I had a "boyfriend" in high school. We went to two proms and one homecoming dance together, had numerous homework dates at the local coffee shop, and tried baking a cake a few times (it never ended very well). We said "I love you" all the time over text, but I don't think either of us had the guts to say it more than once in real life. Do you want to know the kicker? We kissed a grand total of two times. None of our friends really considered us to have a real relationship since we never went beyond a quick peck on the lips, but it didn't bother us too much. This boy was my best friend before we became "boyfriend and girlfriend", and we just kind of "happened". It was almost like nothing had changed, but instead of just being best friends, we had a label. Saying that I loved him in a friendship sense was easy. We had some amazing memories and had gone through some tough times together. How could I not love someone I shared so many moments of my life with? But when it came time to say that I loved him in a more serious "boyfriend-girlfriend" sense? Forget about it. I found the words on the tip of my tongue, but I could never quite seen to get them out.

Looking back on that experience, I was not ready for the kind of love that comes with a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It had become increasingly strenuous to love myself and my flaws, and I was not able to put the level of love on my boy that he deserved. I do not regret our "relationship" in the slightest, but I regret not being able to give 100% of myself to this boy who would have given me the world. 

Now, I am nearing the end of the first semester of my sophomore year of college. All of my friends are either on Tinder trying to find their true love among a bunch of internet strangers, or they are already in a committed relationship. Me? I'm still extremely single. In a global pandemic, it isn't exactly easy to find a boyfriend unless you already have one, have a dating app downloaded on your iPhone, or are willing to risk getting COVID and spreading it to others by going to parties and looking for Prince Charming at the Alpha Beta Delta Fraternity's "Cowboys and Aliens" themed party. 

Until this point, I've never been the kind of girl to want a boyfriend. Even my high school relationship was not really pursued by me, I just passively let it happen. I tend to be rather pessimistic when it comes to love, but that is mostly due to the fact that it is rather hard to love myself, let alone expend energy trying to love another person as completely as I would like to. Mentally, I am still not at the point where I am ready to give part of myself to another person, but I just feel like I am getting left behind.

What do I mean by "getting left behind"? Well, for starters, the majority of girls in their sophomore year of college have lost their virginity, made out with a stranger, or just made out with their partner. Me? Nope. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I've done none of the aforementioned things. It is not necessarily that I am being a prude or anything, it is just that I have some trust issues. I don't want to make out with a nicotine-addicted stranger at a frat house. I don't want to give a part of myself to someone that doesn't know the real me. The flaws, the imperfections, what makes me confident, what my dreams for the future are, stuff like that. I want to feel comfortable enough with the person to know that I don't have to worry about them breaking my trust. In a global pandemic, finding this person is impossible. 

I'm not actively looking for a boyfriend or anything, I just think it would be nice to have another person to trust. Another person that can help me grow to love myself, and can accept it if I am not at 100% every single day of the week. Someone who supports me no matter what, but also can rely on me and I can support them in their endeavors. Someone who can easily tell me that everything is going to be okay, and I believe them. 

I am almost always struggling with some self-love issues. I tell myself I am enough and write down self-love inspirational quotes from Pinterest, but somedays it is very hard to trust myself. I don't know if I am ready to love someone with how much I struggle with loving myself, but I am working on it. I just hope that someday, someone will come and love me for who I am and all of my imperfections, and I can let myself go enough to love them tenfold in return.