:<

Okay, first of all, I want to apologise to those who thought this was finally an update. (;w\) As much as I want to update, there are just so many things at the moment that I have to deal with.

Second, I'm sorry for the inactivity :< I guess I should've made an A/N for that before taking such a long leave.

Now, uhm, as for the reason why I made this A/N...I'm just here to explain some things: why I was away for a long time, what's going on in my crazy, stressful life, how I'm doing, and some other things I wanted to vent out maybe. So, yeah, I know not all of you would be interested in reading that ehe, so it's alright if you guys don't read this.

So...where should I start?

Well, for those who don't follow my deviantArt account, I guess you don't know some things I ranted about before in a journal post, huh? ehe... It was over a month ago, and I might have changed over the month about it, but some of my sentiments from that still remain.

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deviantArt Journal post:

"I'm sorry.  

 Ahh..look, I'm really sorry about my previous status that caused a lot of people to worry :( I was just really down that time and those words just kept resonating in my mind...so I thought of posting it already.  

  There are a lot of things that I should apologise and explain for, but I'm not sure if I have the right words right now.

I feel a little jumbled about this whole thing myself, but let me start with some stuff that I think I can talk about now.

I've been down lately. Sad. Depressed? That, I can admit. And no, I'm not doing this for some attention, nor am I doing this just because I feel like it.

The thing is, the depression that I feel is something that I don't feel for the whole day, but painfully, it lingers just behind me. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but that's just how it is.

It hurt. It hurts. I think about these countless problems, and as much as I want to tell the people around me, I just couldn't bring myself to do so.

I would feel down thinking about all my fears and doubts as I walk to school. I would think that I would stay like that through the day...but when I finally enter the room... I end up covering it all up with a smile. I'm a good actress, no one noticed anything different about me.

Though, it's not like they take notice of me in the first place.

Which brings me to one of the things that had been bothering me for the past months. You know, last year, when I was a freshman, the class the I was part of was really...warm. By that, I mean, everyone is really approachable, friendly, open, and just...just easy to talk to. All of them were friends, but of course I have a circle of friends that's separate from that. I really love my close friends from freshman year. They're precious to me, like family, and they're one of the reasons why I keep fighting for the course that I took. I was so, so happy that I met friends like them.
Back in high school, I was a part a small group of friends, which sometimes just turns into just me and my best friend...the problem was, my best friend was sickly and ends up being absent a lot. Because of that, I end up having to eat lunch alone in the classroom. Being lonely wasn't a nice feeling, so I made a resolve to change that in college.

And I did.

The group of friends that I was part of back in first year was really fun, rowdy, and we were always together. Eating during lunch, talking during breaktime, and hanging out at my house... It was so fun. I was so happy.

It was those days that I wished.. "I wish days like these would never end."


But I was silly to think that it would really happen.

Last year, I told you guys about that test that my future depended on, right? It was a qualifying exam that could cause me to lose my place as an Accounting student. I was so scared, because I didn't want to ruin my future...and...I didn't want to be apart from my friends.

So I did my best to study for it, and I've told you guys about it before, right?

I passed.

I was so happy. I was so happy that I wasn't going to be apart from my friends.

How silly of me.

That year, they suddenly implemented reshuffling of classes, so instead of our class being together 'til third year...we were going to be separated for the second year.

It felt like my heart shattered a bit, but I was able to endure it, knowing that at least, I can see my friends in-between breaks. We may not see each other a lot, but at least we're all still in the same course, the same floor, the same building.

And a new class would mean new friends, right?

..Right?

I don't know.

When I reached second year, I was in section 3, and I was in the same class as my friend from my group of friends, and my classmate who was in a different circle, but was still a friend ehe.

The class that we were in, had a strange...atmosphere. I have nothing against my class...it's just that...I could totally feel the barriers around them. I mean, since it's our second year, they'd have their own circle of friends..so that's understandable... But it's just a bit difficult to approach them without looking like I'm being too pretentious. They were nice, really. It's just that...I feel like they're too far.

But I had a circle of friends in the class, too. My two previous classmates, and two new classmates. I was closer to the friend who was in my group of friends last year, so I was always together with that friend. I felt like it was all okay. Even if I have a few friends in class, at least I have them.

