Frank found himself in his own room on Sunday night, which had become an oddity as of late, seeing how he spent almost every evening with Gerard now, and even though Frank had managed just fine for the majority of his life being alone, he already missed Gerard's comforting presence beside him, he missed the sheets that smelled like him, he missed everything about Gerard, and he had just seen him yesterday, which made Frank feel slightly pathetic, but he was absolutely smitten, and he had given up trying to control his irrational desire to be around Gerard every second of every day by this point.

And really - Frank felt slightly guilty about the amount of time he had been whittling away with his newly acquired boyfriend; he had been neglecting his mother lately, he had been ignoring Pete, hell - he had even been leaving work early whenever possible so he could gain a few more hours with Gerard, but despite all that, it was worth it, because Frank was finally happy for the first time in two years, and even though he was being slightly irresponsible, he reasoned with himself that he deserved it after everything he had been subjugated to.

And although Frank had been expecting some negative consequences to come about because of this, they hadn't - not yet at least; Frank's mother seemed to be on an upswing, she hadn't experienced any odd fits lately, at least not that Frank had witnessed, and even though she had been slightly distant, and she tended to ignore Frank whenever he made an appearance at home, she had been going to work every day, and Frank actually walked in on her cooking herself some food this evening, which was a miracle in itself.

Frank was usually the one to do any sort of housework, including making meals for the both of them, but maybe Frank's absence was forcing his mother to pull herself out of whatever world she had wrapped around herself, maybe the person that she used to be was slowly remerging, and maybe she would start to be able to function on her own again if she was given enough time.

But Frank was a pessimist at heart, and no matter how perfect everything seemed right now, he was well aware that nothing lasted forever - especially good things. Frank had no idea how true that statement would prove to be in the future, and he was clueless to how drastically his life would change because of Gerard, but he did know that he had school in the morning, which was enough to put a damper on his thoughts for the time being.

And notwithstanding the fact that Frank was dreading school, and he had no friends - or even acquaintances to look forward to being reunited with, it wasn't the act of returning to the establishment that had Frank worrying his lower lip in-between his teeth - it was the wasted time, the lost moments that he could be spent doing something better, something with Gerard, because Frank knew that he would have much less freedom now that he had to add school to the stack of responsibilities he was already juggling haphazardly.

It also reminded Frank of his age, and of his lie, and of how much deception actually hung in-between his and Gerard's relationship, clogging the air with its intensity, and even though Frank was doing his best to live day by day, he couldn't completely obscure the nagging fear that he would suffocate on the condensed fumes emitting from both of their evasions, because Frank wasn't the only one with secrets, and Frank had a feeling that Gerard's were just as intense as his own, maybe not as morally wrong, but still dangerously important.

These thoughts were brought on by Pete unfortunately; Frank had actually invited him over earlier in an attempt to bridge the gap that had been growing between them because of Frank's distant attitude, even though his mother had taken a disliking to his best friend recently, Pete's overuse of eyeliner and punk style causing her to become wary of him, but she allowed his presence in their house because of his long standing bond with Frank.

Pete had brought up Gerard again of course, and at first, Frank had been more than willing to gush about the details of how Gerard had asked him to be his boyfriend, beaming from ear to ear the entire time, but instead of being ecstatic for Frank like he had expected, Pete had reacted suspiciously, grilling Frank on why he thought Gerard had taken this step with him so quickly, not to mention questioning if Frank was truly ready to be in a committed relationship with a much older man he still knew very little about.

Frank was aware that Pete was just fulfilling the role of protective best friend that he had maintained for the last few years, and that his and Gerard's relationship was unconventional, but Frank didn't want to hear logic and reason right now, he just wanted someone to be fucking happy for him, because sure - he might not know anything about Gerard's past, or where they would be in three months' time, but it didn't really matter to Frank, not when he had a boyfriend who actually cared about him, who treasured him and wanted to be with him, and Frank didn't understand why Pete couldn't see how good Gerard was for Frank.

Frank rolled over in bed with an irritated sigh, trying to bury all thoughts of Pete and the doubts he had instilled in Frank's head under a layer of blankets, but no matter how hard Frank tried, his mind wouldn't fucking shut down, which was very irritating to say the least; Frank did have school in the morning, and he would rather not be exhausted on his first day back.

