Chapter Seven

If there was anything I wanted to see right now, it would be anything but the pulling pair of chocolate eyes that was staring down at me, the deepness of them were digging as if they desperately wanted to break an invisible wall that was stopping them from seeing the contents of my mind.

Kung ang mga matang iyon lang din pala ang bubungad sa akin pagdilat ng mga mata ko, parang gusto ko na lang ulit na ipikit ang mga mata ko at huwag nang magising pa.

I didn't even want to acknowledge the annoying presence of my fluttering heart seeing something primal from those chocolate eyes, it just didn't sit right with how stubborn my mind was. That though it strongly contradicted the nonstop things my heart was screaming, it also couldn't deny that I knew what that something was. Hindi na ako magpapaka-ipokrita dahil alam ko iyon. Alam ko rin kung bakit kahit anong pilit kong iwas sa kaniya, nahuhulog pa rin talaga ako sa pangyayari kung saan hindi ko na siya maiiwasan pa.

I had always known how stubborn and headstrong Jeon Jeongguk was, that if he had his eyes on something, he wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted. At kung plano man niya ang lahat ng ito, ang lahat ng mga pagkakataong nagkrus ang mga landas namin, hindi ko na alam kung paano pa iiwas.

It was futile and useless because he would always find his way.

Despite the numbing feeling I was feeling, my throat and my lips feeling dry, and my eyes threatening to fall again, I managed to roll my eyes at him. The distance of his smooth handsome face from mine was was due to him leaning down on me, it seriously blocked me from seeing the room because all my eyes could see was only him. At what I did, his eyes wavered before he uttered a deep sigh, gently leaning away from me that made me mirror the sigh he did.

Mukhang binabantayan niya ang paggising ko.

Saka pa lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong pagmasdan ang silid na kinaroroonan ko. I couldn't smell anything like medicine or anything that would give me an impression of a hospital, the room wasn't even the usual white clean room I often saw when visiting medical facilities. And from how cozy I felt with the soft bed against my back, I was sure I wasn't laying on a hospital bed, I couldn't even feel needles on my wrist. If anything, the room smelled like the mixture of the citrusy scent of an air-freshener and a subtle scent of musk and baby powder. I wouldn't ever admit how the scent relaxed my restless heart.

The room wasn't a VIP room at some hospital, with the monochromatic interior, furniture placed according to someone's taste, all my eyes could see was the hues of grays, dark and light combined. It wasn't even a combination that appealed to me. They didn't blend each other well since I never wanted dark and dull colours but ironically, the room wasn't anything but pleasing... and calming.

So where was I?

I could have taken my time, let my eyes marvel at the unfamiliar yet gorgeous room when I heard someone clear their throat. Hindi ko kinakalimutan ang presensiya, nanghihina pa kasi ako kaya pakiramdam ko, wala pa akong lakas para harapin siya. So I refused to turn my head to look at him, instead I tightly shut my eyes, letting my mind have the memories of what had happened before I found myself here.

He was smart to understand that I was ignoring him but stubborn enough to still strike a conversation.

"How do you feel?" His voice was laced with that something within his eyes, it was cunning because I didn't want to believe anymore, I didn't want to trust again.

"Where am I?" I asked back, finally having my strength back because my hands managed to move, moving to the soft duvet on top of me that was drowning my body. It smelled like citrus too, and well, Jeongguk's natural baby and musk scent so I guessed, I might already have an idea about the place.

Just how did I end up here?

I was at the Seoul train station earlier... or was it still earlier? Ilang oras ba akong walang malay? If then, then why I was here and not in a hospital? I meant, I just didn't really want to have a long conversation with this jerk so I didn't want to ask him all of that. Isa pa, sina Evah at Chan, I was supposed to fetch them.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw him move to stand properly with his hands dipping into the pockets of whatever bottoms he was wearing. I clutched the comforter, feeling my heart slowly taking over at the very idea that he was here with me, and the concern that reflected his eyes earlier and the worry that dragged at the tone of his voice was striking.

