Chapter One

At this point in my life, there was nothing I could still ask for other than a reconciliation with the people I had left and had wronged in the past.

I know, it took me eight straight long years upon realising that there was no point in finding what was missing and what was not here, when people in my life before were all very willing to accept and see me as what I was and what I had become. It's time for me to go back to my old life and just live peacefully with the people I love.

Agad kong itinaas ang kanang kamay ko para makipag-apir kay Chan matapos namin makumpleto ang nilalaro naming Solitaire sa tablet niyang niregalo sa kaniya ni Uncle Bien niya. Kaya hindi ako na-gi-guilty na ibigay sa kaniya ang mga luho niya dahil lahat ng taong nakapaligid sa kaniya, ganoon din ang ginagawa.

Her mother, Hanselle, might all restrict us from spoiling her daughter but I knew deep inside her motherly heart, she was also very willing to spoil her daughter and give her the world, or even more than this world could offer...because Park Hyechan deserved everything.

"Tita Em, we beat again our last highest score!" tuwang-tuwang sabi ni Chan nang makita naming may panibagong score ang nasa pinakatuktok ng score list at pumangalawa na lang ang huli naming highest score. Maingat na nilapag niya sa nakatuwid niyang mga binti ang tablet niya para itaas ang maliit at payat niyang mga braso para salubungin ang kamay ko. Her pair of pink and plump small lips stretched into an innocent sweet smile.

Her jerk of a father had really injected his freaking strong genes to Chan for her to have a pair of small eyes, small pointed nose and pink plump lips just like her father's. Talagang pinaghatian siya ng mga magulang niya dahil nakuha naman niya ang ugali ni Hanselle, stubborn and very picky. Oh, and maarte, I might add.

Her super black and curly short hair was still a big question for all of us though. Si Evah lang ang kulot sa amin noong pinagbubuntis pa ni Hanselle si Chan pero hindi genetic ang pagiging kulot ni Evah, it was fixed and repaired. Kaya't palaisipan sa aming lahat kung kanino niya namana ang kulot niyang buhok.

It was actually very beautiful, it suited her.

"Of course, what do you wanna get then? I promised you, I'll give you a gift if we beat our highest score, right?" nakangiti kong sabi sa kaniya nang matandaan kong pinangakuan ko nga pala siyang ibibigay ko ang kahit na anong gusto niya kapag na-beat namin ang highest score namin.

I had a busy life, my career just demanded almost all of my time so I really treasured moments like this with her. Ang paglalaro ng Solitaire rito sa living room ng bahay nila ang pinaka-bonding namin. Pinipilit ko talagang isingit ang pagpunta rito sa kanila para lang makalaro siya.

Her pretty eyes twinkled at my mention of gift. Chan deserved the world. She deserved to be spoiled. She deserved to get all of the luxuries that life could give her because she had been deprived.

"Hm, let's go out, Tita Em! Tito Bien's busy so he couldn't come..." Her high-pitched voice toned down a bit when she mentioned Bien but then immediately went back to being enthusiastic as she continued. "My classmates have been telling me how happy they were going out to mall! Let's go out and eat and play and buy many toys!" She giddily told me, excitement filling up her voice.

I could really imagine all the happy things clouding her innocent mind through her sparkling and hopeful pair of small eyes. Could I really resist this precious baby?

Napawi ang ngiti ko dahil sa sinabi niya. When I said she had been deprived, I just didn't mean material things, she had it. I'm telling you, material things weren't the issue. She had been deprived of bigger things, the chance to meet her father, first and foremost. Kung ako ang nasa sitwasyon ni Hanselle noon, nasisiguro kong gagawin ko rin ang kung anong ginawa niya, kaya hindi ko siya masisisi kung bakit naging ganito sila ni Chan ngayon.

It was for Chan. She might deserve to meet her father at the very least, but not when her father had already chosen not to meet her. He had deprived her the chance. She deserved her father, but Park Jimin didn't deserve her, not even a slight bit of her very precious existence. Second, the chance of being a normal kid, having two parents, going out to malls or parks to bond and telling her classmates how happy she was about it. It was not only Hanselle who had deprived her those things, her jerk of a father too.

