"You look nice today, Esther."

"Thanks, Henriette."

The girls at the club all stared at me. Amid the short, sparkly dresses I looked so out of place in my jeans and t shirt hidden underneath my wool coat. Scout looked even more out of place. He sniffed everything he could find, occasionally one of the girls offering him a hand to sniff or a scratch behind the ears. I gently tugged on his leash and he followed me. 

I pushed open the locker room door and peered inside. Min was the only one there, sitting by the mirrors and delicately placing a red and gold comb in her fine, black hair. She saw my reflection behind her and spun around. "Oh! Esther, right?" she asked. 

"That's me," I said while Scout sniffed the floor. Min's eyes lit up. 

"Cute dog!" she said and Scout immediately bounded to her for pets, tugging on his leash. I stumbled forward and Min reached down to pet him. "What's going on?" she asked. I'm sure me paying a visit to the club with my dog looked suspicious. "Celine is out on the floor if you want to talk to her."

"That's okay," I said. "I'm not looking for Celine." Min narrowed her eyes at me. 

"So....you're just here on a visit?" she asked. 

"Yeah, I....I'm taking the night off. I've got somewhere to be later." Min nodded in understanding. 

"I won't take your time," she said. "I've got to be onstage in a few minutes anyway." She turned back around to adjust her comb before I spoke again.

"Have you seen Jeanie anywhere?" I asked. "Red hair? Wicked smile?" It hurt to describe Jeanie that way after what happened the other day in this very locker room. But that seemed to be the impression she left on all the girls here and Min, not having been here very long, would know exactly who I was talking about. "I can go look around some more if you haven't seen her."

"Didn't you hear?" Min asked, catching my attention. "She quit the other day."

"Jeanie quit?" I asked. I hadn't heard anything about that and couldn't believe it. It shouldn't have surprised me the way it did. Jeanie wasn't as enthusiastic about this job as we all thought. "When?"

"Couple days ago, when you weren't here," Min said, primping her bob. "Shocked everyone but mostly Celine. No one saw this coming."

"I'll bet," I said. 

"She's going to Italy for a while," she went on. "I didn't know her very well...." Min turned to look at me and Scout who had found a pair of high heels to sniff. "Was she really as bad as everyone says she was?"

I froze. Considering all that she had said and done to me ever since I started work here, I'd say no, she was even worse. But that night...when Jeanie looked so scared and vulnerable....I saw a side of her she never let anyone in on. There was much more to her that none of us knew about. With her running away to Italy we may never see any more than what she left behind. But I'll never forget that night. 

"I think she was...." I paused, searching for the right word. "misunderstood." Scout shed some fur as he agreed with me. 

"If you say so," Min said, standing from the chair and heading for the door. Scout got up to follow her, his leash pulling. Min stopped with the door open a crack. "You look good today, Esther."

"Thank you."

**********

Betty and Margot caught me before I could leave the club. They treated me to a drink from the bar and a few tummy rubs for Scout. "When does he leave?" Margot asked.

"His train leaves in three hours," I said. "I'm headed over to say goodbye."

"Tell him we said goodbye too," Betty said. "I would have loved to have met him."

"We all would have," Barbara said passing by. "A band like that, goddamn."

"You doing okay, Esther?" Margot asked, noticing I was staring at the floor. I glanced at up her and returned my gaze. 

"I'm fine," I mumbled. In truth I was scared. One night wasn't enough to cure my dependence on heroin. I'd need a whole life. Having Bon around helped to dull the pain and it scared me shitless to think of doing this without him. Without any of them. "I'm....sorry for the way I've been acting lately."

None of them said anything. I dropped the apology hoping to alleviate the awkward standoff. "Have you been to a spa, Esther?" someone asked behind me. It was Layla, her hair an inch longer than before. I let her scan me up and down. "You're glowing."

"No," I said. A couple of the other girls nodded in assent and I checked myself to see what they were all talking about. I looked the same as I always did. I tugged Scout's leash and he flew to the door, pulling me with him. "I've got to get going, I'll see you in a bit?"

"We'll see you, Esther!" Betty called. The girls waved me out the door and I caught one last smile from Celine as she appeared around the corner before letting the door swing closed behind me. Puddles rippled from the falling rain that washed away all the snow. This would be the picture of London from now on. Scout and I hurried down the street toward the Silver Dollar Diner for a quick meal.

**********

"You know I don't let dogs in my establishment," Joe said, wiping down a spatula. Scout stood at attention, tail erect and head tilted in curious wonderment. Joe broke into a smile. "Ah, but I'll let him stay for a bit. What can I get you both?"

"Can I get a bowl of water for Scout?" I asked, taking a seat at the counter. "And just some jam toast for me."

"Sure thing." Joe got to work on the food and I folded my hands on the counter, staring at the cream colored laminate, warped by time. I still wasn't used to coming here before the sun came up and it was a nice change of pace. With Joe working the stove day and night I refused to believe he ever slept. He passed a bowl of tap water to me and I set it on the floor for Scout to drink. It splashed all over the floor as he lapped it up greedily. "Where's that rockstar of yours?"

"He's boarding a train today," I said. "Probably at the station right now." Joe raised his eyebrows.

"And you're not there with him?" he asked. 

"I'll be there in a bit," I said, smiling. "The train won't leave without me." Joe didn't look so sure.

"I'll get your food quick then," he said, putting bread in the toaster. "To be on the safe side." 

"Thank you," I said. 

"Tell him we'll miss him," Joe said. "When you see him."

"I will," I grinned. Joe sighed and grabbed the coffee pot. 

"I've grown to like the guy..."

