(the massacre at hawkins lab → papa)

｡･:*˚:✧｡SNEAKING THROUGH THE trailer park is a tricky task, with their dirty clothes, bloodied and ripped. A toddler points at Raymond at some point and starts shouting something to his parent that Raymond can't even understand, but Eddie is quick to wrap an arm around him and cover his face until they're safe inside Max's trailer.

It's small and surprisingly warm. The temperature doesn't rise much in comparison to the outside, but it feels warmer somehow. It may have something to do with the gaping door between two universes that Eddie's place has basically turned into.

The living room smells like booze. It's painted in warm yellows and oranges and it reminds Raymond of the setting sun and the fire in Max Mayfield's hair. All eyes are on them when they enter. Raymond's very skin is tingling. He could be imagining it all.

Robin has taken her spot on the floor, so has Dustin. Steve Harrington's children, Raymond thinks before making himself comfortable on the old, ragged couch next to Steve. When Eddie takes up the space beside him, Erica and Lucas enter the room, and she beats her big brother to it and squeezes in between Raymond and the armrest with a triumphant raise of her brows. With that, Lucas is forced to stand as Nancy walks out of what seems to be the bathroom and sinks deep into an armchair.

Steve is looking at her like that again, Raymond can't help but notice. It's the same look he had when he saw her on the other side of that yellow tape days ago, shattered by her friend's horrifying death. Not the look he wore in the Upside Down.

Sighing heavily and leaning against the nearest wall, Max crosses her arms over her chest and softens her voice into something Raymond isn't used to hearing. "Nancy, can you try and remember what you saw?"

There's a small gasp leaving Nancy's lips at the request, yet she doesn't seem unwilling. Just terrified. Terrified that if she says it out loud, it'll come true.

"Steve's house," she whispers and Steve visibly freezes beside her. His hand is on her arm, he's watching every breath she takes, every shake of her shoulders. "The pool. That's where he found me. There was no water, just blood and when blood— When Barb—" She chokes on the word and covers her mouth with her palm. Raymond's heart drops at the memory of that cursed night, the night he spent on the rooftop, all by himself, and got so high that he couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. It's his fault as much as it's hers. Maybe even more. "He's Victor's son. The boy, Henry. That's him, he was messed up, he— he killed them all."

"Henry Creel?" Raymond has to ask and, under any other circumstances, he'd probably be scolded for his dumb question, but no one bothers to comment on it. They all just watch as Nancy nods. "Fucking hell. But how is he—?"

"Brenner got him. He raised him, examined him. At the lab, he— he is One. There were so many of them, so many children and he killed them, he—"

She choked on the words and covers her mouth, her frame trembling. Raymond wants to reach out, but there's a part of him nagging at the back of his head, reminding him that she wouldn't be in this position if Barb hadn't died. She wouldn't have died if Raymond had been at least a little more useful.

Robin does it for him, giving her shoulder a soft squeeze. She lets go almost immediately, retreating back to her spot in silence, eyes fixated on the floor.

"Did he say anything?" Dustin asks. Steve sends him a glare and Dustin only flares back. "Did he--- did he say why---?"

"He showed me things that haven't happened yet."

"What sorts of things?" asks Raymond.

"The most awful things." Oh, okay then. Cool. "I saw a dark cloud spreading over Hawkins. Downtown on fire. Dead soldiers. And this..." She closes her eyes and suddenly, Raymond's reminded of how Eddie told them about Chrissy's death. The disbelief, the fear. "Giant creature with... a gaping mouth. And this creature wasn't alone. There were so many monsters. An army. And they were coming into Hawkins. Into our neighbourhoods. Our homes. And then... He showed me my mum. And Holly. Mike. And they... They were all..."

Her eyes fall shut and her hands come up once again to cover her face, a pained whimper leaving her mouth as Steve straightens up in his seat, already prepared to bring any kind of comfort.

"Okay, but... he's just trying to scare you, Nance. Right?"

Raymond finds it in himself to clear his throat and lean forward, as well. "He's right. He wouldn't just show us his plan. Maybe he's just trying to get us to back down."

"Or to warn us," Eddie adds darkly.

Robin scoffs from the other side of as Nancy's eyes grow wide and Steve shoots him a glare almost immediately, choosing to ignore him and point at Raymond.

"Yeah, Ray's right, you know, I mean..." Raymond meets his eyes and chooses to assume they're both thinking the same thing --- he could have told her because he was going to kill her anyway. She's here now, though. That's all that matters. "I mean, it's not real."

"Not yet. But there... there was something else."

Raymond sighs. "Of course there was."

