Gerard found himself walking down the street at just a little after noon, which was a rare occurrence for the borderline recluse, because even though he did leave the house at some point, that was usually only for cigarettes and booze, and half of the time, Gerard managed to convince Mikey to procure those item for him, so it wasn't every day that Gerard willingly emerged from his apartment without a very good reason.

Gerard did have some motivation for his impromptu journey though, which came in the form of Bert, who seemed determined to make sure that Gerard experienced the outside world at least once a month, and after Gerard had turned him down on his invitation for drinks the other week, Gerard knew it was only a matter of time before Bert attempted to see Gerard again, so he had been expecting the phone call he received this morning asking him to meet up.

And even though Gerard usually avoided things like this, because he hated going out, not to mention walking, he was pleasantly surprised with how much he was enjoying himself at the moment, and he did feel guilty for putting Bert off for so long, and he really had no excuse or reason to cancel on him today, not with Frank busy with something until later in the evening.

It helped that the weather was perfect; one of those days where the sky was overcast, but not quite gloomy, and the sun peeked through the clouds every now and then, providing just enough light to illuminate the dingy streets, but also the perfect amount of shadows to make them appear much more beautiful than they actually were, casting a sense of ethereal wonder to the small city that enraptured Gerard completely.

The cracked pavement beneath Gerard's feet guided his steps as his head craned around, taking in the sights that rarely graced his eyes, because even though Gerard had moved back here almost two months ago, he had never bothered to explore the area around his apartment, knowing where the closest bar and corner store was good enough for him, and if he ventured anywhere else, he typically drove, but for some reason, walking had seemed much more appealing today.

Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had done this, walked just for the pleasure of it, with no reason to hurry or panic, taking in the ordinary sights that had somehow become extraordinary, and Gerard made a mental note to himself to indulge in this more often, because it was as if his forward motion was stripping all of his demons away, the heavy aura that usually clouded his thoughts getting tangled in his steps before sloughing off of him like an unwanted skin, and maybe if Gerard kept walking for long enough, everything would be okay again, or maybe not, but it didn't hurt to try.

This area was different to where Gerard had grown up, but similar all at the same time; the same seedy alleys threaded in-between houses in all states from rundown to brand new, more apartment buildings than his old neighborhood had possessed, more shops, but less people, as if everyone had somewhere to be, and they couldn't waste their time ambling down the streets, or maybe Gerard had just gotten lucky, and he had picked the rare hour in which this neighborhood saw some form of peace.

Gerard almost didn't want this walk to end, because he was truly enjoying this solitude, not only from his surroundings, but from his mind, because for once, it had shut up for a short time, and he was more than content gazing at the dry trees and stubborn weeds, without any memories assaulting him, because this place was new, and he held no association to any of this. It was pure, and untouched, at least to Gerard, and even though he had moved back home to face his past, he wasn't prepared for that just yet, which is why he had chosen an area far removed from his childhood haunts.

Gerard couldn't explain to himself why he had returned to Jersey after everything fell apart, because it wasn't a happy place for him, or at least, it hadn't been, but in the end, Gerard didn't know where else to go, and at least Bert was here, and Ray had decided to move back as well, and Gerard wasn't brave enough to make a completely new start in another city, another state, not yet anyway.

Gerard hadn't informed his parents of his homecoming, not that he spoke to them on a daily basis - or ever, but it felt strange being in such close proximity to them; a twenty minute drive would have him outside of their front door, but Gerard would never make that journey - why would he? He had burned down that bridge a long time ago, or his parents had, but either way, it didn't matter, because he hadn't come back home for them, that was for certain.

Gerard had reached the coffee shop Bert had suggested they meet at by this point, so he brushed away all thoughts of the past for now; he could see Bert already seated at a small booth through the clean glass windows - he was always early to everything, especially anything to do with Gerard, as if he was afraid that Gerard would leave if he wasn't there first, which had happened once or twice in the past, so it wasn't as if Bert's habit had no reasoning behind it, but Gerard didn't have any plans of slipping out today.

Sometimes Gerard wondered why Bert continued to put up with him, because Gerard was well aware that he was a shitty friend, and he didn't make it easy for Bert to stick by him, or anyone really, but he and Bert had history, they had the horrors of high school bonding them together, and theirs was the one friendship that hadn't died out after Gerard had graduated, and even if Gerard didn't show it, he was secretly grateful for Bert's continued persistence to be a part of his life, because without him, he would have no one but Mikey.