Until the friend that I was closest to had to drop out of the class due to some circumstances. I was really sad about it, and I didn't want him to drop out because...because I knew that he deserved a place in our class more than I did.

I'll be honest, I'm really horrible when it comes to matters that deal with numbers, money, and math in general. I've been like that since elementary.

"Then why take Accountancy in the first place?"

Well. We studied Accounting back in high school, and my grades in that class weren't that bad...so my parents told me it was best to just continue it. And I could really see that they wanted me to be an accountant. They want me to be the one to help them out once I get a job, because we all know how difficult it is without money. Since they said Accounting rakes in a good salary, they encouraged me to take the course. I was so unsure of it. I kept thinking about it being all math-related, and I get really anxious when it comes to that subject.

But it's not like I can say 'no'.

When I graduated high school, I didn't really have a solid plan for what I really wanted. Well, I've been considering wanting to take AB History or English, because that's what I was good at...but I knew that taking a course like that...and then looking for a job...won't really get me a living that'll be enough to help at home.

Even if I was unsure whether or not I'd like Accountancy, I decided to go for it to make my family happy. It's for them, and I don't mind... I love my family, and I don't really like thinking about myself before others, so here I am.

But as I went through the classes, I realised little by little...that I'm having a hard time keeping up with the lessons. I got good grades in History, English, and Literature...but low grades in Accounting and Math. That shouldn't happen. I didn't want it to happen...so I keep trying and trying...but even if I move forward a little...they're still too far away to catch up to. Especially on my second year, I ended up being the lowest in our class. What was I supposed to do? I just end up hating myself for all the time I waste, and the fact that I can't do good in class like the rest. Heck, we even had an exam where everyone passed except for me. I was like the shame of that class. I just... I don't know.

I wanna ask for help, but I just can't reach out to them. I feel ashamed and undeserving. Even in my circle of friends in the room. I just end up bringing them down. A burden. And it feels horrible. They would help me out when I ask them to explain it to me, but I still don't understand. But I just smile and thank them, because they tried helping me. They weren't the problem, I was. I know that. I know that.

In the end, I just don't belong.

I know some of you are thinking that I'm just overreacting...I'm sorry. It just hurts a lot and I've kept this from all of you for a long time now, so I'm sorry if I've never mentioned this before.

But I did tell you guys that I incorporate some of my feelings in my stories. Have you noticed? Sometimes, I make the characters say things that I want to hear for myself, but I don't.

"You belong."

I know some of you might think it's silly, but I just... I don't know. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of small things. Like when my group of friends and I walk home from school.  

  In our group of friends in my current class, there's four of us. But when we walk home...it's the three of them walking in front together, and me behind. Sometimes, I would try walking alongside them, but it just doesn't work. It's not a big deal, and I don't blame them for this. I mean, maybe it's because I've stopped trying to fit myself with them. Maybe it's because I don't try anymore. Maybe it's because I'm just different from them. I don't know anymore. Don't get me wrong, I like them, and they're actually nice, but I guess I just don't mix with them as well as they mix with each other. ((I actually found a video that shows how it feels. 

https://youtu.be/K8BYjpZgH5E

... :') .... This video made me cry because the lyrics and the song fit my feelings perfectly (Karamatsu is like me...and the brothers in the end are like my real dear friends),  and the protagonist in the video is my beloved Karamatsu from the anime Osomatsu-san. Yeah, I'm also Osomatsu-san trash now, by the way. #1 Karamatsu Girl here <3 ))

  Going back to my situation in classes...as the months passed by, I slowly think that maybe...maybe I really don't belong in this course in the first place. I wanted to pursue something that....something that I'm really good at. English, writing...but I couldn't think of what other option I have. And one of the things that I'm actually thankful for to one of my friends in my current class was mentioning "College of Communication". I found out that our university had AB Journalism and Broadcast Communication. I thought it would be perfect for me, I was good at writing, and my English speaking skills were good, too. News writing and news casting were my interests since I always love reading articles and watching the news on tv. Thinking about it, it made me think, that maybe that's where I could excel. Maybe...maybe that's where I really belong.

But maybe I'm too late.