He can't say anything else because Eddie nudges him in order to silence him. It appears it's not the best time for his commentary.

Raymond sighs. They don't appreciate him enough.

Nancy continues, barely bothered by his little slip-up. "He showed me gates. Four gates. Spreading across Hawkins. And these gates, they looked like the one outside of Eddie's trailer, but... they didn't stop growing. And this wasn't the Upside Down Hawkins." She shakes her head, blue eyes full of tears. "This was our Hawkins. Our home."

Dread crawls into Raymond's heart once more, constantly present these days, only waiting for the right moment to suffocate him. His hand works faster than his mind can process it, reaching out to hold onto Eddie. His fingers clutch the sleeve of Eddie's jacket and Eddie clasps a hand over his absently. He feels Erica's eyes on him, then Lucas looks their way, too.

"Since when do you two---?"

"Four chimes."

Max's sudden comment makes Lucas fall silent. It's been like this ever since that day they almost lost her. Lucas seems to stop breathing whenever she speaks up and Raymond can't really judge him. If he knew Eddie would be in danger, he'd do the same. Eddie knows Raymond is in danger and he does the same.

Taking the opportunity to make her continue so Lucas can't question anything, Raymond looks at her. "What?"

"Vecna's clock. It always chimes four times. Four exactly."

"I heard them, too," Nancy confirms in a small voice. Raymond's heartbeat roars in his ears. No, no, no.

"He's been telling us his plan this whole time."

Lucas opens his mouth again, yet this time, his eyes remain on Nancy, drifting to Max occasionally. "Four kills. Four gates. End of the world."

Raymond feels the hand closed over his start to tremble when Dustin concludes, "If that's true... He's only one kill away."

"Oh, Jesus Christ," Eddie whispers, covering his face. Breathing in sharply, forcing himself to ignore the eyes on them, Raymond leans forward to knock the side of his head against Eddie's shoulder, just for a moment, and entangles their fingers together so his thumb can brush over Eddie's bruised knuckles. He squeezes Eddie's hand, once, twice, and slowly, gently, Eddie squeezes back.

When he looks up, Steve is watching them. His eyebrows are furrowed as he notices the way Eddie trembles, before he turns to Max with a new determination.

"Try them again," he instructs firmly and Max nods, walking over to the phone to call Mrs Byers. Steve stands up and follows her to the phone, waiting for any kind of response. Dustin soon walks over to them.

As they fiddle with the phone, Raymond's ears are ringing and he gets this urge to scream, to wrap his arms around himself and cry in some corner of the world where no one will ever find him because it's no use. It's no use because how on earth is he supposed to tell them the truth?

How is he supposed to tell them he's been hearing five chimes all along?

Calling Joyce Byers is pointless, it turns out, because she's not picking up, no matter how much Steve waits at the phone. A minute passes, then two, then ten, and suddenly, every moment of silence feels like wasting time.

"Uh, guys," Raymond speaks up, immediately gaining the attention of Erica and Dustin, "thought you might wanna know that I'm on Vecna's hitlist, too."

He ignores the way Eddie sinks deeper into the couch, the way Steve almost winces, the gentle look Robin sends his way, all to look at Max, whose lips part and eyes falter.

"Oh." Her voice fucking cracks. She says nothing more.

"You could have said it before," Lucas says with a scoff. "How many days has it been? How long you got?"

"My guess is, twenty-four hours. Could be less."

"Your guess? Seriously? You literally had days to say something! Actual days." Dustin scolds. For someone so obsessed with Raymond, one would think the boy would be a little more sensitive.

"I didn't know, alright? I've been constantly hungover these past few days, couldn't even notice the headaches. Plus, my head's been hurting, like, half of my life." Raymond sighs. "Mayfield mentioned nosebleeds, well, I just so happened to get my ass kicked by Jason bloody Carver, I was bloody all over. The nightmares, well..." He swallows. Eddie's watching him with soft eyes. "You know those dreams that... that you don't even remember having until you've had that same dream again? Well, I didn't realise it right away, but I've been having constant nightmares these past few days--- not plural, actually, one single dream, over and over, I just- I didn't notice."

He knows they're all thinking it, all except for Steve, who already knows. They're watching him and saying nothing, but they're thinking it --- what's he been through to get chosen? What's happened to him that's made him suitable, tortured and traumatised and broken enough for Vecna's twisted plan?

At some point, Max clears her throat. "This phone's been busy for, what, three days now? That's not Joyce. No way. Something's wrong."

"Well, that's just great." Raymond sighs. "The adult adults are fucked, too."