Bert spotted Gerard as he pushed open the heavy door leading into the air condition shop, and with a wave and a gesture, Bert beckoned him over, pointing to the two cups gracing the faded oak table in front of him, and Gerard couldn't help but smile when he realized that Bert had already ordered for him, saving him the trouble of doing it himself.

"Hey," Gerard greeted his longtime friend as he plopped into the booth gratefully, brushing his hair out of his face as he did so.

"I wasn't sure if you were going to show," Bert chuckled, his blue grey eyes crinkling at the corners as he grinned.

"I would have texted you if I wasn't," Gerard shrugged, pulling his styrofoam cup of coffee closer to his side of the table, inhaling the wisps of steam rising from it gratefully.

"I know, but you were late, and after last time..." Bert trailed off, taking a sip of his own beverage instead of finishing his sentence.

"Late?" Gerard glanced to the rounded clock hanging on the wall, seeing that it was in fact almost forty-five minutes past the time of their agreed meet up. "Oh - I'm sorry, I decided to walk, and I got distracted, but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

"It's okay," Bert assured his friend, and Gerard shrugged off the slight feeling of guilt that had settled onto his shoulders, because he had tried to be on time, and Bert didn't seem to care, but Gerard still felt bad. "So...how are you holding up, I got worried when I didn't hear from you for a while, and I know it's been two years now since Elena's death..."

"I -I'm okay, I'm coping at least, I don't know..." Gerard mumbled weakly. "How are you?" Gerard asked, trying to turn the subject away from his grandmother's death before the sorrow that constantly lurked at the back of his mind evolved into something he couldn't handle.

Bert instantly launched into a tirade about his job, sensing Gerard's unease and doing his best to dissipate it with small talk; he worked as a computer programmer for some company that Gerard couldn't recall the name of, and even though Bert really did love what he did, he worked with a bunch of idiots, and Bert seemed to spend half of the time fixing their mistakes instead of doing any of his own work, and Gerard had no idea how he hadn't quit yet.

"What about you, your job starts in about a week right?" Bert questioned once he had wrapped up his story about how his coworker had deleted half of the files off the main computer, and Bert had spent two days recovering all of them.

"It does..." Gerard sighed, his expression growing gloomy as he realized that his days of freedom were almost at an end, but he needed to make money somehow; the funds from the band days wouldn't last forever, and with Mikey stubbornly refusing to find employment, Gerard had to step up sometime.

"Hey - don't look so sad, I think this will be good for you. It's not the same as...well - you know," Bert tactically avoided saying the band, because he knew Gerard wouldn't take kindly to that, "but you will be still be involved in music in a way, just teaching it instead of making it, and I am sure you will love it."

"Oh yeah, trying to get a bunch of high school kids to give a shit about music theory is a dream come true," Gerard scoffed, shuddering slightly as he imagined himself attempting to control a classroom of unruly adolescents, but that was about to become his reality very soon, so he needed to get used to the idea.

"Well...at least it is a private school - those kids seem to care more sometimes, and it's an elective too, so they wouldn't have signed up for it if they weren't at least slightly interested in music." Bert's reasoning did make sense, but it didn't make Gerard feel any better. He wasn't ready for this, not in the slightest, and even though he had his teaching degree, he didn't have any classroom experience, so he was clueless about what to expect.

"Maybe...I hope so, but in the end, it's just a job, and even if I hate it, I should be okay." Gerard was trying to stay positive today after all, and he really didn't want to talk about his job any longer, and Bert seemed to catch onto that, he was an expert at reading Gerard's moods, and he always knew just when to change the subject.

"So...anything else new in your life?" The sly way Bert asked the question had Gerard fighting down a sudden blush, because his mind instantly jumped to Frank of course; Frank was the best thing in his life right now, and he realized that he hadn't yet informed Bert about his newfound relationship - if it could even be called that yet, but Gerard liked to think of it that way.

"Well...there is a guy," Gerard chuckled, gazing down into his coffee cup instead of at his friend, hoping to hide his red cheeks and dreamy eyes.

