MY MOCK EXAMS START TOMORROW SO AM I STRESS WRITING? HELL YEAH I AM WOOOO
SORRY IF IT'S HORRIBLE LMAO BUT WE BACK BABEY
🤪✌️
s4 spoilers

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So you really weren't expecting to be kidnapped again, but here you are now, you guess. Guess you're just irresistible ☆.

You don't actually know who yoinked you this time around, but, hey, at least you're not tied to a chair. That shit hurt. This bed was way more comfortable... Speaking of which, you now kinda have the urge to try eating a bed-related item... Maybe that would summon a wild Iida or something. That would be pretty neat. He could help you get out of here or smth.

... Nah, you can do that later. For now it's probably best to figure out what the hell is going on. Iida is usually pretty darn loud so he'd ruin your Sneak 💯 if he were here, unfortunately.

Anyway, with that thought in mind, you hop off the bed, heading for the door though you pause halfway. You're kinda cold now... Just a lil chilly. 'Tis a bit nippy in here. You get the point. You slowly turn to look back at the bed. Well... It is here for you to use, right? So you're gonna use the hell out of it. Just, uh, probably not how you're meant to.

A solid three minutes later, you're heading for the door again, a bedsheet serving as a very oversized hoodie. It has a pocket and everything! Arts and crafts! Woah, you really can make anything when you put your mind to it. Which means you could...

bARNEY IS A DINOSAUR FROM OUR IMAGINAAAAATION- AND WHEN HE'S TALL HE'S WHAT WE CALL A DINOSAUR SENSAAAAATION-

... God damnit, where's my Barney? You look around the room with great disappointment. Maybe if you wait long enough he'll appear? Or maybe you need to scream the song out loud? Ah, decisions, decisions. You're terrible with decisions.

You're too busy trying to figure out how to conjure up your local Susie's papa to notice the door you were gonna leave through opening behind you.

"... Um, hello?"

You snap your head around so fast that you're surprised it doesn't fly right off. That would've been cool though. What isn't very cool is the weird blond dude at the door wearing what you're pretty sure is a plague mask, but just the beak-looking part. Maybe that's all plague masks are meant to be, but, like, it ruins the vibe if you don't have the top part, y'know? The eye part? Yeah. So you decide you don't like this guy even if plaguecore is pretty nifty irl right now.

The dude hesitated for a moment before continuing on, pretty much unintimidated. Well, that won't do. "Overhaul wants'ta see ya, s—"

"Where the FUCK is my big puRPLE DINOSAUR-" You're a master screecher, if you do say so yourself, which is why you pull a surprised pikachu face when he just,,,, stares at you,,,, Rude. Cower before me, your lord and saviour, Tootsie Megagirl.

"... What?"

Dissatisfied with this answer, you deck him in the face.

You figure he's kinda irrelevant, or at the very least forgettable, so you shove your makeshift hoodie over his fallen form, hop over him and lock the door from the outside, before then proceeding to skrrt on down the corridor. Corridor? Hall? Tbh you have no idea where this place is, or even what it's meant to be. It feels like some kinda maze, but maybe that's just you being shitty with directions. Either way, you're preeeeetty sure you're underground, so the best course of action is to find a way up.

Only, five minutes have passed and you still haven't found any stairs, so now you're bored of that.

Instead, you begin to just wander aimlessly around, opening and closing random doors and such that you find. Most of them are void of people, with interiors so boring and so shitty that you instantly go fuck that and slam the doors shut. Seriously, a mustard yellow rug on a neon green floor? Smh. You know nothing about interior design, but even your standards are higher than that. Just a little.

Oh, anyway, some rooms do actually have people in them, so when you open those doors to complain about the shoddy furniture it's a little awkward. You don't stop complaining, though, because something about this place is really bringing out your inner Karen. Between that and how loudly you've been slamming doors, you've accidentally amassed quite a following. Truly irresistible ☆. Watch out Aoyama, I'm coming for your spot.

Oh right. The people.