Nancy shakes her head and stands up. "She's right, though. It can't be just coincidence. It can't be. Whatever's happening in Lenora is connected to all of this. I'm sure of it." She walks over to the window, lost in thought. Her arms are crossed over her chest. Raymond watches in utter fascination as she straightens her back, raises her chin. "But Vecna can't hurt them. Not if he's dead." Oh, she's bloody back. "Ray, you said less than twenty-four hours, right?" Raymond nods. "So we have to strike first, right? We have to go back in there. Back to the Upside Down."

"Whoa, no, no, no." Steve glares at her. "What?"

"Nope," Eddie states from beside Raymond, almost in disbelief. "Nope, absolutely not."

"Let's think this through--"

"What is there to think through?" Nancy asks. "If we hole up in here and waste all of our time plotting and telling stories, he'll get to Ray tomorrow. He'll get to Max again. We can't just sit here and wait for it to happen! We have to do something."

"We barely made it out of there!"

Raymond nods in Steve's direction. "Yeah, he's kind of got a point, we don't really stand a chance against those things." The wound on his neck prickles.

"Yeah, but that's because we weren't prepared. But this time, we will be.
We'll get weapons and protection. We'll go through the gate, we'll find his lair, and we'll kill him."

Here she is. Finally. And she's serious, she's one hundred percent serious about this and she already has this crazy plan in that crazy head of hers.

"Or he'll kill us," Steve suggests. "The only reason you survived is because he wanted you to. He's not scared of us."

"And for good reason."

That one's Robin. Her voice is hoarse from staying quiet for so long, but she stands up, shooting each of them a glare, as though deciding who to address to get her point across.

"We were wrong about Vecna." She pauses. "Henry. One--- Sorry, what are we calling him now?"

"One."

"Vecna."

"One."

"Henry."

Robin gapes. "Right. We've learned something new about Vecna/Henry/One. He's a number like Eleven, only a sick, evil, male, child-murdering version of her with really bad skin."

"Your mind's really something, Buckley," Raymond pipes in and Steve chuckles, fond.

"My point is," Robin continues, freckled cheeks dusted red, "he's super powerful. Could turn us inside out with a snap of his fingers." She sends an apologetic smile Nancy's way when Nancy cringes at the words. "It's not a fair fight."

"Then why fight fair?" Dustin mutters. "You're right. He's like Eleven. But that gives us an upper hand --- we know Eleven's strengths. And weaknesses."

"Weaknesses?" Erica doesn't sound too impressed.

"When El remote-travels---"

Raymond scoffs. "When she what now?"

"She sort of, uh..." Steve scratches the back of his neck and crosses his arms. "She can go places in her head with her body still stuck in one place."

"That how she found the Byers boy?"

"Precisely." Dustin nods. "And when that happens, she goes into this sort of trance-like state. I bet the same is true of Vecna."

"That would explain what he was doing in that attic."

"Exactly. When he attacks his next victim, I'll bet you he's back in that attic, physical body defenceless."

"Defenceless?" Steve glares. "What about the army of bats?"

There's that phantom itch again, the skin of Raymond's throat burning, a reminder of the creatures he'd never believed to be real until now.

"True, we'll have to find a way past them." Dustin turns his back to them, taking slow steps around the room, resembling someone Raymond must have seen before. It's too familiar. A teacher, perhaps. "Distract them somehow."

Eddie stands up with newfound, fragile, determination and cocks his head. "And, uh, how do we do that, exactly?"

"No idea." Eddie slumps back into the sofa. "But once they're gone, he doesn't stand a chance. It'll be like slaying sleeping Dracula
in his coffin."

A laugh comes from the corner of the room and Raymond glances back at Robin. "That all sounds good in theory, but are we just supposed to sit and wait for him to strike?"

"We don't have to," Max states and oh, what the fuck. "I can still feel him. I'm still marked. Cursed. I ditch Kate Bush, I draw his focus back to me."

Raymond scoffs and stands up. "Now why the fuck would you do that, huh? We're literally hours away from him attacking me anyway. There's no need for you to go all bloody kamikaze or whatever!"

"Max, he's right," Lucas admits, and good. Someone's finally making sense. "You can't. He'll kill you."

"I survived before. I can survive again."

"That's my point. You can't." Raymond shakes his head. "He won't let it happen twice."

"But---"

"I don't wanna hear it. It's gotta be me." He sounds like Steve bloody Harrington.

"Ray, we've been through this, you don't know what it's like. We can do this."

"Mayfield." He hears Eddie's heavy sigh and assumes this isn't his favourite topic in the entire world, but there's no choice. He ignores the sound and continues, anyway. "I'm the adult here. If I say you're not going on a suicide mission, you bloody listen. Clear?"