"Oh my god - really, tell me everything," Bert exclaimed, sounding like the epitome of a teenage girl squealing over her best friend's crush, all the scene needed was some obnoxious hand waving and their coffee cups to be from Starbucks, but Gerard hadn't been with anyone in ages, not properly, and Bert was constantly trying to set him up, with terrible results, so his enthusiasm was understandable.

"Yeah, his name's Frank, and he's amazing, I don't even know how to explain him. He's just...perfect, and I really like him."

"I need more details then that Gee," Bert rolled his eyes, leaving Gerard to wrack his brain for some interesting facts about Frank, and he was forced to come to the conclusion that he didn't know hardly anything concrete about Frank, not that it mattered, but Gerard was left at a loss for what to say.

"Well...he's nineteen, and he works at a restaurant - we met because of Mikey actually, he dragged him home when he found him high off his ass at a bar one night - he's sweet like that, and we just clicked, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I want to be around him all of the time."

"Nineteen...that's pretty young Gee," Bert stated in a worried tone of voice, not that Gerard was surprised; he knew their age gap was large, but he didn't really give a shit, because he liked Frank, and Frank liked him, so why should anything else matter.

"It's legal, and he seems older than he is; he's been through a lot, I don't know what, but it's made him grow up really fast, and he's just different, he's special...I don't know how else to explain it."

"How long have you been seeing him?" Bert asked, trying to hold back the chuckle that was currently rising in his throat as he watched Gerard's face take on a love struck cast when he talked about Frank.

"Two weeks now, at least, I think so; time has been weird for me lately, but he's been over almost every day, so it seems like longer in my head sometimes," Gerard tried to explain, because it really did feel as if he had known Frank for ages, even though he knew most people would consider them barely more than acquaintances - well...acquaintances that fucked a hell of a lot. 

"So is this just a casual thing, or are you two getting serious already?" Bert continued to pry, and for once, he had managed to find a topic that Gerard didn't mind talking about, because he could gush about Frank for hours and never get bored, even though this particular query had Gerard racking his brain for an answer.

"I - I don't know yet, but I want it to be something, and I think he does too - fuck Bert - you should see the way he looks at me sometimes when he thinks I'm not paying attention; it's like...I'm the most fascinating thing he has ever seen, or something like that, and he literally hangs on to my every word, even when I'm just rambling about nothing, and it is sort of weird that someone finds me so interesting, but I like it, and I like him...it's hard to explain, but I don't think he's just fucking around with me."

"Are you sure though, like - have you asked him if you are exclusive, or whatever you want to be, because if you haven't, he might be getting the wrong idea of what this means to you," Bert pressed, and even though Gerard knew his friend was just trying to be helpful, he didn't want to think of Frank in a negative light, and he found himself instantly jumping to Frank's defense.

"He's not a dick Bert, and it's not like all we do is fuck - we talk too, and watch movies, and cuddle, like a proper couple, like boyfriends, or whatever," Gerard huffed, because even though he didn't actually like the term "boyfriends", it just seemed too cliché a title for two people who enjoyed each other's company, and he hadn't labeled anyone as such since high school, he wouldn't mind being able to call Frank his.

"How long did it take for you guys to start having sex?" Bert asked, one eyebrow arched in a knowing manner.

"Why does that matter Bert?" Gerard shot back, crossing his arms across his chest sullenly, as if the simple gesture could protect him from Bert's never ending questions, even though his adverse reaction was more of an answer than any words, and he knew Bert already knew that it hadn't been long at all.

"Because it does Gee, and you know it, just like you know I'm not trying to hurt you - fuck - I'm trying to prevent you from getting hurt, and I don't want this to be Colton all over again," Bert sighed heavily, an earnest expression plastered across his face, and Gerard knew that his friend only looking had his best interests in mind, no matter how much Gerard didn't think he needed looking out for.

But Bert had good reasoning for his protective behavior, because he had been left to deal with the pieces of Gerard after Colton had broken his heart - actually - he had destroyed it completely, and even though so much of the aftermath of that relationship was a blur of alcohol and drugs to Gerard, he knew it had been messy, and Gerard had been left a shell of what he once was, and if it wasn't for Bert, he would never have been able to glue himself back together again, and even with his help, Gerard hadn't been able to reconstruct himself perfectly.

