As soon as Gerard shut the door behind Frank's retreating figure, he broke - physically and mentally; his knees buckled underneath him, depositing his body onto the floor in a messy heap of limbs and ruination, the tears he had refused to shed in front of Frank spilling down his cheeks suddenly, his chest aching as he clutched at his hair weakly, pulling the dark strands sharply in an attempt to push his emotional agony to the background with a dose of physical pain.

Forcing Frank to leave had been the hardest thing Gerard had ever had to do in his life, in fact, he had almost lost his resolve numerous times during their short conversation, and it had taken all of the mental willpower he possessed to hold true to his earlier decision of giving them both some time to think about what they were getting themselves into, even though the only thing Gerard had wanted to do was to clutch tightly to Frank's small frame and never let him go.

But this separation was the best option for the both of them, even though it didn't feel that way, but no matter how much Gerard cared for Frank, he couldn't allow him to ruin his life by participating in an illegal relationship, even if he was willing to risk everything for a chance to be with Gerard.

And honestly - Gerard didn't understand why Frank was so invested in him, although yes - there was something there between them, a undeniable bond that Gerard had never experienced with another human being before, but he had never been sure if Frank felt it as well, or if he simply enjoyed the way Gerard gave him attention, the way he listened to him, the way he provided him with a shoulder to cry on, but if Frank could be believed, which Gerard still wasn't one-hundred percent certain about, than Gerard meant more to Frank than he could ever begin to fathom, and although that thought did release a soft spark of joy in Gerard's chest, it also hurt, because Frank shouldn't feel that way about him, it would only end in pain.

"Gee?" Mikey's voice broke through Gerard's self-imposed misery, his soft footsteps resounding alongside Gerard's choked sobs until his sock clad toes appeared at the edges of Gerard's blurred field of vision. "How are you holding up?" Mikey asked warily, causing Gerard to release a strangled laugh, because his slumped over position in front of the door spoke volumes for his mental state, not to mention the tear tracks staining his swollen face, but he knew that Mikey meant well, so he forced himself to answer, although the last thing he wanted to do was talk about his feelings.

"Not that well," Gerard chuckled dryly, his fingers trembling as he pressed them against his eyes in an effort to stop crying for long enough to reassure Mikey that he would be fine, even though Gerard wasn't anywhere close to that, but he didn't want to worry Mikey any more than he already was.

"I'm sorry - I probably shouldn't have let Frank in here, but he was a wreck, and I couldn't just leave him like that...you know?" Mikey murmured softly, as if the mention of Frank's name might shatter Gerard completely if it was uttered at a volume louder than a whisper, which might not actually be too far from the truth.

"No - it's okay, I needed to talk with him anyway...I just didn't know it would be so hard," Gerard choked out, shrinking in on himself in the process, because maybe if he made himself smaller, he could protect himself from the metaphorical arrows filled with sorrow that were continuously piercing his battered frame, or maybe not, but either way, he felt slightly better with his knees tucked against his chest and his forehead resting against them.

"What did you say to him?" Mikey prodded gently, and Gerard wasn't sure if Mikey was simply trying to get Gerard to release some of his emotional torment through words, or if he honestly didn't know, because Gerard wouldn't put it past Mikey to eavesdrop on his private conversations, he had done it numerous times before after all, but after a deep sigh, he decided to humor his young brother, he really had nothing better to do after all besides for lock himself in his room and cry until he became hysterical.

"Just that I needed time, and that he should move on and find someone else," Gerard responded wearily, his heart stuttering in his chest as he imagined Frank finding happiness in another man's arms, even though that was exactly what Frank needed to do, but that didn't mean Gerard didn't loathe the thought. "He didn't take it well...he was crying Mikes, I made him cry."

"Hell - you should have seen him when he first arrived." Mikey's face instantly fell when Gerard whimpered softly, the visual picture of Frank that popped up in the forefront of his mind torturing him along with the overwhelming guilt he was already trying to cope with, and it seemed that Mikey realized his mistake, although it was a few seconds too late. "Sorry - I'm not helping, but you can't blame yourself Gee, you did the right thing, at least...I think you did."

"What do you mean?" Gerard asked gruffly, because he wasn't in the mood to be chastised by his younger brother, but at the same time, he wanted to drag this discussion out as much as possible, because the longer he was occupied with Mikey, the softer the voices in his head became, the screaming faded into a faint murmur that was almost unnoticeable as long as Gerard didn't focus on them.