Jerk... just like all of them. They were a bunch of jerks, after getting what they wanted, after getting us crazy over them, just like how of a jerks they were, they had left us.

Oh, Em! Enough of it! Limang taon na ang lumipas, not that being with him for months already inflicted so much attachment to you, to him!

"Tita, we'll go to the mall, right? We'll play and eat and buy toys, right?" Ang umaasa at inosenteng boses ni Chan ang pumutol sa takbo ng isipan ko.

I sadly stared down at her only to see hope shading her pair of small dark eyes that were almost missing due to her wide smile. Parang may tumutusok sa puso ko habang nakatitig ako sa kaniya. Also I said, I was willing to give her the world, only there were restrictions and limitations. Kaya kong ibigay sa kaniya ang lahat ng mga materyal na bagay na hihingin niya sa akin, my love and my time the most, but not this one. I couldn't give this to her.

I hardly bit my lower lip to suppress a sad smile. I didn't want to wipe that innocent and hopeful smile on her lips but I needed to. I had to.

I'm so sorry, baby girl.

"Chanie, you know Tita Em can't go out. You also know, Tita Em often appears on TV, right?" I tried so hard to sound so soft for her to understand me. It was not easy to take down her requests and caprices, it took a heartbreak and my heart was just too soft for her. "People know me. Tita can't go out 'cause people might see me and they will swarm around me, they will start messing with me. Do you understand, right?" Pagtatapos ko habang banayad na hinahaplos ko ang likod niya.

Her sweet innocent smile quickly vanished as her pair of plump lips slowly curved downward for a frown and her eyes fell disappointed that ripped my heart even more.

Isa sa mga pinaka-ayaw kong makita ay ang malungkot na Chan. Ever since she had come to our life, mas nabigyang halaga ang lahat ng mga ginagawa ko, namin. I was so thankful to Hanselle before for giving us an angel who had lightened our lives from the darkness we had gone from. Who had healed our wounds from the failed love we had been. Who had given hope to our misleading life from the stupid mistakes we had done.

She was our sunshine and I didn't want her sad.

"But hey baby, I have good news!" bawi ko para pagaanin ang loob niya. Nag-angat siya ng tingin at nag-abang sa sasabihin ko. "Your mother's coming!" I spilled, giggling but it never comforted her.

Bukas na ang ribbon cutting event para sa new branch ng Eve's na pamamahalaan ni Aly. Pumayag akong ibigay kay Aly iyon dahil hindi ko naman kakayanin ang humawak ng isang branch dahil sa career ko. Actually, nahahati ang responsibility ko. Gusto kong mag-hands on sa Eve's, gusto kong mag-fulltime ang kaso ay hindi ko ma-iwan-iwan ang pag-a-artista.

It had been my companion in this messy life. Hindi ko pinangarap ang sumikat, hindi ko pinangarap na maging artista, I was more of a business-minded person, but that was when I was still in the Philippines and living the life I had thought was mine. In order to forget, I needed to do things far from what I had been doing back then. And showbiz accepted me for who I really was.

Nang maka-video call namin si Hanselle kanina bago ang dinner ay sinabi niyang bukas na bukas din ay lilipad na siya pa-Korea. She wanted to be here. She wasn't really needed at Eve's so it was okay if she wouldn't come but of course, Eve's wasn't the main reason why she would be flying, she wanted to see her daughter that she hadn't seen for almost a year.

I didn't want to feel pity for her, for Hanselle but I couldn't help it. Selfish na kung selfish, pero nagpapasalamat akong hindi sa akin nangyari ang ganoon. I couldn't afford to have a child without a father. Sisiguraduhin kong kasal ako kapag nagkaanak ako.

I'm sorry, Hanselle, though I'm really thankful to you for bringing us your daughter...

We all clapped proudly when Aly finally scissored the red ribbon, much to her delight because Evah wanted the ribbon coloured in white since it was the main color of Eve's, pero dahil para naman kay Aly ang Eve's Incheon ay pinagbigyan siya ni Evah sa kagustuhan niyang red ribbon ang gamitin gayong parehong puting ribbon ang ginamit sa main branch na nasa Seoul at sa Manila branch.