This lack of tiredness wasn't surprising though, because Frank had never been good at falling asleep before two in the morning, and that time has been pushed back ever since he had begun spending so many of his nights with Gerard. They usually stayed up until they could no longer keep their eyes open, choosing to spend the hours they shared doing something much more productive than resting, which ranged from fucking, to watching movies, to simply walking around Belleville, conversing about anything and everything, except for the deeper topics that Frank was so desperate to uncover.

Frank ached to learn more about Gerard in his younger years, especially about his time in My Chemical Romance, because Frank may have found the two albums they had produced before their break up, and he may have watched a few of their live shows on the rare nights he actually found himself with some free time at home, and everything he had seen about the band intrigued him immensely.

Gerard could sing - like really sing; his voice wasn't vocally perfectly, but it projected emotion in a way that Frank had never seen any other artist be able to convey before, and Frank was instantly captivated by not only Gerard's voice, but also his lyrics, the carefully constructed wording of each song resonating somewhere deep inside of Frank in a way that he hadn't known music was able to do.

Frank yearned to ask Gerard about his time as a frontman, but he also feared it, because he had seen the way Gerard reacted when Mikey so much as mentioned the band, and Frank couldn't bear it if Gerard grew angry with him over his curiosity, so he kept his questions firmly buried, choosing to keep the peace instead of indulging his inquisitive nature.

The sudden harsh ringing of a phone snapped Frank back to reality, the unpleasant interruption erasing all traces of sleep that had just been starting to drag his eyelids down, and even more poignant than the irritation Frank felt at being jolted awake just when he had been so close to the slumber that had been eluding him all night was the confusion centering around the random phone call.

Nobody called Frank, besides for his mother that is, who was asleep across the hall; Pete and Gerard used texting as their main form of communication, and Frank didn't have anyone else in his life who would be attempting to reach out to him, especially at this time of night, which explained why Frank never switched his phone on silent, even when he was trying to sleep.

And in spite of the voice of common sense that was telling Frank to ignore his persistent phone in favor of trying to drift back off before the last dredges of drowsiness disappeared, his natural inquisitiveness wouldn't let him relax until he had at least peeked at the number, so Frank blindly reached for the chirping device, finally making contact with it after a few failed attempts.

But by the time Frank pulled the phone up to his ear, the call had already been sent to voicemail, and Frank saw that it was indeed an unknown caller, probably someone who had confused a few digits in the sequence of whoever's number they had truly been attempting to reach, but just when Frank was about to plug the device back into the charger, it sprung into life once more, the harsh ringtone hurting Frank's ears at this close proximity.

"Hello?" Frank picked up the phone with a disgruntled sigh, intending to tell whoever was on the other line to stop fucking calling him so he could get some sleep; it was already past midnight now, and Frank was only going to obtain about five hours of shut eye at most, and that was if his body allowed him to slip away the very second this stranger was dealt with.

"Frank - oh thank god, I was so worried you weren't going to pick up."

"Mikey...is that you?" Frank asked warily, only just barely able to recognize the voice on the other end of the line, but he was still a bit unsure about his assumption, because Frank had never heard Mikey so frantic before, and the fact that his usually stoic friend was in such a state had Frank wide awake and bolting upward in bed so quickly that he experienced a minor case of vertigo.

"Yeah, it's me...I need your help Frank, can you come over? I know it's late, but it's Gerard, he -"

"Oh god - is he okay, what happened?" Frank cut Mikey off before he could finish his sentence, worry for Gerard burning his throat as he forced his words out as quickly as humanly possible.

"I - I don't know, I just got home not too long ago, and he was a mess, I don't know what's wrong, or what he took, but he's locked himself in his room...he won't respond to me anymore, and I'm scared he is hurting himself...or something," Mikey wailed, his pained cry shooting straight into Frank's heart, the arrow of sorrow piercing the rapidly beating organ with a dull thump.

"Okay - just hang on, I'll be there as soon as I can," Frank promised, not even waiting to hear Mikey's response before he had ended the call, throwing on the closest pair of clothing he could find before grabbing his house keys and literally sprinting out of the front door, his heart thumping so rapidly that Frank was slightly concerned that the exertion of his run coupled with his state of panic might send him into cardiac arrest, even though he was a bit too young to be plagued with heart problems just yet.