"Well - I probably shouldn't be saying this, but you and Frank...I don't know, there is something special about him," Mikey sighed heavily, his lanky body folding downward so he could seat himself next to Gerard. "Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to ignore his age, because I don't want you to end up in jail, but I also don't think that you should cut him out of your life entirely. You need Frank, and not only that, he needs you too, hell - I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he is falling in love with you."

"W-what?" Gerard sputtered out, his eyes widening as the weight of Mikey's words pinned him down until he could barely breathe. "No...he can't, we haven't even known each other that long, I - he doesn't love me Mikey, that's ridiculous."

"Calm down Gee, I am not saying he does for sure, he hasn't told me in so many words, but fuck - do you even see how he looks at you, how he never wants to leave your side, how he is more than willing to drop everything to make sure you are okay? That seems like a little more than just simple affection if you ask me," Mikey shrugged, and although Gerard knew Mikey had good intentions, his statement had the opposite effect, and before Gerard could stop himself, he was sobbing again, his spine pressing against the hard paneling behind him as if he could disappear into the wood, successfully removing himself from his fucked up situation, as well as the agony that came along with it.

"No...no...no," Gerard gasped in-between each of his cries, his mind glorifying in his distress, old memories surrounding that hated word dragging him back into the past that Gerard never wanted to remember, but now that the flashbacks had started, they wouldn't stop, and Gerard was helpless to do anything besides for suffer silently as his mind systemically destroyed him from the inside out.

Love - those four letters were a deadly poison dressed up in a shiny bottle with a fancy label, and like the idiot he was, Gerard had ingested the liquid unknowingly, the contents dragging him down into the rabbit hole, but instead of Wonderland waiting for him, it was chaos, madness, the worst dredges of hell that Gerard had already lived through once before, but time had twisted his recollections into something that was too horrendous to even be classified as a nightmare, and Gerard couldn't find the path out, not this time.

It brought back glimpses of Colton murmuring lies into his eager ears, of pain, and heartbreak, and despair, of fresh lines carved into his body caused because he didn't believe he was worthy of love, of his parents who didn't feel that emotion for him anymore, if they ever had, of Elena, who had been the only one to ever show him true acceptance, who was gone now, of the emptiness inside of him, the ache that would never fully dissipate, the self-loathing that Gerard pretended wasn't as deeply ingrained in him as it really was, of how Frank would only get dragged into this destructive mess if he truly did care for Gerard so deeply, which couldn't happen, no one could love Gerard, hell - he didn't even love himself.

Gerard wanted to find a way to rectify the broken circuit within his mind that made him this way - he truly did; he ached to have someone genuinely care for him, to desire to live with him, to marry him, to grow old with him, but he wasn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, he had tried, but it always ended in tears, and now this debacle with Frank had Gerard on the verge of giving up, which would probably be the best for everyone anyway.

Asking Frank to be his boyfriend was a moment of weakness - Gerard could see that now, he had clung to Frank because he brought a warmth to his life that had previously been absent, he made Gerard feel without any blades or pills involved, which was a rare enough occasion in itself, but not only that, Frank had seen no flaw in Gerard, even when he had grazed the surface of his numerous dirty secrets, he hadn't cared, and fuck - Gerard didn't want to lose that, but he didn't deserve Frank, and he refused to let this escalate any further than it already had.

He would break Frank's heart in the end, that was almost one-hundred percent guaranteed, and if that somehow didn't happen, Gerard would be left wounded instead, because Frank was young, and he had no idea what he was missing out on by settling for Gerard, but one day he would find out, and Gerard knew without a doubt that Frank would leave him eventually, no matter how many pretty promises fell from his lips stating otherwise.

Hell - Gerard should have been more firm with Frank, he should have made him realize that this could only destroy the two of them, he shouldn't have kissed him, but he had, and now Frank was most likely walking home with a bubble of misplaced hope in his chest that Gerard had placed there, that Gerard would have to crush eventually, which was a cruelty that Gerard had never intended to inflict on the innocent boy, but it was too late to take his actions back now, so he would have to live with the fact that was going to ruin Frank like he himself had been broken so long ago.

The whirlwind of thoughts that had suddenly assaulted Gerard pelted down on him all at once, each new realization stinging like a fresh bullet wound, and although Gerard had become an expert at cutting himself off from emotions that he didn't want to feel, this attack had caught him by surprise, and Gerard was left weak and defenseless, his limbs vibrating as he did his best to cower away from the metaphorical blows.