The girl glares at him from across the room, arms crossed tensely, lips pinched. "You know what? Fuck you."

She stomps out, but Raymond follows. He can't have her running away, not now.

He reaches her in the hallway, grabs her wrist. She turns around and there are tears in her eyes. "What do you want?"

"I want you to tell me it's okay," Raymond says. "I need you to."

"Well, I'm sorry, but that's not gonna happen. If you're gonna do it anyway, then at least I don't wanna take part in it."

Raymond groans. "Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?"

"Bloody stubborn. Immature." He can't believe he is saying this. "You're acting like---"

"Because he already died for me. I can't have you doing it, too."

Raymond's eyes burn. He shakes his head. "He died for all of you. He and Hopper and all of them. For you, for me, for Eleven, for Harrington, for Sinclair--- all of them hate him anyway, but you don't. I know you don't." He steps closer, places his hand on her shoulder. "To them, it doesn't mean shit. If you die, it'll all be pointless. His sacrifice. Mine."

She looks up at him. She's not much shorter than he is, honestly, but she's smaller than ever right now, blue eyes clear as glass, rimmed red with tears and sleepless nights. Raymond imagines this is how he looked when he died.

"You really don't care if you live or die, do you?" she whispers.

"Honestly? I didn't." Raymond laughs. "Not until recently. Now I kinda do. But I'm older than you. I've had my fair share of crazy stuff. You deserve to be a kid for once."

It takes her a moment to collect her thoughts, it seems. She watches him and he lets her. He lets her absorb every feature, every tear that finally falls.

"Okay, fine," she whispers in the end. Just--- I'm coming with you, just in case. We need this to work. We just need to keep him busy long enough so that the others can get into that attic."

Raymond's not sure how good of an idea it is to have her there, but he caves in, knowing he'll do everything not to have it come down to her risking her life. He grins at everyone's expectant expressions when they re-enter the room. "We have ourselves a plan, guys."

There's a fine line between brave and foolish. Raymond wishes he could tell the difference.

______

｡･:*˚:✧｡ALL THE PLANNING takes a toll on all of them. Steve and Dustin keep fighting, exchanges more serious than their usual banter, barely stoppable at times, Max seems to regret gathering them all in such a small space, while Eddie just seems lost.

Raymond doesn't know which category he falls into, but he's definitely not a fan of this situation and he makes it known, unable to keep himself from snapping at a kid or two when they're being particularly annoying.

In the end, it's Nancy who suggests they all sleep it off and revisit the topic when they wake up. Polite as ever, she asks Max if they can all sleep over, as if there's an alternative, and Max doesn't seem to mind, probably glad Mrs Mayfield isn't at home.

Raymond gets to share a room --- or rather, a small attic, the irony --- with Eddie and, as soon as the sleeping arrangements of the others become too much trouble, they slip off into their little corner in order not to witness Dustin protesting against Steve and Robin's stay in an actual bedroom and his being stuck in the living room with Sinclair.

After they've both showered, Raymond and Eddie take Mrs Mayfield's old radio and put on Master of Puppets on loop. It's playing on low volume even as Raymond's sitting on top of a broken-down washing machine in the bathroom. He's wearing Max's t-shirt --- it's soft and coral red with orange stripes, totally her palette, a little short for him so it's basically cropped --- and a pair of basketball shorts with Billy's number on them.

Eddie's standing in front of him, between his legs, eyeing the cut going through his eyebrow. His hair is still wet, though he showered first, because he absolutely refused to towel dry it. He's in Billy's clothes, as well.

"This is gonna be such a cool scar," Eddie mutters. "I kinda envy you, doll."

Raymond swallows. "When did that start?"

"The envy? Well, when you got the cut, I guess."

"No, not that." His voice drops to a whisper. "The doll thing. You used to call me man."

"I call everyone man." Eddie smiles and presses an alcohol soaked cloth to the skin of Raymond's split bottom lip, making him wince. "Do you want me to call you man, man?"

It used to sound normal. It used to sound okay. Now, it doesn't any longer. It sounds too much like bro. Dude. Mate. Pal. Raymond absolutely hates it.

"No," he concludes. "Doll is perfect."

Eddie doesn't hesitate. "He is."

"You really can't resist being cheesy, can you?" He chuckles, words unclear due to the cloth against his lip. "You're all talk, but when it comes to real shit, you chicken out."

"I don't chicken out," Eddie corrects. "I'm just... thinking."

"Thinking?"

"Yes." He laughs, the sound dry. His hands come to rest on both sides of Raymond's thighs, fingers drumming against the washing machine. He's not looking at Raymond, but somewhere lower, at the wall or the tiled floor. "Thinking 'bout how I kissed a potentially dead man."

