Frank rolled his pencil back and forth on his desk, the irritating sound grating on his already shot nerves, but it was as if Frank was physically incapable of stopping the pointless, repetitive action, because it was a distraction, it was movement, it was something to do, and if Frank didn't keep himself occupied, everything would catch up to him; the weighty anxiety caused by Gerard's presence at the front of the class would drag him down into the bowels of the earth, suffocating Frank before he could claw his way out, his lungs would fill with dirt, rendering him helpless and unable to scream, until he finally gave in, losing himself completely before his last breath left his body.

The blank space at the bottom of Frank's worksheet mocked him every time the pencil passed over it, the white paper just waiting for Frank to add his final lyric to it, the other two had come easily to Frank, almost as if he knew this day would come, and he had been storing the words away for when he would have to explain himself to Gerard, but now Frank was stuck, all thought process halted, because this was his last chance, his last words, his last everything, and he only had fifteen more minutes left in class before Gerard would collect the paper that Frank had poured his heart and soul onto.

But Frank's grand gesture wouldn't accomplish its desired task if Frank didn't find the perfect words to sum everything up, because what he had so far was good, it was passable, but it wasn't enough - not even close, and yes - Frank was well aware that he was placing an unrealistic amount of hope on this stupid assignment, and it was possible that it wouldn't change anything, Gerard might not even read it, so Frank needed to hurry the fuck up and just pick something already, but he didn't want to force himself into a hasty decision that he would regret later on.

Because this was important, even if Gerard didn't see it that way, Frank did, and all of his crumbling dreams of a perfect relationship with Gerard were now tangled up in this pointless busy work that Gerard probably had no intention of grading, but that didn't matter right now, nothing did, besides for Frank finishing the assignment, because then he could talk to Gerard, he could show him how sorry he was, and then maybe this sensation of choking to death on his own emotions would vacate Frank's shaky body, letting him breath freely for the first time in almost an hour.

But Frank was quickly losing the motivation he had possessed earlier on, his fears rearing up again now that class was so close to ending; Frank's heart was beating loudly, so loudly that Frank was positive that everyone in the small room could hear it, even though no one had reacted to the thumping noise so far, in fact - no one was even looking at him, which was for the best, because Frank had begun to tremble again, his exhalations rasping as they escaped his rapidly closing throat, and Frank didn't want anyone drawing attention to his mostly silent panic attack he was currently experiencing. 

Frank focused his gaze back at his paper again, glancing over the now nearly memorized sentences that he had penned down frantically, an expression of distaste twisting his mouth as what had once seemed so genuine and heartfelt began to appear juvenile and pathetic with this most recent read through.

1. I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too. - Misfits

I'm so sorry Gerard, I am...I never meant for you to find out this way. I wish there was no reason for me to lie to you in the first place, but I need you - I swear, and this doesn't change anything. I am still the same Frank I was yesterday, and I hope this doesn't mean that your feelings for me have gone away, because I don't want to be alone...please?

2. I'm lucky to have met you, I don't care what you think, unless it is about me - Nirvana

I mean this Gerard, I really do, and I know I have never really told you in person, but you are so fucking important to me. It is as if the entire world falls away when I am with you, and it's just you and me - no one else exists, nothing bad can get to me when you are around, and I feel safe for the first time in forever. I want to make you feel that way too, and that is why I lied. I couldn't fuck up any chance I ever had with you before I found out if there was anything there...and there was, fuck - I hope you feel the same way.

Frank sighed heavily, fighting the urge to shred his hard work into a thousand tiny pieces, because this was a stupid idea, this was too personal, too open; Frank hated the way he had exposed himself on paper, his childlike prose ruining the intensity of what he was trying to say, even though he had rewritten his statement five times over by now, the remnants of his eraser shavings tinting the once white page a pale pink color.

Gerard would probably rip it up as soon as he read it anyway, if not out of spite, then to destroy any evidence of his dalliance with a student, if he even took the time to glance at it that is, and Frank's knew that his heart would tear with the fragile paper, the organ would shatter without Gerard there to hold it in his soft hands, leaving Frank a shell of what he once was, and there wasn't much of him left to shred in the first place.