Matapos ang event na iyon ay siyempre, in-entertain namin ang ilang malalaking bisita, some of them brought gifts for Eve's, some of them only shared the celebration. We also invited some indirect competitors for formality's sake. Some of the biggest visitors were even bold enough and offered me sponsorship which I politely dismissed saying it wasn't the right time for such talks and they could contact my manager for further details.

Minsan talaga, kapag may mga events akong dinadaluhan kung saan maraming business people, palagi nilang sinasamantala ang pagkakataong iyon para lang maka-usap ako. There were even nasty offers from big companies, shamelessly offering me a big sum of money for prostitution; escort jobs and one-night stand deals. During my first years in the field, halos ikaloka ko ang mga ganoong offers na natatanggap ko pero nang tumagal ay nasanay na rin ako hanggang sa natuto kung paano sila iha-handle.

Nang mag-dinner kami nang gabing iyon sa bahay ni Hanselle ay kasama namin sa hapag sina Bien at Bok na madalas namang mangyari kaya hindi na kami naninibago. Isa pa, sa sobrang lapit ni Chan kay Bien, I doubted if she would want him out of her life.

Masaya kami nang dumating si Bien sa buhay nina Hanselle at Chan. The man never failed to show his love for Hanselle and Chan. And really, he was actually all they could ever ask for.

"Congratulations for Eve's new branch, Emi-ssi!" bati sa akin ni Eura unnie sabay abot sa akin ng isang pumpon ng pamilyar na sariwang mga bulaklak habang naka-upo ako sa harap ng salamin at nag-re-retouch.

When it came to my personal life, though they tried to mingle and be in it, I just didn't let people in my workplace to be involved with my personal life. Kahit na malapit na ako sa kanilang lahat, I still made sure to draw an invisible line, it guarded me against people crossing the boundary without my consent.

I wasn't also doing it just because I wanted work to be away from my personal life, I just couldn't afford people to invade such a very vulnerable part of my life. My personal life involved my past that I had been trying to forget since I couldn't remember anymore. It wasn't something people could just easily witness because if unfolded, it wasn't only my career that would be put at sake, even my friends.

I was just trying to protect them.

"Kamsahamnida," I politely answered the kind lady, not really giving her further information as I softly sniffed the flowers.

Wala talagang mintis ang lalaking iyon sa pagpapadala ng bulaklak sa akin. Palagi akong nakakatanggap ng mga bulaklak, but what made him different was he was sending me a certain bunch of flowers. Parang trademark, na alam ko na agad na siya iyon sa tuwing nakikita ko na ang pumpon, plus iisang kulay lang ng bouquet wrapper ang palagi niyang gamit, sky-blue.

Yohan Cha, isa siya sa mga naging leading man ko noon sa isang action series na pinagbidahan namin. Simula noong natapos ang serye ay madalas na akong makatanggap ng bulaklak galing sa kaniya, that went steady for straight four months now.

We weren't dating, we were just tangled up into this non-commitment set-up, there wasn't even a single confirmation from him that he was courting me, which I still wasn't ready for, the actor was just too sweet maybe. Pareho namang pabor sa amin ang ganito dahil alam kong hindi niya rin kayang ilagay sa alanganin ang career niya para lang sa isang relasyon.

Nasa building ako ngayon para sa aming stage rehearsal for the upcoming premiere night ng huling, hopefully, pelikulang pagbibidahan ko. I had thought of this, not for long, but enough for me to come up to a solid decision. Pitong taon na ako sa larangan ng pag-arte, dalawang taon sa teatro at limang taon sa showbiz industry. Sapat na siguro ang tagal ng panahon na iyon para iwan ko na ang pag-arte at mag-focus na lang sa Eve's. I was sure, oras na mag-extend ulit ito para sa panibagong branch, paniguradong ako na ang hahawak.

"Anyway, about what I told you, did you open it up already to the bosses?" I asked her, remembering it was her the first one who I had ever told about my plans. It was always her when it came to my work plans.

Ever since I started working at HIT Entertainment, Eura unnie had been my manager. Siya ang manager na ibinigay sa akin ng HIT, at malaki ang tiwala ko sa kaniya.

