Zachary North

We need to end everything.

I'm done trying to understand you.

We're over.

Goodbye.

These four sentences are the knives that cut through my heart.

These were the words that Erin said to me. She's done with me and she's leaving because of me.

I can't blame her though because from the very beginning, I was such a difficult person to handle. I chased her without telling her my feelings, claimed her, blamed her for Livy's departure, told her that she's not important to me, and most of all, I left her after she gave me her purity.

She was nothing but patient. She cared for me, tried to understand me, and loved me. But what did I do in return?

I hurt her. Whether it was intentionally or unintentionally, it still doesn't justify the hurt I inflicted on her. If I had only listened to Neil from the very start, she won't be hurting right now. Or NO ONE will be hurting right now.

It's too late.

Regret is always at the end.

Erin's right. I had a lot of time to explain to her everything but I didn't and that's the chance I didn't take, the one I took for granted.

I took her for granted.

Maybe I thought that she will never ever get tired of me and that she will stick to me at the end. Which was true though. She did stick to me at the end but she gotten worn out with my attitude and I was the only one to blame for it.

It's too late. Everything's over now.

Those three words, I love you, was rendered moot already. Those words weren't enough once your love had already given up on you. I understand though, I really do. Who wouldn't get tired of me, right? A man who has tons of issues within himself.

Still, it hurts. It so fucking hurts to hear those words from her, that behind those words, were the emotional exhaustion I caused upon her.

I hate myself!

I hate myself!

I hate myself!

I crouched down to the floor and hugged my knees and rested my forehead on it while cursing myself mentally.

I didn't know how long I was like that until I heard a surprise gasp.

"Zac?" I heard Livy called my name. I looked up and saw her opened her door with Niccolo behind her, sporting the same surprised look as my sister.

Yes, I've been in front of Livy's apartment for God knows how long. As soon as I exited from Erin's unit, I went directly here but I was so consumed by my self-loathe that I didn't bother to knock.

"Oh my, what happened to you?" She crouched down and pulled me up. As we stood up, I hugged her.

"I fucked up, Livy. I fucked up." I mumbled and sniffed away the tears threatening to flow.

"Why? What happened?" She asked as she ran her hands up and down my back to console me.

But I don't think anything will be enough to console me. Only Erin will. Only her forgiveness.

I shook my head and just hugged her tighter.

"Come on, let's get you inside, brother." She patted my back but when I didn't move, she patted me again and firmly told me to come in.

I let her lead me inside and she sat me on her couch. She gave me a glass of water and told Niccolo to go home and come back tomorrow morning.

Seeing them together makes me sad and envious. They might have misunderstandings in the past and they may be forced to be in a relationship together, their love for each other still prevailed.

If only I was as confident as Niccolo was, Erin and I will still be together and I wouldn't be here disturbing these two.

"No. I'm fine. You stay here, Niccolo, I'll go." I stood up and both of them looked at me puzzled.

"No, man. I was just going home. It's fine." he assured me and kissed my sister's forehead. I remembered how much Erin likes to kissed in the forehead. Although she didn't say it out loud, I could see the sparkles in her eyes whenever I did.

Oh, the sparkles in her eyes whenever she sees what she likes and when she looked at me.

Now, it's lifeless, because of me.

I shook my head and buried my face on my palms when I remembered how much she suffered and cried because of an insensitive jerk, me.

"What happened?" Olivia patted my back. I looked at her sadly and shook my head.

"She's leaving." I whispered. "She's leaving because of me, Olivia." I held both of her arms to make her look at me. She then took a deep breath and gave me an apologetic look.

She knew.

"She called me awhile ago and she told me her plans." she affirmed my thoughts.

"It's for the everyone's sake, Zac." she said then continued. "She has to get away from here, to clear her miand and to sort things out on her own and by---"

"By getting away from me. Olivia, I don't want things to end between us. I love her. I know I was a jerk to her but I am willing to rectify everything. Please, Livy, please help me. Please tell her not to leave. Please, Olivia." I clasped both her hands tightly and pleaded.