Frank tried to calm himself by thinking of best case scenarios, which had never been his strong point, but he had to try something, so he imagined Gerard smiling at him as soon as the other students vacated the room, his long legs striding to Frank's side as his familiar arms embraced Frank, his soothing voice telling Frank that it was okay, that Gerard forgave him, and that nothing had changed, and nothing ever would.

That was ridiculous though, the scenario so laughable that Frank couldn't manage to convince himself that it was a possible outcome, because he knew Gerard was upset with him, maybe even furious; he could tell by the upright position he held himself in, his stiff shoulders, the way he completely ignored the portion of the classroom that contained Frank in it, even when the two boys to Frank's left began throwing spit balls back and forth, or maybe notes, Frank didn't know, and he didn't care, because now that he had worked up the courage to look at Gerard again, he couldn't look away.

Gerard never once glanced in his direction, his eyes remained glued to his desk, scanning over an assortment of papers that he appeared to be pretending to grade, which was bullshit, because this was the first day of school, and even if Gerard had other classes besides this one, Frank highly doubted that he had produced a different lesson plan for each period, so unless he was seriously marking the pointless assignment he had given them, then Gerard was just faking it.

Gerard's inhaled sharply before glancing up at the clock hanging above his head, his fingers shaking as he fumbled with his ballpoint pen, the loud hiss of air whistling past his teeth in an eerie manner, drawing no one's attention but Frank's of course.

The motion finally put Gerard's irises on display for one short moment, and fuck, they were watery - clouded with despair, and hurt, and betrayal, but then they were gone as soon as they had come, Gerard turning his back to the room so he could start wiping off his name and the class period information from the large chalkboard, his hand moving so slowly it would take him the entire ten minutes remaining in the day to finish his task.

Frank shifted in his seat, trying to dispel the spike of guilt that shot through his vertebrae when he saw Gerard's face, because fuck - he had caused that, he had wounded Gerard, and Frank never wanted that, he never intended for this to happen, but it had, and now Frank had to live with this cloying feeling inside of his chest, this ache that had formed the second he had walked into class to find Gerard staring back at him.

And fuck - it hurt, it hurt so much that Frank wondered if he was somehow dying, his one hand coming up to pinch the excess flesh between his thumb and pointer finger roughly, just so he could separate physical pain from the emotional agony he was in. His skin smarted where his two digits pressed against it, but it didn't feel real, as if he had somehow vacated his body, taking only his mind with him, and no corporeal sensations could reach him wherever he was now.

And in that moment, Frank almost hoped for a violent confrontation when he and Gerard could finally be alone, he wanted Gerard to hit him, to punch him in the face, to make him bleed externally as well as internally, because maybe that would lessen some of the torment that Frank was putting himself through, maybe that would make everything okay, and for one second, Frank understood why Gerard self-harmed, he empathized with him, even though he had never committed the act before, but right now, Frank would do anything to make this mess in his head go away, even going so far as to take a blade to his skin.

But no - Frank wouldn't do that, not really, because that wouldn't fix anything, it would only make everything worse actually, and Frank didn't truly want to hurt himself, he just wanted Gerard, he wanted to know that he and his boyfriend were okay, and that they could work through this, but to do that, Frank needed to finish this damn worksheet to show Gerard that he still need him, and that he knew how badly he had fucked up, but he was going to do his best to fix this, if Gerard let him that is.

But the words still wouldn't appear, no matter how hard Frank wracked his brain, causing him to release an almost silent groan of frustration. Frank needed the right lyrics, the right feelings, the right emotions; he couldn't turn in this assignment unfinished, he didn't know why, but the fact remained that it was an unthinkable option, still - as Frank mentally sorted through all of his favorite songs for the hundredth time, he quickly discarded every one, because nothing was good enough, nothing clicked, and Frank couldn't pen down a line that wasn't absolutely perfect.