Colton had been his first boyfriend - or so Gerard thought; a blonde haired, green eyed senior that Gerard had been crushing on for years, and when he finally asked Gerard out on a date, Gerard couldn't believe his luck, because someone like Colton should never have looked twice at the chunky, greasy, black clad lump that had been teenage Gerard Way, but he had, and Gerard had been too naive to even consider the possibility that this might have been too good to be true.

It was all a set up though, an elaborate, cruel bet made up by Colton's friends, because whoever could claim Gerard Way's virginity, as well as break his heart in the process, would win the game, or whatever the fuck it was, and Gerard was left clueless to the fact that he was only a pawn in Colton's twisted scheme, and without thinking twice, Gerard gave his everything to the gorgeous boy that Gerard was so convinced truly loved him.

Gerard had always fallen hard, even back then, and Colton was no exception, so within a month, Gerard was convinced that he had found his soul mate, that Colton was the one, and he was ready to cement his feelings with the intimate act of sex. It had been amazing, and painful, and not entirely what Gerard thought his first time would be like, but he didn't care, because it was with Colton, and Gerard had fallen asleep that night with thoughts of the future and a small smile tugging on his swollen lips.

But the next morning dawned, and Colton seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and even though Gerard attempted to be patient, and he tried to wait for Colton to reach out to him, after two days of ignored text messages and phone calls ending in voicemails, Gerard worked up the courage to go over to his house and find out why the love of his life was mysteriously absent.

Gerard had a dozen theories as to why Colton was being distant, ranging from a simple cold that was keeping him bedridden to Gerard being a terrible lay, and everything in between, but never in his wildest imaginings had Gerard expected to find Colton healthy and active, laughing and joking with his friends when Gerard tentatively pushed open the door to his home, which was always left unlocked during the day for some odd reason.

Gerard couldn't really remember the exact sequence of events that followed, all he recalled was the cruel laughter, the taunts from Colton's friends as he explained that he never loved Gerard, and it had all been a prank, or a bet - Gerard was still fuzzy on the exact details, and it didn't matter anyway, all that mattered was the heartbreak, the agony the overtook Gerard's chest as he staggered under the weight of the truth, his eyes begging Colton to take everything back, but even though Colton's face carried an expression of remorse, he didn't try and stop Gerard when he bolted from the house - in fact, he never spoke to Gerard again after that day.

Gerard would like to say that Colton's betrayal had been the event that set him on this path to madness he currently trod every waking moment of his life, but it wasn't, Gerard had always been just a bit fucked up, but this multiplied it, manifesting itself in razor blades, and too many pills, and copious amounts of alcohol, anything Gerard could find to numb the pain in his heart and the screaming in his head.

And even though Gerard knew he was probably overacting, and no high school sweetheart deserved to have this much power over him, that was just how Gerard was programmed, because he didn't find any worth in himself, so he searched for it in other people, in love, in friends, in sex, because he had nothing to give to himself, and if it hadn't been for Bert, Gerard Way may not have lived to graduate high school.

But Bert cared, he always had, and Gerard was beginning to believe that he always would. Bert had helped Gerard piece himself back together again, he had watched over him through the nights where Gerard didn't think he could stand to see another sunrise, he had filled Gerard with words of hope, with empty promises of someone else, someone better, and eventually, Gerard had managed to move on.

But he was no longer the young innocent boy of before, Gerard was calloused now, scarred and bruised, but hopefully smarter, and much less gullible, and Gerard had never again given his heart to another person, he hadn't even tried, and he was better of this way, at least, Gerard told himself he was, but then Frank had come into his life, and his presence was making Gerard rethink everything.

"You're right, I'm sorry, but Frank isn't like him, I know that, and yes - he might end up hurting me, but he's worth the risk, he's worth a hell of a lot," Gerard finally replied, shaking his head slightly to remove all lingering traces of Colton from his mind.

"Okay...but Gee, I think you should talk to him, get to know him better, see if he wants you as more than just a fuck buddy, because you deserve someone who loves you, and who wants to be there for you, and if Frank is that person, then you need to open up to him - not all the way, but just a bit, because if you don't, you might lose him, and I can already tell you don't want that to happen."

Bert was right of course, he was always right, especially when it came to relationships, because Gerard was pretty much clueless about how to maintain one; after Colton, he had mostly partaken in a string of fuck buddies, people he would call when he needed to get off, but no one that he wanted to actually spend any substantial amount of time with, no one who made him long for more, no one like Frank, and once the band had started, Gerard didn't have any time to think about his love life, not with the writing, and the recording, and the touring, but now that was all in the past, and even though Gerard had no idea what the fuck he was doing anymore, he knew that he wanted Frank in his future.

