Everything was falling apart.

That was Gerard's conclusion as he suffered his way through another day of sitting by his brother's side with still no response from him. It felt like ages since he had last seen Mikey's eyes open, since he had spoken to him and actually received a response. In reality, it had only been two days, but still - that was more than Gerard could handle.

The doctor assured him that this was a normal response to an overdose. According to him, his brain functions were normal, so he would wake up as soon as his body was ready. He had been through a lot, and he needed to recharge before he was able to regain consciousness, but that wasn't very reassuring to Gerard. It was hard to believe that his brother was okay when he looked a step away from death, his pale skin matching the hospital sheets, the only sign of life emitting from the steady beep of the machines surrounding him and the subtle rise and fall of his chest.

Gerard wasn't able to eat or sleep properly, he had even been calling into work - claiming that his mother was in the hospital and not his overdosed brother in fear of the religious school firing him for being associated with such a scandal. He didn't need to be here every hour of the day, in fact, the nurses had been constantly telling him that it was completely normal for Mikey to take a bit longer than usual to wake up and he should head home until he did.

Still, Gerard refused to leave his side. He didn't want Mikey to be alone whether he knew he was or not, and he also needed to speak with his brother as soon as he was coherent. This last stint was pushing things too far, and Gerard knew that Mikey needed help - he had to get clean if he was going to make it another year. This was too close of a call, and he refused to lose his brother to drugs, so he was going to do everything he could to persuade Mikey to get into rehab once he was released from the hospital.

And if that was Gerard's only worry, perhaps he would have been able to deal with things better, but no - it wasn't, because his life could never be that easy. Thoughts of Frank were always there as well, niggling at the back of his brain. As hard as Gerard tried to focus on Mikey only, his boyfriend was always on his mind.

Gerard had been ignoring him in a futile attempt to save the younger man from becoming entangled in this new, tragic facet of his life. He had given in and texted him the other day, letting him know that Mikey hadn't woken up and that he would tell him if he did, as well as pleading with him not to mention to anyone what had happened and why he was missing school if the subject came up. Once Frank's silence was assured, he had been pretending not to see his frequent texts, ignoring his phone calls, basically...he was being cowardly by taking the easy way out.

Gerard wasn't an idiot, he knew that pushing Frank away wasn't the right thing to do in this situation, but what other option did he have? Reality had hit him hard when Mikey overdosed, and he didn't know how to balance the situation he had gotten himself into. He was sitting in a hospital bed with his comatose, drug addict brother, debating over what to do about his illegal boyfriend, and god - if that wasn't the definition of fucked up than Gerard didn't know what was.

Gerard could deal with Mikey though, they could get through this together. Gerard was clean now after all, so he would help Mikey do the same, even if he had to send him somewhere to make sure that happened. Yet his issues with Frank weren't so easily fixed.

And really - Gerard was aware that nothing was truly wrong in his relationship with Frank. Things shouldn't have changed between them, if anything, Gerard should be showering him in thanks for saving Mikey, yet although he was undeniably grateful, something felt broken between them now. Perhaps it was nothing, maybe things would all fall into place the next time they saw each other, but the weight of all of this was becoming too much for Gerard to bear, and he wasn't sure how to balance his illegal relationship along with everything else.

Why couldn't Frank be just a few years older, or at least not his student? Even when Frank graduated, that fact would haunt him always, filling Gerard with guilt whenever he allowed himself to find happiness with Frank. It seemed so unfair to Gerard that he was always the one in the wrong when all he wanted was to be loved, or if not that, to have someone to help him through life, to be on his side...was that so much to ask?

Frank was supposed to be that person - he was that person, but yet Gerard wasn't sure if he could ever convince himself that he was allowed to be happy with what they had. Gerard was taking advantage of Frank and his love, he knew that. It wasn't fair to him to have to deal with any of this, none of this was. Gerard was supposed to be the adult, the responsible one, but yet here he was bringing even more trouble to Frank's life just like he always seemed to do.

Gerard was holding him back, he was stunting his opportunities, basically dragging him down into the pit Gerard had been trapped in for years. Even if Frank thought he was in love with him, none of this was okay. He shouldn't be with someone like Gerard, he should be free to explore, to love and lose and find someone worthy of him at the end of the day, and as sad as it was, Gerard knew he would never be that person.

