Erin McAfee

After Dean and I had our late lunch, he bid his goodbye to me and drove off to Amsterdam. Now, I'm sitting on one of the benches here by the pier thinking about things I neglected thinking ever since I came in this country.

It's after sunset already and it's getting chilly, so I walked back to Dean's house.

As I neared the house, I saw a familiar silhouette of a man leaning on his back on the brick wall.

I sighed as I realized that it was Zac.

He quickly walked towards and intercepted my walk. As his face shone under the lamppost, concern marred on his face. I stood in front of him then crossed my arms across my chest as he was about to touch me.

His arm hung in mid-air so he quickly placed his arms at his back.

"I am tired. Please don't pester me with all of---"

"Are you okay? I'm sorry for what happened today. Believe me, Erin, it was never my intention to stress you out like this and I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone tonight, I promise, but don't deprive me of making sure that you're okay and safe and sound in you...in that house." he said in a depressed and pleading tone in which he looked like a kid that was deprived to play with his toys.

It's that kind of face again where all of his arrogance vanished and was replaced by a foreign expression that's full of mixture of sadness, loneliness, and peace.

PEACE?

Was I really seeing it? Or was it just a product of my imagination?

Anyway, this is kinda surprising for me as well--- that he didn't force what he wanted to do, just like what he usually did back when he was still "courting" me.

So, instead of answering him, I just walked past him and opened the door leaving him behind.

However, my initial plan to relax and rest my thoughts as I arrived home was again deferred by Zac. UGH!

Anyway, at least he said that he will leave me alone tonight. That's okay, at least I'll have my peace for tonight.

WAIT.

How about my tomorrow? Ugh! Does this mean he'll continue pestering me after tonight?

This is so frustrating, I need to think of ways to avoid him.

Now, my peace was once again disrupted and most probably, days after this night, won't get any peace nor sleep because of him.

***

It's been four days.

Four days since that night and I was right! There were no days Zac wasn't pestering me.

He always follow me around, talks to me like we're friends, buys me food, flowers, and even my took time for himself to shop me some groceries. Like, what the fuck is wrong with him. Anyway, I didn't even acknowledge him. I didn't even accept those flowers and food. I just give it to the homeless man that lives in the park. He needs it more than I do.

However, it didn't faze Zac. He still keeps on giving or doing things that I didn't even need or I can do it by myself. Like fixing the chains of my bike, sweeping the dried leaves or dirt in front of the house, installing new lights outside my door as it started blinking and so on!

I kept on pushing him away, or just humiliate him by ignoring him but he didn't seem to mind and he's calm. His eyes never showed any signs of irritation, anger, or annoyance but instead, it's always calm and understanding. He's not usually like that, as opposed to how I knew him.

Now, I'm all out of tricks and plans to annoy him. I exhausted my brain amd wasted my precious sleep three nights ago, for nothing, it's so annoying, to be honest.

"Do you want me to help you carry your books?" I heard Zac spoke all of a sudden from behind me who's still following me.

"Shut up! I said don't talk to me and stop following me!" I faced him and whispered-yelled at him then he gave me his infamous boyish smile. It's as if he was being fascinated by the words I told him.

"Just let me know if you need help, okay." He replied coolly and it made me irate more.

"Leave me alone!" I turned around and continued with my walk. It's futile to have this conversation again with him.

I took several steps forward and it irked me to the core when I still felt that he's still behind me following me.

I glanced sideways and I saw him smiling at me while walking slowly, so, I quickened my pace to which I know he will still catch up as he has long legs.

So, when I looked behind me again, it's like those quick walk was nothing, he's still 3 meters behind me.

"I said do not follow me!" I angrily told him.

"I'm not following you." He replied and I scoffed.

"Then what are you doing for the past days, huh? Despite my orders to not pester me?"

He shrugged and took a step closer to me.

"I'm accompanying you." He grinned then continued, "I'm making sure that I'm near you so that if you need any help, I'm here to assist you with anything." He stated proudly.

My frown deepened.

"I don't need any help! I can do everything on my own. Also, if I needed help, I won't even ask for yours. Now, get lost!" I turned around but he held my arm to halt me. It was the first time he held me again since four days ago.

I hate to admit but I missed it.