They're, uh, not as easy to deck or just generally take down as that blond guy and the League were, so you're really just trying your best to avoid them. They're literally everywhere, though. It's like they're crawling from the woodwork, like a horde of clingy exes. Except they're not your exes because you're a lonely little bitch 😔✌️.

Sorry Mina-

So anyway.

In an attempt to escape your pursuers, you slide on in to a random room which actually isn't as horribly decorated as the rest, only to come face to face to with,,, Uh-oh.

The most adorable kid you have ever laid eyes on. Like, holy shit, you've seen 1-A's baby pictures and hardly any of them even come closE- Ahem-

She freezes up as you enter, looking round at you with wide, glassy eyes. Her tiny little fists clutch tightly at the blankets she's pulled around herself, which she shrinks further into now at the sight of you. Even from over here you can tell she's trembling. Clearly, she's terrified. Clearly, she needs help.

Clearly, you have no idea how to deal with this, so you decide aight, I'mma head out-

You give an awkward smile, gesturing over your shoulder as you slowly back up through the door again. "Oop, uh, sorry, b. I'm just gonna go—"

You turn around to walk out easier, but stop in your tracks as the kid calls a meek, shaky, "W-Wait—!" You physically can't bring yourself to ignore her - the power of the babey compels you - so you look back over your shoulder just in time to see her practically throw herself out of bed and stumble across the room to you. She's clinging to the hem of your shirt within moments, her grip scarily tight as she looks up at you with those big, shiny eyes.

Uh-oh. Unintentional puppy dog eyes. Haha, you're in danger.

She speaks up again after a moment or so, scanning your face for some hint of a friendly expression or other as she hesitantly stutters out, "Y... You're... You're not one of them, r— right-?"

"Oh, you mean one of the wack ass motherfuuuuuu-" You figure you proooobably shouldn't swear in front of the child, and then realise you've never given a shit about social customs and whatnot now and just go for it. Mad lad. "-uuuuckers with the half-Plague masks? Nah, man. It's cool that they're prepped against the virus and all, but if you're gonna try and rock the plague doctor style, rock it right yanno? Uh, anyway, yeah, the point is I'm not. Just kinda got napkidded by them, soooo." You shrug. Wow, what an explanation to give to a clearly scared young child. 11/10, good job, Y/n.

Somehow, the kid understands at least most of the bullshit you just spewed out. She tilts her head now, her forehead pinching in some form of worry as her hair falls aside to highlight the little horn on the right side of her head some more. Wait, woah, wack, did she have that this whole time-? Damn, you really need to pay more attention to your surroundings. And you can start by actually listening to what the girl is saying-

"So... So you're stuck, too?"

... Yo, what the shit, has this precious baby child been kidnapped too? You really should have picked up on that sooner, since she's obviously terrified and injured and all. Yup, working on your spatial awareness skills is definitely going on the bucket list.

You shake your head in response, turning back to face her properly since your neck is really starting to ache from craning it round like this. She hastens to latch onto the front of your shirt instead. "Nope. I'm 'boutta blow this joint. I got a café to man, I don't have time for this bs. So, on that note, I should prooooobably get goi-" You probably also should have led with an invitation for her to come with, but it doesn't matter now since the little cutie quickly interrupts you to ask instead.

"Please take me with you!!" Oh, yeah, maybe you actually should have said about it first, since it looks like The Child is about to have a meltdown. Her face is all scrunched up, her eyes somehow wider than before and shimmering with desperate tears, her voice wavering even as she begs you to get her out of here. "Pl- Please, please help me...!!"

Now, there are two options here. The easy one, where you throw up peace signs and leave the adorable small child to possibly die here, and the probably-morally-correct one, where you take the adorable small child and skeet the fuck outta here because you're soft. And you are most definitely soft, so you go with the second one.

You give a sigh, purely because it would probably be easier to leave by yourself, easing your shirt out of her vice grip and feeling your heart literally shatter at the suddenly horrified look on her face. You're quick to turn and crouch down then, looking over your shoulder at her again and holding out your arms. "Aight, hop on then. We should probably get yeetin' before they find us."

