Chapter Twenty

Sa hindi ko na mabilang na pagkakataon ay nagpakawala na naman ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong lingunin siya dahil naiinis ako. Sobra-sobra akong nafu-frustrate. I had been bottling up mixed emotions all through out the past few days and I just didn't want what he did back there.

Inaway niya si Won. Nakipagsapakan siya kay Won. And I didn't see the need. What for? Walang ginagawang masama sa kaniya iyong tao—right, I would admit, hindi maganda ang nakita niya pero hinayaan niya muna sanang makapag-explain iyong tao kasi kahit naguguluhan ako sa ginawa ni Won… I could still store time and patient for his explanation.

Confused din ako, maybe less infuriated than he was but I needed Won's explanation more than anything.

Nang mamataan ko na ang ilang metrong layo ng 7-Eleven ay mariin akong pumikit dahil sa tagal ng nakabibinging katahimikan sa pagitan namin. Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa paper bag na dala ko saka buong lakas na pinilit ang mga paa kong huminto sa paglalakad. Sa dami ng mga nangyayari ngayon sa akin, started from Hanya all down to Won and now him… I just didn't know if I could still afford another.

Gusto ko na lang na matapos na itong lahat.

Naramdaman niya ang pagtigil ko kaya't huminto rin siya ngunit hindi siya lumingon sa akin. I could see his lean and broad back, I could marvel at it all night but not now. I was just too sucked up and too tired… puwede namang itulog ko na lang ito pero hindi ko kayang isipin na paggising ko kinabukasan, poproblemahin ko na naman, namin ito. And who could sleep with this mess?

"Joon," mariin kong tawag sa kaniya sa pagod na boses. Nanatili siyang nakatalikod sa akin, ang mga braso ay nananahimik sa magkabilang gilid niya habang bitbit niya ang ilan pang paper bags na bigay sa akin ng mga kaklase ko.

He was very silent but from the way his arms were cording and his fists were tightly closed, I knew, he was mad.

I didn't know. This… what I felt right now was something so bothering, something so heavy. My heart couldn't take it. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang bigat ng dibdib ko na tipong babagsak na ito sa sikmura ko kaya parang bumibigat din ang tiyan ko. Gusto kong maiyak ngunit naiisip ko ring masyadong mababaw.

I didn't even know why I was feeling this!

"Don't even start with me, Evah. Don't mention my name when I'm this mad at you…" Mahina ngunit may diin ang bawat salitang binitawan niya, kahit ang pagbigkas niya ng pangalan ko ay puno ng galit.

I pursed my lips so hard to suppress them from quivering. So much for being too mature in this relationship. Nasasakal na ako. Gusto ko namang ipakita sa kaniya, hindi iyong mature side ko kung hindi ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Gusto ko namang ipakita sa kaniyang naguguluhan, naiinis din at napapagod na akong umintindi.

Could I just scream, shout and growl at him just to lighten up the heavy feeling in my chest? Could I just cry? Could I just break down? Could… I?

I clutched hard to the paper bag I was holding as my chest rose and fell for every harsh intake and outtake of air. Tahimik kong ipinagpasalamat na nakatalikod siya sa akin at hindi ko nakikita ang mukha niya dahil mas panghihinahaan lang ako ng loob. Baka bumigay na lang ako…

"I've been very stressed at work, very tired and very consumed these past few days and all I want was to fvcking see you, hold you in my arms and kiss you and then what did I fvcking see?!" Marahas siyang pumihit paharap sa akin at agad akong sinalubong ng galit niyang mukha. Pinid-pinid na ang mga labi niya, salubong ang mga kilay ngunit ang pinaka-nagpasakit sa puso ko ay ang nanunubig niyang mga mata.

How could he do that? How could he show me his duality? Galit siya pero naipapakita niya pa rin sa akin ang kahinaan niya? I just wanted to pull him to me and hug him so tight only if I was not hurting too… I just wanted to lock him in my arms and tell him to cry, to cry with me.

"I saw that bastard kiss you!" He growled at me angrily. Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat dahil sa bigla sa ginawa niya. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin ngunit hindi nakaligtas sa mga mata ko ang pagbagsak ng mga luhang kanina ang ay pumupuno sa mga mata niya. He stared anywhere but me as I gawked at his crying stone cold face…

He just shed tears for me. The intense leader of BTS was shedding precious tears for me. The most precious man in my life was crying because of me. And it hurt…

"I… I d-didn't know he'd do t-that…" I reasoned out though I knew to mysef that it was useless. Nangyari na. It was not as if reasoning myself out would erase what he had in his mind. Hindi ko na mabubura pa sa isipan niya ang nakita niya.

