I think it's crazy how one's level of self-esteem can go from one extreme to the other in less than 24 hours. 

For me, I began my day feeling really good about myself. I looked in the mirror and thought "I look strong and I feel really good". It's been a long time since I've looked in the mirror and thought that about myself. I don't go to the gym for others, I go for myself and to make me feel stronger. 

Then, after the gym, my self-esteem dropped a little. Not a whole lot, but it definitely dropped. I was trying to pick out a cute outfit so that when I went out with my two friends later, I could take cute pictures to post on Instagram. Nothing I picked out really felt right. My sunburn showed too much with one top, another was too showy with the cleavage, with another my stomach showed a little too much, and another just made me feel gigantic. However, I did find an outfit that I felt cute and comfortable in, so it didn't completely go from a 95 to a 0. 

We got our nails done at a sub-par nail place and went to take pictures close by. I really did not want to but my friends insisted that I step in front of the camera for once. I am usually the one to take the pictures and hype my friends up because I am very critical of my appearance in photos, but I relented to their badgering. 

Out of over 100 pictures of myself, there was only 1 that I felt like I looked okay enough in. Not okay enough to post on Instagram, but okay enough to send to my mama. My self-esteem dropped with every picture I scrolled through. My friends were obsessed with their pictures and thanked me for doing a good job. I, on the other hand, was trying not to cringe at myself and criticize every little thing about those photos of myself. I really did try to like the photos, but I just couldn't bring myself to see them and think I was beautiful. 

We got fast food for dinner. I have been trying to eat healthily, but at this place, there really wasn't that option. I got home and ate by myself and literally inhaled my food. I ate so fast and I didn't want to stop eating. I ate my food, then I went out and ate candy, then I made cookies and ate the dough as I worked and ate two large cookies once they were cooked. The constant eating that I indulged in tonight made my self-esteem drop even lower. At this point, I'm not sure if there is any way my self-esteem could get lower. 

Then, I began to start to wash my face. I am always self-conscious of my skin because I have psoriasis and dermatitis among other skin issues. My skin has been so dry recently and tonight, when I looked closely at my face, I was disgusted. I looked like I had scales on parts of my face. 

Needless to say, today was a day full of self-esteem fluctuation. When I woke up this morning I genuinely thought I was okay. I wanted to make that tik-tok trend that has the lyrics "And nothing hurts anymore, I feel kind of free". I felt so proud of myself and how I looked, and it had been so long since I felt that way. Now, almost 15 hours after I woke up, I am crying as I write this. I don't have the courage to tell any of my friends how I feel, so I am ranting to one or two random strangers on the internet. I just want to cry myself to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better. 

My ultimate goal is to get to the mentality where I can love myself in the mirror. Even if I don't look the way I want to or indulge in behavior that makes me feel bad about myself, I want to be proud of that girl in the mirror. Even if her self-esteem fluctuates during the day, I want her to feel free.