As Frank sped toward Gerard's apartment, the only thought in his mind was placing one foot in front of the other; he refused to think about what his mother's reaction would be if she noticed his absence, or his lack of sleep, or how he had school in the morning, because none of that mattered if Gerard needed him. Gerard was the most important thing in Frank's life right now, and he was more than willing to drop everything for his sake, no matter the consequence he would have to face the next day.

~~~

Frank was breathless and sweaty by the time he arrived outside of Gerard's apartment, and he was truly regretting the fact that he hadn't thought to take his mother's car instead of jogging all the way here, but if for some reason he wasn't back by the time she had to be at work, he would have been in serious trouble, so it was probably better that he had chosen his own legs instead of the vehicle, but still, his protesting muscles didn't agree with his logic.

Frank knocked on the door sharply, doing his best to catch his breath before he had to face whatever was wrong with Gerard, and honestly - Frank was terrified about what he might be walking into, because he had never seen Gerard break down, he hadn't even seen him cry before, and Frank was clueless as to what he was supposed to do to fix this.

In their relationship so far, it had always been Gerard who comforted Frank, Gerard who knew just what to say when Frank was falling apart, so this would be the first time their roles had been reversed, and Frank was afraid that he wasn't up for this, that he would fail Gerard when he needed him most, but Frank had to try, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he abandoned Gerard just because of his insecurities.

Frank had promised Gerard that he would be there for him, especially if he ever felt the urge to self-harm again, and he meant it, but Gerard hadn't reached out to him for help, it had been Mikey who had called him, and what if Gerard didn't want Frank to try and stop him from whatever he was doing, what if he was upset with Frank for witnessing a side of himself that Frank hadn't been invited to see, but it was too late for Frank to leave now, and he wouldn't be able to relax until he saw Gerard with his own eyes.

Gerard had opened up to Frank an extraordinary amount recently, and they had shed one layer of secrecy when Gerard had finally shown Frank his scars, but this was different; it wasn't an old wound that Gerard was nervous that Frank would judge him for, this was fresh, this was happening now, and if even the thought of Gerard harming himself made Frank stomach's churn uncomfortably, he had no idea what his reaction would be if he walked in on Gerard performing the act live and in person.

But maybe that wasn't what Gerard was doing, maybe Mikey had simply overreacted; Gerard had told Frank that he was two months clean, and he seemed ashamed of his old coping methods, so it was very possible that he was just upset and hurting without actually causing himself any physical harm, and maybe all he would need would be a shoulder to cry on instead of a person to bandage him up, and fuck - Frank really hoped that was the case.

A disheveled Mikey yanked open the door just then, shocking Frank slightly with the sudden motion, but he was even more surprised at how awful Mikey looked, because even though Frank had seen Mikey high, and drunk, and even after he had just woken up, he had never witnessed him looking quite so ragged. His hair was sticking up everywhere, as if he had been constantly tugging at it in frustration, his eyes were bloodshot and exhausted, and his entire posture projected a defeated air that had Frank even more terrified than he had been a moment ago.

"Thank fuck you are here," Mikey exhaled, one of his thin hands beckoning Frank inside urgently as he spoke, his gaze constantly glancing behind him as he impatiently waited for Frank to enter the messy apartment.

"Where is Gerard?" Frank cut right to the chase, his eyes following Mikey's down the small hallway to where Gerard's room was located.

"Same place as earlier, but he's been quiet for the past few minutes...he was sobbing his heart out not too long ago, but now - nothing," Mikey scrubbed his hands over his cheeks roughly, as if the motion could clear away the worry that seemed permanently engraved onto his thin face. "I'm so sorry for dragging you into this Frank, but I just need to make sure he is okay," Mikey sighed heavily, his head drooping on his neck in a tired manner that spoke volumes about his internal weariness.

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you called...I just hope Gerard feels the same way. What - uh...do you know what happened to upset him so much?" Frank pried, trying to gain some prior knowledge so he could approach Gerard with at least a semblance of understanding.

"Not really....he was on the couch when I got home, crying softly to himself and looking like absolute shit, but when I tried to ask him what was wrong, he snapped. He overturned the coffee table, started tearing his hair out and wailing about how 'they didn't work', he kept repeating that phrase over and over again before he finally locked himself in his room. I think he might have taken some pills, because he usually isn't this irrational, even when he is drunk, but - uh..."