"I told you, Erin. I will not leave you again. I will do everything to--" before he finished his sentence, I forcefully gave the three books I borrowed from the library for him to hold.

He looked at me in confusion so I answered him. "You said you will help me, right. Hold those books for me, make sure that you're handling it with care." I said and walked arrogantly.

Let's see how far can you go with that attitude.

Next stop, shopping.

I bought a lot of stuff so he will hold all the bags. I even walked faster to that he won't keep up with me but what did I know? It was futile. The man has stamina, despite all the bags he's holding and the long walks and wait, he still kept up with me.

On to the last shop, I left him seated on the tufted chair while I was trying tons of dresses. I purposely took a lot of dresses with me in the fitting room as this was my last resort to bring out the old arrogant and short-tempered Zachary.

While I was trying on the fifth dress, I heard him talking, or more like conversing with the woman who assisted me. I halted and listened to their conversation. The woman he's been talking with was giggling and he too was chuckling.

They were talking about bicycles, the pier, how Zac doesn't look like a local Swedish, how old was he, how young he looked like, that he looked like a model because of how well-built he is, how gorgeous and soft-looking his hair are and so on.

The annoying man just received the compliments happily and even returned one to the woman flirting with him.

The nerve of this guy! He has the gall to flirt while I was here tiring myself out to fit these mountain of fucking dresses and clothes just to irk him.

To be honest, it made me 10x madder.

So, I quickly changed into my clothes and held all the dresses. When I saw the woman giggling, I walked towards her and gave all the dresses to her. She wasn't expecting it so some of the dresses fell from her hands because she wasn't prepared that time. Probably because she never thought that I will be done this quick so she took her time to flirt with Zachary.

"I don't like all of them. Any problem?" I raised my left brow when she looked at me in disbelief.

"N---" I didn't wait for her reply as I headed out of the store leaving her and Zac struggling with the paperbags.

I quickly went to exit to go home. I didn't care if Zac was following me or not, I only care about not bursting in front of a lot of people because now, my anger was at the highest level already. As I went out, it was already dark and that's when I realized that I left my purse with Zac. Luckily, I have money in my pockets so, I took a cab to go home and in less than 10 minutes, I arrived at the house and locked the door behind me.

I paced to and from the living room to ease down my anger but whatever I do, or how much deep breaths I take, nothing can ease down the anger I am feeling inside.

This kind of anger is one that needed to be released or else you'll have a heart attack when you bottle this up. What should I do? I can't flip out or wreck the things in this house, it's not mine. I can't go out and flinch at anyone, it's uncalled for.

As I was thinking of ways to steam off, my I heard a knock as well as my name being called by Zac.

At first I didn't open the door and let him knock and called my name several times to make him suffer outside. But my conscience got the best of me as it was chilly outside so I opened the door angrily.

"What?!" I grumpily asked.

"A-are you okay?" He asked in full of concern. Why? Why was he still like this? Where is the hot-headed Zachary I knew of?

"What the fuck do YOU want now?!" I raised my voice at him irritated at how he's still managed to be in a calm demeanor despite everything I did to annoy him?

"I... These are the stuff you bought today." He handed me over the shopping bags but I just looked at it in disgusts.

"Just leave it all here then go!" I ordered and was about to turn around but he halted by telling me that he bought me dinner as well, to which I got irritated more. So, I turned around and took the plastic bag from him and threw it in the trash.

"I said don't give me food!" I snapped at him and he was shocked to see me like this. I guess it's obvious that I am livid at him.

"You need to eat, Erin. You're exhausted from all the shoppi---"

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I don't need anything from you! If I want to eat dinner, I will eat. If I want to starve myself, let me be! Just stop pestering me! Stop acting, Zachary! Show me how irritated, angry, and annoyed you are because I ordered you around, I let you carried all of my bags, I let wait for me for so long, and I showed you attitudes that you loathe the most! Show me how angry you are! Show me! Show me!!!!" I shouted at him and held both of his collar.

Instead of being angry, he just gave me and understanding smile and caressed my hair.

"Believe it or not, I enjoyed every second that I am with you since I saw you here. I wasn't annoyed, mad, or anything, I was actually looking forward and elated every morning because I will be seeing you. I know it's crazy because you've been ignoring me all this time, but I swear to God it's better than not seeing you all these months. Also, I'm not acting." He said and cupped my cheeks with his hands.

