"Esther Marino! You're up, love."

I took a deep breath. My nails left their marks on the arms of the chair I waited in. When the house mom, Celine, called my name....I saw my whole future pass before my eyes. If I didn't pass this audition I wasn't sure what else I would do. Much to Mom's disappointment, I gave up on school. It wasn't for me. Heroin was more fun anyway, and school took up too much of my time for life's pleasures. Dancing at this club would do me a world of good. I could live here in London permanently and not have to move back in with Mom. I could take care of Scout and myself without her help. 

I stood from the chair and made my way to the stage. Celine's eyes drilled into me the whole way. I kept my gaze straight ahead of me, not looking at any of the other girls. They were all too gorgeous. Easily could have been models of some kind. Insecurities still shadowing me, I wasn't sure I had that luxury to fall back on. I needed this job. I needed to dance. 

So I did.

**********

"Ya' sure there's nothin' else?" Bon asked, looking around my apartment. It was chaos. I hadn't made time to clean and just threw things willy nilly. Bon stepped over a pile of my underwear I still needed to wash and cleared his throat. His cheeks were red from the cold. "Nothin' hidin' or any you forgot?"

"If there was any more I'd have taken it by now, Bon," I snapped, letting Scout lick my hand. He wagged his tail and slobbered all over me in excitement after we picked him up from my neighbor's. Bon shrugged and pushed away some hair from his face. "I wouldn't be out risking my life for a hit in the snow."

"Jus' makin' sure, hon." I could have growled like a wolf. What the fuck did he care? Bon didn't look like he was in any hurry to leave and I sighed, watching him rub his cold hands together. I pulled his leather jacket tighter around myself. 

"You want to get any beer?" I asked. Bon looked at me with raised eyebrows. 

"Beer?" he asked. 

"Yeah." I paced my living room as Scout and Bon watched me. "I mean, if we're gonna be here for fuck knows how long until the withdrawals run dry, the least we could do is get some beer to spend the time." 

Bon ran a hand through his hair and looked at the floor. "I uh...I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Esther...."

"Why the fuck not?" I demanded. He took a step backwards while I advanced on him. "Why the fuck not, Bon?"

"Ya' really wanna drink through this?" he asked, concern lacing his features. I stormed around the room, waving my arms frantically. 

"So what the fuck am I supposed to do this whole fucking time?" I hissed. "Sit around and sweat and vomit and shit and hope I don't fucking die like I've been doing this whole fucking time already?" Bon winced at my words and the volume I spoke them. Scout cowered away from me. "Is that what you want, Bon? Is it?"

"No!" Bon said, standing firm. "I wanna help an' as temptin' as it is I'm not gettin' any." I wanted to throw him out the door. Throw him out the window and throw his jacket out with him. You're telling me this fish doesn't want to drink? I didn't buy it for a second. "We can do this without alcohol, ya' know."

"What about smokes, ya' got those?" I waited patiently as Bon sighed, stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets. "....do you, Bon?"

"Yeah, but-" I held my hand out to him and he sighed again. "They're in the jacket pocket." I reached into one of them and pulled out a small pack of smokes and a lighter. The other pocket had his inhaler. 

"You really shouldn't smoke," I said, taking a cigarette out and lighting it up. The smoke cloud drifted toward the ceiling and vanished. Immediately the tension alleviated some but it still wasn't enough. It wasn't my heroin. "Not good for asthma."

Bon finally managed a small smile and shrugged. "Maybe not," he said. I plopped down on the floor, my back to the couch. Scout took to his bed, watching me with big wet eyes. Bon stood there by the door and I wondered if maybe he'd finally decide to leave. I knew he wouldn't. Damn him. 

"You can sit down if you want," I muttered, losing myself in the nicotine. Bon's expression brightened.

"Ya' mean it?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Sure." Bon walked right up to the couch and sat down next to me. He sat a little too close and since I was still pissed off at him I scooted away. Bon was all smiles now. "You're a kid," I mumbled.