I'm already in my second year. Shifting courses halfway...would be difficult. And I'm pretty sure my mom would get mad...since she was the one who wanted me to be an highly paid accountant more than anyone. She told me that picking a course equivalent to the rest of my life, and that it's like marriage...but I don't really know how to tell her that I still can't find myself falling in love with the course I took. My classmates love mentioning that they were excited to be accountants...but when I say it to myself...I don't feel that giddy feeling that they have. I'm really sorry that I couldn't be the child that they wanted me to be.

I've disappointed them for too much already. I mean, I've gotten lower and lower grades because of my own incapacity and inner problems...I...I even lost the chance to become the honour student that they dreamt of having...and I...I even lost my scholarship recently. I've done...so many wrong things. That's why the word "sorry" keeps echoing in my head all throughout the past weeks.

I know that they love me, and I love them...but I just don't know if I can really become the person they aspire me to be. The one that they wish they could be proud of someday. I want to be that person...but I just don't know how anymore.

I just want them happy.

I'm gonna take another qualifying exam soon, and I still have doubts and mixed feelings about what I want to happen... If I pass, then I'll try. I'll try my best and do my best to be an accountant that can give them a better life someday. If I don't... I'm sorry. I know that if I don't pass I'll be the biggest disappointment they'll ever have, but somehow it would be a bit relieving. I might get a bit scared of how they'll react, and on whether or not they'll allow me to pursue becoming a journalist or newscaster...but I'll endure it. They might hate me for it, but I'll endure. I'll look for a way to give them a better life through that. It might not be as much as if I were an accountant...but I'll do my best.

Thinking about these things and considering another course, it makes me feel selfish, and I'm really sorry about it. I can't help but feel down thinking of something like this, it's like betraying them and their wishes.

I know I contradict myself a lot, but like I said, I feel so jumbled and confused right now.

Sometimes, I even feel numb.

There are just so many things going on at home, school, and in my head. That's why I haven't been active recently, nor have I been showing signs of life ehe. I've been debating on whether or not I should take a hiatus (though with my inactivity, it feels like I already have)...but I might not do that, since I feel like writing might be my escape and refuge from all this.

I wrote this journal because I felt really guilty keeping you guys in the dark like this. You're all important to me, and you guys also give me the motivation and inspiration to keep going, so I wanted to be honest with you, my dears.

Well, it looks like I've said more than enough for now. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused. Thank you for everything :') I know you guys are always there for me, and thinking of that, makes me forget about all the horrible feelings I get here in real life haha. Who said that internet friends couldn't be special? I mean, my very best friend was someone I met online, and we haven't even met in person yet.

To all who read this: thank you, my dears :'>

And don't worry, I'll still be here. I'm sorry if you're all waiting for an update, but I'll try writing it.

'Til then, see you, my dears :')

~flamehazelollipop"  

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So that kind of explains how I was feeling at that time. Over the month, I've tried improving my relationship with my classmates. It doesn't do much, but it's better than not doing anything to change it. I have my friends from my first year group (which we affectionately call "Baliws" ....which pretty much means "crazy people" hahaha, that is so us xD) that I get to meet up in between breaks, and they really made my school days bearable. Fangirling with my friend April on anime stuff, and with Tin on Disney stuff, and other friends on other shows and hobbies. Daily conversations with my ever-supportive best friend, Samantha. Reading comments and messages from my fans/readers and even befriending them. All those and some other stuff... they keep me going despite negativity's attempts to drag me down with its sharp claws.

Now, there's another matter at hand.

Remember my old "Emo Author's Rant" thing many many chapters ago? haha... Yeah, this is Part 2.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm going to take the Special Qualifying Exam once again. For the longest time, I've felt so numb about it. I didn't have motivation, or hope, or much less care for it because of all the horrible feelings I've received this year regarding my course. I felt like I already gave up on it, and that I don't belong there and thought it must be better to just fail and go to another course like Journalism.

But thinking about it now, I realised that all that stuff I felt was all just me being a coward. I made myself feel that way because I wanted to escape it, to run away... I wanted to take the easy way out.

It was wrong.