Raymond hates the way his own heart drops at the words. The thought that fucking hell, he's most likely about to fucking die, is sinking in, settling into that little space in his heart where something else is supposed to be, something akin to what he's having for breakfast tomorrow or what he's wearing to prom or what he wants to do to Eddie when they're finally safe and sound and can actually focus on each other. No plans matter anymore. All that's left is that hope for tonight, hope that, maybe, he makes it out, they all make it out, and thoughts about what to say if they don't.

He almost wishes he'd recorded little messages using that damn camera back at home when Eddie suggested it.

So he sighs and brushes his fingers through Eddie's damp hair, cherishes the way Eddie closes his eyes at the contact, and brings a finger beneath his chin to make him meet his eyes. As if gravity exists only to pull them closer together, Eddie leans in, heavy breaths warm against Raymond's mouth.

"You could always kiss him again," Raymond whispers, lips grazing Eddie's, and Eddie exhales sharply against him, his frown deep. "And again, and again..." He tugs him in by the belt loops. "You could do whatever you wanna do, baby."

And then he's leaning in to press his lips to Eddie's neck. Slow, dragged movements of lips against skin, opposing the rush Raymond's feeling. He's going to die. He might never get to touch Eddie again.

He can feel Eddie's hands on his thighs now, can feel the cold metal of the rings against his warm skin. Eddie's breathing is uneven, shuddering, and Raymond grows bolder, slipping a hand beneath his shirt, thumbing at the delicate skin over his ribs, knowing there's that bat tattoo right underneath his fingertips.

Eddie all but groans. "Ray, fuck-- you're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Trying to make me not think about it." Raymond dips his head, traces his lips down the skin of Eddie's jaw, feels him swallow. "I just--- I wish it didn't have to be you. Wish you'd stop trying to be the hero."

Raymond stills his movements, painfully aware of every breath Eddie takes. Yet, he looks up at him with his eyebrows raised. "I can't just let a kid go and take my place. It's not me being a hero, it's me knowing which one of us should be safe."

Eddie opens his mouth to defend himself, but Raymond doesn't let him speak. With a hand on Eddie's shoulder, not rough, but firm enough, he pushes until he can jump right off the washing machine and slip out of the bathroom with the radio in his hand.

Apparently, he's opened the door with a little too much force, because Steve and Max are sitting in the living room and watching him with wide eyes as he struts towards the creaky stairs. "Everything okay?"

"Going to bed," he responds. Robin pops out of nowhere with a toothbrush in her mouth and Raymond almost knocks her over, but pushes past her with a quiet, "Sorry, Buckley."

The single bed takes up almost half of the room. The other half is basically completely stacked with comic books and records and old boxes, all covered in dust. There's a barely functional lamp beside the bed, their single source of light, other than the moonlight pooling through the small skylight with its glass broken.

Raymond sits down on the bed and crosses his arms, choosing to say nothing when Eddie enters and kicks the door shut. Raymond flinches.

"Ray, what are you doing? Talk to me." Eddie sighs. "Can you really blame me for caring? For hoping it isn't you?"

"The other option we have is Max," Raymond mutters, glaring up at him. "She took us all in, gave us a place to stay. She's the only family of someone I loved and lost." In the corner of his eye, he notices a word written on one of the dusty boxes. That must be where they keep his things. "She's a fucking kid with an actual future ahead of her and you're suggesting we hand her over to Vecna because you don't wanna lose me?" Eddie opens his mouth to respond, but Raymond doesn't let him, although he knows he's taking it too far. "Hell, I hope I get to bloody live, 'cause there's so much I wanna do with the rest of my life, but we gotta be realistic."

And gosh, Raymond knows Eddie loves Max the way he himself does, knows he wouldn't let anything happen to that girl, but he said it and it's already too late to take it back. Plus, Eddie needs to understand that she's the only other possibility and how fucked up it would be to use her. He'll say whatever he needs to say, as long as it means she's safe.

Yet, he's taken it too far. Eddie swallows, eyes already glassy and big, and shakes his head. "It's not about trading you for her. I wish it could be anyone but you. These guys, I love them. without them I'd be even more confused and scared and lost but you're just... I just wish it could be me."

It can't be. It can't be Eddie because Raymond's already in too deep and without Eddie, it would be pointless. He can't lose Eddie. He'd rather die himself than lose Eddie.

That's the way one feels when they're falling. When there's that one person in this world who means something, who's worth trying. And if Eddie can't let Raymond die, either, he should be feeling the same way. So why isn't he?

"Why don't you wanna be with me?"

