lemme speak first okay? im sorry. ive been so inactive lately kasi yk, ya girl is busy (and lazy 🤭) plus i just dont feel like writing? idk its weird kasi all my life ive been writing so yeah (black swan playing in the background 🙃) i know no one cares 🤪 and this isnt the first time i actually stayed away from wattpad tho this is the first time i stayed away from writing so im sad 😔 anywayyy, im not back, i just felt like writing kanina so i did and hey it felt good 😁. yes, mistakes are mine 😊

and before I forget pala, just wanna mention Abiphanyyy kasi I feel like I owe her an update 😭 hello bebe, you know I see you, I appreciate you waiting for my updates every single day and im sorry if I always fail you 😭 you motivate me enough, I'm just too lazy to actually write. thank you so much for your support 🖤 stay safe palagi! lovelots!

just in case no one has told you yet, you're cute and valid 💕

- hannan ❤️

♣♣♣

Chapter Thirteen

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Please make sure one last time your seat belt is securely fastened. The flight attendants are currently passing around the cabin to make a final compliance check and pick up any remaining cups and glasses. Thank you."

Feeling light taps on my arm, I was quickly pulled back from the hazy dream I just had, my head felt weightless but my heart felt like it was going through something I was so familiar with, something I had gone through before and probably, something I still hadn't been past through. The dream was hazy in my mind, slowly coming to reality, knowing too well deep inside me that it wasn't just a dream... they were memories, memories I was too coward to let go.

They were a part of the past.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko para hilahin ang buong sistema ko mula sa malalim na pagkakahulog sa panaginip na iyon. It felt so real because all the emotions I had felt those time were back, assaulting me with different emotions at once. It was bringing me headache and making my empty stomach shrink in discomfort, and surprisingly, unwelcomed pain that I thought I was already past from.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko napanaginipan ang lahat ng mga nangyari noon. I stopped having nightmares of the past a long time ago, ever since I had accepted to myself that Jeongguk was once in my life just to bring me heartbreaks. I had to accept in order to have my piece of mind. I had to keep moving in order to continuously live. I had to forget about what we had in order to avoid some things. I just had to... in order tp protect my heart.

Muli akong nakaramdam ng marahang tapik sa braso ko kaya nilingon ko ang katabi ko. Somehow lightening up the nauseous twirl of my emotions, what met me was the innocent pretty face of Park Hyechan, staring up at me with those pair of small adorable blinking eyes.

"Tita Em, Tita Evah asked me to wake you up," she cutely said, her small hands were still tapping my arm. Just then, the pilot's announcement once again clouded the whole cabin, informing us of landing. Dalawang beses niya iyong inulit, sa Korean language muna bago sa English.

I smiled sweetly at the innocent kid as I slowly nodded at her, bringing my hands to cup her soft cheeks. "Thanks for waking me up, baby. How do you feel?" I gently asked, staring intently at how the way her plump lips pulled down to a cute pout, her eyes following as they blinked cutely, her long lashes brushing the tender skin under her eyes.

"I miss Tito Bien..." she answered sadly. It wasn't the answer I was looking for, I was wondering if she felt nauseous since this was her first airplane ride, but I wasn't surprised. We were literally taking her away from her Uncle Bien. Ni hindi nga sila napapaghiwalay ng sobrang tagal, paniguradong malaki-laking adjustment ang kakailanganin ng batang ito. "I haven't said goodbye to my friends," dagdag niya sa mas malungkot na tinig.

It wasn't like I expected her not to have friends in her school, the kid was like the child version of her mother, she wasn't really that friendly to strangers and a bit difficult to get along with. Ni hindi ko nga siya naririnig na nagkukuwento ng tungkol sa mga kaklase niya, maliban na lang kung may mga nang-aaway sa kaniya. Still, I felt sad for her because I could see that she wasn't ready, she still wasn't ready to go out of her comfort zone. South Korea had been her home, and Philippines was a big country for her, a strange country.

"Don't worry baby, your Tito Bien will call you often, okay? He may also visit you here after he's done with his work in Seoul." I tried comforting her by talking with her with soothing voice.

