Chapter Eight

I had always been under the spotlight. My life was something people had always used to watch out for, I had had pairs of eyes on me ever since time immemorial. At my every single mistake, people were there to defend my action saying nobody's perfect so it was fine, at my every achievement, people were hot on my trail with their unending praises and compliments. Siguro kasi lumaki akong dala-dala iyong pagkataong mahal ng karamihan.

I had been loved because of the name I was bearing, and not for who I really was.

During my teens, I was popular for always being people's choice. Sa tuwing may mga events sa highschool, such as Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving, there wouldn't be a single day where I didn't have my arms full of presents from people, from admirers, from my friends, from teachers who had declared their favouritism of me and from strangers who just wanted to appreciate me. Sa tuwing may events sa bahay, such as Christmas and family reunions, our relatives would always make it a mission to drag me to their circle for a chat or for a bonding, be it my Titas, my Titos, or my cousins.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero noong malaman ko ang totoo kong pagkatao, unti-unti ko rin namang na-realize na baka kapalit lang iyon ng buhay na ibinigay sa akin.

I was leading someone's life, those people, those love and attention, it wasn't for me, it was for that someone I had robbed the great precious life from.

The spotlight wasn't mine because it was someone else's.

Kaya siguro may mga desisyon ako noon, na kahit na malabo para sa akin, tinuloy ko pa rin kasi kailangan ko iyon. I couldn't afford to continue living a life that wasn't mine in the first place. I wanted my own life, I wanted to prove them— or maybe myself that the love and attention I was getting wasn't because of the name I was bearing but because it was me, because I deserved them. I wanted my own spotlight.

That was why I was here. It was what brought me here.

Hawak ang kamay ng mga co-artists ko na nasa magkabilang gilid ko, may matamis at malapad na ngiti sa mga labi ko, hinayaan kong mag-bend forward ang katawan ko para sundin ang final bow namin. The bright lighting in the stage was almost blinding me that made it impossible for me to spot the audience in front, but the loud claps and cheers were what gave away that they were there. Hindi ko na kailangan pang makita isa-isa ang mga taong iyon para malamang dinagsa na naman ang teatro ngayong gabi.

Ber month kasi kaya maraming tao ngayon.

We stayed in a 90-degree bow while the pair of red huge curtains started closing until it completely shut us off from the audience. And when it did, I gently took my hands from the hands that were gripping them as I bowed to my colleagues, left and right. Ganoon din ang ginawa ng lahat. Hindi ako umalis ng entablado nang hindi nakakapag-bow sa lahat ng mga kasama kong matagumpay na natapos ang play para sa gabing ito.

Ah, not just a play. Ito iyong play na pinakapinaghandaan at hinintay naming lahat. Ito iyong play na halos ilang linggo naming pinag-ensayuhan at pinagbuhusan ng dugo't pawis dahil nakasalalay ang buhay ng ilang mga tao rito. The play was a 'for a cause' movement, the performance that had managed to collect thousands of won would be a help to those people in need. Isa pa, bukod doon, publicised din ang event ngayong gabi dahil may ilang malalaking pangalan sa showbiz ang involved.

"Omo, look at him! Let's ask him for a picture!"

"He's so handsome! His face, heol, so flawless!"

Habang abala ako sa pagbati at pagpuri sa mga katrabaho ko ay hindi ko mapigilang marinig ang bulungan ng ilang sa mga katrabaho ko.

My eyes subtly rolled to the direction of my two female colleagues who were obviously gawking at somewhere, that made me also look to where they were staring. Ngumuso ako nang makita ko si So Hanbyul na kausap ang stage director namin habang walang mintis sa pagbibigay ng matamis na ngiti sa mga taong bumabati sa kaniya, sa likod niya ay ang team niya na paniguradong nakabantay sa kaniya.

With just an elegant pair of black tuxedo and black pants, his mop of perfectly combed hair highlighting the perfect features of his smooth face, with those pair of chunky eyes and thin pink lips, I would have to agree with my colleagues that indeed, he was so handsome. He looked so fine, and with how he treated anyone, he was also very nice. Something a lot of actors nowadays lacked of.