I said I was too tired to act mature, but again, I casted my thoughts and tried to think out myself as him to understand him. Inisip ko kung ano ang mararamdaman ko kung ako ang nasa kalagayan niya. Inisip ko kung ano ang mararamdaman ko kapag nakita ko siyang hinalikan din ng iba… o humalik ng iba. And the pain was unbearable not even considerable. Kaya't naiintindihan ko siya… kaya hindi ako iiyak. Wala akong karapatang umiyak.

Yes, it hurt, it freaking hurt but he didn't need to know that. I deserved this…

"I'm s-sorry…" mahina kong sabi. Yumuko ako para itago ang mukha ko dahil nagi-guilty ako. I couldn't bring myself to blame Won… hindi ko alam ang iniisip ng taong iyon. I didn't even know what he felt… kung may gusto ba siya sa akin o ano. I remembered how he looked at me earlier, he looked hurt and mad. He looked betrayed and disappointed with me, that was what I would give him after all the good friendship he had given me. But I couldn't even more bring myself to blame Joon. Dahil siya ang mas nasasaktan dito, siya ang pinaka-mas naaapektuhan dito.

But you're hurting so much too, Evah.

Yes, I was hurting too, so much. Pero dapat lang kasi kasalanan ko iyon. Kasalanan ko kasi masyado akong naging manhid sa nararamdaman ni Won sa akin. Masyadong mababaw ang pagkaka-intindi ko sa nararamdaman ni Won sa akin, sa mga ikinikilos niya sa akin at sa mga ipinapakita niya. And it was all my fault. Joon and Won were both a victim.

If only I had known Won feelings for me, I should have strayed from him, I should have made him understand that he couldn't expect more from me because I loved Joon, just so I could have saved all of us from this painful havoc.

Mariin akong pumikit dahilan ng pagbagsakan ng mga luha mula sa mga mata kong hindi ko na nagawa pang pigilan. I felt like a warrior… I felt like my life was a series of unending wars, I felt like being failed again for an umpteenth times. Nakakapagod pala… Nakakapagod. It was so hard to live and survive in this run. Oo nga't sinisimulan ko nang abutin ang mga pangrap ko, oo nga't nandito na ako, naka-isang hakbang na pero nakakapagod pala.

Yes, I met Joon all the way, he gave my runaway heart a shelter with his unfailing love but I didn't see the odds coming.

Hindi ko tuloy mapigilang isipin… was this run still worth it?

"Let's just get you home. I'm tired and you're tired," aniyang muli nang pumihit paharap at nagsimula nang maglakad, totally ignoring my silent and painful tears.

Evah, there are times that he's too tired to wipe your tears so you have to do it yourself… though you're also tired, of everything.

Isang linggo… isang linggong walang tawag at texts mula kay Joon. Madalas naman na itong mangyari dahil nga may rookie show silang pinagkakaabalahan ngayon pero iba ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. It felt like I was slowly losing him… it felt like he was slowly straying from me.

Was he? Could he?

Bagsak ang balikat na ibinaba ko ang phone ko sa counter nang makitang isa sa mga kaklase ko ang nag-text sa akin at nagtatanong kung kailan ako free. Wala pa rin siyang text, noon naman kahit na busy siya ay nagagawa niyang magpadala ng texts sa akin pero ngayon, wala ni 'hi' man lang.

He was just too heartless. Sobrang hirap ba para sa kaniyang mag-type ng simpleng 'hi' at ipadala sa akin para man lang masabi ko sa sarili ko na okay pa rin kami? Kasi sa mga nangyayari ngayon sa amin, pakiramdam ko, unti-unti na kaming nasisira. Sumasabay pa ang mga nangyayari sa school, kakatapos lang ng exams at isang linggo na lang ay magbabakasyon na.

Hindi ko na muli pang nakasalubong pa si Won sa school samantalang si Hanya ay tuluyan nang lumayo sa akin. I could sometimes see her talking and smiling with other students but she never spared a look at me anymore.

I had lost both Hanya and Won just like that… at ngayon, mukhang pati si Joon.

Oh crap, hindi ko kakayanin kung pati siya!

Mabilis kong dinampot ang phone ko at walang pagdadalawang-isip na idinial ang number combination ni Joon. I tensely put my phone near my ear and waited for his response. Ang buong akala ko ay hindi siya sasagot dahil nga iniisip kong busy siya kaya abot-abot ang pagtatahip ng dibdib ko nang sumagot siya. I almost clutched my chest because of the mixture of excitement and anticipation rising within me.

Halos kapitan ng isang kamay ko ng sobrang higpit ang counter dahil sa biglaang panghihina ng mga tuhod ko nang makarinig ako ng sunod-sunod na paghinga sa kabilang linya… even just his breathing could take me into my most pathetic stare. At pinatunayan lang niyon na sobrang miss na miss ko na siya…

That I could endure all of this because I had him. Mawala na sa akin ang lahat, huwag lang siya.

