Erin McAfee

It's been two weeks since the night I told Zac everything that I kept inside me. After that night, he didn't show his face to me again, I guess he already left and gave me the space I wanted, to which I'm so glad because I don't know what and how am I going to face him. Not because I was ashamed but because I am still not ready.

Nevertheless, since that night, I felt light, at peace, and free. It's what I've been yearning and looking for when I came here in The Netherlands. However, there's still a part of me thinks that there's still something missing and I think that it's his explanation, his side of the story. But I'm not yet ready to hear it and to see him.

Anyway, enough of Zac. Today, I moved out of Dean's family house and was already on the way to the city proper of Amsterdam. My stay in Scheveningen is already long overdue and that I needed to go back to the city.

I parked my car outside a coffee shop when my phone rang. I smiled when I saw the name on the screen.

"Mason!" I answered cheerfully, and yes, we're still in contact. He also knew where I was because he was the one who drove me to the airport the day I left New York. Ever since then, we remained friends, he checks up on me often and even visited me here for a couple of times, sometimes with Livy and Jowee.

Before you think of anything, no, there's nothing going on between us nor he has feelings for me. He made it clear to me that he never really sees me more than his friend and sister, and I believe him.

"If you're not in the mood to talk to me, you can say it." I heard Mason's annoyed voice.

I laughed.

"Oh okay, you're still there." I heard him chuckle.

"I'm sorry, Mase. I was in the midst of parking my car. What's up?" I asked as I entered the car and started the engine.

"Oh, you arrived in Amsterdam already?" he asked.

"Nope. I just stopped to buy some coffee. So, why did you call?" I asked as I got out of the car.

"Nothing, I called to check up on you because I remembered that you're moving out today."

"Uh-huh. I'm okay, still a bit sleepy but I can manage. So, how are you? Still competing with your cousin for the chairmanship?" I asked because this is his ultimate dilemma.

"Yeah, same old shits but I'm working on it. Anyway, I'm going to hang up now, I have an early meeting tomorrow morning. I just called to check up on you." He said and I hummed and we disconnected.

I ordered an iced Americano to wake me up. As I took my wallet from my purse, a white envelope fell from my purse. I took it after I paid the cashier and examined it as it was odd for me to have that in my bag.

When I flipped it, my name was written on the back but before I examine it, one of the baristas announced that my order is already done. So, I put the envelope back to my purse and quickly took my order then head out from the coffee shop.

After two and a half hours of driving, I arrived at Tyra and Brad's mansion, where I am staying here in Amsterdam. As soon as I arrived, the helpers quickly helped me unload all of my stuff. I quickly went to my room and washed myself then slept all my tiredness away.

When I woke up, there was still light outside. I checked the time on my phone and it was 7 am. Geez, I slept 16 hours?! Was I that exhausted? Anyway, I opened my laptop and checked my work email. What welcomed me was TONS of emails, but it didn't surprise me because I took a two week break since I told everything to Zac.

I was actually thankful to Edna, my boss, as she was so understanding with my situation and even agreed for me to work remotely.

I was in work mode when I heard a knock on my door, as I looked up, one of the helpers, asked if I will be taking my dinner here in my room or in the dining room. I looked outside and was shocked that it was already dark.

Geez, I was really busy today, huh. No wonder my stomach was growling like a wolf. So, I told her the latter and went down, and I also realized that I am still in my pyjamas.

As I sat on one of the chairs by the counter, I stretched my whole body to release all the muscle spasms then started to eat. I had three servings of my meal tonight and even asked for an iced Americano to help with my digestion.

As the helper gave it to me, I instantly remembered the envelope that fell from my purse yesterday in the coffee shop. It was addressed to me and the handwriting was familiar, it's as if Zac was the one who--- wait.. It was his handwriting!

I quickly ran upstairs and hurriedly took it out from my purse. I was actually trembling when I saw my name. This was really his handwriting, but how did he put this inside my purse? Or when did he put it in?

Was it in the mall? No. That can't be, he was holding lots of paperbags that time, but that was the only time he held my purse. I also left it with him when I angrily stormed off that night.

Anyway, should I open it or not?

Geez, why am I nervous?

Fuck!

Here goes nothing.

I opened the envelope and saw a two-paged letter in it. My heart beat even more rapidly when I saw the whole pages all in Zac's handwriting.

I tried to calm my nerves by taking deep breaths because I know, once I start reading this letter, there's no going back and that by the end of it, I still be bawling.

My dearest Erin,

Thank you for opening this letter despite knowing that this is from me. Seeing you three days ago was euphoric for me but I guess it was the opposite for you.

I know for a fact and basing on the looks that you give me and the hatred in your eyes whenever you see me, that you don't like seeing me here, which was very understandable because of the things I did to you. I do understand the hate you have in me, who wouldn't, right? I mean if someone did the same to me, I would also be hating on them and didn't even want to see them too.

But I'm here to apologise to you as well as to tell you everything that I kept hidden from you. However, you're not yet ready to face me nor hear my explanations because the wounds that I gave to you are still fresh, so I decided to write down everything-- from the very beginning I first met you.

I was actually 21 years old when I first saw you. It was actually on Olivia's phone, a selfie photo with you as her homescreen. I asked her who you were and she told me you are her new best friend, then she started showing me a couple photos of you with her. I remembered that I told Livy that you're pretty just like her --- and it was a harmless compliment.

Years after, that's when I saw you in the manor and mistakenly hugged you as I thought you're my sister. But when you turned around, you took my breathe away instantly. You got me speechless as I never expected that you'll bloom into that beautiful teen, then it lead to me having a crush on you.