"What?" Frank snapped a bit harsher than he had intended to, but Mikey's reluctance to speak was grating on his nerves, and Frank already felt a strong force pulling him in the direction of Gerard's room that was getting harder to ignore by the second.

"It's just - fuck...I don't want you to think any differently of Gerard, but he has some mental instabilities, and you should probably be aware of that before you try and talk to him."

"What do you mean?" Frank asked warily, a part of him hypothetically bouncing on the balls of his feet at the prospect of learning more about his mysterious boyfriend, but the other side of him that loved the illusion of the perfect man he made Gerard out to be in his head was cringing at whatever he was going to hear next.

"Well - he has clinical depression, but he rarely takes his medicine for it anymore, says it makes him feel like shit, and he is a very emotional person...one day he will be the happiest guy in the world, and the next second something like this will happen. Just be careful Frank - he can get very angry and aggressive, and I don't want you to get hurt," Mikey explained wearily, his hands twisting together as he did his best to convey Gerard's mental state to the confused Frank.

"He won't hurt me," Frank stated flatly, and Frank truly believed that, no matter what condition Gerard may currently be in.

Deep down, Frank knew he should be slightly afraid of Gerard, especially given the fact that his own brother was warning him to be exceptionally cautious, but he couldn't find any fear within his heart - well, not fear of Gerard at least. Frank was afraid of failing, afraid of not being able to pull Gerard out of whatever mess was going on inside his head, but he wouldn't allow himself to become leery of the man who had done nothing but be kind to Frank, and Frank firmly believed that nothing would change that.

"I hope so, but Frank - I know I called you over, but if you can't calm him down...if he starts panicking, just get out okay? I don't want anything to happen to you, and I know Gerard doesn't either, he's just not himself right now."

"I'll be fine," Frank assured Mikey, proving his point by allowing his feet to pull him toward the closed door that Gerard was currently ensconced behind.

"Just call if you need me, I'll be in my room - Gerard won't be happy if he finds out I'm listening in on your conversation." Frank waved his hand to show that Mikey that he had heard him, waiting to speak to Gerard until the soft click which signaled that Mikey had closed his bedroom door had faded away.

"Gerard...it's Frank - are you in there?" Frank called out in a low tone of voice, pressing his ear against the wooden barrier that separated the two of them in the hopes of catching any response that Gerard might utter, or even the sounding of breathing so he would know that Gerard was okay at the very least.

Silence prevailed for a few moments, only the sound of Frank's lungs dragging in oxygen breaking up the quiet, but just when Frank was about to speak again, another voice reached his ear, and if he hadn't been flush with the door, he might have missed it completely.

"Frank?" Gerard croaked weakly, and he didn't seem angry or hostile, at least not from his tone; if anything, he sounded confused and weak, as if speaking had taken the last ounce of strength he had possessed.

"Yeah - it's me, can you let me in?" Frank pressed, his hand coming up to rest against the door without any conscious thought; it wasn't like Gerard could see Frank through the grain, but it grounded Frank a bit, almost as if he touching Gerard instead of a piece of wood.

"No," Gerard finally answered after an extended pause, the word ringing out louder than before, but still quiet enough that Frank had to strain his ears to pick up on the hushed sound.

"Please Gerard," Frank pleaded softly, his overtaxed body finally given out on him, his knees shaking so much that Frank found himself sinking to the carpeted floor slowly, his back pressed against the physical wall keeping him from Gerard, but in a way, it was also metaphorical, because Gerard had built up so many defensives around himself to keep everyone out, including Frank, and Frank wasn't sure where to begin chiseling away so he could discover a route in.

"I -" a soft sob cut off Gerard's sentence, but it was quickly muffled, and Gerard continued not long after that, "I don't want you to see me this way."

"Okay...that's fine, but can you at least talk to me for a bit?" Frank shoved down his urge to demand Gerard to let him in, because he knew it wouldn't convince Gerard to open the door, if anything, it could have a much more detrimental effect. Gerard didn't appear to be upset with Frank's presence just yet, but if Frank pushed him, he was well aware that Gerard could snap at any moment, turning him into the dangerous person that Mikey had warned Frank about.

"Just go home Frank," Gerard sighed, but Frank didn't miss the soft shuffling behind the door, and if he wasn't mistaken, Gerard had crossed the room, and the increased volume of his voice led Frank to believe that Gerard was now leaning on the exact wall that Frank was huddled up against.

"I'm not going anywhere, I said I was going to be there for you, so I am, even if it has to be like this."

Frank's words were met with a strangled cry, and he could physically picture Gerard covering his mouth as he tried to contain the sorrowful sounds that were clawing their way out of his throat, the image causing a physical spike of pain to erupt inside Frank's chest with its intensity, and fuck - all Frank wanted to do was wrap Gerard in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but Gerard had to allow him in first.