"We didn't even bring Esen..." Her eyes fluttered up to meet mine. And I had to suck in a deep breath because her eyes resembled perfectly those of her father's.

"We'll make sure to get her as soon as possible, hm?" Hindi ko alam anong puwede kong sabihin para mapagaan ang loob niya dahil alam kong kahit na anong sabihin ko, wala sa Pilipinas ang makakapagpasaya sa kaniya. It was a sad truth. So I just smoothly caressed her delicate cheeks before I leaned down to drop a loud kiss on her forehead.

The landing went on smoothly, passing the gates as well, and I had to let Evah take care of Chan because I still felt sleepy even after all the sleep I just had. I was starting to get annoyed at myself because it wasn't really a good feeling, I also hated how I was being so unproductive. Naisip kong bumabawi lang ang katawan ko dahil sa kawalan ng gagawin, at itinatak sa isipan ko na kailangan kong mag-isip ng mga pagkaka-abalahan dito sa Manila para ibalik ang dating status ng sistema ko.

Aly was with me, holding my hand while Jessie was in front of us, tailing after Evah and Chan. Ilang beses din akong nakatanggap ng pagsiko mula kay Aly dahil halos sumandal na ako sa kaniya habang naglalakad. We actually had to negotiate with the airport staffs to at least provide a safe route for us but because of the sudden request, they couldn't fully attend to what we wanted so they just made sure to clear the gates before allowing us to go. I had to wear a black mask under my bucket hat and a big hoodie though the weather was almost killing me.

I had some of my biggest fanbases here in the Philippines, though I had never visited the country ever since I started my career, I was somehow aware of all the charitable projects my fans here had accomplished. It was one of the things I personally managed. Alam ko ang bawat project for-a-cause ng bawat fanbase ko na ipinapangalan sa akin ng mga fans ko sa iba't ibang bansa. I had always thanked them all for that.

"You've slept through the ride, Em. How can you still feel sleepy?!" Aly asked me in a hushed annoyed voice that just went in and out of my ears, her body giving up as she let me fully lean on her.

Hanselle and Chan's reunion at the arrival area had to be cut short because the kid wasn't feeling okay, with all the weather adjustment and probaby the frustration she had been feeling, she just resulted to sleeping all the way to Hanselle's house. Nalaman kong katulad ko ay tulog din si Chan buong biyahe nang gisingin ako ni Aly habang nagrereklamo na palagi na lang akong natutulog. The kid was sleeping peacefully in her mother's arms and despite the sleep still trying to pull me from reality, I managed to smile warmly at the sight.

It wasn't a common sight. Normally, Hanselle would have a hard time coaxing her daughter to her, with the kid being difficult and sulky. And I was happy that finally, with Chan here in Manila, they would have all the time to get close to each other... as a mother and daughter should be.

Halos umusal ako ng pasasalamat nang sa wakas, maihiga ko na ang katawan ko sa malambot na kama. My mind was drowning Aly's frustrated complaints about me as I finally let myself fall into the sweet call of slumber, the breath I let out was deep but contented. I didn't know what time it was already when I woke up, my eyes producing hot tears as my heart beating painfully, the repetition of what I had dreamt at the plane swimming in my mind.

Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang comforter na nalaglag sa kandungan ko habang nagpapalawala ng ilang malalalim na buntong-hininga. Once again, I just had to ask myself this... where did I go wrong this time?

Akala ko tapos na ako roon. I thought I was already past the painful reminder of our past? I had already suffered a lot of sleepless nights, I had already given up a lot of meal times and I had already gone through the continuous breaking of my heart, I thought I was done?

Instantly, my mind went back to what had happened before we had boarded the plane, the little bittersweet meeting I had with Jeongguk, his tight hug, his soft whispers of promise and his gentle kiss on my head. The Jeongguk I had at the airport hours ago, it was the same Jeongguk I had years ago. And there was a reason why I just couldn't let myself get drawn by him again. Kasi kapag hinayaan kong muli akong mapalapit sa kaniya, para ko na ring kinalimutan ang lahat ng mga ginawa niya sa akin. I would also admit that we didn't have the proper closure, and it was his choice, it was a choice from him that I had to accept.