"J-Joon…" I called him in a low and husky voice. For an instant, nawalan ako ng lakas ng loob. I felt like I didn't have the right to call him anymore… pakiramdam ko, wala na akong karapatan sa kaniya dahil lang nawala na rin iyong assurance ko na okay pa kami.

Ganito na lang ba talaga? Matatapos na lang ba talaga kami ng ganito na lang?

["Hello? Who's this?"] Nakarinig ako ng hindi pamilyar na tinig lalaki sa kabilang linya, kahit ang mga katagang binigkas niya ay hindi ko naintindihan.

Kumunot ang noo ko at sandaling inilayo sa tainga ko ang phone ko para silipin kung tama ba ako ng numerong tinawagan ngunit nang makita ko ang pangalan ni Joon ay muli kong ibinalik sa tainga ko ang phone para lang makarinig ng ilang sunod-sunod na dial tone…

The call ended.

Kung sinuman ang kausap ko kanina ay pinatay na niya ang tawag. It was clearly not Joon… at kung siya man ang lalaking iyon, bakit niya ako kakausapin sa linggwaheng Korean at bakit niya ako papatayan ng tawag? Galit pa rin ba siya sa akin?

Muli kong naibaba ang phone ko sa counter ngunit kasabay rin niyon ay ang pagbagsak ko paupo sa stool. My stomach felt too heavy again because of the pain in my heart… bugbog sarado na ang puso ko. Sa sobrang dami na nitong pinagdaanan, natatakot akong hindi na nito kayanin pa at tuluyan na lang akong sumuko.

Could I afford it?

Naiisip ko pa lang na mawawala sa akin si Joon ay hindi ko na kinakaya… ang sumuko pa kaya? Could I just have a break from all this? Tapos pagbalik ko, nandiyan pa rin siya para sa akin. Puwede ba iyon? Because… I needed space to find the right path of my runaway heart.

Pakiramdam ko kasi, naliligaw na naman ito.

Tipid akong ngumiti kay Elli nang dumating siya para sa shift niya ngayong araw. Nagkaroon ako ng oras na magbihis muna bago siya dumating dahil tulad ng madalas mangyari, wala masyadong customers ngayon.

"Evah unnie! Outside your boyfriend! You go now!" Elli told me in a low constructed English. Itinuro niya ang pintong pinasukan niya kaya napatitig ako roon.

My feet halted for awhile before I decided to finally will them walk out of the store with my heavy heart and shaking hands. Bakit ganito? Why did I feel so heavy and hurt? Ilang araw ko lang naman siyang hindi nakita. It was not like this had never happened. Minsan ay nangyayari naman ang ganito sa amin dahil sa mga practices nila at mga broadcast or awardings na dinadaluhan. Dahil ba hindi naging maayos ang huli naming pagkikita?

What happened to you, Joon?

Hindi ko mapigilang bumuntong-hininga nang makita ko siyang tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa isa sa mga upuang nasa labas pagkakita niya sa akin. As usual, he looked handsome with his red shirt under a black long coat and a black skinny jeans. Palagi naman, though I could also see one very vivid thing that was missing from him.

He used to be very enthusiastic and excited every time we would see each other. Hindi man niya iyon hayagang ipinapakita noon ay malaya iyong naisisiwalat ng mga mata niya. His eyes used to look at me with so much emotions, they were always the pathway of his heart to me but why? Why did his eyes look so dull right now?

What happened to you, Joon? Galit ka pa rin ba?

Nasagot ko lang ang tanong na iyon sa isipan ko nang mag-iwas siya ng tingin bago pa man magtama ang mga mata namin. Mas bumigat ang nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko. Maybe, this was a part of being in a relationship, maybe this was just a phase. Malalaglasan namin ito pareho…

Hinayaan ko siyang manatiling tahimik habang naglalakad na kami patungo sa university na pinapasukan ko kahit na gustong-gusto kong abutin ang kamay niya at ipagsalikop sa akin. Isang linggo ko siyang hindi nakita at miss na miss ko na siya. Baka kailangan ko munang magtiis hanggang sa maging okay siya, hanggang sa maging maayos kaming dalawa.

Right, sa mga ganitong pagkakataong dapat kong gamitin ang pagiging maintindihin ko at ang pagiging mature ko. I needed to wait though I didn't know until when I would have to endure all this.

Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang chain ng suot kong shoulder bag nang huminto ako sa mismong harap ng university dahil huminto rin siya. I again pampered my aching heart because of his painful silence, ipinaintindi ko ritong matatapos din ito. Babalik din siya sa dati, kami.