"If I have to kneel in front of you, I will do it. Or I can give everything you want, just please, Olivia, tell her not to go." I was about to go on my knees but she halted me in doing so.

"No, Zac. I can't do that. Erin needs this, YOU need this. Things have been complicated between you two. Since the very beginning of your relationship, both of you did not address what needed to addressed. You both just focused on each other and what you had in the moment. And when issues got caught up with you two, you both still evaded it thinking it won't affect your relationship, but it did. It's not just about you leaving her after you made love to her, though it's what triggers it, but there's more, Zac. There are more things that you two needed to sort out by yourselves." she looked at me seriously, her blue eyes pierced through my soul.

"H-how did you know? I mean..." I couldn't finish because I didn't know what to say. I must say, since she knew about my situation with Erin, she became all mature and gives out heavy advises. Honestly, I didn't imagine her being like this.

"Because right from the start, I know you have feelings towards each other. Since you mistakenly thought that she's me and hugged her in the manor." My jaw fell when I heard it.

What?!

"Livy, it's not what you thi---"

"That's what I was talking about, Zac. You suppress everything to yourself to the point that you didn't want to admit anything to anyone. You think that you can control everything that's around you. For example, me. You let me be followed instead of asking me what happened to me and Niccolo. You controlled the situation, you blocked everything that concerns me from Niccolo. I know, Zac, that you're just looking out for me but you didn't have a say in it." she sighed.

"My point is, stop controlling everything. Not everything you can control. Your relationship with Erin, you think you can control it by making it a secret and you did, but look what happened. Look what it brought you. I'm saying is, for once, just do what you wanted to do without thinking of anyone. Stop controlling and delaying what's inevitable. Start living in the moment." she said and I swear my mind just opened when she said those.

All my life, I tried to control every situation so that I won't get hurt. I became one of the country's renowned playboy because I was busy running away from my issues that I know once I faced them, I will lose the upper hand in my own game. I suppressed my feelings towards Erin because I was afraid to tell my sister that I fancy her bestfriend. I let my sister be followed by my men because I was afraid to confront and share my grief with her as I was her big brother, the one who has to be her rock.

All of these things, I thought made me happy and content but happiness and contentment were far away from what it really are. It's what my father and Livy said, living in the moment.

Living in the moment is when you feel the thrill, rush, and euphoria without worrying the result the next day and that's what Erin gave me and I ruined it.

"You know what sucks, brother? It's you being the one who always cares more for others, but when it comes to yourself, you leave nothing. So, use this chance for you to think about yourself more, start loving yourself again, and stop controlling every aspects in your life. The only place you need to be a control freak is at the office." she smiled at me lovingly but it didn't take long. She furrowed her brows at me and raised her left eyebrow.

"And for starters, stop having everyone be followed by your men." I chuckled when I heard that but Livy hit my arm.

"I'm serious, Zachary, it's creepy. You need to stop stalking everyone especially Erin. You promised her that you won't stalk her, you need to honor your words."

I took a deep breath and sighed.

"Oh my God! Are you really thinking of having Markus to follow her?"

I gave her a tight lipped smile and leaned my head on her couch.

" I cannot believe you, asshole. Seriously, Zac, if I knew that you---"

"I guess it's time for Markus to rest." I took a glance at my sister and saw her shocked expression. I guess she didn't expect me to agree easily. If only I had the energy to take my phone out and snap a pic of her, I would do it, but I'm beat and hungry so let me just take a mental picture of her, I'm sure there are still days that I can see this ugly shock in her face.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Zac."

"I'm not, Livy. What you said was all true, besides, Markus IS indeed expensive. I need to tone down my favors because it's making me lose money." I joked and leaned my head onto my sister's shoulder.

"And I'm tired, Livy. I'm tired of being like this and I promise you, I will change for the better. It may be hard to let Erin go, but I guess I too need to sort everything out so that when we see each other again, I won't be the uncomplicated control freak jerk of a man she knew." I told Livy and I promised this to myself as well.

"mmhhmm. I love you, brother." she enunciated.

"I love you too, Princess." I replied.