The actor was one of the famous artists of HIT Entertainment, he had commercial offers and modelling scouts hot on his trail so it had seriously shocked all of us when he had accepted this play. He was one of the most sought actors nowadays so scouting him for this play was really the greatest idea our production manager had come up to. And yes, when he had accepted, we had all felt like everything was going to be fine. At hindi naman kami nagkamali roon.

The play was a success.

"Em-ah!" From still staring dumbly at the handsome actor, I turned around to see Jiwoo, one of my colleagues and somehow closest friends here. Ngumiti ako nang hinawakan niya ang kamay ko saka siya nagtatatalon, kumikislap ang mga mata sa tuwa. "We did it! I was so nervous earlier, I felt like something was going to go wrong! But we did it!"

"Of course, we did. We worked hard for it..." I said, though I tried to suppress my lips from smiling, with the happiness she was showing, I failed.

One of the things I so loved in this world was the happiness in the eyes of someone who was under a great success. Kasi paulit-ulit lang noong pinapatunayan sa akin na kailangan mo lang talagang pagtiyagaan ang isang bagay para makamit mo iyong success na pinakahinahangad mo.

In my case, or in our case, Jiwoo's success, the success of the all the people here right now was also my success. We had worked hard for it, and the fruition was so much sweeter.

"You know what this calls for?" Huminto siya sa pagtatalon saka nagpaskil nang mapaglarong ngisi sa mga labi, nagtaas-baba pa ang mga kilay na para bang inaasahan na niyang alam ko ang tinutukoy niya.

Of course, I knew.

Pinigilan ko ang magpaikot ng mga mata saka marahang binawi ang mga kamay ko mula sa kaniya. Often times, when my colleagues would invite me for a drink after work, I would always happily agreed. Sino bang tatanggi sa soju at grilled beef meat? Hindi ako, 'no! But you see, some things might have changed now, I couldn't just spend my free nights with them anymore. Bahagya kong muling nilingon ang kinaroroonan ni So Hanbyul kanina pero wala na siya roon at iyong mga staffs niya, maging iyong stage director namin.

Everyone already started dispersing from the stage, maybe wanting to continue the happy banter and sweet compliments to the dressing rooms. Aside from reporting to each of our team's meetings, we didn't have anything to do. Hindi kami magkasama ni Jiwoo sa iisang team dahil nasa musical team siya samantalang nasa general team naman ako pero kahit na ganoon ay malapit pa rin kami sa isa't isa. May mga pagkakataon kasing nagsasama ang mga teams namin sa iisang play.

And in this play all the teams were included.

Ngumuso ako nang maibalik ko sa kaniya ang atensiyon ko ay kumikislap ang mga mata niya habang hinihintay ang sagot ko. To be honest, I might come off as someone who was uptight by appearance, but deep inside, I was someone who was weak and soft for genuine innocence like what she was sporting to me right now. I was a weak for hopeful eyes... though I would have to take her offer down again because aside from I just had something I needed first to do, my night was already booked.

Hindi ko nga alam kung para saan kung bakit ako gustong maka-usap ng production manager namin, wala naman akong matandaang mali kong ginawa. I was actually one of the best actresses here at the theatre so if anything, I guessed she had something to tell me, something that was good news.

"Beef and beers..." I answered Jiwoo with a knowing smile before I sighed. "But not tonight, okay? I need to go see manager-nim first."

Hindi madaling makawala sa kaniya dahil talaga namang kinulit niya ako nang kinulit kung tungkol saan ang pag-uusapan namin ng production manager namin na paulit-ulit ko rin namang sinagot ng hindi ko alam. Before the play had started, I was told to immediately meet our production manager after the play.

"And you haven't been hanging out with me for like, a week? You always have things to do after work..." She crossed her arms in front of her chest in a huffing manner as she glared at me. Isang apologetic na ngiti lang ang isinagot ko sa kaniya dahil hindi naman ako puwedeng magbitaw ng promise sa kaniya para sa mga susunod pang gabi.