But just when Frank had reached a dead end, he was suddenly hit with an old memory; he could almost see himself and Pete behind his shut eyelids, a younger version of the two of them, Pete messing around with a guitar he had borrowed from his cousin for the weekend as Frank fiddled with his empty hands awkwardly.

"So how is this going to work...we can't really form a band with two people," Frank sighed, his eyes rolling toward his friend who was busy pretending he knew what he was doing with the instrument in his lap.

"It can work - trust me, I mean, we will need to find a drummer eventually, but for now, I can play guitar, and you can sing."

"Fuck you Pete, I'm not singing," Frank pouted, his arms folding stubbornly in front of him as his best friend transformed his face into his trademark puppy dog pout.

"But Frank..."

"No - I'll write songs, but I'm not fucking singing them, I want to play the guitar," Frank stated defiantly, not letting Pete get a word in edgewise.

"You know what, we can figure this out later when we actually have some lyrics to work with," Pete huffed, setting the guitar down gently so he could fling himself onto his bed in a petulant fashion.

"Well...I think I already have some stuff we could use, it was supposed to be poetry, but they could work for songs too," Frank mumbled, pulling his battered notebook out of his backpack warily, not completely willing to expose this part of himself to anyone just yet, but he wanted this band to work, and Pete was the only person in the world he could ever considering trusting with this.

"Let me see." Pete sat up slightly, making grabby hands for the book like a small child, causing Frank to chuckle under his breath before handing it to his friend.

Pete was silent as he cracked the cover open, his eyes scanning over the pages where Frank had scribbled out whatever had come to mind, Frank's breath catching in his throat as he waited for Pete's reaction, because even though Frank knew his words weren't that good, he still wanted Pete to like them, because it was special to Frank, it came from a hidden place deep inside of him, and if Pete hated them, then that meant that a part of him hated Frank, even if he would never admit to that.

"Dude..." Pete drawled, his exclamation startling Frank out of the spiraling vortex composed of his thoughts. "This - wow...these are fucking incredible."

"Yeah?" Frank asked nervously, a shy smile making its way onto his face as Pete grinned back at him.

"Hell yeah."

Frank had almost forgotten about that occasion until just now, which was understandable; he and Pete had given up on their dream of forming a band maybe a month later, the difficulties of learning guitar and neither of them being totally willing to sing had cut the legs out from under their childish endeavor, and they had both quickly moved on to another hobby with no tears being shed.

But even though Frank couldn't really sing, he was still proud of his compositions, even though no one's eyes besides for Pete's had ever beheld them, but now someone else's would, because Frank was recalling a song he had actually managed to complete, and the lyrics finished the puzzle that was Frank's assignment, even though it was an entire piece, not a single line, but still, it escaped from the pencil in his hand onto the paper in front of him before Frank was even aware that he was writing it down, which meant that Gerard was going to view it, and even though the thought had Frank trembling with nerves again, he had to do this, and what better way to show Gerard how he felt then by using his own words in the explanation.

3. I hate the things I do
And all the shit I put you through
It's tragic, I'm static
I am the world's worst
I am my own worst enemy
And I hate me

Most days I can't believe I'm still here
Most days I'm surprised

You want a new life
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit
together
Not ever, no matter how hard I try
I never seem to get it right

I'm sick of having you depend on me
Cause I'll let you down like I always do
I am the world's worst
I am my own worst
It's crazy you stuck with me

Most days I can't believe you're still here
Most days I heard you cry

You want a new lie
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit together
Not ever, no matter how hard I try
I never seem to get it right

And through all the times we've had
I never saw what you saw in me
Through all the times we've tried
I could never be what you needed of me
But I wish I were

You want a new line
I wanna do what's right by you
But I can't seem to get my shit together
Not ever, no matter how hard I try
I never seem to get it right

I still remember how I made you feel
Once upon a time - Frank Iero

Frank completed penning out his name with a sigh of relief, the frantic scratching of his pencil finally going silent, Frank deciding to forgo an explanation in lieu of the excess of lyrics, because if Gerard didn't understand Frank's meaning, there was no other way he would be able to convey it to him.