I never wanted my heart to be the lead again, and I was afraid, just like before, I would be too weak to control it. Just why my did my heart have so much control over me? Just why when it was the stupidest thing I ever had?

"You're in my room. Evah noona said you're currently on a break and taking you to the hospital would be a bad idea. Not when reporters and the media are hot on your trail..." he softly answered, obviously unaware how I failed to catch up at the other things he had said because what only appealed to me was the confirmation that I was really in his room... and I was on top of his bed. "She already had you checked, she said there's nothing wrong with your health and you're just probably exhausted."

Exhausted? I had been doing nothing aside from sleeping and eating ever since I got my break, so I was confused. Wala namang sumasakit sa akin—well, aside from the short contraction in my stomach the last time I remembered, hindi ko alam kung may injury ba ako dahil sa pagkakahimatay ko pero mukhang wala naman. I didn't feel anything wrong about my body... well, except from the way my stomach was already screaming for food, other than that, nothing. I felt completely okay.

I mentally shook my head, throwing away such thoughts because honestly, too much thinking these days was stressing me. The room had no windows so I didn't have any idea if there was still a sun outside. I prompted my elbows on the bed as I lamely pushed myself up... okay, maybe, I felt a little bit tired, like my limbs felt so weak. Nang maramdaman ko ang pares ng maiinit na palad sa mga balikat ko ay mabilis ko siyang nilingon. A scowl was already on my face, the glare I threw him almost hurt my eyes but it was worth it because he instantly stepped back with his hands raised beside his head.

"Don't touch me!" I angrily screamed at him.

Nanlalaki ang mga matang sinalubong niya ang galit kong mga mata. "Was just trying to help you..." he softly said, tone was careful as if the last thing he wanted was to push me to my limit.

Funny, because he had already pushed me to my limit so many years ago.

"I don't need your help, Jeon Jeongguk-ssi. I'm capable." Umirap ako saka inis na hinawi ang comforter sa katawan ko. Hindi ko alam kung may mas ikagagalit pa ba ako, o kung posible iyon, siguro oo dahil halos umusok ang ilong ko sa galit nang makita ko ang suot ko. Being in his room, on top of his bed, and surrounded by his duvet was one thing, but wearing his damn clothes? "What the hell, Jeongguk?!" I angrily screamed for the second time, ignoring the shameless fluttering of my heart and the helpless heating of my cheeks.

Kung nasa ibang sitwasyon lang sana kami pareho, baka natawa na ako sa mas panlalaki pa ng mga mata niya. I had never seen him in so much panic before and only if I could record him right now, with his raised hands in defense as if he was in surrender and the nonstop movement of his head in denial, I was sure his fans would love to see this side of him. But no, I was not here to have fun with him, I was not here to be just kidding around with him. Hell, I wasn't even happy that I was here in his room, that he was here in front of me. Being as shameless as ever.

"It was Evah noona's idea! You have to believe me, noona!" He attempted to save himself but no, I was not having his excuses. Alam naming pareho na hindi ko nagugustuhan ang lahat ng ito. I didn't even know why I had to change into another clothes!

I didn't want to entertain my fluttering heart! I didn't want to even acknowledge the fact that his musk and baby powder scent was much more prominent now in his clothes, it was clinging to my nose. Napansin kong isang malaking itim na jumper ang pang-itaas ko. Sa sobrang laki nito, halos hindi ko na makita ang mga makukulay kong kuko dahil nilulunod ng cuffs nito ang buong mga kamay ko. The round neckline didn't even succeed in hiding my collarbones, and for godsake, the end of it was long enough that Evah didn't even mind making me wear something for my bottom half. Umabot sa itaas ng tuhod ko ang dulo ng jumper.

This was so embarrassing...