"I am willing to do everything and/or anything you want me to do, as long as I'm with you, Erin." He smiled at me lovingly to which my heart skipped a beat.

Because of that, and hearing those, it made me even madder. So, I pushed him with all my might. He stumbled but he quickly composed himself.

"No! You can't sweet talk me, Zac. Do you think I will believe those bullshit that came out of your mouth? Hell no! I've been there before so I won't fucking go back again! If you think I will be swayed and be blinded by your actions, then you're wrong! I am not that frail woman anymore who was deeply and blindly in love with you. That everything you say or do, I will believe. No! I told you, Zac, I'm done with you. We're over! So stop doing everything and thinking that you and I will get back together again!"

"Erin..."

"No! You hurt me so much, Zac! You made me feel cheap. You used me like a cigarette that when you're done, you threw me away and even stomped on me. You disregarded my feelings, Zac. You made me feel like I don't deserve to be loved by you and that I don't have any place in your heart when Olivia went away. I know you love your sister so much, that's why I fell in love with you, but you didn't have to rub it in my face that I am nothing to you when it comes to her."

I didn't know when but somehow, my tears betrayed me and streamed downy face uncontrollably.

"I'm not saying you choose me over Livy, no because I would never ever do that. I'm saying was you should've thought about me also. I never intended to lie to you, Zac. I was caught between my role as your girlfriend and as your sister's best friend. That time, even if I felt dejected by you, I still tried to understand you. I still loved you unconditionally to the point that I'm willing to risk it all --- even if I was just your second choice. I acted like it wasn't a big deal when in reality, it's breaking my heart."

I hiccuped and held my chest. It hurts, but I needed to tell him this, to let this all out. I'm tired of bottling this up and eating me up alive.

"But you know what, when you came to my apartment that night, acting all jealous as if you're afraid to lose me over Alex. You gave me hope. You gave me hope that I still have a place in your thoughts, that I am not an option to you, so I gave myself to you that night. The one that I cherish the most, my self-respect. But what did you do? As soon as you heard me tell you that I love you, you quickly removed yourself from me like I was a dirty whore."

"Was it that easy leaving me? Like what we had was nothing to you? Like I was nothing to you?!"

"Erin, please let me expla---"

"No!! No amount of explanation can justify what you have done and made me feel, Zac. I was an idiot, you know. Not because I fell in love with you, but because I thought that you had fallen in love with me too." He was about to say something but I raised my forefinger to stop him.

"But when you left that night, that's when it struck me that I will never be good enough for you. Since that night, I got it already, that I didn't mean anything to you." I scoffed and wiped away the tears and continued. "Honestly, I don't regret what happened anymore, because you made me realize that I should always keep a piece of myself for me, to survive but I still wish that I should've had walked away from you at the start and left things as is, as us exchanging pleasantries. That way, I wouldn't be hurt like this." I took a deep shaky breath. His eyes were now bloodshot red wherein anytime, tears will stream down from his eyes.

"I'm sorry it felt that way, but I swear, Erin, I didn't mean to do all of that. Believe me or not, I left you because I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want you to be---" he stopped when I slapped him in the face.

"Make WHO happy? Me?! Fuck you, Zac! Who the hell runaway right after sex to make the woman happy? Asshole! How the fuck did you think that a woman will be happy when the man she loves the most ran away right after sex as well as he hears her confess that she loves him? You left me, Zac. You left me that night to save yourself from commitment!" I pointed at his chest and hit him repeatedly. I want him to feel how it fucking hurts.

"No, baby. Listen to me please. Please listen to me." He held both of my arms pleading but I shook my head.

"I'm done listening and understanding you, Zachary. It's time for me to start listening to myself. Maybe, when the day comes that I am ready to listen to you again, I will be the one to show myself to you. For now, just leave me alone and go back home." I told him and pushed him gently until he's out of the house.

As I closed the door, I ran upstairs towards my room and wept. This was the first time I spilled everything I buried deep in me. It hurts because reliving those moments were painful. It's like taking the knife out from my heart and let it bleed.

Hello loves!

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Kimmypatata