This one... this is frickin angsty.

Thank you to enby_ofdoom , who screamed about this with me and helped me brainstorm in DM's a while ago. I finally wrote it, Phantom!

Warnings are for a lot of emotional pain, a form of self-harm (self harm isn't always blood and physical things), a little bit of violence (a character gets punched), and a lot of depressing themes (as the title suggests)

WC: ~3100 (look who got carried away lmao- I wrote this in a day-)

Enjoy!

"I hate you," Xay hissed. "You've ruined everything, all in your own selfish motives."

"...Selfish?" Xisuma's voice was shocked. Cold. Furious. "Selfish? I've done it all for you, for us, and you're calling me selfish?" Xay opened his mouth to speak, but Xisuma pushed him back, cutting off any words.

"I'm anything but selfish," he spat. "You're ungrateful, and just in denial because you know that everything that you do destroys what's around you."

Xay's anger wavered for a moment, but Xisuma didn't notice. He didn't care.

"You've ruined every single opportunity I've had," Xisuma was vaguely aware of tears burning in his eyes. "All because you're too arrogant to just be happy for me. All because you're so caught up in your own world, you couldn't care less about what's important to me. You don't care, and neither do I."

"Xisuma-"

"Save it. Save it. I'm done with what you are, I'm done with this all, because you know what?"

"I NEVER ASKED FOR A BROTHER LIKE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE."

And before Xisuma knew what was going on, there was an earsplitting bang, and Xay dropped into a hole that had opened up at his feet.

So caught up in their argument, Xisuma hadn't noticed the Admin magic stirring inside him.

He didn't notice until it was too late.

Xay dropped into the Void, and all of Xisuma's anger disintegrated.

"Xa- XAY!!" Xisuma screamed. He dropped to the ground, his hands flat on the grass, as if feeling around to try and find a way to re-open the rift.

"Xay- I didn't mean it-" Xisuma felt tears streaming down his face. "I didn't mean it- please- Xay I need you- I'm sorry- I-" Xisuma's words were cut off by a sob.

He had to fix this. He had to.

Xisuma had rushed home, pulling up his communicator and opening a bunch of settings. He tried to figure out how to get to Xay, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing.

No, he thought. I can't let this happen, I can't let him stay there.

Xisuma worked for hours, hours on end.

Nothing came through, nothing worked.

His vision blurred, either from panic or tears, he couldn't tell, he didn't care. All that mattered was Xay, Xay, his brother, the person he loved the most, the person that would be tortured by the Void until Xisuma could save him.

Xisuma's hands were shaking as he opened up every menu he could think of, trying to find Xay's player profile, looking for information about the Void's code, something on banning players, anything.

Nothing worked.

Xisuma closed his communicator, realizing tears were streaming down his cheeks and splattering onto his clothes and the floor. He wiped his eyes, and glancing around, he noticed a pen sitting on his desk.

He picked it up, vaguely remembering someone giving him it. It was invisible ink, and Xisuma took a piece of paper to write with it,

Don't stop until Xay's back.

He left the paper on his desk, then went right back to work.

"Xisuma?? Are you in there?"

Xisuma snapped awake, blinking a couple of times. He didn't remember falling asleep, what had happened-

There was a knock at the door.

Xisuma rubbed his eyes and pulled on his helmet before answering.

It was Biffa, and he looked worried.

"X, it's been two days," he said, removing Xisuma's helmet. Biffa was the only one that had seen Xisuma's face, the only one that was allowed to. Biffa pressed the back of his hand to Xisuma's forehead, checking for illness.

Biffa's words registered, hitting Xisuma like the waves of an ocean.

"Two- two days?" Xisuma sputtered. Biffa nodded, then grabbed Xisuma's arm when he tried to run back into his room. Biffa surveyed his face, his expression softening upon seeing something.

"Why have you been crying?" Biffa asked softly, his thumb running down the tear tracks imprinted on Xisuma's cheeks.

"I- I messed up-" he wouldn't have admitted it to anyone except Biffa, his best friend, the other Admin on the server and the person who'd saved his life. "I g-got into an argument with Xay- and I-" he swallowed thickly, swiping newly-forming tears from his eyes. "I accidentally banned him."