"Sure am," Bon grinned.

**********

Sweat and makeup poured down my face as I took my final bow. Celine nodded approvingly from the floor and a few of the girls watching my audition clapped. All except this redhead with scary blue eyes and a dress that must have cost at least a hundred dollars. I had a feeling we'd be just great friends if I got the job. I instantly looked to Celine for her decision and waited with baited breath. "Did I get the job?" I asked, panting. 

Celine looked over her clipboard where she took notes during my audition. "Come down here, love, and we'll talk."

I wobbled my way offstage where a couple other girls met me. "You did great," one of them said. I smiled and thanked them breathlessly as I followed Celine away from the group. She took her glasses off, a chain holding them around her neck. I shifted my weight and glanced at the other girls, some of them watching and whispering. 

"You definitely have the look," Celine said. "Tall, pretty, and you dance well." I beamed. 

"Thank you," I said. My smile faltered when Celine sighed. "Anything else?"

"You understand our dress code here?" she asked. I nodded. Before coming here I had done research on everything I might need to know and accept if I was going to work here. The dress code was skimpy but I was okay with that. "Our shoes and everything?"

"Tall heels, right?" I asked and Celine nodded. "I can do that."

"You seemed to have a bit of trouble getting around on the heels," she said. "I saw you stumble a few times."

"I'll get the hang of it, I promise," I said, not letting this job slip from me all because of some stupid shoes. "I'll practice, I'll do whatever you need me to."

"My dancers need to be able to maneuver the stage without falling off and hurting themselves or anyone else," Celine continued. "It would be bad for business and could result in a law suit. Not to mention overall safety."

"I won't fall," I insisted, almost pleading. "I really need this job and it would mean the world to me." Celine smiled.

"You know I don't give jobs out to just anyone because they would appreciate it," she said. "That's just now how the dancing business works." My shoulders slumped and I hung my head, certain I didn't make it. "I want my club to be the best in the business and I need only the best dancers on hand."

"I understand," I said, tears building up. 

"And I'd say you're one of the best I've seen in a long time," Celine said. I looked up at her in shock. I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly.

"What?"

"That was a terrific audition," Celine said. "It could use some improvements, of course...." She looked down at my heels and I clicked them together. "But I think if you practice in those heels enough you'll get better."

"So....you're saying I got the job?" Celine beamed. 

"You got the job," she said. I grabbed her for a very unprofessional hug and pulled away with a red face. 

"Sorry," I muttered.

"That's okay, Miss Marino," Celine said, fixing her blouse. 

"When do I start?" I asked, bouncing up and down. 

"Tonight," Celine said. "My dancers start right away or the next day. As soon as possible, really." I swallowed. Tonight? 

"Do you think I'm ready?" I asked.

"Of course," Celine said. "I can pencil you in after Jeanie if that's okay." 

"Who's Jeanie?" Celine nodded her head at the redhead who was giggling behind her hand when she saw me looking at her. The other girls didn't seem malicious toward me but Jeanie was outright laughing at something I did. "Oh," I said. 

"Welcome aboard, Miss Marino," Celine said. "Good to have you here." She walked away from me with her clipboard and I turned toward Jeanie who was now walking toward me with a very sly smile. I stood up straight and tall and stood my ground. 

"Good luck, Marino," she spat, walking past. "Don't trip on your heels."

"I won't need luck," I muttered. I could do this on my own, heels or not.

**********

"Why don't you have a problem with it?" The smoke circled above our heads. Bon accepted a cigarette for himself and it was almost out. I offered him another but he declined. "I don't see you holed up in your apartment."

Bon sat in thought a moment and then shrugged. "Dunno," he said. "Not like I don't have a problem...if I use it a couple days in a row it gets ugly. I only use it with friends, see. Sort of a social thing, like..." He waved at the remaining smoke. I took a drag and replaced what he pushed away. "Look, don't worry about me, you're the one I'm worried about."

"Will you ever stop?" I asked him. He turned to me, staring at me with his sparkling eyes.