It was just one of the things he had never given me the option to.

He was my mistake before, his persistency, his lies, his pretentions, those were all just his façade to make me fall and then hurt me afterwards. And now that he was back, completely being the same man as he was before, the same man I had fallen for, the same man who had broken me, I just couldn't let myself do the same mistake I had done before. I just had to leave him at where he left me, I just had to leave him at where we ended. He would always be just my mistake... my sweetest mistake.

He was my sweetest mistake. And as sweet as it was, still a mistake, a mistake that needed correction or... deletion.

"When you left me before, when you hurt me before, I promised myself that I wouldn't ever let you go back to me again. And this time, I'm not breaking my promise..." I whispered to myself, slowly closing my eyes with another set of hot tears springing free as I willed my heart to understand despite it protesting against what I wanted because hell, I just couldn't believe how I still felt the same for him. How I still loved him even after everything

It sucks, huh, it sucks that in this lifetime, I will only always fall in love with the same man.

I never had troubles when it came to picking foods laid on the table for every meal time, hell, I could even eat everything for as long as they were edible. Hindi rin naman ako maarte, true, I loved vegetables but I also ate meats. Though my career had limited me from eating a lot of foods, the diet I was used to was also my own choice. Kaya halos maiyak ako nang maramdaman ko ang biglaang pagbaliktad sikmura ko. The feeling was too sudden that while everyone was too busy forcing Chan to eat vegetables, I didn't manage to inform them of my sudden break.

Nakakahiya rin kung magpapaalam ako sa kanilang magbabanyo gayong nasusuka na ako.

Mentally cursing myself, I quickly threw my palms over my mouth as I literally bolted to the kitchen which luckily held a small bathroom inside. Hindi ko na pinansin ang ilang mga kasambahay na nagulantang sa presensiya ko dahil mas priority ko ang makarating kaagad sa banyo. As I reached the toilet, I let myself drop on the floor, painfully letting all that I had consumed pour out of my throat.

It hurt, the acid from my stomach left a bitter taste in my throat and on my tongue. The twisting in my stomach was another story, it felt empty but acids boiling. I didn't even notice I was tearing up.

Oh no, I guessed it was my body trying to adjust to the foods, though I was never sensitive. Nagugutom pa ako pero hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko pa bang kumain ulit, at kahit na ang gusto ko na lang ay bumalik sa kuwarto at matulog, pinilit kong bumalik sa hapag dahil ayaw kong pag-alalahanin ang mga kaibigan ko. I was already trying to break free from the diet my body was used to so this wasn't a big deal.

After lunch, I informed them that I would be back to the room to rest, in my defense, I was sleepy. Hindi ko naiintindihan ang kakaibang estado ng mood ko, hindi ako tulugin, for god's sake, artista ako, sanay ako sa puyatan. I could actually stay up for straight forty-eight hours and still felt like making it through the next day. Aside from a lingering stare from Evah and a suspicious glare from Aly, they just stayed silent as they let me go. Hindi ko na rin masyadong binigyan ng pansin ang pagbabago ng katawan ko, naisip kong natural lang naman siguro ito para sa kagaya kong matagal ding nangailangan ng pahinga.

Maybe my body was just trying to get back on the abuse, overworking and all.

Dinner was slightly different from lunch, we had additions. Chelsea and Haynes, Hanselle's older brother, were in the table with us. Hindi namin madalas nakikita ang mga ito pero noong nasa Korea pa kami, may ilang mga okasayon na lumilipad ang mga ito pa-Korea para bumisita. I wouldn't also ever forget how Haynes had been there with Hanselle all throughout her pregnancy. And that might probably be the very reason why Chan was so fond of her uncle. Hindi na rin ako nagulat nang madali lang na napasunod ni Haynes ang bata na pakainin ng gulay.

Everything was going smoothly as how it had gone during lunch. Hindi ako kumain ng marami, and as if naman may tatanggaping ibang pagkain ang tiyan ko. I stuck on my pair of cucumbers and ketchup, they were what my tastebud was looking for. Hindi ko rin gustong ipakita sa kanila ang pagngiwi ko sa bawat putaheng nakahain sa mesa. I didn't want a sequel of what had happened during lunch, it was rude of me to leave the table in the middle of the meal just to throw up. Siguro ay magso-sorry na lang ako kay Hanselle mamaya.