Biffa's eyes went wide, first with shock, then with sympathy. Xisuma forced his eyes away from Biffa's gaze, the emotion in it only drawing more tears to his eyes.

"I assume you locked yourself away to try and fix it?" Biffa held onto his calm tone despite the circumstances.

"Y-yeah-" Xisuma mumbled. "We... we can fix it, right?"

"Let's see," was all Biffa said before guiding him back into the room.

They worked together for what seemed like days, the anxiety and worry building up in Xisuma's stomach with each passing second.

He hated the Void, he hated the codes, he hated himself, and he almost hated Xay, but those thoughts didn't linger for long as Xisuma shut them down.

Biffa narrowed his eyes at a holographic screen, typing something in while Xisuma watched him, practically shaking with nervousness.

A red popup came onto the screen, and Biffa sighed and closed his communicator. He met Xisuma's eyes and shook his head.

The entire world caved around Xisuma.

That was their last idea, their last shot, their last chance. Xisuma clutched his knees to his chest and shook with sobs, feeling as if he were compressed by his raw hate, hate for himself.

Biffa tried to comfort him, promising that they'd figure something out, but it really wasn't worth his time.

Xisuma told Biffa that he'd be alright, but he'd need a couple of days, to which Biffa was more than willing to promise him, saying he'd inform the rest of the Hermits.

And right as he was about to leave, Xisuma told him,

"I am going to get him back. Whether it takes a day, a week, a month or even a year. I will get my brother back."

And Biffa left, leaving Xisuma alone with his thoughts.

As soon as the door closed, Xisuma grabbed the invisible ink marker off his desk, and in an impulsive movement, drew a single line on the underside of his wrist. It wasn't a long line, about the length of the largest part of his first finger.

He wasn't aware of it at the moment, but that line wouldn't be the last.

Another day.

Another failed attempt.

Xisuma felt like he was running on nothing but grief, sluggish and clogging his thoughts. It was like trying to work with quicksand or sugar paste, there was nothing there except painfully empty emotions.

He could get him back, he'd have to.

And with the red lines of invalid code came feelings of hate, regret, self-loathing.

He was shattering, each thought a shard of fragile glass that had been broken only to pierce into his skin.

Xisuma picked up the invisible ink marker again, flicking on the light that was attached to it. It revealed the little line on his wrist that remained from the day before, and Xisuma slowly drew a second line from it. The second turned into a third, and a third turned into a fourth.

The lines slowly turned into what looked like... cracks. Fractures in a glass pane. Xisuma capped the marker and set it down, sighing softly.

Leaving the cracks there, for no one to see, and only for Xisuma to feel.

As time went on, Xisuma slowly started to recover.

Although he still would lock himself away daily to work on getting his brother back, a year's worth of grief doesn't burn with the same passion that it once did.

The cracks, however, never ceased.

Every day. Every thought. All of it amounted to a crack on his skin.

It had spread to his other arm, his neck, parts of his face and his ankles. Whenever cracks started fading, he'd draw them over. It was almost... calming, in the absolute most twisted sense possible.

But not really.

It was refreshing in the moment, the solid tip of the marker digging into his skin to create another reminder of what a failure he was. But as the cracks built up, the thoughts that came with them never melted away.

Worthless.

Not good enough.

Stupid.

Better dead.

An excuse for a brother.

Xay would still be here if it weren't for you.

Everything is your fault.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

After all, they were cracks on a broken heart.

Some of the words and thoughts mixed into the cracks, scribbled out reminders of his self-worth.

A permanent marker.

Xisuma wasn't thinking when he drew the cracks on his upper arm in black ink, to be covered up by his armor, but would forever be there to remind him.

Xisuma stared at himself in the mirror. Broken skin. Broken mind. Broken heart.

And for the first time since as long as he could remember, Xisuma crumbled to the ground and let himself cry.

Two years and he was still going strong.

Instead of the tactics he'd been trying, he ended up resorting to the absolute worst plan he'd ever had.

Rewriting the Void's code.

It would take years, maybe even a decade, to complete a project that big.

But he'd do anything for Xay.

Xisuma held up his communicator and got to work.

Years passed.

Hermitcraft ate away most of his time, but the little bit of free time that he got, alone in his base, was solely dedicated to retrieving his brother.