"Yeah...you are right, I will take him out soon, ask him out properly, or whatever I'm supposed to do," Gerard agreed, his heart fluttering in his chest as he imagined being able to claim Frank as his own, to know that his hands were the only ones to touch him, because Gerard wasn't stupid, and he wouldn't be surprised if Frank was seeing other guys, but he didn't want that - he wanted Frank all to himself, and hopefully Frank felt the same way.

"You are really falling for him aren't you?" Bert murmured softly, peering at Gerard over the rim of his coffee cup with knowing eyes and a barely concealed grin.

"I - I am, and I'm so scared, and I know he's not going to want me when he finds out how fucked up I really am, but I don't even care - I just want to be with him as long as he will have me," Gerard sighed, because no matter how perfect Frank was, there was no way he was going to stick around once he saw Gerard's scars, or experienced one his episodes, but that hadn't happened yet, and Gerard was going to try his dammed hardest to make sure it never did.

"Gee...don't say that - okay? If Frank really cares about you, none of that will matter, but you have to give him a chance, you have to let him in, and maybe he will surprise you." Gerard scoffed quietly, because even though he wanted to believe Bert's words - he couldn't, because they were lies.

Sure - Bert didn't care about Gerard's faults, and Mikey didn't, but they had known him for ages, and they weren't romantically involved with him, so it was different, and Gerard couldn't see anyone accepting him for who he truly was, because Gerard couldn't even do that, and he had to live with himself every day, so it was crazy to think that Frank ever could.

"No one is that understanding, Mikey doesn't even know what to do with me half of the time, and I can't expect Frank to," Gerard muttered, his fingers tapping against the table nervously, but Gerard quickly stilled them when he recognized the tune he was beating out, and old songs from his days in My Chem was definitely not what this moment needed.

"But you don't know that Gee, and hiding it all away will only make it worse in the end. I know this is hard for you, and I know you don't like showing people the real you, but fuck - I haven't seen you like this since Colton, and that means Frank must really be something special, and even though I don't know him - you do, and you are really smitten with him, and if he's stuck around this long, I'm sure he has already caught on to certain things, and he hasn't bolted yet, so I don't think you should make any assumptions just yet."

Gerard pondered Bert's words as he drained the rest of his coffee in one go, because sticking with the theme of the day, Bert seemed to be proven right more often than not, and he was correct to say that Frank most likely had noticed some of Gerard's oddities, even though Frank hadn't remarked on them, so even though Gerard's first instinct was to brush off Bert's words as a friendly attempt at comforting him, Gerard had learned that doubting Bert usually ended badly.

Gerard hadn't really considered the possibility of Frank wanting Gerard once the truth came out, but in some ways, Gerard wasn't trying to maintain his relatively normal image as much as before; he hadn't been as avid about hiding his scars lately, and Frank had been in his bathroom, which contained the pills that Gerard neglected to take more often than he should, not to mention he seemed to be able to sense when Gerard was close to breaking down, and he always quickly steered Gerard's attention away from whatever was bothering him that day, and even though that could all be just a coincidence, maybe it wasn't.

Maybe Frank knew a bit more than he let on, maybe he had an inkling about what went on inside of Gerard's screwed up brain, and even though Frank was perfect to Gerard, he was also a little bit fucked up too, and even though Gerard didn't know why, the fact remained that Frank's life wasn't a happy one, and he had some hidden demons too, so maybe Gerard's wouldn't scare him away, maybe he would find solace in another suffering soul, maybe two broken halves could make a whole in this instance, and maybe they did have a chance after all.

Hey guys, sorry for disappearing for a bit, but if any of you read my other books, you probably know I was in California for a week, and then I saw FOB, and now I am trying to adjust to being back at work, so my updates are really slowing down for the moment.

So this is just another filler, and I really need to stop writing these, but yeah - I have a problem, but I think there is only three more chapters until the juicy stuff happens, so hang in there.

This chapter is dedicated to LokiTheBest for being super supportive, and commenting, and just being all around awesome.

See you guys soon hopefully.

((((updating vibes))))

<3 starr