"Where are you going?"

Evah's voice sounded firm and harsh when it boomed around the place. The dining area of Hanselle's house was wide but trapped in between the walls of the kitchen and the mini living room so her voice was also trapped, creating a loud echo that made me stop from walking out of the dining area. I was planning on retiring for tonight, my body was already aching for the soft cradle of the bed and my eyes had been blinking in resignation. Kung hahayaan lang ako ni Evah, siguro ay mahimbing akong makakatulog ngayong gabi.

Oh my god, I just want my precious sleep!

At the thought of sleep, my mouth slowly opened for a yawn. "Sa kuwarto. Inaantok ako," I answered softly, my voice was husky. I even pouted when I saw Evah's condescending stares, as if she was looking through me and that she wanted to see past my reason. Wala siyang makikita dahil talaga namang inaantok lang ako. I wasn't just making excuses. I knew that I had been so strayed from them, choosing sleep instead of spending time with them but I couldn't help it.

This was how my body was coping up with the lack of activities to do. I was just trying to get used to the adjustments. And it wasn't easy because even I couldn't understand how my body and my mood worked nowadays.

Si Hanselle na nasa tabi ng mahabang mesa ay tahimik lang na nanonood habang nagpupunas, at malinaw ko ring nakikita ang pagtataka sa mga mata niya. She wasn't really the intruding type, she would rather let people come and speak. And I couldn't believe I would say this but hell, I appreciated that.

"You've been sleeping all day, Em." Kung may ikatatalim pa ang tono ng boses ni Evah, it would be sound like this. She was speaking as if she was trying to point something out and I wasn't really in the mood. I just really wanted to rest and sleep. Sanay na ako sa tuwing ganito siya, she was like a big sister to me and if at some point I appreciated that, for now, I didn't want to think about it. Could she just let me retire for the day?

"Jetlag." I nonchalantly shrugged my shoulders, turning around to walk away for my well-deserved sleep.

"You're actually and seriously acting like Hanselle when she was two months pregnant, Em. You're exactly like her."

Freezing at my spot, though I could feel every fiber of my being surrendering to the shock as what Evah said was quick to impact my whole being. Kung may isang bagay man akong hinding-hindi ko magagawang i-deny kahit na gustuhin ko, ito iyon. Hindi dahil tinatanggap ko na possible, kung hindi dahil alam ko sa sarili kong i-deny ko man, iyon lang ang nakikita kong sagot sa mga pagbabagong nangyayari sa katawan ko.

Mabilis na rumehistro sa buong pagkatao ko ang sinabi niya. With my eyes wide in shock and my jaw dropped in bewilderment, I instantly turned around to stare at Evah. Of course she could be wrong, she could be just stating a possibility, just assuming but the way my heart was beating so fast it almost hurt, I knew that a possibility was most likely... most especially when that night with Jeon Jeongguk had happened.

The weird changes in my body, in my tastebuds, in my mood, those weren't just simple adjustments, they weren't just stupid coincidence... they were symptoms.

Oh my god, they're symptoms!

"Oh my gosh!" I horrifyingly said, my mind was achingly coping up with how my heart was reacting. It was piercing, not only making my head ache but making my heart bleed because of all the things that I was never ready for, pregnancy at this time of my life ranked first. Most especially pregnancy with Jeon Jeongguk.

Hindi pa nakatulong ang disappointment na malinaw kong nakikitang sumasalamin sa mga mata ni Evah. I didn't expect her to be happy, hell, if there was anyone who dreaded this aside from me, of course it would be her. And the way she was staring at me right now, it just added to the torture my bleeding heart was going through. I couldn't even think straight anymore, my mind was blanking, it was refusing to accept.