Luckily, Jiwoo's friends from the music team had managed to pull her away from me, that was after she made me promise to instantly call her after I talked to manager. Natatawang tumango na lang ako sa kaniya, pinipilit na ignorahin ang titig ng mga ka-team niya.

I wasn't really fond of a lot of people here at the theatre. Siguro kasi iba rin ang pakikitungo nila sa akin. I also wasn't the type of person who would leech on people who obviously didn't want my presence. Hindi ko rin naman sila masisisi kasi iba talaga ang mentality ng mga Korean, hindi nila ako katulad, iba ako sa kanila. They actually didn't like my race, it had been a discrimination I had been enduring ever since I had stepped foot here, and I understood because it was me who was trying to blend in. Hindi nila kailangang magustuhan ako.

It was actually the biggest turn of my life. For once in my life, I knew how it felt not to be loved, not to be wanted and appreciated. Kaya nga 'di ba ginawa ko ang lahat para bumagay ako? I did everything, lifted up my game and worked harder. I didn't need these people's validation, I just needed my own validation, I needed to show myself that I could be whoever I wanted myself to be.

Jiwoo was a nice friend, I accepted her into my life because she was genuine and sincere. There were also some people at the theatre I somehow considered friends, they were not abundant in number but it would suffice, because they had willingly given me the acceptance I was looking for.

On the way to the manager offices, I had to bow to every person I came across who also bowed back to me in parallel acknowledge. Ang iba ay nagsisimula nang mag-ayos sa stage dahil hindi dito nagtatapos ang buhay teatro namin.

Aside from the biggest play we had just successfully pulled off, we still had small plays that were scheduled for the next days. Hindi naman kami nauubusan ng scripts, sa mga manonood kami kinukulang. If not only for the passions that these theatre people had, then everyone could have left, looked for a different job that could give them a decent pay but then, it wasn't really about the money, it was about the love for acting, the love for showing people entertainment, the love for making other people smile.

As a sign of my arrival, I lightly knocked on the door and after hearing a faint answer that was telling me to come inside, I gently squeezed the doorknob before pushing it open. Sumalubong sa akin ang pamilyar na interior ng office ng production manager namin.

The room was a mixture of beige and brown with wooden furniture around the room, fixtures fixed on the walls and right at one corner of the room, there were several screens used for monitoring what was happening on the stage with a single keyboard with complicated keys that a normal keyboard doesn't have, beside that was a mini drawer where I knew manager-nim was keeping all the tapes classified by teams.

Medyo nagtaka pa ako nang makitang bukas ang screen ng nasa pinakagitna at pinakamalaking monitor, naka-pause iyon kaya agad kong nakilala ang aktres na nasa screen. It was actually me and from the colour of the wig I was wearing, from the style of my clothes, I recognised it as a recording of one of the plays I had joined.

Silently letting my eyes finally rolled to the location of manager-nim's desk where also a set of couches was placed, my brows just furrowed deeper when I saw that manager-nim wasn't alone.

She sat on her chair behind her desk, already looking at me while on the single couch just in front of her desk, a guy sporting nicely a pair of black and yellow striped jumper and black slacks, a black beret on his head with a pleased smile on his lips as he stared at me, sat comfortably.

The man's position was facing the screen. From the way the man sat, even without speaking or even moving, he looked like someone who was really good at talking to people. Hindi ko tuloy alam ang gagawin ko, kung sino ang una kong babatiin kaya halos umusal ako ng pasasalamat nang ngumiti si manager-nim.

"Em-ah! We've been waiting for you! Come and greet Oh Jang Guk-ssi first..." She even stood up, showing an abundant of giddiness as if the man was someone who should be respected. Ni hindi ko inaasahang makikita kong ganito kumilos si manager-nim. She actually held a lot of authority in the theatre because she was literally the next higher person after the president so most of the times, she carried a very intimidating air with her.

Without even standing up, or even stretching a hand to me, the guy smiled sweetly. "It's nice to finally meet you, Em-ssi. I've heard so many things about you and well, have also seen so many pleasing things you're capable of..." He didn't even wait for me to do as what manager-nim told me to do so in respect to his nice and polite approach towards me, I smiled back, reaching for his hand with a slight bow.

