"So... What you're saying is, you got kidnapped for the second time by a villainous organisation—"

"Yup."

"—don't interrupt me— Ahem, then, you escaped your bonds and went... exploring..."

"Yup."

"Y/n— You know what, never mind. While looking around, you found... this kid, and... just... took her with you??"

"Yup!"

"... Lord, give me the strength..." A sigh. "We'll talk more on that interesting decision later. Back to your escape... So you managed to attract lots of attention, and ended up cornered near the exit. And then a UA hero course student just conveniently... showed up? With no one else for backup? No professional heroes or even just other students?"

"... Yup!" You chirp, fixing your close good friend Nao with a bright smile. Eri, sitting on the counter next to you, mimics your grin. You're working on sneaking skittles into her hand without Nao noticing while she talks at you. It's going pretty well. You're definitely going to have to get her to wash her hands after though.

Nao's eyes only narrow in response. "Don't you think that's suspicious?"

"No, no, no." You wave her off, leaning in front of Eri just a tad to hide the fact that you're now attempting to pour the entire rest of the bag into the pocket of the massive hoodie she's swallowed in. "You have to say that it's sus, Nao, or you're not hip and down with the kids. Be cool or be a fool 😎." You think for a second, pretending not to hear the muffled clattering as skittle after skittle hit the floor. "Actually, maybe it's sketch now. I don't know, I don't actually hang around on that side of the internet. Okay yeah let's just stick with Suspicious-"

It's been around a day or so since the Great Kidnapping of Whatever-the-fuck-the-year-is, and you've been flunking off of school to hang out with Eri. You've been harbouring her in the café for now, since your brother's completely taken over the house for some reason or other. Which is great because it means you don't have to see his ugly mug 😌.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Nao's right (what a wild concept), it is pretty suspicious that Ochacolatte just appeared from nowhere to kick ass and ruin lives the other day, but you love and adore her so you've made the executive decision not to question it. Also no one from UA has come to the café since then and you dropped your phone in the toilet last night so there's that too. You personally think the more pressing matter is Eri - you've only had her for about a day and a half now, but if anything happened to her you'd kill everyone you know and then yourself. She is your child now and you are never letting her get into harm's way again.

It helps that no one from the yakuza have shown up either. Which is kind of suspicious too but like whatever you know lmao lol rofl hahahahaha.

Nao gives a groan that you've heard many times over the years. And not a 😳😳 kinda one. That's yet to come. Jk jk we're child-friendly here or something- "Could you please take this more seriously? Your life is at risk here! Not only do you have a suspicious hero on your hands, you also have this... this child now." She crosses her arms. "And I see you pouring skittles into her pocket."

You chuck the packet of skittles over your shoulder in the vague direction of the bin. It crinkles loudly against the wall and drops to the floor several metres away from it. "No, you don't."

Another sigh. "The point is, you're in over your head here, Y/n. You should go to the police, or the pro heroes - if not to tell them that you are literally a yakuza target, then at least to put Eri into their care. I know your brother barely looks after you as it is; how do you expect to take care of her properly when you're living like that?"

Okay, valid point, but that's too heavy for a crackfic. Therefore, Nao's argument is null and void, and so you give a very appropriate reaction of dramatically gasping and throwing your arms around the small child. "How could you sAY something like that— She is my child— My baby— You can pry her from my cOLD DEAD HANDS YOU BIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiii- um. Bad person. Anyway, uh, tELL HER ERI—"

Eri, who has mostly just been quiet as she happily swings her legs and munches on sweets up until now, looks up at your exaggerated expression of despair with wide eyes. She seems to think for a moment, before reaching up with sticky skittle hands to push the corners of your lips up into a smile. Then, she turns to Nao, speaking in a loud, clear voice:

"Fuck da police."

You think you've just witnessed a death in 4k.

Absolutely wheezing, you watch as Nao visibly pales, now looking very faint. If this was in the anime little strands of hair would probably be sticking up all over her head by now. A shame. Eri takes one look at Nao's horror-stricken expression and is now turning to you with her own face scrunched up in concern. "Did I say something bad...?"

"Nothing at all, muffin," you beam, patting her head. "Nothing at all."

Nao rounds on you, finally finding her words. "What have you been tea—?!"

And then you STEAL THEM- H- Her words, I mean. You steal her words. As in her chance to speak. As in,,, as in you cut her off.

"Fiiiine." You sigh, successfully shutting her up, albeit she now has a very annoyed expression. "You're right."

Nao blinks, completely uncomprehending of what you just said. To be fair you don't think you've ever said she was right before, so this is a pretty valid reaction. "Pardon?"

You grab a wet wipe from somewhere under the counter and began gently cleaning Eri's hands, shrugging. "You're right. I probably should get some help with Ericorn here. Oh, and report the whole kidnapping thing— So!" Eri squeals as you scoop her up and set her on your shoulders, you now grinning at Nao. "Let's go to UA!"

"What?!" Nao splutters in disbelief as you somehow manage to hop the counter with a small child on top of you, trailing after you on your way to the exit. She doesn't seem to register it as you chuck the café keys over your shoulder at her, though she does seem to unconsciously catch them and lock the door behind the three of you on her way out. "What do you mean 'go to UA'?? It's a private academy, you can't just show up there! Especially not with a child that you basically kidnapped!"

"Pssht, it's fiiiiine." You're already skipping down the road in the vague direction of the school. "I got homies there. Besides, it probably won't be too difficult to sneak in if it really comes down to it. If I can break out of two secret villain bases, then I can defo break in to a not-secret hero school. Just protagonist things 🤪✌️."

Nao groans. "Y/n, you are not breaking into U— Y/n?! Y/n, get back hERE—"

Aaaaand you're off, sprinting into the middle distance with Eri screech-laughing on your shoulders like you just spray-painted a train and a stroppy guy with a whistle is running after you.

To UA!

—

woah look it's nao how crazy
the random colours at the side were gonna be for shading and then i got lazy lol

did i ever mention that i have an art instagram
uhhh
oh well anyway see you guys in another few months