Ilang malalalim na buntong-hininga ang sinubukan kong pakawalan para kalmahin ang sarili ko. I was just barely holding myself from jumping at him and pulling at his hair, it wouldn't seriously end well for him. Dahan-dahan kong kinuha ang comforter saka muling itinakip sa katawan ko. I couldn't get off the bed wearing only his jumper. Nilingon ko siya pagkatapos, the jerk was just staring dumbly at me, as if he was only waiting for anything I would do.

Jerk. Jerk. Jerk.

"Stop staring! Where are my clothes? And please, I need Evah..." I didn't know if it was the frustration or because of the confusing quick changing of my mood, I wasn't actually easy to rile up, but for some unknown reason, this jerk was getting the best of my emotions. They were changing quickly and it was making me crazy.

The first tear that fell from my eyes was quickly followed by many, my throat then exploding into a sob. I felt so stupid and weak crying in front of him but what could I do? I felt so helpless and embarrassed! Pakiramdam ko, talong-talo ako. Na iyong mga pinaghirapan kong pag-iwas sa kaniya noon, nawalan din ng silbi dahil nandito ako ngayon, hinang-hina sa presensiya niya. Just how could I let myself be vulnerable in front of him again? The hell with how my heart was being so familiarly soft again for him?!

"Em..." he uttered in an unsure tone, the soft sound of his sole on the ground was loud enough for me to be able to stop him but I didn't, instead I just cried as I let him finally cut the distance between us. "Can... can I please hold you?"

At bakit ba niya ako tinatanong niyan? Siyempre hindi ko siya papayagan pero dahil wala akong lakas ng loob na sagutin siya, kinuha niya iyon bilang hudyat na pumapayag ako.

Slowly and carefully, with gentle hands, he brought a hand on my cheek, letting his long soft fingers futilely wipe the tears that wet my skin. Ganyan naman talaga siya. He never listened to me, even before, five years ago, he would always go the way he had wanted. He always had his own rules, he always had his own ways. He didn't easily accept rejection, not because he didn't respect anyone's opinion and space, but because he couldn't accept losing without a fight.

"I'll bring Evah noona here, but first, stop crying." This time, he also brought his other hand so he was already cupping my face, the long fingers that worked on my tears felt so softly familiar. "I can't afford to see the strongest woman I know crying."

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na simula nang mawala sa mga pisngi ko ang mga kamay niya. I had even mentally whimpered at the lost of the warmth his touches brought while my heart had savoured the last things he had said to me, letting it get to my mind.

Jeon Jeongguk didn't appeal to me as someone who was always deep in words when it came to his emotions. He never did. He was the kind to let his emotions drive him, the kind of person who liked the simplicity of everything. Even before, he had always chased after me because he thought, it was the simplest way to follow his emotions. He had never put a deep thought on it, so when he had disappeared, I wasn't surprised.

Hurt but not surprised, because I had known, with how quick he had found his way to me, it wouldn't be hard for him to find his way out.

Tahimik lang ako habang pinalalaruan ko ang dulo ng comforter na nasa ibabaw ng mga hita ko. I didn't want this. I had managed to stay away from him for five years, so what flawed now? What went wrong? Shouldn't I have just gone to Anna's birthday? But she was my friend. And if Jeongguk was so persistent to make our paths cross, it would happen at any given circumstances.

It was Jeon Jeongguk, he would always find ways.

Siguro nga magandang ideya na lumayo muna. The plan of bringing Chan to the Philippines just only attracted me now that I wanted to escape, to run away, to stay as far as possible away from Jeon Jeongguk. Baliw siya kung maging sa Pilipinas ay magagawa niya akong sundan. Not of course with his career on the line. Kung mayroon mang bagay na makakapigil sa kaniya, it would be his career, like what had happened five years ago.

I guessed I would have to come back to all the things I had ran away from before... in order to run away from someone again.

When Evah had explained to me what had happened, though I didn't like how she had made me wear Jeongguk's cloth, I had forgiven her because she didn't mean bad thing about it. She was only thinking about me. Nahirapan nga sila dahil mabilis ang aksiyon ng mga reporters sa Seoul station kanina, pero thankful naman na kahit na may nakakilala sa akin ay wala namang nakakilala kay Jeon Jeongguk. It was, indeed, Evah's idea not to bring me to the hospital so it wouldn't stir an issue, plus she had made sure that nothing was wrong with me.