And it's so fucking blunt he himself almost physically flinches at his own words, but he doesn't dare break the eye contact because Eddie's breath hitches. "It's not like that."

"It is. You act like you care, but you run away the second something's about to happen."

Eddie shakes his head. "You don't get it, you--- I kissed you back there because I was just so glad you were safe. It was reckless and I wasn't thinking and I---"

"I was glad Harrington was safe when we went through. Don't remember fucking kissing him, though," he mutters. "Must've been under the bloody curse or something. You were gonna kiss me that night back at home, too. What was I safe from? Claude fucking Monet? Puzzles?"

"Raymond, be serious for one fucking second. You know we can't. I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"Why?"

Eddie looks away and swallows. "I can't have you that close if I'm gonna lose you."

That close. Eddie can't have him close because only having these feelings for him from afar is so much less painful, it will make it easier to bear once Raymond is gone. Getting close makes them real, the feelings Eddie's been trying so hard to push away, and those feelings bring suffering because Raymond won't be there.

But Raymond's feelings are real already, real without any kind of physical intimacy, without confession, without touch. They're real and they're here and they're going nowhere. Intimacy is only one of the steps, it's something he wants to share with someone so precious to him and hold onto that when the time comes to go.

Yet, Eddie doesn't seem to agree.

"I respect that, fine. I'm not talking about, I don't know, hooking up or whatever the hell we'd get to do. I'm talking about you not wanting to call this what it is. I just don't get how that works. I don't get why you're touching me one second and pushing me away the next. You're flirting and then you're acting like you want nothing to do with me." Raymond stands up. "Physical stuff's not everything, but deciding not to fucking kiss me doesn't make your bloody feelings go away."

Eddie warns. "I'm telling you, it's pointless to just--- to try and make it work when all this is going on and--- I like you, I really fucking do, I just don't wanna watch you die and---"

"Bullshit." Raymond stands up. "If I die, you'll see it. You'll see it and you'll fucking feel it, whether you make a move or not! You'll just regret wasting our time if you don't." He laughs and stomps over to the bed to grab his pillow. "You're being so fucking ridiculous right now, this is insane."

"How am I being ridiculous for not wanting to get hurt?"

"Because you're fucking running away. As expected."

And at this moment, with the way Eddie's gaze falters and he exhales shakily and drops his eyes to the ground, Raymond wishes he knew.

"Ray, doll, just---"

"Don't call me that."

"I'm sorry---"

He walks past Eddie and stops by the door. "I think I'm falling in love with you." The words are foreign on his tongue. They're foreign to Eddie's ears, as well, it seems, because the silence that ensues makes Raymond's skin crawl, so he continues. "And it scares the shit out of me because I know that I could be gone in a few hours. But it doesn't go away. It can't. Not even if I decide not to bloody kiss you or something." He risks it. He knows it'll hurt like a bitch, but it has to. Eddie needs to hear it. "And if it's any different for you, if choosing to stay away from me makes a difference, if it helps you lose feelings, then those feelings aren't real at all."

He's out the door before Eddie can respond. He needs air. There's nowhere to go, nowhere to run because he's a goddamn fugitive and he can't exactly be seen at the scene of the crime.

There's a hand on his shoulder and it's Robin's. She examines his face with a tired look to her bright eyes. She knows. He doesn't know why or how, but she does. "Mama Mayfield's room's down the hall. Steve found some fancy booze. You go have a sleepover with your bestie while I get your boyfriend all nice and emotionally available, 'kay?"

She doesn't wait for his answer. She brushes past him and slips into the attic, leaving him to stand in the middle of the hallway, blinking at nothing in particular, with no sense of where to go except for the room Robin just told him to find literally five seconds ago.

Steve's lying down with a bottle in his hand, glaring at it with furrowed brows. The second he spots Raymond, he grins and raises it. "Kirsch."

"Just what I need." He collapses onto the bed, limbs a little awkward until he, as elegantly as possible, lies down next to his best friend and grabs the bottle. "Why did she tell me to come here?"

"To get wasted, dunno." Steve snorts. "The best weapon when killing supernatural creatures from another dimension? Hangover!"

Raymond isn't that convinced, but he takes a swig anyway, passing the bottle back. "I'll take it."

"So, how's loverboy? You seem upset."

"He's good, he's... he's great, when he's not telling me to stay away because he doesn't wanna lose me." Raymond sighs.

"Okay, what the fuck?" And Raymond explains everything, in the simplest way possible, giving just enough detail for Steve to get the full picture. Steve nods along, blinking up at Raymond with those big sleepy eyes, before he tilts his head back and yawns. "So what I'm getting is that he's scared to commit to a relationship that might not work out because you're in danger? S'that it?"