"Are you still there?" Gerard finally asked after an indeterminate amount of time had passed, during which Frank had listened to Gerard stifled sniffles and whimpers, trying his best to hold back his own tears that burned at his eyes as if they were made of acid instead of salt water, and even though Frank had been through plenty of shit in his short life, sitting there silently while Gerard suffered was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do, and fuck - it hurt more than Frank had ever imagined it would.

"Yeah, and I'm not going anywhere - okay?" Frank choked out, wiping away the layer of liquid that had formed in-between his closed eyelids.

"Why?" Gerard's quizzical voice rang out once more, the tone slightly stronger than it had been before, and Frank visibly perked up when he realized that Gerard was standing very near to the locked door that was preventing him access to the one place he wanted to be most.

"Because I care, and I don't want you to be alone right now, so I'm going to stay here until you fall asleep or you let me in." Frank shrugged slightly, even though Gerard obviously couldn't see the gesture from his current vantage point.

"I thought you had work in the morning," Gerard brought up the lie Frank had fed to his boyfriend to explain why he couldn't come over tonight in the first place, not wanting to tell Gerard that classes had started up again, even though he could have fabricated a story about being at college instead of high school, but knowing Gerard, he would ask a plethora of questions that Frank wouldn't be able to answer, so he had opted for the safer fabrication instead.

"I do, but I don't give a shit...you come first Gerard - always." Frank's hopes began to flutter slightly as he sat up straighter against the scratchy wallpaper, because this was the longest conversation they had managed to maintain all night, which could only be a good sign - right?

But Frank's positive thoughts quickly began to deflate when Gerard didn't answer, causing Frank to frantically wrack his brain for something else to say that would convince Gerard to continue speaking, but he was coming up blank. Gerard was fragile right now, almost like a temperamental child that refused to listen to their parent's reasoning, and Frank had to tread delicately to avoid eliciting a negative response, because if that happened, all hopes of Gerard letting him in would be lost.

But just when Frank was convinced that Gerard had completely shut down once more, both mentally and physically, it was only a few seconds later when the sound Frank had been dying to hear resounded much louder throughout the short hallway than it should have, because it was only a small click, a turning of metal that most people wouldn't have payed any mind to if they hadn't been so desperately awaiting its arrival, but Frank did, because that was the sound of Gerard unlocking his door.

Frank's first instinct was to grab the brass handle and immediately rush inside to comfort Gerard, but he forced himself to stay where he was, determined to make sure that this was what Gerard actually wanted, because this could all be some sort of test - that seemed like something Gerard would do, and Frank had to pass this trial if he wanted to help Gerard.

"Can I come in?" Frank asked softly, his voice shaking as he waited for the answer to his simple question, but it wasn't really simple, not at all - in fact, the response Frank received meant everything to him.

"Yes."

Frank never knew one word could bring such an intense rush of relief, but honestly - he didn't know he could feel half of the emotions that Gerard had been the cause of lately, so Frank pushed through the overwhelming sensation, slowly hefting himself to his feet as he approached the door that had been his main nemesis all evening on trembling limbs.

Frank wasn't sure what he was expecting to find when he entered the small room, maybe a disaster zone, with furniture tossed haphazardly here and there, or maybe even blood from whatever Gerard may or may not have done to himself, so he was surprised to find the place almost exactly how it had appeared the last time he was there - slightly disheveled of course, but unchanged, and that fact calmed Frank immensely, because this room had been a place of safety for Frank over the past few weeks, and he was glad to discover that it's appearance hadn't been altered at all.

Frank didn't immediately spot Gerard, it was only when he turned to his left that he glimpsed the dark haired man curdled up on the ground, just like Frank had been earlier, his arms wrapped around his knees as he shifted back and forth slowly, his eyes fixated on the slightly off color carpet instead of at Frank.

Frank thought he had been prepared for this, he had steeled himself to be met with a very different person than the typical Gerard he knew, but fuck - Gerard looked horrible; his hair tousled and greasy, his clothing stained and rumpled, his usually sparkling eyes dull and dead, and that was what scared Frank the most, because Gerard always seemed so alive, and this shell of a person barely resembled the vibrant man that Frank had become so accustomed to.