Just then, the bell rang out harshly, the piercing sound starling Frank so much that he gasped aloud, earning a few snickers from his classmates, but Frank's odd reaction was quickly forgotten about when Gerard began to speak, his words quick and clipped since the students were already hedging toward the exit to the classroom.

"Okay guys, papers on my desk before you leave. If you didn't finish, you can take it home, but I expect it completed by next class. You will all receive a participation credit for this if you put some effort into it." Gerard's words were almost completely muffled by the sound of chairs scraping against tile, laughter and loud chatter filling the air as everyone quickly tossed their assignment onto Gerard's desk, barely waiting for his nod of approval before bolting outside without a backward glance, which meant no one noticed Frank still in his seat, his head bent over his work as he reread what he had come up with one last time.

It took Frank much longer than it should have for him to find the courage to lift his eyes from the blurred pencil lines, and by that time, he was almost expecting Gerard to have vacated the room as well, but no - he was still here, his back hunched over his chair, his head in his long fingered hands, the palms pressing against his eyes so hard that Frank was slightly worried that his sockets would break under the pressure.

"Gerard..." Frank whispered, his body slipping out of his seat so he could approach his boyfriend - his teacher, the paper he had worked so hard on clenched in one shaking fist.

Gerard flinched visibly at the utterance of his name, but he made no other sign that he had heard Frank, his posture never changing as Frank stopped in front of his desk, his eyes glancing toward the door which someone had been kind enough to close behind them, making sure that there were no witnesses present, because whatever was about to occur, Frank didn't want it broadcasted all over the entire school.

"I - I finished my assignment." Frank had to pause to swallow heavily, his tongue attempting to return moisture to his desert dry mouth. "Do you want to read it?" Frank asked, Gerard's continued silence unnerving him completely, all of the words Frank had been planning on saying escaping his head as if the place was on fire and they had to flee before they were burned to a crisp, the ones that stayed behind disappearing in a flash of flame and ashes, leaving Frank empty and scrambling in their wake. 

Gerard moved then, one hand gesturing weakly to the haphazard pile of papers littering the wooden surface in front of him, his face tactically turned away from Frank's still, causing hot bubbles of vexation to burst in Frank's chest, lending him the strength to press onward, even though he was clueless on how to capture Gerard's attention.

"Gerard...I just want to say that I -"

"No," Gerard snapped suddenly, his palms smacking against the desk as he pushed himself to his feet roughly, his hazel irises blazing with unrestrained rage when he finally looked in Frank's direction, his threatening stance causing Frank to cower in his place, fear inundating his bloodstream as word continued to spew from Gerard's lips. "Unless you are going to tell me that you failed out, and you are somehow actually nineteen, then I don't want to fucking hear it."

"I -" Frank opened his mouth, only to snap it shut when Gerard continued speaking, ignoring Frank entirely as he began to gesture wildly, the motions punctuating every other word.

"And don't even think about lying to me again - I can access your records now, and I will find out if you do," Gerard seethed, his anger emitting from him in a palpable wave that Frank swore was singeing his skin as it passed over him.

"I - I'm seventeen Gerard, that's the truth, and I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you before, but I -"

"Get out," Gerard cut Frank off again, his tone cold and impassive, which was somehow more terrifying than his earlier fury had been.

Frank's entire body froze at Gerard's utterance, because out of all the possible outcomes for this conversation, Gerard's blatant refusal to give Frank a chance to explain himself hadn't been something he factored into the equation; he had been prepared for tears, or hate filled words, even physical violence, but not this - never this.

"Wait - please, just let me explain..."

"Get the fuck out of my face," Gerard ordered, his voice breaking at the end of his statement, and even though Frank didn't want to obey, because he needed to stay and fix this, he couldn't leave before he made things right, Frank found his feet reacting to Gerard's harsh tone, his small frame exiting the room before Gerard could rip him apart any further, his stomach roiling violently as hot tears began to spill down his cheeks.

