I’m quite sure I’ve already died and gone to heaven.

That must be it. To be blessed this much by joy. To wake up feeling something other than dread. It has to be a sweet dream.

I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. Tenth grade perhaps, when I got the highest test score in class. The reward was a fifty dollar gift card. I could finally afford those tennis shoes, the ones every girl had. But it turns out I was a bit too late with the purchase because a week later, the trend died out.

Now that I think about it, that was the same grade I got my first ever boyfriend. Kevin was his name, and he may not be that good looking from what I remember, but back then he might as well have belonged to a boyband. What made it even special is the fact that he asked me out. Me of all people, to be his girlfriend.

But of course, it didn’t end well. The relationship ended after two weeks only, after he got me to do his science project for him. I reported the entire incident to his teacher, of course, but the damage had already been done. Kevin used me.

Sucks to suck, am I right? I have a get-together to prepare for. To think in just a day, I’ll be in Shane’s car, in his passenger’s seat, driving to the occasion he invited me to. It almost sounds too good to be true. But let’s not jinx the situation in case it all does turn out to be a dream.

Even the sun agrees with me; the days are indeed better. My eyes are closed, soaking in the sunrays, while sipping from my cup of fruit juice. The outdoor study area is the best place to lounge around on campus, mostly because no one ever uses it for its true purpose. So it's all peaceful where I am. Who knew life could be this good, and that I just had to go for it?

Well, it’s good for the most part. When I open my eyes, I spot Colt not too far away with some friends of his, chatting. I know I shouldn’t think the worst seeing him there, but I can’t help but think our run-ins are a bit excessive.

Each time I see Colt, I’m reminded of that night behind the shop. I’m not sure how things were able to normalize themselves after that, but they have. And now my life has taken a turn for the best. I just don’t want Colt being a variable any longer, not now when I’ve finally found peace.

I wait until Colt’s in the clear before paying him a visit. If he’s surprised to see me, I can’t tell. But what I can tell is that he’s in a good mood.

He takes a good look at me, perhaps a bit too long, until he smiles. “You look good.”

I don’t receive the compliment well, only because it’s Colt Bradshaw. In a different reality, where Colt isn’t a cold blooded killer, I would have been ecstatic. But everything about him gives me chills.

“I kept my own end of the bargain,” I tell him. “I haven’t told anyone. So let’s go our separate ways, back to being strangers. Are we clear?”

Colt doesn’t say anything. He stares at me with those dead eyes of his, the ones I’ve come to acclimate to. It is to a point where I can almost read into them, tell the emptiness apart from other specks of emotions. And right now, there’s something vicious in them.

Colt grabs his backpack off the bench. “Crystal.”

Then he takes his leave. Just like that.

Problem solved. That went well. I think. But all’s done and over with. No more Colt Bradshaw.

Seconds after Colt’s departure, Jenny catches up to me, more puzzled than I’ve ever seen her. “Was that Colt Bradshaw?”

“No.”

But Jenny doesn’t fall for it. “Yes, it was. You two know each other?”

I have no clue why I deemed the lie necessary, but the last thing I want is to get Jenny entangled with Colt. So I come up with some concoction. “We share a class. He asked me to take some notes for him.”

Jenny chuckles, still a bit perplexed. “Okay, you didn’t have to lie about it.”

“He just . . . doesn’t want people finding out.” Then I change the subject before she can dig for any further details. “So where have you been lately?”

Jenny sighs with a smile too wide. “Option number one. I almost feel like making it official with him.”

That’s a first. I want to ask for more details, but something tells me it involves a whole lot of intimacy. And Jenny’s currently too busy studying me, looking me up and down. From my styled hair down to my outfit.

“I see you’ve made some changes.” She says once she’s done.

The excitement engulfs me once again. I’ve been dying to share with Jenny the new clothes I bought, the new things I’ve been doing. “I decided to change things up a little.” I take a step back, enough to have my outfit on full view. “What do you think?”

Jenny does a quick once-over. “The shirt is a bit too tight for your chest, don’t you think?”

I look down to see the issue. I didn’t think it was that bad when I threw it on this morning. But the self-awareness has already begun creeping in, and before I know it, I’m covering my shirt up with my cardigan.

Jenny sweeps up the conversation and moves on. We’re on our way towards the common area, where we usually laze around before class starts. “Anyway,” says Jenny. “What are you doing this weekend? Any plans?”

“Yeah, actually. With Shane.”

Jenny somehow takes it as a joke, because she laughs. “With Shane.”

I give her a nod. “At some friend’s place. He’s picking me up,” When I don’t receive a reply, I turn to her. And then it hits me. “Didn’t he invite you?”

She shakes her head.

“Oh . . . then I’ll ask if—”

“No, it’s okay. You two have fun.”

The air around us turns sour. I try digging up some other topic to get past the bump. Option number one seems to work; Jenny is already on the case, delving into the details.

But my attention grows lax by the second, and soon I’m in my own world, dreaming about my outing with Shane.

___

That Saturday morning, I start off picking out what hairstyle will suit me best. You’d be surprised how many there are, and how difficult it is to copy and paste them. In the end, I settle for a curling effect, making sure my layered bangs are perfectly intact.