Frank made sure to close the door firmly behind him, not wanting to make Gerard feel any more exposed than he already was, and it was only then that Frank took the few short steps to Gerard's side, sinking down next to him gingerly as Gerard continued to ignore his existence.

"Thank you," Frank whispered, his hand coming up to push Gerard's lanky hair back from his face with a gentle touch, revealing Gerard's red eyes and tear stained cheeks to Frank's probing gaze.

Gerard simply shook his head from side to side, obviously too busy trying to contain his sorrow to have any energy left to waste on speaking, but Frank didn't want that, Frank wanted Gerard to let go, to break down, because now Frank was here, and he could help Gerard piece himself back together after whatever this was had passed.

"Come here," Frank offered, his hands moving from Gerard's scalp to his shoulders, a soft tug showing Gerard that it was okay to lean on Frank, but Gerard took it a step further, his body collapsing limply into Frank's lap as one of the cries he had been holding back broke free from his tightly pressed lips in the form of a quiet wail. "It's okay Gerard...I'm here, I've got you," Frank whispered, his arms coming up to wrap around Gerard's shuddering frame as he began to cry, his body flinching with each tear as if the act was causing him serious agony.

Frank took advantage of Gerard's current position to run his hands lightly over Gerard's exposed wrists, making sure that no new markings had been added to the pale skin, but Frank's search came up empty - thank fuck for that, and even though Frank couldn't see Gerard's legs, the light colored sweat pants covering him didn't bear any obvious blood stains, and Frank was mostly convinced that Gerard hadn't taken a blade to himself tonight.

"I hate this Frank...make it stop, they were supposed to work, but they didn't, they were supposed to fucking work," Gerard choked out, his sentence emerging in a garbled fashion thanks to the heaving breaths and soft whimpers that interspersed every other word.

"What didn't work...?" Frank asked delicately, terrified that even the smallest question would send Gerard over the edge, because so far, Frank hadn't pressed Gerard on anything, he hadn't even tried to discover what was causing Gerard's misery in the first place for fear of Gerard becoming angry with him, but this query couldn't remain unanswered; Frank had to know if Gerard had taken something - or done something that would be detrimental to his health.

"The pills...I - I don't like taking them, but I needed them, and they - I'm still fucked up Frank, but I'm trying so hard not to do anything stupid, but..." Gerard trailed off into another round of sobs, burying his face against Frank's t-shirt, his hands clutching tightly to the rapidly dampening fabric as Frank tried his best not to instantly panic, but he had good reason to.

Gerard was obviously in no condition to explain himself any further than he already had, so it was up to Frank to decide what to next. Frank had spied what seemed to be a prescription of anti-depressants pills in Gerard's medicine cabinet the other morning when he was using his bathroom, but he wasn't alarmed by their presence, even though he hadn't been one hundred percent certain if they had been Gerard's or his brother's, but Mikey's explanation had cleared up that question for him.

Frank knew numerous people who took similar substances, his own mother had been put on them after his father had fucked off with his lover to who the hell knows where, but depending on how many Gerard had consumed, he could be in serious danger of an overdose, especially if he had combined the pills with alcohol.

"Gerard...can you look at me - I need to know how many you took, does your stomach hurt?" Frank pleaded, his hands fluttering helplessly by his side as he attempted to calm Gerard enough for him to speak clearly.

"I - I don't remember, not too many...but I already threw up earlier just to be safe," Gerard whimpered quietly.

"Okay - fuck...please tell me if you start to feel sick," Frank exhaled heavily, arguing with himself over if he should trust Gerard's judgement of his condition, or if he should play it safe and call an ambulance despite Gerard's reassurances.

But after a quick internal debate, Frank's phone stayed in his pocket, even though it was extremely stupid of him, and if he truly cared about Gerard, he would have put his health first, but Frank knew that in doing so, he would lose Gerard's trust, and the ramifications of that had Frank discarding any notions of seeking medical attention at the moment, because he couldn't betray Gerard in that way - he just couldn't, and he knew Gerard would see it as such, no matter how good Frank's intentions were.

"I will," Gerard promised, peeling himself up from Frank's lap delicately as he spoke, his red rimmed eyes unclouded and filled with honesty, which settled the twisting sensation in Frank's stomach a small fraction.

"Do you want to lie down in bed instead of on the floor," Frank offered, taking advantage of the lull in Gerard's internal pain to heave him up to a standing position, leading him over to the other side of the room when Gerard nodded slowly in agreement.