"Hey...Gee, fuck - what did I say?" Mikey questioned in a panicked tone of voice, his hands trying to grasp onto Gerard's which were currently digging into his eye sockets painful, turning his vision spotty and blurred behind his closed lids. "You gotta calm down, everything is okay, shit -" Mikey was cut off when Gerard began to tremble convulsively, his skull smacking against the wall behind him before Mikey dragged him into his lap, wrapping his arms around Gerard in a vice-like grip that prevented him from hurting himself any more than he already had.

"Can't b-breathe," Gerard stuttered out, his chest burning with the need for oxygen, but Gerard had lost control of his body, only Mikey's touch was doing something to ground him, and even that was barely enough.

"Yes you can Gee, you just have to try," Mikey murmured soothingly, his hand pressing down onto his sternum gently as if to encourage his useless lungs to function normally once more. "Can you count with me Gee?"

Gerard shook his head no in response, his throat closing up as an irrational wave of terror overtook him, the fear flowing through his veins clogging the blood that his body so desperately needed, leaving Gerard shaking violently and half convinced that he was dying here and now, even though the logical side of his mind knew that he was simply having a severe panic attack, but that didn't lessen the stark pangs of horror rolling over Gerard in never ending waves.

"No - okay then, you can feel my heartbeat right?" Mikey carefully moved Gerard's hand over the aforementioned organ, pressing Gerard's open palm against the left side of his chest until he bobbed his head slowly in acquiescence. "I want you to try and inhale when I do, and then exhale. Time it with my heartbeat, can you do that?"

"I - I'm scared," Gerard stammered, his tongue lying heavy and thick in his mouth as tried to avoid blacking out, because Gerard was afraid he would never wake up if that happened, and he wasn't ready to die, not yet anyway.

"Shh - don't be afraid Gee, it's all in your head okay? You are at home, and you're safe. I'm not going to let go of you," Mikey stated firmly, his positive words sinking into the miasma that surrounded Gerard's fucked up head, calming him just enough to process what Mikey was trying to get him to do, focusing on the steady thrumming pulsing through his skin instead of the mess inside of his head.

And in that moment, Gerard wanted nothing more than to tell Mikey how grateful he was for his presence, and how much this meant to him, because Mikey was one of the very few people that knew how to deal with him when he was afflicted with a panic attack, and if it wasn't for him, Gerard would be in a much darker place right now, hell - Gerard would surely be dead long ago if wasn't for his stubborn little brother.

But he couldn't push the simple sentence past the obstruction in his throat, and really - he didn't need to, because Mikey knew that Gerard was thankful for him, and that he cared, no matter how often they fought, because they were brothers, and although they had both failed each other in so many aspects, they still managed to keep each from breaking apart completely, and fuck - Gerard wanted to take back every harsh word he had ever spewed out at Mikey, but his apologies would have to wait until speaking became a feasible task again.

Gerard felt himself slowly coming back into a healthier state of mind, his ribcage gradually unclenching from around his lungs, his hand warming up under the heat of Mikey's skin, his vision clearing as oxygen returned to his body bit by bit, leaving Gerard relieved, and also exhausted, Mikey's hold around him being the only thing that was still keeping him upright.

"Better?" Mikey asked warily once Gerard's labored pants had faded away into soft gaps for air, his embrace around Gerard never faltering as Gerard's shudders ceased to wrack his aching muscles.

"Yeah - fuck...you don't have any coke do you?" Gerard asked when he could speak again, only truly half joking, because he needed something to take him away from the reality he was currently trapped within, and even though the contents of his medicine cabinet were always available to him, he didn't want to break his earlier promises to Frank not to hurt himself, and he couldn't guarantee that if he was left to his own devices.

"You are kidding right?" Mikey scoffed, his grip around Gerard tightening minutely before he let go completely, turning Gerard around so he could look him dead in the eye. "You finally kicked that shit Gee, don't tell me you are really considering falling back into it."

"I'm not...I don't know, I'm just - I need to shut up my head for a little while, and as much as I hated what the stuff made me do, it helped with that at least."

"Well I'm not giving you any, you need sleep, not drugs," Mikey stated firmly, lacing his arm under Gerard's shoulder before pulling him to his feet gently. "Let's get you in bed okay?"

"Fine," Gerard grumbled wearily, even though he doubted he would get much rest. He may have been physically drained from the large amount of crying his body had been put through today, but his mind was wide awake, the voices in his head just waiting for Mikey to leave before they pounced again.

"By the way, your phone has been going off for the last few minutes," Mikey informed Gerard as he helped him take a few slow steps forward, his gaze arrowing toward Gerard's messenger bag from which Gerard could now hear a soft buzzing emanating from.