Chan was cutely blabbering about how she was so worried about me and that she would give me some of the chocolates her grandparents had bought for her. The kid was so adorable and innocent. Kung sana lang ganoon lang kasimple lahat. Na magagawang pagaanin ng simpleng chocolate lang ang nararamdam ko.

It was futile but somehow, the little girl had helped.

Kahit na guilty ako dahil mukhang ayaw pang umuwi ni Evah at tila gusto pang makasama ang boyfriend niya, wala akong nagawa dahil gusto ko nang umuwi. I had desperately wanted to go home because being in the same place with Jeon Jeongguk was becoming a struggle. I just couldn't act normal with him around, not when just nights ago, we were so intimate with each other. Hindi ko pa rin tanggap sa sarili ko na binigay ko sa kaniya iyon.

It was such a very intimate part of me, he wasn't even my boyfriend, not even my ex...

In exchange, I didn't say anything when Kim Namjoon had offered to drive us home. Lumipad talaga kay Jeongguk ang mga mata ko nang mag-offer si Namjoon. And from the way he shook his head, I couldn't deny the disappointment that washed over me. "I have things to do at the building, hyung. Be careful driving." And from the way he turned around, shoulders sagged as he walked away to leave... I almost bruised my lower lip from how tight I was biting at it because I couldn't understand.

He didn't insist... and I hated how my stupid heart was negative about it. What changed? Bakit nitong mga nakaraang araw halos araw-araw siyang lumilitaw sa harap ko? And now he was acting like someone who had so many things to do? Bakit hindi niya ginawa iyan nitong mga nakaraang araw? I would have highly appreciated it.

To hell with him and his excuses anyway, I just hoped he would be too busy to the point that he couldn't play around anymore, to the point that he couldn't appear in front of me anymore.

"Tita Em, I met someone!" Inside the car, the only life was Chan's adorable stories. "Jimin oppa is Jigs samcheon's older brother, he bought me ice cream and played with me! He also let me eat a lot of chocolates, even bought me some! He said he knows you, and Tita Evah, and Tita Aly! He knows Tito Bien too!"

"Really? Did you play a lot?" I didn't want to indulge her and make her talk more about her meeting with Jimin but the glint in her eyes was something I had never seen in her eyes before. She was happy, and I guessed, for as long as Hanselle was unaware, I was willing to let Chan feel this kind of things with her father. Hindi rin naman alam ng bata.

It was harmless. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

She eagerly nodded her head, clearly still having a lot of stories to tell under her sleeves. She just talked and talked about what had happened at her visit to her grandparents, with Evah and Namjoon answering at the side. Ganoon hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay. We didn't invite Namjoon because Aly was already home. Hindi natuloy ang dinner namin kaya nasa bahay na siya. Evah had already filled her in, of course, with some lies that I hoped she wouldn't get too angry at us when she found out.

It was already past dinner anyway so I just went directly to my room to take a rest, in fact, rest was impossible now that I had a lot going on in my mind. With 'a lot', I meant, Jeon Jeongguk and everything he was making me feel.

With a contented sigh, I zip-closed my stroller that was laying down on my bed after I made sure that everything I put inside was all that I needed. For my personal stuff like phone, wallet and makeup kit, I had my night blue shoulder bag for them. I didn't have to bring a lot of clothes since I had decided that I could just buy new clothes, plus I was sure, I wouldn't have to stay long at Hanselle's house in Manila. I was thinking of going back home to my family.