He loved Frank more than he loved himself, but that wasn't enough to justify his selfish actions. In fact, he was tempted to call him now and break things off, it would be better that way most likely. It was only the vague acknowledgement that he was in the middle of a mental breakdown that kept Gerard from doing so. He was fragile right now, and making decisions in this state typically ended badly. Still - that didn't mean Gerard's realizations about his relationship weren't correct, just that he knew he should wait before he acted on them.

With a pathetic groan, Gerard buried his head in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyelids so hard that spots of colors danced across the curtain of black that was his current vision. He wished he wasn't alone right now, that maybe Mikey was awake, or Bert was here, he even wished for Frank or anyone that could save him from his tortured thoughts, but he had to accept that he had no one besides himself at the moment, and really, that's all he would ever have.

~~~

Frank was pretending he was fine, because he had to be, and he was...mostly. He and his mother were getting along better than they had in ages, he was doing decently in school, he had a friend in Jamia when for so long he had no one, but at the end of the day, he couldn't stop thinking about Gerard.

Gerard - his teacher - his boyfriend- his lover, his whole heart. Also the person he hadn't heard from in far too long, the man who was suffering more than anyone deserved, the one who Frank wished he could be with right now - consequences be damned.

Frank felt awful for being so upset over Gerard's lack of communication, but he couldn't deny that he was hurt by it. Gerard was ignoring him, which shouldn't be a surprise, but it still stung more than Frank had expected it to. It made sense though, Gerard had to focus on Mikey, of course he did. The fact that he hadn't woken up was worrisome, and Frank couldn't even imagine how he would feel if he were in Gerard's shoes, but still - he wasn't used to being cut out so suddenly either.

Frank was scared for Mikey's well-being, but if he was being honest with himself, he was even more terrified that he was going to lose Gerard because of this. He felt selfish even thinking this, but as worried as he was for Mikey, it was fear for his own station in Gerard's life that kept him up at night. He hadn't felt this way in so long, in fact, he thought he was finally secure in his and Gerard's relationship, but this tragedy proved that he wasn't in as nearly a stable position as he thought.

Frank just wanted to be there for Gerard, to hold his hand through all of this, to comfort him, but his previous rights were temporarily being revoked. Frank understood that Gerard was afraid of being open in a public place like the hospital, but at the same time, Frank didn't think it mattered at the end of the day. It wasn't like he was asking Gerard to announce their relationship to the entire hospital staff, he just wanted to be able to check in on him and Mikey, to be present as often as he could, but Gerard had denied him of that much.

Gerard didn't want him there, and that was fine. This wasn't about Frank at the end of the day. That didn't stop the twisting pain inside of his chest though, it didn't prevent the tears from coming at night, and after only twenty-four hours with no contact from Gerard, Frank felt lonelier than he had since his father had left him.

But in an ironic twist of fate, as Gerard became steadily more unavailable, his father seemed to be trying his best to return to Frank's life. He had texted him back not long after Frank had taken Mikey to the hospital actually. It had taken Frank some time to see it, and even longer to process it, but now he had the words all but memorized.

"Frank...son, I've missed you.

I hope you're doing well. I have no idea what to say, or even where to start.

I'd love to see you in person if I could, but if not that, maybe I could call you sometime.

I love you always, I never stopped."

Frank hadn't replied yet, not that he didn't want to, but he just didn't know what to say. If he had gotten this text two weeks ago, he would have instantly shown Gerard, then discussed his options with him before deciding on a course of action. Frank ached to tell someone now, but his mother was out of the question, and he refused to bother Gerard. He knew he could turn to Pete, but he'd been aloof lately as well, so he had kept the message to himself, mulling over his choices and trying to decide what he truly wanted from his father before he gave him an answer.

It had been so long without his dad that Frank was mostly convinced he no longer needed a father figure in his life, but he couldn't deny that he missed him as well, or at least the man he once knew. This person felt like a stranger to Frank, the man who had walked out on him and his mother wasn't the person who had raised him, or at least, he didn't seem like it to Frank.

But yet, if Frank looked at it from an outsiders perspective, his father had left for love, which Frank could understand. If he was faced between abandoning the people he knew for Gerard...Frank was almost positive that he would make the same choice as his father had. Being left behind stung, but now Frank knew his father had tried to stay in contact with him, it was just his mother that kept the two apart.