"Madalas ka ring mahilo sa Eve's, Em! That was why you're particular with your food, you like vegetables but you've never been particular. Mas gusto mo ang cucumbers nitong mga nakaraang araw, since when did you have your last period?" Evah was starting to lose it, and I couldn't cope up. I was internally panicking. Ni hindi pumasok sa isip ko ang posibilidad na buntis ako dahil lang sa mga pangyayaring iyon! Hell, pregnancy was the very last thing that I would think of! Lalo na at hindi ko kailanman i-eentertain ang ganoong klase ng kaisipan.

It could be the most possible answer to what I had been going through right now, I would never entertain the idea. There's just no way! It happened only once! No...

"Now that I think of it, delayed ako noong unang buwan pero hindi ko iyon pinansin kasi irregular ako pero... pero pangalawang buwan na ngayon," I answered, more likely to myself with the way the words were almost just a breath of air.

Maybe I was too caught in the way my mind was lost so I didn't see when Evah cut the distance between us with big steps, her hands painfully clutching my arms. "Em, this isn't a joke! What have you been doing?! Buntis ka, Em! My gosh!" She was already screaming at me, frantically shaking me as if everything would change if she did that. Oh, if only she knew how I hated myself now.

Bakit ba kasi kinailangan kong magpatupok sa init ng mga halik ng lalaking iyon? I was sober that night! And if I hadn't been that sane to stop him, I wished I had been sane enough to think about protection but no, I had to be weak... but no, because I had to be still so damn in love with him to the point of stupidly giving myself to him. I wished I had been so strong to restrain myself, I wished I had been smart to think that being in love with him was a mistake. He was a mistake, everything of this was happening because of a stupid mistake.

Just why would I have to be still in love with him? Just why was I so damn in love with him?

Maybe I had blanked out, maybe I didn't have the ability to think straight anymore because I just found myself being shaken by Evah, my eyes pathetically watering as my sobs became too loud for my own ears. I let my palms cover my messy face, my cries were what could only be heard all around the wide dining area. I was so heartbroken, not for the love I knew I would never try to pursue, but for the little bundle of life inside of me that I knew I could never give a life it deserved... I just wasn't fit for it, I didn't deserve it, I would never deserve it.

"Alam mo naman kung paano akong nasaktan noong malaman kong buntis si Hanselle, 'di ba? Kaya bakit... bakit ganito? Tell me, Em, please. Tell me, hindi siya. Sabihin mo sa aking hindi siya!" And Evah didn't really need to mention a name for me to understand who she was talking about. We both knew. She had actually tried to protect me from him, she had tried so much to make me stay away from him but who were we kidding here? That man could enter my life whenever he wanted, he didn't need permission from anyone even from me, because my life had always been a territory he owned.

Paulit-ulit ko mang itanggi iyon, mananatili iyong katotohanan. I could always built a wall around me, to protect me from him but it would only take a snap of his fingers for those walls to crumble down. Because he had me wrap in his palms.

To answer her pathetic, rhetorical question, I just continued to wail, looking like a pathetic heap on the floor, perfectly representing how broken my heart was.

"Shit! Shit, Em! Mapapatay ko talaga siya! Sinabihan ko na siyang lumayo sa'yo!" Evah screamed angrily before I felt myself being enclosed in between her arms.

"He... h-he's persistent. Katulad lang din s-siya ng lalaking m-mahal mo, Evah," I said in between hiccups, mentally laughing at how pathetically funny the situation was. It was funny how we were all tangled in the mess of those idols' life when we all had tried so much to cut any connections we had with them five years ago.

I trusted Hanselle that she wouldn't ever let herself go through a series of heartaches just for the man who had hurt her before even though that man was the father of her child, she was smart enough for that, and she might not say it, I knew her heart was still filled with resentment that it would take more time and effort to clear. I believed that Evah was mature enough to venture into a relationship she knew wouldn't hur her, and if she was strong enough to give second chances then maybe because she saw some potential, something worth risking again, she wouldn't just let herself get hurt again. Aly was safe, I wouldn't ever let her get sidetracked and fall into the bait of the same mistake again.

Kung kinakailangan kong personal na kausapin si Taehyung at bigyan ng warning, gagawin ko. I wouldn't let him touch even a single strand of Aly's hair. Hindi ko nagawang protektahan ang sarili ko, pero ipinapangako kong poprotektahan ko si Aly.