"Hello. Thank you, but who are you?" I tried to make my voice sound soft as to not appeal disrespectful because I didn't seriously know if not knowing him would offend him. It seemed like it wasn't the case because before shaking my hand, he thoughtfully pointed me the single couch across from him.

"What about you sit first, Em-ssi? I don't know if dropping formality with you would be a good idea but I definitely don't want to come off as impolite..." He shortly stopped as if giving me time to take a seat which I gladly took, subtly nodding at him to continue before I shortly spared manager-nim a glance, who only went back to sit, still with a sweet smile on her face. "I will introduce myself to you formally. My name's Oh Jang Guk, I'm the CEO of HIT Entertainment."

Gasping loudly, being choked in the process, I almost lost my cool and I hoped that if they noticed it, they wouldn't say something about it because hell, this man just told me that he was the CEO of HIT Entertainment, the company that was managing So Hanbyul and many more famous and successful artists in the showbiz industry nowadays.

Luckily, hindi naman nila iyon napansin, siguro maliban sa parang tangang panlalaki ng mga mata ko at pagkakalaglag ng panga ko dahil mahinang tumawa si Oh Jang Guk. To be honest, he shouldn't be just chuckling at me now because he didn't have any idea how I just freaking messed up everything. Nakakahiyang nasa mundo ako ng entertainment pero hindi ko siya kilala? I must have offended him!

"I know you're surprised, Em but Oh Jang Guk-ssi here wants to discuss some important matters with you and we need to know if you're willing to listen, and maybe, cooperate?" Manager-nim softly said, her voice soft and pampering as if she didn't want to further shock me. And how could I not, really? Hindi naman ako tanga, tatlong taon na ako sa teatro. I had seen colleagues leaving the theatre for being scouted by capable people in showbiz, I had witnessed colleagues leave for their passion because an even bigger opportunity had just opened up for them.

Hindi ko sinasabing pinangarap kong maging katulad nila. No, I had never actually dreamed of going any further because in the first place, what I was here for wasn't the passion for acting, I was here because of the place. I was here because this was where I had found shelter, this was where I had found people who could shortly show me acceptance even behind the persona I was playing. Though I could also bravely admit to myself that within those years, I had come to love what I was doing. That I was doing this not only because I needed a place where I could be anyone I wanted, through the years, I somehow found what I would be willing to do for the long run.

And as I was looking at the pair of fond eyes that was staring back at me, I knew that another place had just opened up to accept me. It was an opportunity that I knew I wouldn't want to waste.

"I'm... uh, I'm listening..." I uttered, still baffled but this time, all willing to lend ears for something good.

Smiling widely, Oh Jang Guk-ssi beamed at me before he quickly turned to business. "Seems like you're not only good at acting, you're also quick-witted to understand things. So I will get straight to the point, Em-ssi, I'm inviting you for an exclusive audition at HIT Entertainment, to be honest, you don't need to but to be fair, and for the sake of formality, I guess making you go through an audition wouldn't hurt. I will leave you my business card, along with one of my people to monitor you here before your audition. You're a hidden gem, you know that? I've seen your acting from the tapes that were sent to me, they're outstanding. You're the type of artist who doesn't need a long training to be able to perfect a single scene on the camera. And I hope, you consider my offer. For how much I want to be selfish, I also couldn't hold you back when other talent companies would come here for the same offer, but I will be very grateful if you choose to join my company."

While listening to everything he said, I couldn't help but giddily bask in the shower of compliments being raised to me, my heart happily fluttering in my chest because for once, that was the validation I had never known I needed. At hindi ko alam kung bakit iniisip niyang tatanggi ako gayong hindi pa nga niya sinasabi ang offer niya ay halos sunod-sunod na akong tumango. I wasn't stupid to decline such offer, and also, I doubted that other talent companies would seriously go here at the theatre to seek for me.

Halos hindi na rin ako makapaghintay nang magsimula na siyang kalikutin ang wallet niya. A big smile was already plastered on my lips, ready to accept the business card he was talking about. Hindi niya sinabi kung kailan ang audition pero sana ay bigyan niya ako ng panahon para makapag-ensayo ng eksenang ipapakita ko. He had said that I didn't need the audition since basically, I was already in but still, I wanted myself to be worth of this. I wanted to show them that I could do better live than those in tapes.