At that point, he'd given up on trying to keep it a secret from the Hermits- they all knew that he was trying to get Xay back, and occasionally they'd stop by to force him to self-care.

But did he really have time for that?

Every moment he took a second to eat, every moment he slept, his mind was filled with Xay.

Each moment was a moment lost, a grain of sand that fell in the ticking hourglass that symbolized Xay's life.

One could only survive the Void for so long.

The cold reality that his brother's fate was in his hands was daunting, to say the very least.

It felt like he was only halfway done, but with such a large project that took so much time?

He couldn't help but question if it'd finally pay off.

It could be a dead end.

Xisuma pushed past the terrifying thought and kept working.

Moment of truth.

Xisuma typed in the last line of code, hit enter, then switched to the commands.

Six years.

/unban Evil_Xisuma

Xisuma held his breath and waited.

<Evil_Xisuma has joined the game>

Xisuma stood up so fast, his vision blurred.

Tears of joy came to his eyes and he scrambled to put on his elytra, rocketing to spawn.

Finally, finally, he'd done it.

A crap-eating smile came to his lips as he rushed to land.

And there was Xay, after all this time.

Xisuma rushed over to where he lay, carefully taking off Xay's helmet and checking his breathing. Xay was, indeed, alive, but seemed to be struggling to adjust to how thick Overworldian air was compared to the Void.

Xay coughed, then opened his eyes.

"Oh my days," Xisuma whispered. "You're... alive."

Xay didn't reply, just gasped for breath.

Xisuma pulled Xay closer, hardly able to believe that somehow Xay was alive.

"Xisuma?" Xay's voice was raspy, unfamiliar. Xisuma clutched him tighter, almost as if he were afraid that if he let go, Xay would vanish.

"It's me," he said softly.

"Get away from me."

Xisuma froze, letting go of Xay and moving back.

Xay sat up, glaring at Xisuma. Xisuma tilted his head at Xay, confused and a little scared.

"You're... you're acting like you care," Xay spat. "You left me there for who knows how long, left me there to rot. You can't just bring me back when you feel like it and ACT LIKE YOU CARED." Xay stood up, his hands clenched into fists. Xisuma shrunk down beneath him, eyes wide with terror.

"You can't just bring me back," Xay hissed. "Then act like I meant anything to you at all."

"I- I didn't-" Xisuma stammered. "I tried to get you back sooner- I didn't-"

"Shut up," Xay yelled. "Shut up."

Tears were dripping down Xisuma's cheeks, a black pool of self-loathing building in his heart.

A hand went to his upper arm, where the black cracks were.

Maybe Xay was right.

Maybe he should've tried harder.

Done more.

"I- I'm sorry," Xisuma whispered, lowering his head. And to Xisuma's shock, Xay knelt down beside him and took Xisuma's head in one of his hands.

"No," Xay said softly, dangerously.

"You're not."

And Xisuma gasped as Xay's fist found its way straight into Xisuma's stomach.

Before Xisuma could even blink, Xay had been knocked aside by someone else.

Silver armor, blue eyes like summer skies.

Wels.

He must've seen the message in chat.

Xisuma scrambled to stand up, eyes going wide upon seeing Wels towering over Xay, hands balled into fists.

"Don't touch him," Xisuma's voice came out far more harsh than he intended, and he went to stand between Wels and Xay.

"Wh-" Wels stammered. "But he just-"

"Don't you dare hurt him," Xisuma's words were on the verge of shouts, and he flinched back from how furious he sounded.

The anger melted away at the shock on Wels's expression, and suddenly, Xisuma felt himself caving.

"I- I'm sorry-" he stuttered. "I didn't mean to hurt you-"

"You didn't," Wels assured him.

Xisuma felt like he couldn't even hear him.

Why do you hurt everyone you touch?

Xisuma stepped back, and more Hermits were arriving to see what was going on.

"I- I-" Xisuma's breathing quickened, his vision blurred.

"Xisuma, relax," Wels's voice was soothing. "You didn't do anything wrong."

What a lie.

The Hermits looked worried, and each of their stares was a knife, stabbing him through and through.

Without thinking, Xisuma whipped around and rocketed away.

"What did you do??" Wels spat the minute Xisuma left. Xay glared at him.