********** 

Rain fell in rivers and lakes, drenching Scout and I by the time we reached the station. My jam toast didn't last long and after paying Joe a little extra money for the quick service we strolled to our next destination. Bon told me his platform was number five but I didn't see him. Closer and closer the platform came into view without Bon or anyone in it. There was still fifteen minutes before his train had to leave so I didn't worry yet. I took the empty bench and Scout sat at my feet, licking the wet rain off his wet nose. "Good boy," I said, petting him. "You see him anywhere? Smell him?"

People rolled their luggage across the platforms, the wheels scraping the cobblestones. A whistle blew and one of the trains pulled out of the station. I thought of me dragging myself out of bed as I watched the train pick up speed and chuff along the tracks. Still ten minutes before his train would leave. But he wasn't here. 

A child and his mother walked by, carrying balloons. There must have been at least twenty of them instead of the usual one or two for just one child. They bent backwards as the child and his mother passed the train sitting in front of me. I was mesmerized by the colors; dull greens and bright blues and a couple yellows spotted throughout. They knocked about each other and the rain beat on them like a set of drums. They were the closest thing I'd see to a rainbow that day. 

When they passed the train came into view again as well as a man who hadn't been there before. "Thought for sure ya' weren't comin'," he said. 

I stood up from the bench, Scout shooting up as well, ready for action. "I wouldn't miss this for the world," I said. Bon, having left all his luggage on the train behind him, stepped toward me and I accepted his hug. We were both soaking wet now from the worsening downpour. Scout danced around us, his leash trapping us around the ankles. 

"Good to see ya', boy," Bon said, reaching down to pet him. He looked back at me, his eyes warm and safe. "Good to see both of ya'."

"We wanted to surprise you," I said, stepping out of Scout's leash. He wagged his tail and sniffed Bon's shoes, sneezing all over them. "Thought I'd see you out here."

"Had to claim my seat," Bon said. "I'd be ridin' on top waitin' for you to show up."

"That wouldn't bother you," I said. "I bet you'd love to surf this thing to the airport, wouldn't you?"

"Mm, not in this weather, hon," he said with a grim smile. "But maybe when it clears up I'll ask the conductor if I can."

"Everyone wishes you luck," I said. "Joe, the girls..."

"Aw, really?" he said, his eyes lighting up. In that moment he looked just like a little kid, rain dripping off the end of his nose. "That's sweet of 'em. The girls you say?" His boyish smile turned into a wolf's grin. "Tell 'em I'd love to see 'em again. Have 'em pay us a visit."

"They'd love that," I muttered, rolling my eyes. Bon looked down and stuck his hands in his jeans pockets, kicking the platform with the heel of his boot. 

"Extends to you, ya' know," he mumbled. "You can see us anytime."

"I'd like that," I said.

"I would too."

The whistle for Bon's train blew and Scout perked up, ears twitching. Bon didn't make any move to get on; instead he stood there in front of me, staring. "You should get going," I said. 

"Probably," he agreed. Only he didn't. He stayed rooted to his spot, getting wetter by the second. Realizing I'd have to be the one to make a move, I grabbed him around the neck and hugged him. He hugged me back, his hand pushing the water off my hair. 

"I'll miss you," I said. 

"I'll miss you too," he said. The whistle blew again. He dropped his voice so only I could hear. "You can do this, Esther. I know ya' can."

Hot tears mixed with the cold rain on my cheeks. I couldn't respond for fear I might burst out crying. Not that anyone would notice. But I didn't want to leave Bon with that image of me. The world went on around us as we stood still in time, holding on to whatever memories we could. Plenty of good ones and a fair share of downright horrible ones. And I wanted to keep every single one of them. 

"I love you," he whispered. I held him a little tighter. 

"I love you too," I said. One more piercing whistle split us apart and Bon stepped away from our embrace. He reached down to pet Scout who licked his hand happily. 

"An' I'll be seein' you too, young man," he said while Scout licked and sniffed. "Take care of him."

"I will."

"An' take care of yourself," Bon said, walking toward the train. I didn't respond that time. "I'll call ya' when I can, alright?" I nodded. "We'll be back before ya' know it."

I raised my hand to wave at him one last time. He disappeared onto the train and the doors closed after him. I watched the train wake up and drag itself out of the station much like the first one. After finding a steady pace it rolled down the tracks, taking my hope with it. 

Scout and I stood there alone on the platform; alone with the rain.

**********

The waves swallowed the sand before spitting it back out again. The rain drowned the afternoon and left the evening a bit of sun to set over the city. Scout and I returned home to wait out the rain before dropping by the beach a couple miles away. With most people having declined the beach due to foul weather, I let Scout off his leash so he could run around without causing trouble. In one hand I held the leash and the other gripped the dusty case. Only it wasn't dusty anymore. 

I kept one eye on Scout and the other eye on the water. Brown sugar sand caked beneath my feet. The ocean was dark and sinister. Cold, rolling waves knocked against each other. I could feel another storm coming. Another storm before the calm. 

I set the case down in the sand and opened it. The violin was horribly out of tune by now and I set to work on fixing it as best as I could. I wanted to get in some practice before Bon came back so I could play properly for him. To surprise him. 

He wouldn't be here for months. The band planned to come back for Christmas and until then I was left alone. I wouldn't have Bon to stay up with me during my withdrawals. I wouldn't have his kind words and his smile nor would I have his arms to hold me still, keeping me from doing something stupid. 

I'd have to do it myself. 

Bon can't always be here to help me. If I want to change, I have to be the one to do it. Not one person on this earth can make the decision for me. It's my choice. I can either find the dealer who sold me the heroin and buy more or I can steer clear. 

I was terrified of what my choice would be. 

But no one could help me if I didn't help myself. No amount of support could hold me up if I didn't want it. And I wanted it. 

I am the heroine of my own story. 

Once the violin was in tune, I began to play.

The End.