"Oh shit - that is probably Bert, I promised I would text him when I got home, but it completely slipped my mind when I saw F-," Gerard cut himself off before he could finish voicing Frank's name, swallowing heavily instead to try and drown out the churning sensation in his stomach that had emerged at the utterance.

"Here." Mikey leaned down, retrieving the device before handing it to Gerard, earning him a grateful nod from his older brother, because if Gerard had attempted to execute that move, he most likely would have fallen on his face, his legs were barely supporting him right now as it was.

"Thanks," Gerard murmured as he typed out a quick message to Bert, explaining what had happened in as few words as possible, promising him more details once he had tried to get some shut eye, after which Mikey took hold of his arm once again, gently tugging him down the hallway until they were situated in Gerard's small room.

As soon as Mikey began to leave, Gerard's limbs resumed their shaking, and as much as Gerard was tempted to silence his irrational emotions through the self-destructive methods that were his habit, he couldn't let Frank down, not to mention Bert, but Gerard honestly wasn't certain if he was strong enough to resist the sibilant urges on his own. 

"Mikes..." Gerard spoke up once he had seated himself at the edge of his bed, knowing that he had to vocalize his request now before he lost his nerve entirely.

"Yeah?" Mikey turned around from his position in the doorway, a worried expression sharpening the angles in his face as he peered down at Gerard nervously.

"C-can you stay with me, just for a little bit...I don't want to be alone right now," Gerard admitted softly, his embarrassment at appearing so weak almost entirely drowned out under his intense desire for some form of company.

"Yeah Gee, anything you need," Mikey agreed instantly before crawling next to Gerard, smirking softly when Gerard curled up under the covers without bothering to strip out of his work clothes.

"You sure you want to sleep in that?"

"Too tired to change," Gerard mumbled, but he did unbutton his tight waist coat, deciding to also remove his belt as well after a few moments consideration, but that was a far as he got before he collapsed back down onto the mattress again.

"You are so weird," Mikey mumbled fondly, his long legs stretching out as Gerard burrowed even further under the sheets.