And yes, Jeon Jeongguk might have gotten me pregnant but it would only be that. Hindi ko rin iniisip na ilayo sa kaniya ang magiging baby namin. If he would know, which was something I didn't have control over then I would let him, for as long as he stayed as merely a father of my child, nothing more, nothing less.

I promised myself, and I never intended to break that promise.

I was never the religious type, but just this once, I wanted to pray for a fight that I knew I would never win, this was a losing battle for me but I still hoped. Kahit ngayon lang, mananalangin akong sana pakinggan ng nasa itaas ang tahimik kong panalangin. I wished this to be the one in my ten prayers to be answered, I wouldn't mind the other nine, they could go unheard for all I care but... just this one. Just this one.

Mahigpit na nagsara ang kamay ko sa bagay na nasa palad ko. And as the time passed, my heart withered in fear and disappointment. I was already holding one pregnancy test, it turned out positive but Evah said we couldn't just relay on one kit so she had me take another test and now, we were just waiting for the second one's result. And I had been whispering prayers.

I was not ready for a baby, I was not ready for this, I just didnt want to have anything to do with Jeon Jeongguk again.

From across the room, I knew Hanselle and Aly had been giving me worried stares but they chose to stay silent which helped a bit. Ayaw kong pati sila ay dumagdag pa. I would of course appreciate their concern but not now. My emotion was still very sensitive, I was in the midde of breaking. And it only took one disappointed glare from Evah for my resolves to completely break.

Evah showed us the kit that screamed at me how stupid I was, how wrong my decisions were. Paupo akong bumagsak sa sahig habang mahigpit na nakakuyom ang kamao sa naunang kit na nasa palad ko.

I was broken, so even though I knew Hanselle was beside me in seconds, whispering me her worries, I couldn't really pay attention to her. My mind was busy crazy scolding my heart because hell, despite how crazy everything was, I just couldn't deny this little pump of hope and happiness inside. Para saan? Para sa bata? Para kay Jeongguk?

Ugh Em, he has you bad, no?

"Em..." Aly's broken voice hurt me more, her voice was laced in disappointment, confusion and anger.

"Bullshit! This is pure bullshit!" Evah's voice was pure of anger and really, I couldn't blame her, even I was so mad at myself. Just how could I let something like this happened? And I wanted to say sorry, to apologize to them for this, for making the biggest mistake of following the stupid desire of my heart.

I wanted to apologize to them for falling in love again with Jeon Jeongguk... no, I wanted to apologize to them for failing to forget the only man I only ever let myself to love.

"Shit! Did you accept him already?!" Evah angrily screamed from across the room, her back on the opened door of the restroom. She was so mad, something she never often did. Ilang beses lang ba siyang nagtaas ng boses sa amin ni Aly? I couldn't even think of one instance when she did, or sometimes, if she was pissed, she would just stay silent about it until either I or Aly approached her for it. Never did she get this angry...

I raised her a helpess stare, my lips quiering as another set of tears streamed down my face. "No. That... that w-was just—"

"Dahil malalagot siya sa akin kapag nalaman kong pinilit ka niya, Em!" She cut me off aggressively, and while I understood where she was coming from, I couldn't just let her assume things according to what she only wanted to believe.

"Hindi Evah! Hindi niya ako pinilit! Gi-Ginusto ko iyong nangyari... I-Isang beses lang iyon at hindi ko alam na..." I sobbed loudly, feeling so small and weak under her judgemental stares. I mentally thanked Hanselle for being by my side, gently caressing my back, because at least, I didn't feel so alone in this. I would understand if Evah would be mad at me because I gave her that. Above anyone else, it was her who never fell short in protecting me from Jeon Jeongguk.

"Anong nangyayari? Anong pinag-uusapan niyo?"

I firmly closed my eyes. Oh please, not Aly. Having an angry Evah at my hands was enough, I wasn't trying to keep Aly in the dark but if she chose to get mad at me right, I wouldn't take it plus I was sure she wouldn't forgive me if she found out about Jeongguk.

