Gerard held his breath as he opened the door to Mikey's room. He had finally been granted permission to see him now that he was supposedly stabilized, and although this was all that he had been wanting for the past few hours, he now found himself inexplicably nervous. He refused to let his irrational emotions slow him down though. Visitor's hours would be ending soon, and Gerard had to see Mikey with his own eyes to be assured that he was in fact alright.

Gerard briefly wondered how Frank was holding up, and where he was now, but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. His mind was too full of fear for his brother to worry about anything else, even if niggling worries involving Frank hovered at the edges of his consciousness, but he couldn't grant them his attention just yet, not until he made certain that Mikey was going to be okay.

Gerard entered the quiet hospital room with a soft tread, trying not to disturb whoever resided behind the curtain adjacent to where Mikey lay silently, the only sound emitting from his side of the room was the steady beating of his heart monitor. It was an irritating sound, but a soothing one as well. It reassured Gerard that Mikey was alive, at least for the moment.

The doctor he had spoken to before being allowed in to visit Mikey had explained that he was in a medically induced coma, but he should wake up in a few hours. It had been difficult to follow his explanation of what exactly had occurred to Mikey due to his overdose, but he did understand that he had suffered no permanent damage and he should pull through just fine. The doctor had also highly recommended rehab so something like this wouldn't happen again, which was another hurdle that Gerard would have to face. One thing at a time though, that was all he could deal with at the moment.

"Hey Mikes," Gerard whispered when he sat down on the single plastic chair near his best bedside.

Gerard automatically reached for his phone so he could update Frank the fact that he had been able to see Mikey and also to apologize for his earlier behavior, but he had left it at home. He kept forgetting that fact, and he knew at some point he would need to retrieve it, but for now, he pushed the fact from his mind. He would get in contact with Frank later, for now, Mikey was his first priority.

His head was in complete turmoil, guilt and worry for his brother were choking him with their intensity, not to mention everything else that plagued his brain on a daily basis. Things had been going better for him, he had been perhaps happier than he could ever remember being, but of course, he should have known that was too good to be true. He didn't deserve the life he had been pretending to have, and this felt like his payback for ignoring his responsibilities as a sibling in favor of wasting his days away with Frank.

If Gerard had been paying more attention to Mikey, if he had made more time for him, perhaps he could have stopped this. A part of Gerard knew that he was taking on another burden that wasn't entirely his to bear, but he couldn't help but shoulder some of the blame. He knew Mikey had been spiraling, he remembered going through that exact same scenario himself, but he hadn't done anything to truly help him. He had talked to him sure - but he hadn't tried to stop him, he hadn't explained in all honesty how awful things had gotten for him at the end, or how his addictions had played such a large role in the ending of My Chemical Romance.

"So..." Gerard sighed solemnly, "this is all pretty fucked up yeah?"

Mikey didn't answer of course, he couldn't, but Gerard felt like he had to express himself vocally, otherwise he might explode. He knew Mikey wasn't hearing him, he didn't believe that rumor that people in comas were aware of the outside world, but he couldn't stop himself from speaking. He needed to get this off his chest, sort of like a trial run that he would hopefully be able to repeat once Mikey was properly awake.

"I hate that you've ended up here, it breaks my heart. You're alive though yeah? We have a chance to fight this, to help you kick this habit. I did it, but only when things got bad, although my situation was a bit different than yours."

Gerard laughed bitterly as he recalled the last time he had been high. His eyelids fell shut like a screen, replaying the scenes from his past so vividly it was almost as if he was reliving them all over again.

It was the end of Warped Tour, a cacophony of celebration mixed through with alcohol, drugs, and even a random spattering of fireworks that drew everyone's attention for a short time before they returned to their reveling. Gerard was secluded away on a bus with some of the members of Senses Fail, snorting lines with them as he usually did whenever the opportunity presented itself.

This time though, the high wasn't right, something was different. Maybe Gerard had drank too much beforehand, or perhaps the coke was bad, but whatever the case was, he didn't like the way he was feeling. Usually he flew, his feet barely touched the floor and everything felt possible. His cares and worries shed away from him like a second skin - he was invincible for those few hours, and that sensation was something he wanted to chase until the end of his days.

But this - this was wrong. His stomach hurt, his head was dizzy and fogged with confusion, his tongue lay heavy and thick in his mouth, denying him the ability to express his distress to those around him. In fact, when he looked for help, he realized he was now alone with Buddy, which had been his original intention. Gerard couldn't deny that he had been flirting with the singer for quite some time, but in his current state, he didn't want to be here anymore.

What happened next was fuzzy, or - well, Gerard refused to dwell on it really, it hurt too much to think about even now. Gerard couldn't say no, he tried, but he was helpless, and unfortunately, Buddy took his lack of protest as compliance.

He was high too, Gerard didn't blame him, but he was rough, he hurt him, and then he let the others come in as well. Gerard blacked out then, thank god for that, and he'd only awoken the next morning feeling filthy and used.

This was what always happened to Gerard, ever since Colton had broken him, everyone else in his life continued to widen the cracks. This was the last straw though, Gerard was irrevocable destroyed.