Frank thought he heard a soft sob coming from the room behind him, but as much as he yearned to turn around and throw himself into Gerard's arms, to cling to him fiercely until Gerard was forced to listen to him, Frank had already given in to his instincts to flee, his body was protecting him from any more pain by removing him from the situation before it could devolve any further, but the damage was already done, and Frank was surprised that he wasn't bleeding out from the crushed organ in his chest, he felt as if there should be a trail of crimson liquid gushing from his every orifice, leaving a gruesome trail behind him as his stumbled down the empty hallway.

Frank ducked into the first bathroom he spied, not even paying attention to the signs to make sure he hadn't accidentally entered the girl's room, but everyone had long ago disappeared from the school grounds, leaving Frank gloriously alone as he threw himself in front of the closest toilet, his chest heaving as he began gagging uncontrollably, the sudden urge to vomit rising up from seemingly nowhere, the overwhelming stress of the afternoon pushing Frank to the point of being seriously ill, the anxiety, and the stress, and the heartbreak destroying his cells faster than any true sickness ever could.

Frank whimpered to himself as the small amount of food he had eaten today escaped from his mouth, the bile burning his throat and causing even more tears to make tracks down his sweat soaked face, harsh coughs wracking his frame in-between each expulsion of his stomach contents until Frank was empty, nothing but soft gasps leaving his mouth as he rested his head on the grimy lid in front of him.

Frank wasn't sure how long he sat there, doing his best to gulp down as much oxygen as his body could handle, trying to mentally soothe his insides back into a calmer state, because he couldn't stay here wallowing in his own pity, he couldn't accept defeat this easily, even though Gerard had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to give Frank a chance to fight for them, but still - Frank had to try at least one more time.

Frank wailed pitifully as tried to stand up, but he couldn't do it, his limbs were weak and shaky, and despite the part of him that ached to return to the classroom and beg Gerard to listen to him, the other half of Frank couldn't face his boyfriend - ex-boyfriend right now, not in this weakened state, and Gerard had most likely left by this time anyway; he had no reason to stick around, especially since he had made it abundantly clear that he was washing his hands of Frank entirely.

"Oh god," Frank groaned to himself, his hands coming up to clutch at his midsection as another hot spike of pain twisted inside his belly, but he had nothing left to throw up, no way to relieve the burning cramps that were slowly ripping Frank to shreds.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Frank whispered to the empty room, wishing that there was some way Gerard could hear him, needing his comforting arms around him right now, his scent erasing the stench of vomit and sweat from the muggy air, his hands running gently through Frank's hair as he gagged once again, spitting weakly into the bowl when nothing came out.

Frank had never felt this way before, not even when his father left; that had been a muted pain, something he had compressed and compartmentalized, the hurt only seeping through on the rare occasions in which Frank let his defenses fall, but this - this was akin to total obliteration, Gerard's rejection was a bomb placed directly in front of Frank's face, the explosion blowing him backward with nothing to catch him, the shrapnel piercing every inch of his skin, the burns flaring up each time he moved, and fuck - Frank was lost now, without Gerard, he had nothing, not even the strength to get up off the disgusting tile floor he was currently sprawled upon, all he could do was cry, broken sobs wracking his aching body as he mourned the loss of the best thing in his entire life.

I know I took ages with this chapter, but it was an important one, and I didn't want to fuck it up, so I ended up rewriting this a shit ton of times before I finished this, and I'm still not sure I'm 100% happy with how this turned out, but this is as good as it's going to get.

So yeah - let me know what you think, and I am sorry for the emotional pain *hands out cookies*

Also, I started one of those 30 Day Smut Challenge books, so it would be super cool if you could go check it out. I really like the one-shots I have written so far, and I should be updating that later tonight as well.

Btw - thanks for the 30k reads and 2k votes, the stats on this story make me super fucking happy, and it means the world to me that you guys are enjoying this so much.

Chapter dedicated to DemolitionLovers101

((((updating vibes))))

<3 starr