"Yeah I know," Gerard scoffed playfully, a soft smile tugging on his lips when Mikey's presence continued to keep the voices away, and at least for now, Gerard was safe, and maybe tomorrow, he would have the strength to face the remnants of his life that had been almost completely destroyed by the loss of Frank, but for right now, he was more than content to listen to Mikey's steady breathing until oblivion overtook him.

~~~

Frank stood on his front porch for far too long, trying to summon up the courage to walk inside, as well as the composure, because he was a mess right now, and it would be obvious to anyone that something terrible had happened to him - even his mother, and Frank knew he would break if she so much as asked him how he was doing, which was something that he was trying to avoid at all costs.

Frank didn't know how long he had spent sobbing on the stairs outside of Gerard's apartment building, but when a large amount of people began to enter and vacate their rooms, forcing them into Frank's path in the process, he had managed to rein in his unruly emotions, the expulsion actually succeeding in calming Frank down enough that he was able to make the short walk home without another breakdown.

Frank's heart still ached, but he was doing his best to pretend that it didn't, because if he was going to make it through this without going completely insane, he had to think positively, so he focused on the memory of Gerard's lips pressed against his, avoiding the darker side of his mind that seemed so intent on reminded him that it very well may have been the last time he would ever kiss Gerard.

And now that his house was looming before him, Frank couldn't allow Gerard to seep into his thoughts, because he was an entity that he kept separate from this life, hell - being with Gerard was akin to living on another planet entirely, a happier place, even with the newly induced pain that had come with Gerard discovering Frank's age, but still, Frank would chose his existence with Gerard over this sorry excuse of a home any day, but right now, he didn't really have any choice in the matter.

Finally, Frank turned his key in the lock, grunting slightly when it stuck halfway through just like always, which was something that Frank had been meaning to rectify for ages, but the mundane task never failed to slip from his mind whenever he actually had free time, and Frank knew for a fact that it wasn't going to get done tonight, hell - he would be lucky if he could make it through dinner without incident.

Frank's mother didn't immediately greet him when he walked inside, which wasn't unusual, even though he knew she was home, her car was in the driveway at least, and eventually, Frank found her curled up in the study they never used, gazing down at a book placed haphazardly in her lap.

"Hey mom, you hungry?" Frank asked quietly, mentally patting himself on the back for keeping his voice cool and composed, the torrent of emotions that had been raging inside of him all day had dialed back considerably after his impromptu breakdown outside of Gerard's apartment, but that didn't mean they weren't still there - they were just subdued, and Frank hoped they stayed that way for the rest of the evening.

"Hmm?" Frank's mother hummed noncommittally, her eyes darting up for a moment before drifting back down to the page they were on. "I guess I could eat," she shrugged, her oversized cardigan falling off her shoulder with the motion, and she made no attempt to pull it back into its proper position.

"Okay...I'll be in the kitchen," Frank sighed, dumping his school things in his room before heading back downstairs to rummage through the cabinets, trying to find something he could make with half a carton of milk, a few cans of beans, and an expired box of Mini Wheats, because of course, Frank had forgotten to stop by the grocery store after school today, and although he had a good reason for his distraction, it didn't make him any less hungry.

After a bit more searching, Frank managed to unearth some Easy Mac that was still in date, and even though it wasn't much, coupled with the beans, it would get him and his mother through the night, so Frank set about boiling water, his motions faltering slightly when his mother wandered into the room halfway through his preparations.

Frank took a moment to truly look at the woman in front of him, because even though Frank had been aware of her decreasing health for ages, she suddenly appeared so different from the loving mother he had known two years ago; her hair was thinner and drooping, her frame had shrunken significantly, mostly caused by the fact that she forgot to eat if Frank didn't set food down in front of her, but the physical changes weren't the worst, even though they were worrisome, but no - it was her eyes that caused Frank to sniffle softly, because they were dead, there was nothing left of his mother behind them, and fuck - Frank would give anything for time to move in reverse, bringing him back to the days when he could turn to his mother for anything, when she always knew just what to say, or to do to make Frank feel better.

And even though it was most likely stupid, and Frank was almost certainly going to regret his utterance as soon as he spoke, he found himself opening his mouth, desperate to see if his mother could play the part she was intended to for the few short minutes in which he needed her, because after today, he needed some sort of advice, or comfort, anything really, and he couldn't turn to Pete, he would only say 'I told you so', which left Frank at a loss for anyone who cared about him except for the woman standing before him.

"So...I met this girl," Frank spoke up as he stirred the noodles in the pan, keeping one eye on his mother to see how she would react, obviously twisting his story a bit to prevent his mother from throwing him out onto the street, which is exactly what she would do if she found out that this girl was a man, and not to mention his teacher at that.

"Oh...that's nice honey," his mother responded after about thirty seconds had passed, the dullness to her tone inspiring Frank to continue in the hopes of eliciting some sort of reaction out of her, even if it was one of anger.

"She seemed really into me at first, but now...I don't know, I am sort of torn up about it. She says she still cares about me, but we can't be together at the moment, and I really like her, but I don't know how to convince her to give me another chance."

"Is the food ready?" was his mother's response, her complete disinterest in Frank's life cutting his chest cavity wide open, renewing the pain that Gerard had inflicted upon him earlier tenfold, because he had no one now, not his boyfriend, not his mother, most definitely not his father, and fuck - Frank had thought he had himself under control, but with a few careless words, his mother had torn down his fragile defensives all over again.

Frank was barely able to scoop out his mother's portion before he was forced to sprint up to his room to hid his tears, nearly ripping the knob from the stove as he turned it off in his hurry, ignoring his own growling stomach in favor of seeking solitude in his sorrow, because his mother wouldn't understand why he was crying, hell - she probably wouldn't even comment on it, and Frank couldn't take any more rejection today, he just wasn't strong enough.

Frank was almost tempted to text Gerard, just to see if he would answer, but Frank knew that he mostly likely wouldn't and Frank wasn't a glutton for any more punishment, he was suffering enough right now, so he simply curled up at the edge of his mattress instead, sobbing softly to himself as his world fell to pieces around him, the shrapnel piercing his bruised skin until he was nothing except for a mess of metaphorical cuts and blood.

I was supposed to have this up yesterday, but I got distracted making a Ryden edit instead. I managed to knock it out tonight though, and better late than never right?

I'm not 100% sure where I am going with this story at the moment - I mean, I have an idea, but this is this part of the book that I didn't have preplanned, so be patient with me while I try to work out the middle of this.

Also, if any of you like reading Ryden fics, I started my first one not too long ago. It is just a short story, but I do have the first four chapters posted if you want to check it out. It is called The Golden Rule ^_^

So anyway...what did you think?

Votes and comments make me a very happy person btw ^_^

And I just wanted to say thank you so much for the 45k views, like wow - this is the most I have ever gotten on a story so earlier on, and it makes me really excited for where the stats will end up closer to the end. I am so grateful to each and every one of you who have read this book, it means so much to me.

Chapter dedicated to destroyaMoanss

((((loving vibes))))

<3 starr