This wasn't permanent. He was just mad…

I lectured my heart though it was really hurting so much, na kung wala lang siya rito ay baka umiyak na ako.

Dahan-dahan akong pumihit paharap sa kaniya na diretso lang sa harap ang tingin. He wasn't sparing me even a single stare and crap, it hurt. Gusto ko siyang paghahampasin ngayon para sabihing sobra-sobra na niya akong sinasaktan pero nagpigil ako, kasi mas nangibabaw pa rin ang isinisigaw ng isipan kong kailangan ko siyang intindihin. Kahit masakit na, kahit sobrang sakit na, iintindihin ko siya. Kahit na sa relasyong ito, ako na lang ang umiintindi, kahit na wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang intindihin siya.

I needed to, I needed to just to keep him with me.

I uttered a silent hiccup that I mentally wished, he didn't hear. Mabilis kong pinagdikit ng mariin ang mga labi ko para hindi na muling makalikha ng sinok. Mukhang hindi naman niya napansin dahil nananatiling nasa harap ang tingin niya na para bang ikaiirita niya kung lilingon siya sa akin.

Baka naman mali ang tanong ko kanina, it shouldn't be what happened to him, it should be…

What happened to us? Are we still fine?

How would I know if he was not telling me anything?! How would I know if he was just as cold as ice, as stoic as stone and as silent as mute?! Bakit ba kasi niya ginagawa sa akin ito?! Couldn't we freaking talk about this, about us?

"J-Joon…" My voice shook as I called him. At sa lakas noon, imposibleng hindi niya narinig para manatiling nasa harap pa rin ang atensyon niya. I knew we were not fine but it could have been less painful if he wqs somehow trying to fix this. Hindi iyong nananatili siyang tahimik at mukhang walang balak na ayusin ang relasyong ito. Kasi sa totoo lang, nauubusan na ako ng pasensya.

Oo, naiintindihan ko siya. But could he at least give me the benefit of the doubt? Gusto ba niyang ipaliwanag ko sa kaniyang wala lang iyong nakita niyang paghalik sa akin ni Won noon? Did I even need to explain that? Did he even trust me? Would he even listen?

"Joon, pansinin m-mo naman ako…" My voice broke. Hindi ko na napigilan ang humikbi nang may mapagtanto ako. Joon was a very smart and mature man, he wasn't that shallow to stay mad at me just because of that petty reason. Pinagdaanan na niya sa akin ito, kay Hanya, kaya alam kong alam niya ang totoo.

At ngayon, mas natatakot na ako. What if, hindi naman ang issue namin kay Won ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagkakaganito ngayon? What if it was something different? Wasn't that more confusing and terrifying? Because this time, I really had no clue anymore.

Kahit papaano ay nabuhayan ako ng loob nang pumihit siya paharap sa akin. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko nang makita kong bumuka ang bibig niya ngunit agad din niya itong isinara at pinagmasdan na lang ako. Ang kilala kong Joon, hindi ako hahayaang umiyak, hindi gustong nakikita akong umiiyak at higit sa lahat, hindi ako paiiyakin.

What happened to us? Joon, do you still love me? Are we… breaking up?

"Evah, just go insi—"

"Joon, are we o-okay?" Lakas-loob kong pinutol ang sinasabi niya ng katanungang alam kong magbibigay kasagutan sa lahat ng ito. I saw from how his jaw moved hardly how heavy was the question I threw him—I threw the both of us. Ang pagbagsak ng mga mata niya at pag-iigting ng mga bagang niya ang nagpapatunay kung gaano kabigat iyon.

Are we okay? Are we still okay?

Hinanda ko ang sarili ko sa isasagot niya, kahit na sobrang sakit na ng dibdib ko dahil sa mabilis na tibok ng puso ko. I held my ground because I knew, any minute from now, my knees would soon give up. Ang mga kamay ko ay mariin kong isinara habang ipinapanalangin kong sana…

Sana okay pa kami.

But then, I didn't expect what he would do next. Pinutol niya ang distansya sa pagitan naming dalawa at hinawakan ang magkabilang braso ko saka ako marahang hinila para yakapin. He hugged me so ever lightly as if I would break if he would grip me tight.

I sniffed as I smelled his natural manly scent that I had missed so much, and then, my heart ached once again, because this was not usual. I knew, something would happen. I knew… something about him was off. I knew… something would hurt me. I knew … he would hurt me.

"Of course, baby, of course…" he whispered softly through my ear just before he pulled away from me and turned to leave. He left me standing there, watching his back slowly disappearing from my sight.

Of course, we were fine. Of course, he said but I knew we were not.