Frank helped Gerard get comfortable, pulling back the array of blankets strewn across the mattress and tucking them around his boyfriend once he was underneath them before tossing off his shoes and climbing in with him, his arms instantly wrapping around Gerard in a protective gesture that Gerard melted into appreciatively.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Frank ventured to ask when it appeared that Gerard had calmed down considerably; his breathing was no longer ragged, and his tears were absent for the time being, hoping that he hadn't made a mistake by prying into the root of the problem too soon.

"I - it's hard to explain," Gerard exhaled heavily, his eyes widening slightly as if he pleading for Frank to understand his turmoil without forcing him to voice the words, but Frank wasn't a mind reader, and he needed to discover what had happened, even though a part of him was tempted to spare Gerard from regurgitating the details of whatever had put him in such a state to shield him from experiencing any more pain.

"Is it something I can help you with, is there anything I can do to make it better?" Frank changed his line of interrogation, because in the end, it didn't really matter what the catalyst had been, not as long as Frank found a solution to it.

"No...it's just - fuck, it doesn't even make sense, and you are going to think I'm pathetic, but it's just life, and my head...everything is changing, and I hate it. It's too much, but yet not enough, and I can't -" Gerard cut himself off with an angry shake of his head, his tears renewing themselves once more, cascading down his raw cheeks in heavy torrents as Gerard did his best to wipe them away.

Frank shushed Gerard gently, shifting their bodies back and forth slowly in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, and even though Frank was well aware that there was obviously much more to the story of whatever had upset Gerard to such a large degree, he didn't pry any further, because Gerard was hurting, and that was all the knowledge Frank needed to ascertain, now he just had to find a way to ease his pain.

"Oh Gerard, please don't cry," Frank whispered, lowering his head down with the intention of placing a soft kiss on Gerard's forehead, but Gerard caught him off guard by surging forward suddenly, capturing his lips in a fierce kiss that had Frank falling back against the mattress with the force of it.

This kiss was different to the others they had shared, because once again, Gerard had switched positions with Frank, because it was always Frank that pushed himself on Gerard with a sense of desperation, with tears brimming behind his closed eyes lids, with limbs shaking with need and release, but not this time - now it was Gerard who was kissing Frank like he would die without him, and it was Frank who let him, Frank who tasted the bitterness and despair that Gerard was trying so hard to hide.

Frank kissed Gerard back for a few moments, their tongues dancing together as Gerard deepened the pressure on Frank's mouth with each passing second, but when Gerard's hand snaked it's way downward, palming Frank's crotch roughly, casing him to emit a soft moan, Frank did something that he never thought possible; he gently grabbed Gerard's wrists before he could begin working on the buckle of his belt, bringing them back up to his mouth gently and pressing his lips against the protruding knuckles, effectively halting Gerard's attempts at disrobing him.

"Do...do you not want me?" Gerard choked out, his eyes watering as he gazed at Frank with a confused expression laced with pain, and Frank felt so fucking guilty for rejecting Gerard, but he had already made enough stupid decisions tonight, and for once, he was going to do what's was right instead of what was easiest.

"That's not it Gerard - believe me, I always want you, but I don't think you want this, not right now," Frank choked out, trying to ignore the way Gerard's hot breath was hitting his sensitive neck as he panted above Frank.

"But...but I do," Gerard protested, the puzzlement in his expression overtaking the hurt it had been warring with for the past few seconds.

"Gerard - I know what you are doing, because I do it all the time, so trust me when I say that this isn't a good idea. You are trying to bury you feelings with sex, and yes - it can work, but not unless you give up control completely, and I can't let you do that," Frank tried to reason with Gerard, hoping he would understand what he meant and why this would end up hurting him more than helping in the end.

Because as much as Frank wanted to allow Gerard to use his body to forget about his problems for a short while, Gerard was always so composed during sex, so self-assured, and even though Gerard may have convinced himself that he wanted to let all of that go in a desperate bid to alleviate whatever was plaguing him - Frank knew Gerard, and he knew this wasn't like him, no matter how different he may be acting in this moment.

And not only that, but Frank didn't trust himself with being put in a position which held such power, even though he would never do anything to hurt Gerard on purpose, and he wasn't necessarily talking about topping Gerard, because you didn't have to bottom to give yourself to another person, although that was what Frank usually chose to do, but there were other ways to wound someone besides for physically, especially when they lost themselves in you completely when they were in such a fragile state, and Frank wasn't sure if he would be able to guide Gerard back if that happened.

