Erin McAfee

I woke up super exhausted because I barely had sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning around the bed as memories starts flooding my head again, that were all triggered by Zac's touches and forehead kiss. He's messing with my mind!

I hate him! I hate myself! Why does he still have an effect on me? Why?!

I swear to God, if he shows up today, I will give him a piece of my mind.

I vowed that to myself and lazily stood up from my bed to get ready for the day.

As I was drying my hair with a towel, I heard my doorbell rang. I rolled my eyes because I know who it is. I ignored it and turned on my hair blower to completely shut the ringing of my doorbell from me.

I don't care if you freeze yourself to death or get callouses in pushing the button, as long as I don't see you again.

Half an hour later, I was done getting ready - I put a light make up and soft curled my hair, for my outfit for today, I'm wearing an oversized black sweater and tucked its front in my light blue high waisted jeans, and lastly, for my shoes, I opted to wear my chanel flats as I am still slightly limping.

When I got out from my room, there was a knock from the door. I clicked my tongue and again, rolled my eyes. I ignored the continuous knock and went to the kitchen to fix me some toasts. All throughout my breakfast, the incessant knocks became a bit agitated until I heard my name was being called.

When I realized that the voice who's calling me was a different one yet familiar, I walked-ran towards the front door and peeped at the peep hole. There I saw Dean, the owner of this cute house I am currently living in, standing on the opposite side of the door with an annoyed expression on his face while chilling. It's the start of fall here, although it's still not that cold but when you're wearing light clothes, as he is, you'll definitely got get cold.

With that, I quickly opened the door.

He was about to ring the bell when I opened the door.

"Oh, thank God!" He said in relief and immediately went inside.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I thought you're-- I mean I was getting ready that's why I didn't hear you." I apologized and gave him a friendly hug.

"Were you standing there long? Would you like to have hot choco?" I inquired and went to the kitchen.

"That sounds good, yes please. And yeah, I was outside for about 45 to 50 minutes." He replied and went to the toilet to do his business.

Sheeze! So all this time, he was the one ringing the bell, not Zac! Oh my God! See what I meant about him messing with my mind?

"Rough night?" Dean said as he sat on one of the dining chairs in the kitchen.

"Huh?" I asked in confusion.

"Did you sleep in? It's 9 in the morning, usually you're up at around 7 in the morning." He asked again and that's when I realized what he was pertaining to.

"Oh. Uhmm. Yeah." I chuckled nervously, I don't know why. "Anyway, why didn't you call me that you're coming today?" I asked, changing the subject.

"It was kinda spur of the moment. Astrid was craving some homemade kibbeling from Freyja, so I went here to get those from my mother-in-law. She also packed you some but it's still in my car. I will get it after I finish my hot coco." He said before he sipped the hot chocolate.

"I heard from Freyja that Astrid's pregnancy cravings are kinda making you lose your mind." I said and he rolled his eyes and I chuckled.

"Yup! But I'm enjoying it." He answered with a genuine smile and glint of happiness in his eyes.

"Oh, right! Why didn't you just call me instead of standing outside freezing to death?"

"My phone died." He stood up and took his phone and charger out from his pockets and charged it in the living room. "Anyway, how's your stay here? It's been a month since you came here." He asked and I told him everything that I enjoyed. It was nearing lunch time when he remembered about the kibbeling made by Astrid's mom.

"Erin, let me just get your kibbeling in my car and let's head out for lunch." I nodded, checked myself in the mirror, then took my bag from the couch. As I went near the door, I heard a muffled jangle on the other side of the door.

My heart was hammering because I distinguished the other voice. Oh please don't let it be him. Please...

But when I opened the door, lo and behold, a snuffy Zac and an annoyed Dean welcomed my sight. Both were glaring at each other. The former holding a bouquet of pink peonies while the latter's holding a big tub of kibbeling.

"I asked you who you are!" Zac growled at Dean.

"And I don't want to answer you. Who are you, by the way? Why are you here in my house?" Dean asked Zac annoyed.

"You're house?! Dude, I think you're in the wrong house, this is my girlfriend's house, now go away before I---"

"Before what? This is my house, boy. I live here. So, I suggest that you get out of this property or else I will beat the shit out of you." Dean raised his voice to which Zac got angrier.

"Enough!" I intercepted because I know Zac will gladly take the opportunity to engage in a brawl with Dean.

Both of them looked at me with a different expressions. Zac in confusion while Dean's in astonishment.