Before, I had promised myself that I would go back to the Philippines baring the identity— if not my real identity— then the one I would be making for myself. It wasn't also like I was stripping myself off the Emerald Ricaforte I had used to be, I was just being fair to myself by giving myself the chance to become what I really wanted to become. It was Em and Emi, the persona I had made myself into. Also, to be fair to the real Emerald Ricaforte, the one I had robbed the identity from. At kung nasaan man siya ngayon, gusto kong malaman niya na sobrang ganda ng buhay na ibinigay sa akin ng pagkatao niyang iyon.

I wanted to thank her for not being here anymore because I had had my loving Papa and my precious little brother, Ion. I was so much grateful to her for being gone because the life she had left behind had given me so much, more than I could had asked for. Hindi ko rin pinagsisisihan na umalis ako noon, dahil kung hindi ko ginawa iyon, hindi ko mararanasan ang buhay na ito ngayon. I wouldn't have my friends, the career that had taken care of me for years and fans that never failed to show their love to me.

Siyempre excited si Chan nang malamang aalis kami, na sasakay kami ng eroplano pero mabilis din namang nawala ang excitement niya nang malamang hindi sasama sa amin ang Uncle Bien niya. The poor former idol had had to seriously talk her through it for hours just so she would understand the situation, I guessed with little promises that only she and Bien knew.

"We only have an hour before our flight get called, don't take too long..." Evah reminded me when I told her I had to go somewhere around to meet Eura unnie, her eyes shortly sparing Chan and Bien who weren't still done talking, and Aly who was busy with her phone. I had to assure her that I would be back quickly since I didn't plan to chat long with Eura unnie.

I hadn't told anything to Eura unnie about my sudden decision so when I had called her earlier to inform her about me being at the airport, she had literally lost it and screamed at me for being careless and irresponsible because she said, I should have told her about this yesterday. She had told me that she would need to see me so I had agreed when she said she would meet me.

Luckily, since the airport stuff knew about me being here— which they were keeping a secret from the people, that I had seriously thanked for, I managed to request for a small VIP lounge, actually just a booth where I could privately talk to my manager.

Tinext ko na lang sa kaniya ang eksaktong lokasyon kung saan kami magkikita saka ako sumunod na sa airport staff na maghahatid sa akin sa VIP booth. The path we took was deserted but to make sure, I wore a black mask and a beret hat to match my white fitted crop-top round neck shirt and black ripped jeans, my black Timberland boots looked heavy but perfectly complemented my whole appearance.

The location wasn't really that far from the VIP lounge, so I guessed I wouldn't need the airport staff when coming back.

"We'll just inform you of your company arrival..." Bahagyang yumuko sa akin ang airport staff, isang simpleng thank you lang ang isinagot ko bago siya umalis.

While waiting, I just busied myself with scrolling through social media, I had my fair share of accounts but I only personally used my Instagram account since my Twitter and Facebook accounts were both managed by my company.

There were times that I used my Twitter but only when I was asked to post this and that, or if I had to promote a co-artist supported by my company. Instagram lang talaga ang tanging social media na pinayagan akong personal na gumamit pero kahit na ganoon, kailangan ko pa rin ng approval ni Eura unnie sa kada picture na ipo-post ko. So now that I wasn't in the clutch of my company anymore, I took a selfie with my infamous pout— like all of my usual selfies, and posted it on Instagram. Hindi ako naglagay ng caption because I wasn't really one who knew so much about words.

Nakatanggap din ako ng ilang text messages from my friends, celebrity friends and one of them was Yohan Cha. He would actually casually text me over nothing, just asking how I did during the day, or the simple meal questions. I replied to some of them, including Yohan Cha's message.

Hindi ko na napansin kung ilang minuto na akong naghihintay sa loob ng booth nang makarinig ako ng ilang katok sa pinto. I set aside my phone to welcome Eura unnie with a small smile only to drop my jaw when what I saw by the door was not my manager. Far.

With his familiar bulk body— that I could still frustratingly feel against mine over the days and nights that had passed— the locks of his raven hair that weren't hidden by the black bucket hat he was wearing and those pair of black baggy shirt and black army jeans, though half of his face was covered with black mask... his pair of deep chocolate eyes still found my shocked ones.