Her expression rapidly changes from mortified to shocked to elated, and you're pretty sure those tears are actually welling up as she scrambles to climb onto your back. You tuck your arms under her legs so she doesn't fall - Jesus Christ she's light - and stand up, though you quickly have to switch to tapping her arms with one hand since she might actually choke you. "LiIiIiIiiIttLE lOoseR thEre, chAmp-"

The kid gives a meek 'sorry' and promptly stops almost murdering you. You let out a sigh of relief, returning to holding her properly and then aggressively kicking the door open.

Oh shit. A lad.

You and yet another blond guy stare each other down for a hot sec, the kid trembling on your back. Then the door finishes slamming against the wall and swings back, closing between you again.

Welp. This ain't good.

The door handle twists again almost instantly, and you once again forego your hold on one of the girl's legs to grab a small table from nearby. You don't know what it's doing there, but it makes for a perfect weapon to smash down on the dude's head as soon as he opens the door again, which you do. The way he flops down really reminds of you of that time you whacked Twice over the head with a chair. Ahh, memories.

You once again step over a crumpled body, and begin to jog on down the hall. You still don't know where you're going though, which might be a problem. Hey, maybe the kid does? You really need to stop referring to her as 'the kid' and other variants. Figuring you may as well get her name before you pick her brain for an escape route, you turn a corner and chirp, "So, you got a name, muffin?"

"H-Huh—? Oh! Yes- Yes, I'm Eri...!" Her voice is wavering even now, oh jeez. Well, it's reasonable to be scared, you guess. She pipes up again before you can respond to that, looking over your shoulder at you with her big ol' peepers. "What's your name...?"

"MynameisJeff- ahem, but you can call me God." You nod to yourself. You really couldn't help yourself, lmao. You're fully expecting her to ask for your real name, which is why you almost choke when her only reply is a cheery, 'okay, God!'

... Well, you're not about to correct her when this is gonna turn out to be a mighty fine ego booster.

Anyway, escaping! Time to consult the kid. Damnit you called her the kid again- "Sooo, Eri, you know any way outta here?"

"Um... Kind of... O-Only... Only from some places..." She mumbles an apology after, and you swear on your goddamn life that you are getting this precious bean out of here.

"Well, guess we'll just have to skrrt skrrt until we find one of those places," you declare, and skrrt skrrt you do.

You whizz around on your heelies for a good while, having to stop and either deck or hide from someone every so often. You're making good progress, actually, it's very surprising that you haven't been caught yet. Plot convenience, ig.

It only takes a little while after slamming that last guy's nose into a flower pot for Eri to suddenly cry out in what you originally assume is alarm, but when she starts tugging at your hair you realise that she's actually just recognised where you are. You reach up and pat at her hands for mercy, rolling to a stop at a corner. "WoahHh, easy there, muffin- Less pulling, more directing, yeah?"

"R-Right—!"

Goddamn, what a dream team you are. After a good few more twists and turns, you're rapidly approaching an exit. You genuinely almost make it, both you and Eri leaning forward as you sprint for the big set of double doors, and then, of course, something goes wrong.

You trip, and then at least a dozen yakuza members literally crawl out of the woodwork. Fun, truly.

You scramble to get up again, shifting Eri around so you can hold her to your chest instead as your head whips around to look at the tight circle forming around you. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh sHIT- This was not part of the plan. This is not part of the plan. There was and is no plan but this is most certainly not part of it. This really ain't it, chief.

Chewing at your lip, you gently guide Eri's head to press her face into your neck so she doesn't have to watch the yakuza closing in around you. She's shaking so hard that it's hard to tell if she's causing your own trembling or whether you're also just terrified. Could be both, who knows? This is different to back at the League of Villains. There's so much more of them here, and you can't just beat them by being a crackhead because you have a fucking child here that you need to protect. God damn, how do heroes do this shit on a regular basis?

You can see only one possible way out now. It's so incredibly unlikely that it'll work, but you really can't think of anything else. You can't best these guys physically, and you probably can't outwit them either, so...

You give a nervous chuckle, forcing yourself to look away from the mass of hands reaching for you and up at who you have decided is most likely to be the leader of this little group. Your grip on Eri tightens.

"... So, Uno?"