"Why does it matter to you?" he challenged. Wels and a couple of other Hermits had come to spawn to meet with Xay, but when they found him alone...

"I don't think you realize," Wels shouted. "What you've done."

"I told him what he deserved to hear," Xay hissed.

Wels looked just about ready to punch Xay in the face, which was exactly why xB chose to intervene.

"Xisuma never stopped caring about you," xB said softly. "I doubt there was a single day that he didn't work to bring you back. He couldn't just unban you, so he... he rewrote the Void's code. Started from scratch and built it up again."

Xay's eyes went wide, his anger wavering.

"We had to take 'making sure he doesn't starve himself' into our own hands," Hypno added. "It was a whole system on who'd go over to make sure he was taking care of himself."

"And a certain ungrateful brat," Wels snarled. "Comes here and punches him."

"I- I didn't know!" Xay cried, guilt in his voice. "I just assumed it was as easy as a slash command!"

"Well, it certainly wasn't!"

Xay pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath.

"Maybe I was too harsh," he muttered.

Wels grit his teeth and stormed forward, probably to beat Xay up or something, when Jevin grabbed his wrist.

"Chill out, noble knight," Jevin said dryly. "Xay will just have to apologize. Right?" he turned to the Admin's twin on the last word, narrowing his eyes.

Xay sighed.

"You're right."

Xisuma's world was nothing more than a paper of wet watercolors, and when a drop of black spilled on the soaked paper, the black spread out, completely destroying the colored picture that he'd loved.

He held a permanent marker in his hand, clutched in a tight grip. Tears were coming too quickly for him to bother uncapping the marker and drawing on his own skin.

The tears were coming too fast, too strong, he couldn't stop them and wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

And almost like he'd been possessed, he suddenly pulled his sleeve up, uncapped the marker, and drew.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Like shards of glass.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

He wasn't worth anything anymore.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

Xay hated him. Xay deserved to hate him.

Crack. Crack. Crack.

He couldn't help but hate himself too.

Crack. Crack. Cra-

"What are you doing?"

Xisuma froze, his blood going cold.

It was Xay.

The hate was drained out of his voice, leaving nothing but confusion with the question.

"It's- don't worry about it," Xisuma mumbled, turning away so that he wouldn't have to face Xay.

Xay came up behind him, sitting down on Xisuma's bed, where the Admin sat. He stared at Xisuma's arm, the only attempt Xisuma made to stop him was awkwardly covering up the marks.

Xay moved Xisuma's hand away, his own fingers brushing the lines.

"I thought you hated me," Xisuma found himself whispering. Xay didn't reply, just continued tracing the lines. He stopped at where Xisuma had scribbled the word 'worthless'.

"That's not true," Xay's words partially referred to what Xisuma had said earlier, and partially to the word on Xisuma's skin.

It was Xisuma's turn to not reply.

"It's like... cracks," Xay finally realized. "Like shattered glass." A bitter laugh escaped Xisuma, and he pulled out the invisible ink light.

Why would you think he'd care?

"You haven't seen the worst of it," Xisuma chuckled, the laughter nothing but dark. He shone the light on his arm, his neck, his face, webs of what looked like fractured glass revealed.

Xay looked horrified, and Xisuma sighed, looking away.

"I... I really am sorry, Xay," he mumbled. "I shouldn't have lost my temper that day, I should've done more to get you back, I should've just... listened to you."

"No," Xay whispered. "I should've listened to you. You were trying to tell me that you hadn't left me for dead. I shouldn't have lost my temper, I should've been more open to what you were saying, and I shouldn't have assumed the worst."

"How have you just... suddenly forgiven everything?" Xisuma couldn't help but ask.

"Your friends explained it to me," Xay mumbled. "I thought it was just as simple as 'unban'. I just... I don't know. Also, I'm sorry for punching you."

"It's fine," Xisuma felt a small, genuine smile creep onto his face. "Void, Xay. I'm so happy to have you back."

And when Xay hugged him, maybe, just maybe, some of the fractures healed up.

Perhaps it really was possible to heal a broken heart.

As things normally go for these darker-themed oneshots! This is not a projection oneshot, this story has nothing to do with me other than the fact that I wrote it.

also ngl that ending is super rushed but it's a quarter to midnight so like-

-Storm