It made my heart unbelievably soared high, waking the sleeping butterflies up in my stomach.

I didn't know since when I had stopped questioning why Jeon Jeongguk was always appearing in front of my eyes at every unexpected time, while I was so unprepared. Basta ang alam ko, hindi ko nagugustuhan ang kakaibang pakiramdam na naidudulot sa akin ng presensiya niya. It was familiar. So damn familiar that I was afraid, I was being sucked back into the past... where I was so damn defenceless and vulnerable to resist him.

Who would want to go back? Not me.

"What... what a-are you doing here?" I asked in both disbelief and confusion. I thought back to Evah and contemplated if it was possible that my friend had told her boyfriend about our departure that was why Jeon Jeongguk was here again, but how did he find me?

"Securing what I should have protected back then..." he said vaguely as if I was out here, enjoying doing riddles with him. The way his baritone voice dragged every word, it sounded like a chance would possibly slip from him and there was no way he would let it.

I stood still, frozen in my ground, still looking at his very beautiful form. I wouldn't forget that his fans always loved the way he sported his fashion for their every airport appearance, and I would also honestly admit that I had gawked at Aly's phone before staring at his photo where he was at the airport looking so gorgeous though that photo of him was only him looking sleepy. Kung mayroon man akong ikina-proud sa sarili ko noon— o baka hanggang ngayon— iyon ay nang mahulog ako sa kaniya.

Jeon Jeongguk was a standard, someone who could effortlessly sweep anyone's off their feet.

At kung iyong gabing ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang sarili ko ang siyang pinakamalaking pagkakamaling nagawa ko, sa tingin ko hindi na ako talo. I would be honest again, because I knew to myself, if it wasn't Jeon Jeongguk then sex be damned, I would rather be virgin until my last breath. He actually made that mistake sweeter than anything in this world.

Pinanood ko nang dahan-dahang niyang pinutol ang distansya sa pagitan namin, isinisigaw ng utak kong muli na naman akong nagpapadala sa katangahang naging dahilan kung bakit ako nasaktan noon pero hindi kayang sumunod ng katawan ko. I could have actually just thrown a tantrum again, show him how I despised his presence right now but that would be like lying to myself because deep inside me, I knew everything in me was dying for his touch.

It was stupid, really.

It seriously just took one night, one sex for me to let my walls tumble down again for him.

I let my eyes slowly flutter close when I saw him raise his hands, the feeling of his soft and warm palms on my cheeks almost made me utter a pathetic whine because hell be damned, that felt good, that felt freaking good. Hinayaan ko rin namang yumuko siya sa akin para marahang pag-untugin ang mga noo namin, damang-dama ko sa mukha ko ang malamig at mabangong singaw ng bibig niya na humahalo sa natural niyang bango, mixture of baby and musk scent wrapped around me like blanket.

"I don't know what changed... but I'm glad you're letting me hold you like this again." Narinig kong sabi niya na bahagyang nagpangiti sa akin. I was never the easy one, if there was a way I could make anyone work for what I wanted, I would. Kahit noon, five years ago, it wasn't easy for him to get my soft side.

He had had to go through such lengths just so I could ease up with him. I had never liked their group so it wasn't easy for him.

"Nothing changed, but I'm leaving so I guess, a ceasefire is good." I hummed through my words, letting that poor of an excuse to justify my action because I still wasn't ready to vocally admit to him that once again, I was becoming soft for him.

"Hm, Joon hyung is only working on some things but when done, we'll be coming for you... " He spilled, if only I didn't know him, I would be surprised but I did know him. Mas masusurpresa ako kung wala siyang gagawin.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe yes people change, but in Jeon Jeongguk's case, when it came to me, nothing really had changed. Right now, the man that was affectionately holding me was the perfect memory of the same kid, of the same Jeon Jeongguk I had had years ago. The same guy I had let to hold, to caress and to crush my heart before.

He was the Jeon Jeongguk I had loved before... the same one I might still be loving until now.