"Here, I won't pressure you but I'm hoping to see you grace my company's floors at the end of this week. Tomorrow, I'll send you the person I was talking about, he will monitor you and maybe give you tips about what the people in the company would want to see from you. Thank you for listening, and congratulations in advance..." He gently handed me an expensive looking business card, styled elegantly but with minimal designs. Tumayo siya pagkatapos habang naglalahad ng kamay.

I loved how it was 'congratulations' and not 'good luck'.

"Thank you so much for the offer. I promise to come to audition." I happily took his hand with my other hand that wasn't holding the business card before I bowed back at him.

Nang umalis na siya ay naiwan ako sa loob ng office kasama si manager-nim na matamis nang nakangiti sa akin. When she had told me her congratulations with her arms spread wide, I didn't deny her for a grateful hug. Lumabas ako ng office niya na sobrang saya, nagliliparan ang mga paru-paro sa tiyan. Hindi naman ako sinabihang ilihim ang tungkol sa nangyari pero pinili kong huwag na munang magsalita, saka halos lahat ng mga katrabaho ko ay magkakasamang lumabas para mag-celebrate kaya wala ng tao sa teatro maliban na lang sa mga backstage staffs.

I just told them my polite goodbye before I prepared my stuff to leave. I still needed to change back into my normal clothes since I was still wearing the clothes I wore for the ending scene of the play earlier. I was so happy that all the way out of the theatre, I was smiling widely, even skipping at my feet.

Nang tuluyan akong makalabas ay saka ko pa lang naalalang parating na pala ang winter kaya malamig na sa labas. And I was one hell of a fool for forgetting my jacket inside my locker. I actually personally hated cold, had always despised it whenever winter was near because my skin was thin and I easily got feel cold.

I sighed disappointingly at myself, scolding myself for not getting a grip just because I still couldn't stop my insides from beaming happily at what had happened earlier. I meant, I was just so happy? Ni hindi na rin ako makapaghintay na ibalita kay Aly at Evah ang tungkol dito, at baka puwede rin kaming uminom sa bahay para mag-celebrate. Oh my, can't wait!

I was about to turn around to go back inside the building for my jacket when from my peripheral vision, a very suspicious looking person stood by a wall, already staring at me with those familiar pair of chocolate eyes. Agad din namang naglakbay ang mga mata ko para pag-aralan ang anyo niya ngayon. At least, he was smartly wearing a black PUMA winter jacket that hung below his knees, covering his pair of black turtle neck shirt and black pants that had several complicated pockets. On his head was a black bucket hat that almost covered half of his face while a black thick mask was already covering the other half.

I unconsciously let my body tremble when a cold wind passed by me at the sight of his very comfortable covered figure. I must have been so happy that I seriously forgot about his nightly routine of picking me up from work so he could play around with me.

I had been too baffled about his sudden appearance into my life, that when one night I had found him lurking outside the theatre building, I had almost made him blow out his poor excuse of a cover and get him seen by the people who probably knew who he was. Though up until now, from the first night that was already a week ago, I still wondered why was he doing this for?

Except for I might already knew that answer, I just needed it to come from him. Ayaw kong mag-assume, lalo na sa isang katulad niya.

Eyes narrowing at his crouching figure at that one corner when I subtly saw a faint smoke of cold escape the sides of his mask, I lowly scoffed before I slowly turned around to walk towards him. At hindi ko man nakikita ang mga labi niya dahil sa suot niyang mask ay sigurado akong nakapaskil doon ang pout na madalas niyang ipakita sa akin kapag alam niyang pagagalitan ko siya. Really? What did he take his career for? A joke?

Nameywang ako nang marating ko ang harap niya kahit na nanuot na ng tuluyan ang lamig sa buong katawan ko. If you would only look nearer, you would see my skin reacting sensitive to the cold weather, I was just barely handling the cold. Pinagtaasan ko rin siya ng kilay para malaman niyang naghihintay ako ng sasabihin niya.