Creepy but I swear I tried everything to stay away from you. But when I saw how stunning you were on Livy's 18th birthday party, that's when I almost lost my self-control. I wanted to tear away the boys that approached you and flirt with you.

When I realized what I was feeling, I went to a bar and drank a couple of alcohol to clear my mind from all the petty jealousy I felt that night. I promised myself also that whatever infatuation I have for you will end that night. However, as I saw you in the hallway drunk while fulfilling the dare for you, the fire in me ignited once again so I kissed you.

I know you won't remember it but that was our first kiss, on Livy's 18th birthday not on her 20th birthday party.

Anyway, after I kissed you on her 18th birthday, I vowed to myself that I will stay away from you and that I will control myself when you're around as you're off-limits to me because you're 7 years younger than me and that you're my sister's best friend.

You see, Erin. I promised my mom and to myself to take good care of Livy and prioritize her happiness over mine because between her and I, she was the one who suffered the most. We abandoned her right after mom died, no one was their with her to accompany her while she's mourning.
And then you came to her life. She saw companionship, love, and true friendship to you and Jowee.

So, who am I to ruin it by succumbing to my petty feelings over a teenage girl? Also, I have girls lining up and willing to worship me so I thought I would get over my crush on you when I started dating them.

But I thought wrong, my love. Whenever I see you, you made my heart beat faster, you made me want to beat every man in the room that's looking at you... You made me insanely jealous and most of all, you made me yearn for a relationship.

However, I convinced myself that I was only lusting over you so I transferred my needs for you to other women but it didn't satiate me so I changed woman after another, thus being deemed as one of the country's womanizer.

On the other hand though, I knew that there was something deeper I feel for you than lust but I didn't want to acknowledge it as I'm scared that if I did, I will have to commit to you, and I didn't want that.

But Alex came in the picture. He woke up the jealousy and possessiveness I buried. I thought at first I'd give you a warning on the likes of him but then my feelings awoken from its slumber and ignited every time I saw you and/or I came to your apartment to the point of me succumbing to it.

It was the point of no return for me, love, that's why I kept reminding myself that time that I will only fulfill my desire to you temporarily and would stop once I am okay with my feelings. However, the problem was, I was blinded by the love and care you showered me and that I was drunk with happiness.

But then Livy went to Dubai, it made realize that what I was so drunk in happiness that I forgot what I promised to my mom, to take care of her, so I neglected you, not intentionally, but because I was starting to remember that enough is enough with you and it's time to go back to my original plan, which was no commitment.

Even though I already knew that I have fallen in love with you, I tried to avoid it as I didn't want commitment, Erin, because of mom's death. I detested commitment not because I like being a bachelor, but because I was afraid that what happened to my parent's relationship might happen to me, to us.

You awoken my desire to have my own family. To be with you, and to commit with you. Alongside of that, you woken up my greatest fears.

Death and being left alone.

I wasn't talking about you, dying, no because I would rather endure the heartbreak, loneliness, and sadness when you left me here on Earth, but what I can't fathom was to leave you with all those feelings of loneliness and sadness.

I've been there, Erin, and I witness how it ate my father alive and I didn't want you to experience it. That's why I left when you told me you love me. That moment, when you confessed your love to me, a flash of you weeping while I was being lowered six feet under ground.

I didn't want you to experience it so I ran away and ended things up with you. I thought to myself that I would rather see you love someone else than knowing that you will be weeping and sad when I die.

You see, Erin. There's a high percentage of me acquiring cancer because of my genes, add the fact that I am seven years older than you. It's not hard to guess who will be the first one to die.

So, I decided that time to leave you. I swear, Erin, I didn't want you to feel dirty or cheap because I left you. That night was the best night for me, it was the first time I made love, not sex. It was blissful and memorable, and I'm very very very sorry that I scarred you with my actions that night.

But seeing you so broken and sad, it made me realize that I already caused my fears upon you, that it was no different to what I didn't want to happen to you, and I'm so sorry, love.

I know nothing can justify my actions towards you but I hope this letter will set you free. Free from the anger and hate you feel to yourself.

Hate me if you must, but don't hate yourself, Erin. I understand that you don't want to be associated with me anymore, but please don't blame yourself that everything is your fault because it wasn't, it was all of my fault.

Again, I'm sorry.

Love,

Zachary

Tears blurred my vision after I read the his letter. Shit! Shit! Shit!

Why? Why did I read this? I shouldn't have read this. He had endured a lot. He's scared of leaving me alone. This was what holding him back.

Oh my God!

Everyone thought that he had survived the past but no one knew that he's living with the trauma. He had to fight but he fought the wrong fear.

He may look tough and mum about the past, but he has so much in his mind, that's why he wanted control. He wanted to have control on everything because he's afraid that if he lose control, he'll expose himself, his vulnerability.

We misjudged him because of the tough exterior he showed us and we failed to see that he's also feeling it too, the loneliness and sadness as well as those fears. He had let go of the heartache of his mom's death but he was still holding on to the fear his mom's death presented to him, to which he has trouble fighting off.

Oh, Zac, why do you always have to care more for other people than yourself? I wish you have told me this earlier so that I can help you with it.

I hugged the letter and wept until my phone started ringing.

It displayed Mason's name so, I rejected his call. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone, but he called again and again even if I rejected his calls.

So, on the sixth ring, I answered it.

"Erin, Zac got into an accident." He was hysteric and that time, it didn't sink in to me his words yet.

"W-what?" I asked again while sniffling.

"Justin, h-he planned it. I tried to stop him but I can't. Zac was rushed to the hospital right now, Erin." He panicked and that's when it sink in to me.

Accident-Zac-Hospital.

Then, everything got blacked out.

Hello, loves!!!

Who the hell is Justin?

Please vote and comment!

xo,

kimmypatata