"Erin, do you know this guy? He's claiming that he---"

"He lives here. Yes. He owns this house." I continued and his eyes widened so much. If Livy's here, I bet she'd took a pic of this moment and laughed her ass out.

"What? H-how? I mean..." He looked at me and Dean simultaneously in disbelief. Dean on the other hand, stood beside me and placed his arm around me pulling me into him.

I looked at Dean but he just winked at me.

"Babe, do you know this man?" He asked sweetly then glared at Zac. If
you'll see Dean right now, you'll think that he my possessive boyfriend but if you know him, the glint in his eyes will give away that he's just pretending and that he's enjoying the moment.

"Get your hands off of her." Zac tossed the peonies on to his other arm to swat Dean's hand but I held his hand to stop him.

"Stop it, Zachary. Stop it! Didn't I told you to never appear in front of my face again? Why are you still here? Go home!" I said angrily because seeing him getting jealous because of Dean gives me the familiar sensation in my heart and it's making me angry.

"Baby, I told you I won't leave until---"

"We're over, Zac! Why can't you understand that we're done! That nothing's left between us! Go back home and never chase me again!" I pushed him out of the way and was going to walk out but he circled his arm around my waist, making him backhug me without caring about the bouquet of peonies that fell.

"No. Please, Erin. Please don't say that. Please give me one more chance. I promise I won't hurt you again. Please, love. Please don't end things between us." He pleaded and kissed my temple. I tried to remove his arms around me because his touches are so still as powerful as ever that can make my heart beat so fast.

"Get your hands off of me, Zac. Get off!" With all my might, I disentangled his arms around me and looked at him squarely.

"I didn't end things between us, Zac. You did." I pointed my index finger at him. By this time, we were attracting the attention of some of my neighbors but that's not my priority right now.

My priority is to get away as far as possible from Zac or else I would give in to him again, and I don't want that.

"I know but please let me explain everything to you. Let me..." He held my arm again and this time, it's hard to push it away because of his grip. However, it didn't hurt me nor will I get a bruise. But still, I struggled out of his hold. I looked at Dean for help and he pushed away Zac from me. To which the latter stumbled back from the force.

"She said don't touch her."

Zac looked at Dean briefly and directed his focus to me again.

"Erin, please. I know I was a dick but please love. Please give me a chance. I will do anything and everything you want me to do, just don't end everything between us." He begged and this was the first time I saw him being like this, begging like his life depended on it.

He tried to hold me again but Dean pushed him again and punched him on his right jaw to which he fell down the ground.

"Dude, back off!" Dean said angrily and held my arm to guide me to his car, but before I turn my back from Zac, I shook my head at him because I don't know anymore.

I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to react.

"Just please leave me alone." I said while the tears in my eyes were on the verge of streaming down. With that, I turned around and walked towards Dean's car.

Inside the car, I thought I would cry but I didn't. The tears that I was holding back didn't fall down as I expected. Weird but I'm actually thankful because I won't be showing my vulnerability to Dean. Although he's my friend as well as his wife, Astrid, I still don't feel comfortable sharing that part of my personal life.

I came here with a purpose, to start anew and to look for myself again, so telling them about why I went here in Sweden was like continuing to torture myself.

But Zac came.

When I thought my life's starting to go back to normal, he showed himself to me. He easily broke the premature walls that I'm building for him.

Why?

Why is he here? If he really was telling the truth that he didn't let anyone followed me and that our meeting was a semi-coincidence --- as Livy set him to come here, then why did we cross paths? Scheveningen is not that small for us to cross paths like that.

Is fate really testing me? Or playing with me? If so, why? What should I do to stop everything? To stop these annoying feelings I still feel for him.

If only I knew the answer...

I took a deep breath and sighed.

"Are you okay?" I heard Dean asked beside me.

I looked at him and shook my head.

"Do you want to hear my observation or opinion?" He asked again.

I shrugged, what's there to lose? He had seen how it unfolded awhile ago.

"He really loves you." I furrowed my brows at him and he's quick to explain what he said.

"Seeing the way he looked at you and claimed you as his girlfriend, it is love that dominated his eyes, not possession. The way he begged and threw himself at you screams that he really regret what he did to you. Yes, he's kinda arrogant, I can see it in him, but when you appeared, the arrogance in him quickly faded and was replaced by gentleness and remorse. I know I'm not in a position to meddle because I didn't know what transpires between you two, but I think you need give him a chance to explain himself." Dean said in all seriousness.