Warped Tour was over, MCR had no shows to look forward to since he hasn't bothered to set anything up until they returned home, he didn't even really want to play anymore. He was tired of this, of being high then getting fucked and pretending it didn't matter while he screamed his heart out on stage in the hopes that maybe someone in the crowd would understand his internal pain.

Gerard was done - shattered, ruined. He couldn't dare return to his bus, to face his brother or his bandmates in this state. He wanted to disappear, to fall off the face of the earth that had provided him with nothing but misery.

So that's exactly what he did - he left the field littered with tour buses and empty beer cans, taking only his bag with him which he retrieved silently, letting no one know of his plans, not that he really had any. All he knew was he was tired, and hurt, and he wanted to die. He had been aching for oblivion for so long, but he had buried it down, he had held on for Mikey, for the band, for whatever stupid reason he could come up with, but he couldn't pretend anymore.

He stopped only when his feet would carry him no further, his spine colliding with the bark of a withered tree that looked just as exhausted as Gerard felt inside. This seemed as good a place as any to end it, so Gerard took stock of what he had with him, trying to decide how he was going to kill himself.

He hadn't thought this through, but he had plenty of drugs with him, as well as some alcohol to wash it down, so that's exactly what he did. He used the time he had before he became completely incoherent to pen down a note apologizing to his brother for being so weak, his eyelids slipping closed as he tried to sign his name with a shaking hand.

But it hadn't worked - Gerard had woken up. He wasn't dead, and as the substances clogging his bloodstream began to fade away, he became afraid of what death would bring him. Maybe he wasn't ready after all, not really. He didn't want to go like this at least, in a desolate field where no one would think to find him. He was being idiotic, he had panicked and acted in desperation, so he decided to pretend that this had never happened.

Something had to change though, he couldn't go on like this. The band was killing him instead of saving him like he had hoped it would, and he knew in his heart that it had to end. As much as he loved being on stage, if he ever wanted to be happy, to have any chance of living a normal life, it had to end.

So Gerard returned back to the field that had once been filled with so much noise and laughter, noticing how only a few buses and cars now occupied the space. The symbolism was fitting, for that was how Gerard felt inside. This bustling existence would be his no longer, he would have none of this if he followed through with what he knew he had to do. He couldn't keep tempting fate, this wasn't the life for him, no matter how badly he wished it could be.

The band had taken his announcement hard of course. They were already furious with him for disappearing for twenty-four hours without a word, and it didn't help that Gerard refused to explain where he had been. How could he - how was he supposed to look his brother and friends in the eye and explain all of the horrendous things that had gone through his mind, that his body had suffered through, that he wanted to die?

So he didn't. He brushed them off, ignoring their anger which only intensified when he told them he was quitting the band. He encouraged them to keep going if they could find another singer, he even suggested that Ray try to do both guitar and lead vocals, he was certainly talented enough to manage it. Yet they refused, stating that the band had been his creation and it couldn't exist without him.

Gerard understood, although a part of him wished they wouldn't let him destroy their dream as well. They agreed to take a break, to try and work things out, which ended with life how it was now. They had all drifted away from each other, Gerard attempting to become a normal adult, Mikey and Matt spiraling deeper into their addiction, and Ray hovering at the fringes of everything.

This existence wasn't what Gerard had wanted either, not really, but it was okay - better now that he had Frank. Things had actually been going quite well until this moment, but no matter how amazing Frank was, he didn't negate Gerard's love for his brother, and it was partially because of him that Gerard had been neglecting Mikey so much.

That wasn't fair to pin it on his boyfriend though - this wasn't Frank's fault, and really, Mikey would have most likely done this at some point whether or not Gerard had been more present in his life. Frank had saved Mikey as well, he brought him here, so without him, Mikey could very well be dead.

"I just want you to be okay...I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted for the both of us," Gerard sighed heavily. He was unsure how much of his memories he had spoken aloud, but simply allowing his brain to relive them was a large step for him.

He liked to pretend that none of that had ever happened, he spurned any mentions of the band, he never bottomed anymore in fear of being reminded of that night with Buddy, he avoided any and all reminders of his greatest breakdown including cocaine, which was the only reason he had managed to quit cold turkey after that evening. He was holding himself together, if only barely.

"I'm sorry Mikey...so sorry," Gerard whimpered, a tear dripping down the bridge of his nose, the wet sensation registering faintly as he stared at his sleeping brother.

And as Gerard watched Mikey's chest rise and fall, he felt another crack forming in his foundation. No matter how hard he tried to repair the damage made by Colton, and Buddy, and his addictions, something else always came along to deliver another damaging blow.

Gerard wasn't strong enough to keep up with this for long. He had been rebuilding himself, but it had only taken one devastating event to shatter his psyche. He could recover, he knew that, but god - he was so fucking exhausted. He felt so pathetic admitting that, but it was the truth. Gerard realized that everyone had problems, that no one had a perfect life, but he didn't feel capable of maintaining his sanity for much longer.