And then I move on to my outfit. A sundress for the warm weather, and a light outwear the color of pastel pink. Making that decision was miles easier than doing my make-up, however. A little imperfect, but I’ve made progress. And I doubt Shane will be able to tell anyway.

The long-awaited time finally comes, around seven P.M. Surprisingly, Colt arrives right on time as he’d promised. I was expecting a little hiccup, because I’ve come to expect these things in my life. But he’s there, outside my apartment unit, waiting for me.

I take a deep breath in, looking myself in the mirror, making sure I’m all good to go. And I am. I’m beautiful.

Shane gets the car door for me, and soon we’re on our way down the street, towards what I know will be the best night of my life.

“You look amazing, by the way.” Shane tells me, his eyes on the road.

I hold in a giggle and let out a smile. “Thanks.”

We ride on for a couple more seconds in silence. I want to fill it in, sharpen his image of me. “So where is this get-together?”

Shane takes a sharp breath in. “About that. There’s been a slight change of plans.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there was an incident at the place we were supposed to go. Someone flooded the basement. It’s a big mess right now.”

That’s not too bad. With how serious his tone was, I’d already assumed someone died.

“Besides, my friends are jerks.” Shane continues. “So I’ll be taking you somewhere else.”

Normally — under normal circumstances — this would tip off every alarm bell in the book. But I’m not too worried at the moment. I’m with Shane Foster, and although we only began talking not too long ago, I’m comfortable enough with him.  Besides, I have a can of mace in my bag.

The ride comes to a stop at a park. With it being this late, there aren’t that many people around. More streetlights than stragglers. Shane ushers me down a pedestrian path, where there are trees and shrubs of flowers on either side.

He clears his throat. “I know it’s not what you were expecting, but I figured I should at least try.”

“No, this is perfect.” I tell him, already entranced by the bushes of wildflowers.

Then it clicks. Doesn’t this officially classify as a date? It’s just us two. Out in the open. By ourselves.

It’s a date.

A date.

That’s when my nerves kick in, and my body begins sweating.

“Are you okay?” Shane asks.

I swallow down more nerves. “Yes, I’m just so excited about the . . . bushes.”

What sort of reply is that? Should I strangle myself?

Shane seems to find some humor in it. He chuckles, and some of my uneasiness fades away. “The real reason I brought you here is because of that.” He points into the distance.

At first, I’m puzzled. Until I see it. The glow, the green. Fireflies. They gather around, showering us with the most stunning lightshow I’ve ever seen. I can’t help but smile. It feels like we’re lost in our own fantasy, riding the wave towards the end of the rainbow. But I hope we never arrive at the end. I hope the ride lasts us a while.

“They only come out around this time.” Shane tells me. “I didn’t want you to miss it.”

I turn to him. “I’m glad I didn’t.”

There’s a cloud above us, charged by the sun only, and yet heavy with tension. He doesn’t look away; he keeps his eyes on mine and mine only. I don’t think I’m strong enough to hold his gaze. So I look away.

“Your friends aren’t mad you’re blowing them off?”

Shane shrugs. “They’ll get over it. They don’t need me there anyway.”

“You’re Shane Foster. I’m sure they do."

To this, Shane laughs. "Everyone needs a point guard, I guess. But it’s exhausting, you know. Having to carry so much weight on your shoulders. Sometimes, I dream of my own failure."

I can't tell him what I dream about; it would probably scare him away. But I know a thing or two about being plagued with so much burden. It's suffocating, because not once do you only live for yourself. It's been that way with my mother and I since I could remember.

"I can't really speak on your behalf, but," I sigh. "It helps when I spoil myself sometimes. Carrying that much weight is never healthy. It's okay to be selfish. For yourself."

I've only begun living selfishly lately, so the advice may not be too grounded. But it's what helps me, what keeps me going. Life shouldn't always have to be so full of dread.

We keep the conversation going a while longer, where I learn that Shane is a middle child of five, and that he was once forgotten at church after service. I contemplate telling him about the time my mother left me stranded in the middle of town, but I consider it unnecessary.

The stroll down the path comes to an end at the edge of the roadside. Shane turns to me, studying my face with those dark eyes of his. He really needs to stop doing that. My knees might give out soon.

“This was fun.” He tells me.

Fun is an understatement. I haven’t felt this alive in ages. “We should do this again.”

“Yeah, definitely.” He smiles. Then he looks me in the eye again, and this time I don’t look away. Because although I have little experience dating, I know what happens at the end of dates.

And I think it’s about to happen now. Shane leans in, and I have to brace myself, steel my heart, harden my knees, for the one thing I’ve been hoping, wishing, praying for. Of all the regrets I’ve kept buried, this was always number one on the list. Now the moment has arrived. And I have the chance to relish it.

But then a car drives by, right over the pothole toppled with water. We’re drenched down to our clothes in seconds. I’m almost certain that was on purpose.

Shane and I share a look before bursting out into laughter. Then he guides me towards his car and begins the ride back home. And while I didn’t exactly get what I wanted, I still got to live the experience. I still got to live out a night as dreamlike. So I’m more than content. More than blissful.

If only I knew that happiness is a short-lived dream. It never lasts.