Nilapag ko sa countertop ang pumpon ng bulaklak at tinitigan siya sa salamin. Hindi kami super close, pero masasabi kong sa tagal na naming magkatrabaho, medyo malapit na rin kami sa isa't isa. She had also been my companion in this hard and rocky path of showbiz.

Hindi siyempre maiiwasan ang issue since sikat akong actress. I had tried keeping my profile as private as possible but the media couldn't just keep their nose out of my business, they couldn't just let me have my very precious privacy for myself.

Nagkaroon ako ng short-lived relationship noon sa isang artista rin na mula sa ibang entertainment company. I was happy. Kasi sa sobrang gulo ng buhay showbiz, dating was just a spice of it. I had needed it, but then, like I said, media wouldn't just leave me alone. One careless move and one scoop about me dating the actor was enough to boom the showbiz industry, he wasn't even a famous actor, he was still starting. He was bashed, and I got banned from seeing him by my own management. And who helped me get out of the mess?

It was Eura unnie. It had always been her. Halos siya ang naging shield ko para magkaroon ako ng normal life despite of being a famous actress. I had dated several actors after that, famous actors, some public and some private. There were some that worked out for months but there were also that didn't last for even a month.

Well, I just couldn't stay long in a relationship with an incompatible man. Ang masaya pa roon, hindi mahirap bumitaw kapag ayaw ko na.

Dating was just dating, a process of getting to know each other. Kapag hindi nag-work, then one could back out. No hard feelings. Natutunan kong sa mundong pinili kong tahakin, hindi ako puwedeng mag-invest ng mas malalim na emosyon, I should always bare in mind that people could easily betray us.

Defense mechanism? Play better.

"Emi, we need time. We can't just tell them that you want a break. You know, they're planning to renew your contract," mahinang sagot niya, nag-iingat na walang makarinig sa kaniya habang nililigpit ang mga gamit na nasa countertop.

Napatingin akong muli sa repleksiyon niya sa salamin dahil sa nahimigan kong lungkot sa tono ng boses niya. I saw how she softly held the bouquet of flowers from the table to properly set it aside.

"I told you, I'm not going to renew my contract," saad ko habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa kaniya. I saw how she halted a bit before continuing on cleaning the countertop. Maiintindihan ko kung hindi siya sang-ayon sa desisyon ko. The first time I had lent this to her, she didn't say anything but just agree with me. Iyon ay dahil nilimitahan niya ang sarili niyang paki-alaman ang mga desisyon ko.

She was my manager, she only had a say to anything about my schedule and my workloads but other than that, she didn't have a say to anything. Hinahayaan niya ako madalas na pumili ng damit na isusuot ko kahit na dapat ay siya ang nagdi-desiyon ng tungkol doon. Maging sa mga kinakain ko ay minsan lang siya mamuna.

My freedom was really in my hands when it came to her, while I felt so locked up and controlled by the upper-hand management itself. Hindi niya kasinluwag ang mga bosses namin, though masasabi kong isa ako sa mga spoiled na artista sa buong bansa ngayon dahil hindi naman ako pinipilit ng management na tumanggap ng mga proyektong alam nilang hindi ko magugustuhan. They were just too hands-on when it came to my communication with my sponsors since those people were important in my career.

"After the premiere night, I'll try to open it up to them." Tumalikod siya pagkatapos niyang mag-ayos sa countertop para magtungo sa mesang malayo sa salamin na kinaroroonan ko habang pinapanood ko lang siya.

Walang magagawa ang HIT kung pipiliin kong hindi na muna mag-renew ng kontrata pero iniisip ko ang mga taong maiiwan ko kung sakali, si Eura unnie, si Kei na siyang makeup artist ko at hair stylist at si Jul-hye na siyang personal assistant ko. They were now a part of my life... partly my friends, but then I also learned that I needed to close a door in order to open a new door in my life.

"The silver one, Em," komento ni Aly nang itanong ko kung alin sa mga dresses na nasa walk-in closet ko ang magandang isuot ngayong gabi para sa party na dadaluhan ko. Naka-upo sila pareho ni Evah sa kama ko at nakaharap sa nakabukas na pinto ng walk-in closet dahil nahihirapan akong mamili ng isusuot.