Still, that didn't erase the pain Frank had suffered through over the past two years, so he was leery to allow his father access to his heart again so soon. God - Frank wished he could talk to Gerard about this, but in lieu of pestering his boyfriend who already had enough on his plate at the moment, Frank ended up spilling his guts to Jamia instead.

"Hey...random question, but if you hadn't talked to your dad in two years then he randomly asked you to meet up with him, what would you do?" Frank spit out in between bites of his sandwich.

"Uh...I'd probably freak out since my dad is dead, but I'm assuming we aren't talking about me," Jamia responded casually, her eyebrows quirking upward in confusion as she processed Frank's question.

"Oh shit - I'm so sorry, I'm such a dick," Frank sputtered.

"Nah you're fine, you didn't know. He was in the military and his convoy got bombed, but it happened ages ago so it's all good," Jamia shrugged casually. "But sorry, we were talking about you."

"God that's terrible," Frank winced, but Jamia simply waved off his concern, "but uh yeah," he inhaled heavily, summoning up what was left of his courage before he lost the desire to speak of this at all. "Long story short, my dad walked out on my mom and I two years ago. My mom hates him, so she hid the fact that he'd been trying to reach me for ages, but I finally found out...and yeah, now I'm just at a bit of a loss for what to do."

"Wow...that's fucked up," Jamia whistled under his breath while she contemplated what Frank had revealed. "Do you want to talk to your dad again? I think that's the real question."

"That's the problem, I don't know. I thought I was fine without him in my life finally, but now I have a chance to cultivate that relationship. Still...I don't know if it'll be worth it in the end, not to mention my mom would flip out if she discovered I was talking to him."

"Don't worry about what she thinks," Jamia responded almost instantly. "We are talking about how you feel, and your mom doesn't factor into it. She has a completely different view of your dad then you do, and if you want to speak to him again, then fucking do it."

Frank felt a bubble of warmth expanding inside of him as Jamia's words sunk in. Even though they almost echoed both Gerard and Pete's previous advice regarding his father, it still felt validating to have someone that had only recently gotten to know him sticking up for him. Jamia was truly a godsend, and Frank was so thankful to her for putting up with him.

"Yeah...it's just - honestly, I guess I'm scared of being hurt again," Frank admitted softly.

"I get that," Jamia answered in a more compassionate tone, "and if you don't want to take the risk, then don't. But I just want you to know that it's your decision, not his, not your mom's - no one's but yours."

"You should be a therapist or something," Frank grinned when Jamia slung her arm around his neck affectionately.

"I try my best to share my superior knowledge with all," she joked, "but seriously, if you want to talk more, or maybe if you need someone there when you reconnect with your dad, I've got your back.

Frank's smile fell slightly at Jamia's words. As much as he appreciated her sentiment, he always assumed it would be Gerard supporting him when and if he reconnected with his father, but he had other things to worry about at the moment.

"I really appreciate that, thank you."

"Anytime," Jamia grinned widely. "So...prom is this weekend. You ready?"

"Shit that went by fast," Frank groaned, "but yeah I should be, I rented a tux, that's all I need to do right?"

"And get me a flower," Jamia teased, "but none of that traditional roses bullshit."

"Of course not," Frank smiled back, mentally adding that to his list of things that he needed to do which was getting longer by the minute.

And as Jamia rambled on about her plans for the dance, Frank did his best to let his fears and worries go. Allowing his wounds that had been caused by both Gerard and his father to fester was doing him no good, and at the end of the day, things would get better, they just had to. He would deal with his father when he was ready, and Gerard would return to him when Mikey awoke, then all would be well, or at least, Frank desperately hoped that it would.

Okay so it has been ages as usual and I know apologies mean nothing but I truly am sorry for the delay on this story.

But in other news, I did finally publish my first novel. It's called Three Halves of a Whole and it is under the name M.E. Aster. It is available on amazon as a paperback book and on kindle if any of you would be interested in it.

Since my last update I have also moved into my own house and gotten two cats named Ghost and Boo so yeah I'm pretty much living my best life and trying to figure out how to be a proper adult and all that. I am still writing though as always so don't give up on me just yet.

Votes and comments are much appreciated as always.

I love you all so very much xxxx

Chapter dedicated to asparagusurie

Flower through disarray

- starr