Honestly, I was kinda shocked at his observation. I mean, this was the first time he saw Zac and he had already deduced that about him. But I didn't see it in him, in Zac. All I'm seeing when looking at him are the happy memories we had and how much I wanted to recreate those memories with him, to which I detests myself for thinking about it.

I know, I still love him, but I want to stop. Why? Because we're not meant to be. When? As soon as possible. How? I don't know...

"You came here because of him, isn't it?" Dean asked again after some time of silence.

I looked at him and nodded.

"Yes, and he found me." I mumbled while thinking how we saw each other yesterday.

"You know what that means?"

"His sister, which also my best friend, set this up. Or he stalked me." I answered bitterly.

He chuckled and shook his head, which earned and frown from me.

"No, Erin. This means that you need to stop running away from him and that you need to face him. It's clear that you still love him, Erin, and I know that his sister, whoever she may be, thinks that you two or you alone, needed a little push towards each other for what, closure or to start again. Either way, you needed to face him for your own peace of mind." Dean explained and I sighed.

"But I'm not yet ready." I answered timidly.

"What are you readying yourself for?" He asked and in that moment, nothing came into my mind.

For six and a half months, I told myself that I'm away to rediscover myself and to prepare myself.

For the former, I believe I have already rediscovered myself. The self loathe I had was long gone now. But for the latter, just for what, exactly?

Prepare to meet Zac? But I met him again already... And nothing came out good for me. I'm still in love with him, he still makes my heart beat fast, he still steals my breath, and he still occupies my mind.

Nothing had changed.

WHAT had changed?

"I don't know, Dean. Everything's being so damn difficult! Right from the start, it was already difficult." I groaned and buried my face on both of my palms.

I felt him pat my shoulders and spoke again.

"That's love, Erin. It ain't difficult if it isn't love. You just have to be strong and believe."

"Believe in what?" I asked.

"In your heart AND in your mind. You have to balance your emotions and reasoning." he advised sincerely and ruffled my hair like how he used to when we were still in Amsterdam.

I met Dean through Astrid, his wife. Astrid was one of the local librarians in the library I frequent to in the city center. She's noticed me as a new borrower/frequent to their library and when she saw me all alone in the coffee shop next to their library, she approached me and had a small talk with me. Then, we grew closer in the next months and even introduced me to his husband, Dean, and the rest is history.

"You know, you'll think straight when we have already eaten. Come on, let's get inside." he said and opened his car door. That's when I realized that we're in the parking lot of a restaurant already.

Right! I was famished but I lost my appetite because of Zac.

But the way he acted awhile ago though, it was very different and unlikely. Usually and knowing him, he will assert his dominance and possessiveness when he's jealous or staking his claim to me. Instead, what I saw awhile ago was regret and desperation, he didn't even retaliate when Dean punched him on his jaw and fell on the concrete.

In contrast to my demeanor awhile ago, seeing him on his bum made my heart hurt. But seeing those sad and desperate eyes stole all my words away. That's why I just shook my head and opted to leave.

Those eyes were now very expressive, you can clearly see all of his emotions in them. It's like he's telling me that he's serious to tell me everything I needed or wanted to know. It's like he's willing to open himself to me, to show everything he had hidden from me.

Did he change for the better? Is he really showing me the real him or was he just acting?

Nonetheless, it has only been two days since I saw him, it's still early to conclude anything.

Wait... Hold on.

Does that mean I'm giving him a chance?

But I don't want to give him a chance nor to give him a chance to explain everything to me. Not because I don't believe him, but because I don't believe in myself, in my emotions.

Ugh. This love. Complicated, full of questions and uncertainties.

Maybe we are not meant to be? Maybe this is the universe's way to end my fantasy, that this love is something that wasn't real?

Shit!

Now, I'm overwhelmed by the things that I forcefully buried and not to think about these past six months.

What did I learn in these months?

Did I even learn something? Ugh.

Fuck!

Now, how can I make things right for me without fucking it up?

One thing is for sure, I still love Zachary but I don't think I still want him for me. Because as long as I love him, I know he will just break my heart all over again.

Hello, loves!!!

Did you like this chapter? For me, I hated it. I hate how Erin don't give Zac the benefit of the doubt, but then I can't blame her for the amount of times did hurt her, regardless of what Zac's intentions are.

Anyway, share your thoughts by commenting, I really really enjoy reading it. 😊

Also, for those who wished for my well being, thank you!!! I'm okay now.

Oh, before I forget, please vote for this chapter. 🤗

As always, thank you for reading my book. Keep safe, you guys.

xoxo,

kimmypatata