Aly was holding a big mug while slightly sipping on it, the delicious and smooth taste of hot chocolate was reaching the direction where I stood while Evah was busy scrolling on her phone, she actually never let go of it the whole day.

"Aly, I said champagne and black ang theme ng party. Lahat naka-champagne, probably, guys will wear black suits tapos ako naka-silver! Are you telling me to make a fool out of myself in that party?!" I frowned as I turned around to face them. Nameywang ako at tinitigan sila pareho, tinalikuran ko ang rack standee ng mga dresses ko.

Hindi naman sana mahirap mamili ng isusuot kung maaga ko lang sanang nalaman ang tungkol sa party, I could just ask Eura unnie for a dress that suited the theme, but I got the invitation just earlier saying the party would be held tonight! Wala sa schedule ko ang party na ito dahil talagang hindi isinasali sa schedule ko ang mga ganito at baka pagalitan ako ni Eura unnie.

"Oh, I just thought you'd like to get the spotlight," kibit-balikat na sagot ni Aly at ibinalik na ang atensyon sa iniinom niya.

I rolled my eyes at her. How she knew me too well. Siyempre gusto kong palagi akong naiiba, that had been my trademark. I always went out of ordinary for every party and event I was going to. It was my way to get the attention I deserved. I didn't get labeled as the most phenomenal actress for nothing. And I wasn't still forgetting it!

"Grand or simple?" singit ni Evah nang mapansing walang patutunguhan ang usapan namin ni Aly, sa wakas nag-angat na rin ng tingin sa akin mula sa phone niya. Sometimes, I couldn't help but think if she was already having someone she was being busy to text with.

Humalukipkip ako at nag-isip. Probably, this would be the last party I would be attending to other than the after-party for the premiere night, of course, I wanted this to be grand. I wanted to leave an impression to people once more, for the last time.

"Grand," simpleng sagot ko at muli nang humarap sa rack standee.

Actually, hindi ko na dapat talaga ito pinoproblema pa dahil may mga sponsors naman ako na puwedeng magbigay sa akin ng maisusuot ngayong gabi at nandiyan si Jul-hye para pumili ng isusuot ko. But I didn't want Eura unnie to know about this. Wala nga kasi ito sa schedule ko dahil biglaan ang natanggap kong imbitasyon, I just couldn't take it down because I was friends with the celebrant.

Mas magandang hindi alam ni Eura unnie para kapag nalaman man ng mga boss ang tungkol dito, I could easily defend my manager telling she didn't have any idea about the party. I could easily claim the blame.

"Just as expected..." Ngumuso si Evah. "The skin-tone bodycon off-shoulder one," dagdag niya sabay turo sa tinutukoy niyang dress.

I sweet smiled at her after seeing the dress she chose. I couldn't deny the fact that Aly was good at choosing what to wear, she had a good sense in fashion but Evah had the same taste with mine. When Aly was more like a T-shirt and jeans type of a girl, Evah and I were both of a dress type. Samantalang nasa pagitan naman naming tatlo si Hanselle.

Speaking of, I wondered if Bien was invited. Madalas kasi, nakikita ko siya sa mga birthday celebration na dinadaluhan ko since pareho kami ng work environment. Kahit na ilang taon na simula noong ma-disband sila, hindi agad-agad sila makakalimutan ng mga tao, o kahit na sinong nasa parehong field.

Matapos kong makapili ng damit na isusuot ay naligo na ako. Paglabas ko ng banyo ay pareho silang wala na sa kuwarto ko. I actually invited them to go with me.

"Uh, it's not my thing, ikaw na lang," iling ni Evah sa akin.

"I'd rather play Solitaire," simpleng sagot naman ni Aly.

Oh, please understand that my friends were all caved human beings, including Hanselle, because they just didn't like parties. Hindi nila ako sinasamahan sa mga parties na dinadaluhan ko kahit na sinasabi kong masaya iyon at mag-e-enjoy sila.

Nginitian ko ang sarili ko sa harap ng vanity mirror matapos kong mag-apply ng simpleng makeup lang. No need to make it grand since my dress was grand already. I needed to balance it. Nude lipstick lang at kaunting sexy shade blush-on ay ayos na. Nilagyan ko na lang din ng mascara ang natural nang kulot at mahahaba kong mga pilik-mata.