**********

As I helped myself to a small drink at the bar, as preparation for my next dance, I noticed a couple guys staring at me. I was dressed in one of the borrowed 'uniforms' from backstage so they knew I worked there. I turned away from them, keeping to myself. I didn't need any trouble they might be looking to give me.

"Hey, honey!" one called. I ignored him. "You in the skirt!" I lifted my middle finger where they could see it. Out of my peripheral vision I could see the man with the mouth storming right up to me. Next thing I knew he grabbed my arm, my whiskey spilling everywhere. "I'm talking to you, bitch."

"Get your fucking hands off me!" I yelled, wrenching free of his grip. "You sick, repulsive bastard!"

"Don't be like that," he said. "I'm only trying to get your attention, honey."

"You'll stay the fuck away from me if you know what's good for you," I hissed and he laughed. "You'll stay away from every woman here."

"And what are you going to do, Barbie Doll?" he asked. "I could take out a stick like you with one-" He didn't have time to answer when I punched him in the nose. Something cracked and I quickly checked my hand to make sure it was okay. The man stumbled backward, grabbing at air, and fell to the floor, hand on his nose. When he pulled his hand away, there were a few drops of blood. Several other workers came running up to me and security was right on their heels. "Now look what you fucking did..."

"You brought this on yourself, prick," I said, keeping my distance. Two security guards scooped the man off the floor and started questioning him. 

"All I wanted was to talk, can't a man talk to a woman nowadays?" he whined. 

"We have a rule here that states you can't put your hands on the workers," one of the security guards said. "If you can't follow that, you're gonna have to leave." I smirked.

"What about her?? She put her fucking hands on me too!"

"Out of self defense!" I yelled. More blood dripped down his nose and he ignored it. His arms were pinned down to his sides anyway. Celine came running up to the scene.

"Whats going on?"

"Ask those bitches over there," the man spat. "This club is a fucking joke."

"I want him out of here," Celine told the guards and they started dragging him away. "You're not allowed back here, is that understood?"

The whole way to the doors the man yelled and swore. Some of the girls giggled at the idea of this grown man throwing a fit after being a sleaze. I would have too if I hadn't been shaking with anger. I hardly noticed Celine touching my shoulder. 

"You alright, Esther?" she asked. At the sound of her voice I pulled away, glowering into her eyes. Taking deep breaths and relaxing my tense muscles, my red vision went away and I could see my company clearly. 

"I'm okay," I sighed. "I'm so sorry, Celine, I don't know what came over me! He grabbed me and I panicked and-"

"Easy, Loulou," she said. "I saw the whole thing, you don't have to explain. One of the downsides to the job, unfortunately." I waited to hear her verdict. "I'm only sorry you had to deal with that on your first day."

"Am I fired?" I winced.

"With that wolf-like spirit of yours? Of course not!" Celine said. "We need more of that around here to keep the creeps away."

I sighed in deep relief. I hadn't just royally fucked up...

**********

"Why don't ya' play the violin for me sometime?" Bon asked. "I'd love to hear ya'."

I covered my face with my hands. They were shaking so much I wasn't sure I could play a steady tune. I was out of practice anyway. That case had been lying there for years untouched. Maybe I lost interest. "I don't think so," I said. 

I could tell Bon was pouting. "That's too bad, Esther," he said. "I'm sure you're great."

"Maybe if I hadn't stopped playing after Dad died I would be," I said. Bon shrugged. 

"An' if ya' never start again, ya' never will be," he said. I stole a glance at him and he grinned while sticking his tongue out at me. I groaned and covered my face again. 

**********

"I'd love to, Mom, but it's busy at work and I'd have to get a new crate for Scout..." The phone rested between my shoulder and my ear as I folded my laundry in the living room. I was still wearing my wool coat after returning from my trip to the laundromat as my apartment was ice cold. Scout shivered too and I quickly gave him some blankets to sleep under. 