"Basically." Raymond frowns. "He's making sense, you know, but I just... No clue. I just think he's freaking out over it instead of making peace with it and giving us a shot, you know?"

Steve giggles. "You want relationship advice, but, duuude, I'm telling you, you're asking the wrong person. When I, uh, when I care about someone, I tend to hurt them. Pretty bad."

Raymond remembers the wounded look in Nancy's eyes, the fake smile she wore when she saw him at the station, the façade she always had at the time, constantly, before Jonathan Byers. "Yeah, Wheeler had it pretty rough. Can't imagine what she'll do after this big speech you have for her."

"Right." Steve hums. "What I'm trying to say is, even when you think you're right, even when what you do makes complete sense, don't go too far and say shit you don't mean. Or even if you do mean it, think about how the other person could be feeling. You say he's wasting time, but you're pushing him away even more."

Raymond purses his lips. "Not sure he'll learn. I mean, it's been years." It sounds even more real now that he says it. "I've had this fucking crush on him for bloody years."

"I know." Lucky Steve.

"And it's never been real or anything, but we've been living together and--- and it's just been so weird lately, all of it, and I thought, with everything that's happening, that he'd--- I don't know, that he'd just decide to go for it."

"Not everyone thinks the same way, man. Maybe all of this is exactly why he doesn't wanna jump into it all of a sudden." Steve hiccups. "If I were you, I'd try to be happy with what's there now, whatever it is. You can't change how he feels. Might as well spend time with him if the world's going to shit."

Raymond hugs the bottle to his side. "Well, I'm fucking pissed, still, so I'm spending time with you now."

"Hey, man, I'm not your rebound."

"Wouldn't bloody dream of it."

"Also, I changed my mind, seriously, take it easy with the liquor," Steve scolds.

"Hey, I'm not facing the ugly evil witch monster thing from another dimension sober, no bloody way." He takes another sip, then gulps down some more for good measure and stares up at the ceiling. "Jesus, didn't expect this to be my life."

"Tell me about it." Steve groans. "I just wanted to apologise to Jonathan Byers, I swear. Now I'm a regular at the hospital and I can't even tell them what's happening, dad just pays the hospital bills without asking, you know. My ribs sometimes still hurt even when they've healed and I'm pretty sure I can't hear properly."

"Fucking hell."

"Exactly. What I'm saying is, it'll be over. At some point, we'll settle this down for good and--- and all of this will be over and we'll get to live normal, ordinary lives and cry over miserable paychecks and love." He pauses. "What you said about sacrificing yourself, I think you've got some balls, man, seriously. But don't try to die if you don't have to. Do what you gotta do. Just keep us all in mind and do everything you can to come back. Don't make peace with it that easily. S'probably what pissed Eddie off in the first place. How chill you are about it."

"I'm not---"

"Show him. Tell him. Be serious and just--- just don't die." He sighs. "You always gotta be so dramatic. Why can't you just stay out of trouble?"

Raymond, of all things, snorts. "Bloody fucking---"

"What's funny?"

"Walker."

Steve blinks. "What?"

"Sammy Walker! He says that a lot."

"Ugh, him again," Steve mutters. "The most forgettable face of Hawkins PD."

Raymond groans. "No way. He's bloody hot. The only guy there who wasn't, like, a creep. Except Hopper, obviously. He was chill." He remembers the sheriff's tired blue eyes and there's a brand new desire in him to kill Henry Creel for everything. "But yeah, Sammy's cool. Not a creep."

"He's also straight."

Raymond snorts again. "Right. Older than my dad? Maybe. But straight? With a face like that? No way. I can tell. I always can."

"Jesus, you're... Gosh, I hate you," Steve grumbles and pushes Raymond's shoulder. He's silent for a moment, a very brief moment. "I missed you. I was pretty lonely."

"I know, you befriended an actual child."

"Yeah, Dustin's... Dustin's great. He's a great kid. He's gonna be an awesome dude one day." Steve hums. "He's a lot like you, actually. He's smart, he's a dick---"

"He also found a cooler guy to replace you with."

"Yes, you both--- wait, Munson's cooler than me?" Steve's voice is high pitched. Raymond's not sure he likes it.

"He's in love with me, of all people. Makes him pretty cool if you ask me."

Steve groans. "Right, the coolest. My point is, I'm glad he's here. Glad you're here, too. Wish we could all be somewhere else, though." He pauses again. He's doing that a lot, for some reason. "Wish we could be back in high school."

"Hey, technically, I'm still in high school."