***

It's been two and half months since I promised a self restructuring to myself. I even booked myself sessions with a psychologist to help me address all the issues I needed to address. And I must admit, I'm really really starting to feel good within me. Although it's hard and tough to face the repressed emotions I've buried though the years, I'm grateful for the support I'm getting from my family and friends, and of course, my will to overcome those.

Also, I spend a lot of time with my Dad, Olivia and Dylan, my friends, and went back to my hobbies --- such as golfing, yacht racing, and engaged myself to some charitable activities. As I did those, I started to spend less time in the office, at 6pm, I will be leaving the place. At first, Olivia had to drag me out of the building and with that, I am thankful to her stubbornness. If she didn't put her foot down, I guess my promise to myself would probably just empty words.

However, I still did not forget about Erin. Almost every hour of the day, I always look at her social medias to see if she has new posts. Sadly though, her last post was the flowers I gave to her five months ago. In addition, every night, I look at the pictures I took when we were still together and reminisce all the memories we had.

I just hope that wherever she is, she's safe, coping up positively, and happy.

This went on though for another four months.

I've come a long way now and I'm very very proud of myself. When they said you'll accomplish a lot if you have a clear mind, I thought it was just a petty saying, but it was true!

For the past two months, NGC has tied up with two major deals overseas to which the company's revenue soared up to 150% --- and that's only for those two deals. Add also the revenue that Olivia's division had garnered.

Of course, Dad, the shareholders, and the employees were very happy about the outcome. Olivia and I decided to give our employees a bonus this month straight from our own pockets to thank them for all their hardwork. In addition, Olivia got engaged with Niccolo.

Everyone seems so happy! Even little Dylan who doesn't know what engagement mean was so happy.

But even if I had everything sorted out with myself, I still long for Erin. There's no days I didn't think and miss her. I so wanted to ask Markus to look her up but I made a promise to her that I will leave her alone.

Which was hard --- so fucking hard. Last night, I dreamt about her return, she was in a blush pink dress, her hair's styled in a loose curls. She was so beautiful but what stood out the most was her eyes and her aura. The former was full of softness and calmness just like before, the latter though was so light to the point that it also lightens up your mood.

Because of that dream, I woke up today in a very good mood. Even though it was just a dream, it still means so much to me. I believe that wherever Erin may be, she's happy and content and that's all it matters to me.

"It's creepy when you smile like that." I was put out of my reverie when I heard Livy's voice. I looked at my door and saw her strutting her way towards my desk.

"Good afternoon to you too." I ignored her comment and started typing on my laptop.

"Whatever. So, what's up?" She asked and I raised my brows at her.

She sighed and rolled her eyes at me.

"Word around the company that big boss is in a very good mood today and I came here to verify. Which was true though. So, what made you smile like that?"

"Remember the deal with the Scotts?"

"The one you wanted 60% of the payout?" She asked and I nodded while grinning at her.

She gasped, "NO WAY! For reals? I mean... Did you really got the 60%? Did they really agree?" She asked in disbelief.

I flashed her my boyish smile and affirmed it through my eyebrow.

"Oh shit! Tell me the deets" She ordered enthusiastically but I shook my head.

"Zac, tell me how!" She asked in annoyance and I just shook my head again and brought my two fingers and tap my right temple to tell her that it was all in my head.

"Fuck you!" She cursed. I laughed at her outburst and she joined me.

"Oh wait, are you free this Friday?" She asked and I nodded.

"Can you fill me in? I booked my wedding dress shopping that day and I forgot to tell Nikkie to book my whole day so a meeting was set. Please brother." She pleaded.

"Meeting about?"

"Nikkie will send you all the details." She stood up and was ready to go.

"Wait! I didn't agree yet." I stopped her tracks.

"You already did." She winked and went out of my office.

Ugh. Why does she always gets what she wants?

Hello, loves!

Sorry if I didn't update on Tue and advance apologies if I won't be updating this weekend, but I'll try. 🤞

I'm curious, kindly comment where you are from? I'm from The Philippines 🇵🇭, btw.

Anyway, did you like this chapter? Please give it a vote. 🤗

xo,
kimmyhalder