Frank was always the weak one, the one who looked to others to take him away, to use him and push him until he forgot what had upset him so much in the first place, and Frank knew from experience that it could end badly if you placed yourself in the hands of someone who didn't care, or was inexperienced, and even though Frank cared about Gerard - he cared so fucking much, he wasn't ready to do this, and neither was Gerard, no matter what Gerard might think, because right now, Frank was the responsible adult, not Gerard, and it was up to Frank to prevent Gerard from doing something he would regret in the morning.

"I just want it to stop Frank...I hate this, my head - it won't fucking shut up," Gerard whimpered softly, his body collapsing limply onto the bed as he spoke, all the early vitality draining out of him just as quickly as it had come.

"What do you want me to do Gerard?" Frank asked, tracing a line over Gerard's forehead with the tip of his index finger as if that could draw out the troubling thoughts that refused to let Gerard have any peace.

"Stay with me, talk to me, keep touching me..." Gerard sighed, leaning into Frank's hand eagerly as Frank's digit moved lower, following the sharp curve of Gerard's cheekbone which was still slightly damp with tears.

"I will - I promise." Frank punctuated his words with a kiss, his lips imitating the path his finger had made over Gerard's skin until he reached his mouth, keeping his movements light and gentle, making sure his actions stayed sweet and innocent instead of the feverish embrace which he and Gerard had taken part in only moments earlier.

"Thank you." Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank as soon he pulled away, bringing Frank as close to his body as possible without actually dragging Frank on top of him.

"It's going to be okay Gerard, I'm here, just close your eyes...everything will be better in the morning," Frank murmured, stroking Gerard's hair gently as Gerard lids fluttered shut reluctantly.

Frank continued to ramble about whatever came into his head until Gerard's breathing evened out and his head lolled against Frank's shoulder, his tense muscles relaxing under Frank's wandering fingers, but his arms didn't loosen their hold around Frank's torso, so instead of sneaking out like he had originally planned on doing, Frank simply settled down against the pillows, trying to make himself as comfortable as possible so he could get a few hours of sleep before he would have to hurry back home to avoid arriving after his mother was awake.

Frank's eyes popped back open when he heard a soft knock at the door to Gerard's room, holding a finger to his lips when Mikey poked his head inside, a smile crossing his face when he took in the sight of his sleeping brother.

"He's okay?" Mikey asked softly, keeping his voice as low as possible so he wouldn't wake Gerard.

"Yeah...I think so." Frank nodded in response, his eyes flicking down towards Gerard's slumbering figure just to make sure that nothing had changed with Gerard's condition in the last thirty seconds.

"I don't know how you did it Frank, but thank you...I hate to think about what would have happened if you didn't show up when you did."

"Thank you for calling me, I'm glad I was able to help," Frank responded sincerely, because as much as it had hurt him to witness Gerard in so much pain, Frank felt as if this entire experience had brought them even closer together, and to Frank at least, it had felt so fucking good to finally repay Gerard for all the times he had pulled Frank back from the edge of despair, whether it was intentional or not on Gerard's part, and now Frank believed that he was on more even footing with Gerard, even though Frank was convinced that he would never quite reach his level.

"Of course." Mikey grinned again, the expression erasing some of his earlier weariness with its intensity. "I'll leave you guys be now," Mikey waved his hand awkwardly, backing out of the room as quickly as he had come.

As soon as Mikey was out of sight, Frank snuggled back down again, making sure not to disturb Gerard with his movements, which was slightly difficult since Gerard was basically using him as a human pillow, but Frank managed it, his own eyes drifting shut almost as soon as his head hit the mattress, because this entire night had been both mentally and physically exhausting, and the sleep that had been eluding Frank all evening had finally found him, dragging him under as the sound of Gerard's even breathing played in the background like a lullaby.

Oh thank fuck, I managed to knock out this update before my vacation ended, which I really wanted to do.

So the chapters for this fic are getting really fucking long, this one was almost 8k words, and that is double the size of my usual chapters. They will probably start getting shorter again soon, but I am just wondering if the length of these bothers anyone? I know it is a lot to read all at once, and I try to cut them down when I find a good stopping point, but some feedback would be nice.

Btw, I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone was confused, but when I talk about MCR in this fic, it is not based on real events. They are much less famous in this book, so no one is going to recognize Gerard or anything, and as I get into more details about it, don't expect them to be accurate at all.

So yeah - school starts in the next chapter, so stick around for that *rubs hands together evilly*

Chapter dedicated to LillianJaques

((((loving vibes))))

<3 starr