It's all my fault. If I haven't been such a procrastinator and a coward, maybe it wouldn't have led up to this. I know I haven't done enough. I mean, I did what I could...but I wasn't able to take the extra mile like what my classmates did. I couldn't catch up to them. I never really did. Even when I tried. I guess that's what I get for being in a high section like Section 3. Our professors always expect too much of us because of that, saying we're all there because we were all excellent students....but to be honest, we were there at random. Being in a section with so many people who try to achieve so much, I felt myself beginning to fall farther and farther back, until I hit rock bottom. It didn't feel good at all. I tried running at the same pace as them, and it works for a time, but I end up tripping and falling down...and see them too far away already.

And that's when the words of my own prologue would haunt me.

"Things won't stop just for you.

The whole world won't.

Neither will time."

And now, I'm desperately trying to run as fast as I can to catch up to that damn time. I have four exams on Tues and Wed (May 3 and 4). FOUR. Financial Accounting, Financial Management, Mathematics, Law. Trying to study about four subjects that we took through a semester or two, reviewing the books cover-to-cover, studying all the past quizzes, and all those reviewers passed around in class.......the stress of that combined with...

Oh.

Combined with the fact that if I don't pass those exams, I would be dropped from my course and shift to another...and start from scratch...and probably not graduate in time...and make myself a shame of the family, and have my family disappointed in me all over again, and... and make myself hate myself more than I already do because of all the things that I should've done but didn't....and the fear of not having a proper future ahead of me....and the fear of not achieving the things that I have promised myself and my family..... All because of those wretched exams...

...It can really take a toll on anyone.

But I'm not giving up just yet. Non non. x'D

  I've come to the realisation that, I need to focus on thinking about graduating as an accountant, rather than start over in a different course. I'm already in my second year....and I didn't reach this far just so I can let myself fall back down. :')   

I've been studying in a slow pace, but I think I still have a chance. I mean, I've been through these subjects the past year, so it's not like I'll draw a blank when it comes to the exams. I just get really angry at myself for being such a procrastinator, doing other things and wasting time when I can use that time to read more more more more and more.

Even right now, look, I'm making a rant thing here (ha!). But like...I just wanted to tell you guys because you're like family to me, in a way. I mean, you guys have been here with me for over a year now (well, some are new, but I love you guys nonetheless). It warms my heart whenever I would receive a message from one of my readers asking me if I'm doing alright, despite the fact that I haven't given you guys an update xD Thank you so much for that. You're all always there for me, and give me words of encouragement whenever I'm down.

Even in the last exam, the words you guys left gave me strength :') Heck, I even reread them before the exam xD I'm just so happy that even if I don't have a whole classroom of friends at school, and just have a small handful of them in real life, I have you guys. My readers and friends here online. And I think that's really beautiful :'>

I want to pass this exam. I really, I really do. I want to graduate on time in two years, and walk proudly wearing my toga--and cherish the fluttering feeling of that diploma. In two years time, I'll be at the Philippine International Convention Center (where our university graduations are held at), taking selfies together with April and the rest of our gang...saying #WeMadeIt or some other hashtag that usually irk me when I see them...but now that I think about it...it's something I can't wait to do. I know I might sound silly or that I'm looking too far ahead.....but you know, I really wish that I did look far ahead, maybe if I did, I would've had a clear vision of who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to achieve.

The exams in two days time will determine the future I'll behold in two years time. Both are excruciatingly near and far. I know. I can only hope and pray that I make it. I'm tired of running away and doubting myself about this course. I want to run, run alongside everyone else, alongside my friends... forward. Onwards. :')

I know most of you guys are younger than me, and might not understand my sentiments yet.....but I think it's not too bad to think about it while you're still young. It will help you think more into it. You'll get to think about what you really want in life, so you won't end up in confusion and doubt like how I did.

Hahah...rereading all that I wrote, made me confused about myself xD There's a part of me that wants to give up, and another part that wants to dream on. The people I love are helping me get up and dream alongside them. My faith keeps me hanging on. You guys help me realise how much I want to keep on going to see all of your happy smiles, er.. comments.. whenever I write stories. Thank you all so much :>

Well, I guess I'm gonna end this here, since my conscience is telling me I really should be using the time I have left to study. I hope you guys pray for me for my exams :') Wish me luck, guys. I'll do my best. I want to return to checking my Wattpad and deviantArt accounts with a worry-free heart, and updates to make all your hearts leap ;)

I'll be back soon, my dears :')

~flamehazelollipop