This kid was so brave for his own sake. Hindi ko talaga alam kung paano niya nahanap ang daan patungo sa akin... if not only because of the very first time he and his group had visited our home. That was where I had first met him, and was only followed by his many sudden visits here. I wasn't even very friendly to him the first nights, I would always scold him and tell him to leave me alone because let's all be real here, he was an idol, a member of a group I wasn't even fond of and having him following me like a puppy was something I could hardly comprehend.

The fact that he was risking his career just to see me every night was mortifying itself. And well, confusing.

"Noona, aren't you cold? Your clothes don't look warm and comfortable..." he softly said, voice gentle as if he was afraid to trigger something in me.

"What are you doing here again, Jeongguk-ssi?" I rhetorically asked him, uttering a deep sigh in the end because I was hella sure I knew what he would say. He wasn't really that hard to predict, most importantly when even before I let my guard down in front him, he had already done it first.

"You know already..." he lowly said, lowering his head to appeal shy and fragile which was the complete opposite when he was in front of the camera and performing. Plus I wouldn't forget that he would always get so dorky and quirky every time he was having fun around me.

Nagtaas ako ng kamay saka marahang tinapik ang ulo niya para ipakita sa kaniyang hindi naman ako galit, siguro disappointed lang kasi hindi niya naiisip na kahit naka-full disguise pa siya ay puwede pa rin siyang makilala ng mga tao. It might be a five percent possibility, it was still a possibility, could we really risk it? This part of Seoul was always crowded since lined up with the theatre building were other establishments that people went to.

Nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin ay sinalubong ako ng magaganda niyang mga tsokolateng mga mata.

One thing about Jeon Jeongguk that I wouldn't probably blatantly admit to him was that I was always drawn by his beautiful pair of chocolate eyes, they were always sparkling, always full of life as if they catered the story of everyone who looked at them.

Pinalandas ko ang kamay ko pababa sa kamay niya saka iyon pinagsalikop. His hand, just like usual, closed in on my soft one, fingers filling spaces that were meant to be filled as his eyes curved downward with cute wrinkles at both sides that gave me the hint that he was smiling behind his mask. Oh my god, he was so cute.

Imagine his litter fan girls— or even boys— going crazy every time he would smile like that? Kahit ang ilan sa mga colleagues ko sa teatro ay baliw na baliw rin sa karisma ng batang ito. Again, it was something I couldn't deny, he was charismatic, beautiful in his own way that even the stars above would bow in shame in respect to him.

"Come, let's get you out of here before people start to recognise you," I fondly said, lightly tugging at his hand so we would start walking, hand in hand like how he had made me used to.

"Wait noona, it's cold. Here, take my jacket—"

"Don't you dare take your jacket off, Jeongguk. I'm fine, you hand is warm enough so I'm fine." I made sure my voice sounded firm and unbreakable, tried so hard not let my body quiver because of cold.

Matagal muna niya akong tinitigan, at kapag ganito siya, para akong mababaliw dahil hindi ko gusto iyong pakiramdam na hindi ko alam ang iniisip niya. Sinanay niya akong mabilis na nababasa ang iniisip niya pero may mga pagkakataon talagang ganito siya.

Instance when he was being unexpected. And sweet.

With a loud squeak that was surely enough to gather attention, I felt my unprepared body get quickly pulled to his warm body, before I felt an arm slip around my waist, the cold that was sticking onto my skin instantly got traded with warmth. When I gasped, it was his comforting scent of baby power and musk that gave an idea of what he did. Malakas ang tibok ng puso ko, nakikipagkompetensiya sa lakas ng tibok ng puso niyang damang-dama ko sa likod ko.

He enclosed his arm safe around my waist as he let his jacket also cover my body, his breath was hot on the skin of my neck when he lowered his face to speak. "Then my jacket's huge, we can share, noona..."

Despite the frenzy in my chest and the mess in my stomach, I just gave him a soft hum, letting him walk us to the direction we were supposed to take.

I meant, he was the reason why I had to decline Jiwoo's invitation earlier. Because I knew to myself, I had been looking forward to this night with him all day.