He was trying - trying so fucking hard. He had been taking his medication, drinking less, everything the doctors he had once visited had suggested, but it only helped when things were going well. Already he felt the urge to hurt, to punish himself for this, for Mikey's mistake. He wasn't going to be able to resist if he went home, so he would stay here for as long as he could. Frank would be so upset when he found out, and he didn't want to disappoint him again.

That's the only reason why Gerard was still alive he realized, because of other's people judgment, or their feelings. He didn't want to hurt them, so he stayed for them, but was that going to be enough forever. He didn't care enough for himself, he would gladly ruin his body and mind until he had nothing left.

It was people like Mikey, like Bert, like Frank that held him together when he shattered, but one day, he would break into too many pieces to reassemble, he knew that. It wouldn't be this moment though, he had to keep it together for Mikey, so he would continue pushing onward for as long as he was able.

~~~

Frank was doing everything he could to pretend that he wasn't waiting for the phone to ring and failing spectacularly. He had finished all of his homework, even the assignments that were due next week, he had cleaned everything he could find in the house, and now he was preparing a lunch for his mother to take to work. Still, most of his attention was being drawn to his mobile device, awaiting either a call from Gerard, a text from his father, or maybe even a message from Jamia to distract him from the multitude of worries that were swirling around in his brain.

Frank had debated calling Gerard, but after none of his earlier attempts had been answered, he was mostly certain it would be a useless effort. Gerard had enough on his plate right now without worry about keeping Frank in the loop.

Frank kept repeating the old adage "no news is good news" and hoping for the best. He was sure that Gerard would let him know if Mikey had taken a turn for the worse, so really, everything was most likely fine.

"Frank honey, why are you still awake?" his mother's voice drifted into the kitchen, providing him with something else to focus on, although it wasn't the distraction he had been hoping for.

"Just cooking mom, sorry if I was being too loud," Frank answered.

He was still upset with his mother, he couldn't forgive her for her deception so easily, but he realized he couldn't ignore her forever either. This was still his home, for now at least, and as fucked up as his mother was, she needed him. His trust in her might be broken, but he still loved her, and he always would, no matter what she did.

Frank hadn't brought up his father or the letters when he had returned, and neither had his mother. He was unsure if she had forgotten about their previous confrontation, or if she had decided to sweep the entire incident under the rug, but either way was fine with Frank as long as she kept silent about it.

"No you're fine honey. I can't sleep anyway," she murmured quietly.

Frank watched her from the corner of his eye as she walked nearer to him. She appeared almost like a ghost in her white nightgown with her pale skin, her slow movements giving her gate a flowing motion that had a hypnotizing quality to it.

And for a second, Frank let himself see the woman before him and not the preconceived notion he had of his mother. Lately he was always on edge, waiting for her to snap, or to do something odd, but he was too tired for assumptions tonight. She seemed calm enough at the moment, so Frank let himself pretend that every day was like this, that he had a normal mother who he could share his burdens with instead of having her add to them constantly.

"Do you want me to make you some tea?" Frank offered, knowing that the warm liquid was a favorite of hers to consume before bed.

"That would be lovely dear, thank you."

Frank went about preparing the beverage, letting the water boil as he finished with the sandwich he had been putting together previously. He let his mind shut off as he finished the menial tasks, finding a sense of comfort in having control over this simple thing, even if it was only food.

"Here you go Mom." Frank placed the steaming cup of tea in front of her when it was ready.

"You know, I really don't know what I would do without you Frank," she sighed as she took a delicate sip of the hot liquid. "I don't say it enough, but I am aware how much you look after me, and I really do appreciate it."

"Oh...you don't have to thank me," Frank answered in a slightly delayed fashion, her praise catching him unaware since he so seldom heard any kind words falling from her lips.

For a brief moment, Frank felt guilt gnawing at his stomach when he thought of how he had contacted his father behind her back, but he refused to let it take root inside of him. He might be moving on from what his mother had done, but she was in the wrong for keeping his father from him, so he refused to feel bad for reaching out to him.

"But I do. I - I love you a lot okay, no matter what. You're my son, and you mean the world to me."

"I love you too Mom," Frank sniffled, his hand reaching out to grasp her upturned one in a gentle hold that conveyed more fondness than the tightest embrace.

His mother might forget this moment tomorrow, but for now, this was enough for Frank. He would cling to this memory when things got bad, it would help him remember the reason he stayed here, the reason he put up with all of his mother's shit. This was why, these rare moments of peace, and at the end of the day, Frank would always be here for his mother, whether his love was reciprocated at the time or not.

Hello lovelies.

Long time no see.

So if any of you are keeping up with my rant/update book you probably know I have been insanely busy trying to get my original novel published but today I couldn't deal with anymore editing so I knocked this out instead.

I know my sporadic updates are frustrating so I truly appreciate everyone who has stuck with this story. We are getting closer to the end and I will finish it no matter how long it takes.

Also is anyone reading this also writes on Wattpad and would like to do an interview for my book My Favorite Conversations or you have an author you'd like to nominate please let me know. I'm trying to resurrect that book so any suggestions for people to interview would be greatly appreciated.

Votes and comments are always lovely to see if you feel like leaving them.

I'm sending you all the love in the world xxx

Chapter dedicated to Arabelland

Flower through disarray

- starr