"You can't pay a visit to your own mother for Christmas?" she said over the phone. I sighed and set down the shirt I was folding. "Nice way to spend my holidays."

"It's not that, Mom," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. And what a bridge it was. Nothing like Mom's. "You know I'd love to visit you in Queens."

"Then why don't you?" she asked. "If it's money you need, I've got money I can send you."

"Don't be silly, I can't take your money."

"Who are you calling silly, young lady?" Mom asked. "It's not silly at all!"

"I'm not taking your money, Mom, so you can forget about it," I said. "And that's not the only issue, okay? I just can't take time off right now and traveling isn't in the plans."

Mom sighed. "Whatever am I going to do with you?" she said. "First you drop out of school and run away to London to become a dancer and now you won't even visit for Christmas?" I smiled. Mom was very overprotective. Despite living in New York my whole life, apparently England was the most dangerous place on Earth. "I miss my daughter."

"I miss you too," I said. "Look. As soon as I can I'll make plans to come visit. Me and Scout. Okay?"

**********

"You should go home," I said. My eyes were starting to close on their own. Bon had stayed with me for hours and it must have been the middle of the night. I leaned against his shoulder despite my bad attitude in favor of a comfy pillow. "I'll be fine."

"Wouldn't be right," Bon said, fighting back a yawn. Without alcohol in him to keep his buzz going, Bon was just as tired as I was. "I can stay."

"Whatever you say," I mumbled, closing my eyes. Whatever vendetta I had against Bon started to make room for our friendship. Despite me yelling at him and cursing at him and acting like an addict on withdrawals, he didn't give up on me. He didn't leave. I admired him for that. 

"Should call the guys," he said. "Tell 'em where I am."

"Have plans for the night?" I asked.

"Nah," he said. "But they've been watchin' me like a hawk lately, makin' sure I don't do somethin' dumb." He grinned at me. "Like I've ever...."

"The phone's free," I said. "Go ahead."

"Thanks, hon," he said, but he made no move toward the telephone. Scout snored under his blanket pile and he chased rabbits in his sleep. I wanted to get some sleep myself but I wasn't letting my guard down so fast. Until Bon left, I'd keep myself awake. 

Bon wouldn't do anything, he wasn't that kind of man. Even so, it was almost a silent competition to see who would cave first and fall asleep. Both of us were tired but Bon wasn't dancing with insomnia aftermath. 

I turned to look at him. His hair had gotten even longer since I met him. That was the rockstar way. He had his arms crossed over his bent knees and I could see his tattoos. I sort of wanted one myself. Maybe a heart or something on my thigh. Something only I could see. And my clients when I danced for them. As soon as I made some extra money I'd make an appointment to have one done. 

I'm not sure what happened next. Or rather, I'm not sure how it happened. One minute I'm observing Bon and the next minute I'm kissing him. He had turned to look at me and ask what the matter was. Then I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He held still. He didn't kiss me back and I finally pulled away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," I said.

Bon seemed to have woken up a bit more, his voice louder. "It's alright, Esther," he said, trying to look at my face that I hid behind my tangled hair. "I...I didn't know you were gonna....do that."

"Neither did I," I muttered and sighed. "You're disgusted, aren't you?"

"Not at all," he said. "Not sure if....not sure that's what ya' needed right now...." I may not have been drunk or high but I was going through the wars and maybe Bon was right. Maybe kissing and romance could take a backseat for now. And despite loving Bon very much, kissing him still didn't feel right. "Nice though it was...."

"I'm sorry, Bon," I wailed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I really can't picture you as anything other than a friend...." My voice faltered at the end. I almost burst into ugly tears. To my surprise Bon started laughing. 

"That's fine by me," he said, smiling. I wiped away a stray tear and hiccuped. 

"You don't mind?" I asked. Something in his expression changed like lightning. I blinked and he was back to his old cheerful self. He took his time figuring out an answer. "Bon...?"

"I'll always love ya', Esther," he sighed. "An' bein' your friend means a lot to me."