"I know. I meant, like, wish it could be that simple again. Wish we could go back, do some stuff differently. The stuff I did to you---"

"Come on, mate, you already---"

"Let me say this, okay? Shut up." He clears his throat and Raymond stares at the ceiling, sensing a faint headache coming. "The things I said to you, the way I saw you, I--- I'll never be able to forgive myself. There was so much I didn't understand, but... You know, I met Robin, like, last year. She told me and I told her and we talked and it felt... normal. Nice. I told her about you."

Raymond laughs. He remembers how she kept bringing up Steve, the entirety of last summer. 'You should really talk to him,' she said.

"I kept thinking about you. About what I did to you, about how I didn't defend you and I should have defended you, but how could I, when I was the one doing that crap in the first place?" His hands are shaking, Raymond notices in the corner of his vision. "I couldn't get it out of my head. The names they used, the names I used, the way I treated you and I should have done it differently, but I realised it a little too late and I'm such a fucking hypocrite, it's not even funny anymore."

Raymond bites back a proud little smile. Something in him settles into place, like a ship that's been out at sea, enduring an endless storm for far too long, that's finally found it's way home. Like a truth, ever so obvious, yet huge when it comes out into the open, waiting to be cut down by opinions. He remembers himself at that stage. When he cared a little too much about it.

"It's a little funny," he settles on saying.

Steve's laugh is annoyed, but there's a note of relief to it and Raymond knows that all ships have made it home. "Be serious for once, dude. Is this the part where I, like, come out to you or something? Rob didn't prepare me for this one."

"If you're cool with it." Raymond shrugs and turns to look at him. There are tears hiding in Steve's lower lashes. He hasn't faced him yet. "Buckley's all about finding the right name for it, you know, but you don't have to do all that, not if you're not sure. Heck, even if you are sure."

Steve clears his throat and blinks up at the ceiling. "I mean, I've been with, you know, girls."

"I know."

"I like girls, I think. They're pretty and smart and cool and brave."

"They are." Raymond's pretty sure he's describing Nancy Wheeler.

"But you can like... both, right? Robin says so, but she doesn't, so---"

Raymond nods. "You can. I do."

"Okay, okay. Good." Steve sighs and finally turns to glance at him, a sheepish laugh escaping his lips. "I like both, then."

"And they like you, too, I'm sure they do."

Steve opens his mouth, but the door slams open and Robin stands there, glancing between them. "Please tell me you're officially friends again."

They don't answer, but she grins and jumps right on top of them. The sudden rush of pain forces a cry out of Raymond's mouth. "My bloody shoulder, Buckley!"

"Shit, sorry, sorry, sorry." She kisses his shoulder and moves so most of her weight lies on top of Steve. "Your boy's all set. You should talk to him."

Raymond winces, but stands up, taking hesitant footsteps towards the door. Steve pushes Robin off and stands up, as well, following him. When Raymond's in the hallway, Steve stands against the doorframe, a look of gratitude in his eyes, and Raymond sends him a simple wink before turning away.

The ringing of the phone stops him halfway through the hallway and he rushes to answer, despite himself, because he'd rather do that than have to fight with whoever the hell the noise would have woken up.

"Mayfield," he says into the phone.

"Raymond, honey."

He frowns. His head's pulsating. "Mum? What's, uh... what's happening?"

"Raymond, we miss you. Your father misses you so much. You should call more often."

"Uh, okay?" He laughs, a little alarmed. "He knows how to use a phone, too---"

"You always bite the hand that feeds you, honey. That's what he always says."

"You know what, I'm kind of--- how'd you guys get this number? How did you know I'm here?"

Raymond notices movement somewhere down the hallway, hears a faint dripping sound. He glances in its direction, locking eyes with his mother and freezing in place.

"Because you can never hide from me."

A/N:
DUN DUN DUN!!!!

we're so back!! i'm so ready to wrap up this one y'all! it's getting closer and closer to the end

so yes! kind of filler-ish but this whole part of the show is, so don't blame me. i used the opportunity to have the characters bond a little

our lovebirds are fighting.. thoughts? which side are you on? i honestly get ray's point, but he's being insensitive, as usual, so i can't entirely support his side!!!

also steve!!!!!! bi steve is canon, you can't change my mind. i had to do it!! his and ray's story kind of comes full circle. the stuff he said to ray, i intentionally made him homophobic, but just homophobic enough for it to be visibly internalised. if you go back to their fight, you'll see how he saw ray as his future self, how he was scared he'd end up like that, and it'll make more sense to you

the ending was Hella stressful to write because i wasn't sure when to end the chapter but yes!! can't go wrong with a cliffhanger

love you all and take care<3
p.s. this one is for lara :)