I matched my skin-tone dress with black accessories, by that were a pair of black pearl earrings, a black chainless handy LV pouch bag and a black four inches peep-toe heels. Hinayaan kong nakalugay ang wavy kong buhok na hanggang dibdib ang haba, kaunting suklay lang gamit ang kamay, it was either magugulo ito o maayos.

"Be home before 12 midnight, Em. Alam kong feel na feel mo na naman ang pagiging Cinderella mo. I really don't know what kind of silliness did Hanselle feed you before to believe such fairytale. Pagsasarhan ka namin ng gate kapag wala ka pa rito ng quarter to twelve. I'm serious, Em," pagpapaalala sa akin ni Evah, being the stiff and strict guardian she was, she never failed to remind me every single night of my party night life to get home before twelve. Though, I was old enough to decide for myself, I was twenty-six for Pete's sake, but I still found myself following her.

Birthday party ng isa sa mga nakatrabaho kong actress ang dadaluhan ko. Sa isang night club located in an expensive hotel gaganapin ang party. Like what I expected, karamihan sa mga dumalo ay mga kapwa ko artista, came from different entertainment companies, ang karamihan ay nakatrabaho ko na. May nakilala rin akong mga modelo, K-Pop idols, at saka sikat na mga broadcasters.

"Happiest birthday, Lee Anna-ssi!" Isang malapad at matamis na ngisi ang isinalubong ko sa birthday celebrant nang makarating ito sa couch na pinupuwestuhan namin ng ilang mga nakilala kong actress. My eyes twinkled at the sparkling beads of her red sweetheart-top dress. Hapit na hapit ito sa katawan niya. It also complemented her fair complexion very well.

Mabuti na lang talaga at hindi ko sinunod si Aly na isuot iyong silver dress, this party obviously was to bring all the light of the spotlight to the birthday celebrant.

Her long blonde hair was loosely hanging and neatly brushed up behind her. She smiled back, giving back the same sweet smile as she gently leaned on me and gave me a light hug. "Oh, thank you for coming, Emi-ah! Are you enjoying the night? Did you already ask for your drink for tonight?" sunod-sunod niyang tanong.

"Yes. I've been drinking actually," saad ko sabay lingon sa pabilog na mesa kung nasaan ang inumin ko.

Nang bumitaw siya sa akin ay binati na rin siya ng mga kasamahan ko sa mesa. They all praised her on how beautiful she was this night. That was undeniable. She was actually one of the in-demand actresses nowadays. Though, we both came from different entertainment companies, we were good friends.

Kalagitnaan na ng party nang makaramdam ako ng hilo dahil wala akong ginawa kung hindi ang maupo lang sa couch at uminom, ang mga kasama ko ay nagsitayuan na para makisalamuha sa iba pang bisita at sumayaw. I lamely shook my hand at the waiter when he generously offered me another drink. I brought my car so I needed to at least remain sober to drive. Kaya para mahismasan ng bahagya ay tumayo ako para magbanyo.

I needed a slight splash seriously.

All the way to the restroom, may ibang mga kakilala na bumabati sa akin na sinusuklian ko rin naman ng pagbati, ang iba ay sinubukan pang dalhin ako sa table nila for a catchup pero inilingan ko lang. Iisang hallway na lang ang lilikuan ko at mararating ko na ang banyo pero mukhang ngayon pa ako piniling dapuan ng kamalasan.

Of all the people, rather of all the jerks I could cross paths with this night, why him?

I had long ago accepted that we had the same global, the same work environment so it was not impossible for us to brush each other's shoulder when we passed by each other, but then, I was doing all the efforts just to avoid it from happening.

Umirap ako nang magsalubong ang mga mata namin pero sa gilid ng mga mata ko, nakita kong napatayo siya ng tuwid, halatang hindi rin inaasahang makikita ako. I could see from my peripheral vision that he was looking at me while ignoring the man he was talking with earlier.

Oh, c'mon! Of all the people, why it had to be Jeon freaking Jeongguk?!