"Girls, puwede bang saka na natin problemahin ang tungkol diyan? Em seriously needs a checkup," Hanselle said in a careful tone that made me utter a deep sigh in gratefulness.

I gave her a grateful smile though her image was blurry due to my tears. "I'm sorry, Hanselle."

Honestly, if this happened years ago, Hanselle would be the last person I would expect to be mature about this but then her experience had changed her. And above anyone in this room right now, she was the only person who could actually understand my current predicament. She had been here...

"No, no, it's fine. We need to make sure that you and the baby are fine," she answered kindly. Oh no, just what did I do in my past life to deserve my friends? To deserve someone like Hanselle?

I knew what this was. Katulad ko, nasaktan din si Hanselle noon. Actually, she had the most damage, I wouldn't go and say I got hurt the most because that's like downplaying Hanselle and Aly's pain before. She already made up her mind long time ago. She would never make the same mistake again, she would never let someone in her life again, someone who had done a lot of damage to her five years ago.

"No, I'm really s-sorry, Hanselle. Sinubukan kong layuan siya, pinagtabuyan ko siya, Hanselle, pero k-kasi natalo ako ng sarili kong nararamdaman." Yumuko ako dahil sa kahihiyan. We didn't really openly talk with each other what had happened before but we were all smart to understand that we wouldn't let ourseves get tangled with those people again... but here I was. Hell, look where I was.

I was carrying Jeon Jeongguk's offspring. Great!

"Sino, Em?"

God, I loved my friends, but I just really hoped Aly would let me go for now. Evah was already too silent, I thanked her for that. I shouldn't have forgotten that Aly was double of Evah when it came to being persistent, or if it came to anything. It wasn't like I could just tell her who, it wasn't like she wouldn't hate me for it. And I didn't need any of that right now. I need them... I would kneel in front of her if necessary just to ask for her forgiveness but god, not now.

I felt a pair of gentle palms cup my face and when I raised my gaze, I was again met by Hanselle's gentle and understanding smile. "Makakasama sa bata ang pag-iyak mo, Em. You should rest."

"I want to know, Em. Who is he?" Aly repeated in a much firmer voice now. Oh my god, I wanted to cry again. I was really gong to hurt her if she wouldn't stop. Hindi ko napigilan ang mga panibagong luhang naglandas sa pisngi ko nang mariin akong muling pumikit. "Em!" She loudly screamed that made me slightly finch.

"Aly, calm down—" Hanselle attempted to speak but was quickly cut off by Aly.

"No, Hanselle! I want to hear from her that what I have in mind is wrong! Tell me, Em! Who is he?!" She sounded so furious. When I said she was double as Evah, I wasn't exaggerating. Kahit si Hanselle ay mabilis na naitikom ang bibig dahil hindi pa talaga niya nakikita kung paano magalit si Aly.

"Aly, huwag ka nang sumabay." Evah, from across the room, chose to speak at the wrong time.

"Don't act like you haven't done something wrong too, Evah. May nililihim ka rin, alam ko!" Aly turned to throw Evah a glare.

I sighed deeply when I felt my skull acting up, hurting because of all the shouting. I could also feel my body demanding for rest, my eyes aching for sleep. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon nila piniling mangyari ito. I just wanted to rest, maybe beat myself up for everything, I didn't need any of this. Not now...

"Please, let's all calm dow—"

"It's Jeon Jeongguk." Pinutol ko sa mahinang tinig ang sinasabi ni Hanselle. And now that it was already out of my mouth, it felt even more real... it felt like I couldn't go back anymore to the night I gave myself to Jeongguk, it felt like I couldn't take back everything anymore. Everything was real. I was pregnant... with Jeon Jeongguk. "It's Jeongguk! I'm s-sorry! I... I really didn't mean to. I was just... just s-swayed!" My voice shattered, sobs tearing out of my throat for something I was never really ready for.

"You all disappoint me." Aly walked out of the room, the loud bang of the door was the manifestation of the ruins of our friendship.

I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry Aly for bringing us all again back to the past. I'm so sorry I was so stupid for falling in love with Jeon Jeongguk for the secont time around.