Erin McAfee

I hate myself.

I really really hate myself.

I promised to myself that I will stay away from him and I will never ever let him kiss me again, or if he did, I will push him with all my might.

But here I am, resting my forehead onto him after we kissed, forgetting every promises I made for myself. His apologies made it worst though. I could feel his sincerity in them.

Why everytime he touches me I forgot every restraint and boundaries I set for myself? Why? Why was everything so hard when it comes to him?

Then, I felt him cupped my cheeks.

"I like you, Erin."

I opened my eyes and looked at him in disbelief. I didn't know if I heard him right or it was just a product of my imagination?

"Very much." His eyes held sincerity and I still couldn't comprehend if everything was real or not.

He gave me quick peck and spoke again.

"I like you, Erin. I really really like you." He smiled at me shyly and what was that, was he blushing? There's a hint of red on his cheeks... Geez. Was he really?

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

This was just an attraction for him or he pity me for catching him in the act. He's just atoning to his "mistake" for the sake of his sister.

So I pushed him hard.

"No! You don't like me. You just feel sorry for me because I saw you with someone else! Let me tell you something Zachary, you don't have to do all of this because of Olivia. I'm fine with everything. Just please stop everything and let's get back to normal. I am so done and tired of thinking, Zac. Please let's stop whatever's going on between us." I pleaded.

That was true though, I was so tired in everything. It's much better when I was secretly crushing on me than now.

"What? Did you not listen what I have said? I like you and yes, I am sorry for what I did but this isn't about it. This is about me having feelings for you. I wouldn't be doing any of this if I want us to go back to normal. I know you like me too, Erin, so please let's work everything out." Zac said in frustration but when it came to the last part, his eyes became soft and I could see every emotions in them.

"Why? For years Zac, why now? Was it because you knew that I am attracted to you that's why you're pushing yourself to like me? You need not do that. This is just a petty attraction that would fade away in time." I said and honestly, I hated myself for not denying what he had said about me liking him.

I mean, I should've said no I didn't like you but my big of a mouth just admitted it without thinking.

Erin, you're such an idiot sometimes.

"What? Where is this coming from? Erin, I swear to God, I like you because I'm. Into. You. Not because you like me. Why would you think that I would come to great lengths such as risking my friendship to Alex when I knew that he's courting you? What did you think that I kept on telling you to stay away from him even though he's my friend? What did you think when I risked both of us getting caught in the powder room of the Manor? Huh?" He held both of my shoulders and stared directly into my eyes.

To be honest, I didn't know what to tell him because that's what I was thinking these past few months. What do I think about his actions towards me.

Everytime I think of it, nothing came up in my mind but my unconscious was hoping that he likes me too. And I only knew it when I saw him and Josie.

I was focusing on denying everything but little did I know, the more I deny everything, the more I was caught up in my feelings for him.

There were lots of signals I was purposely evading such as the emotions in his eyes. Everytime he looked at me with those captivating green eyes that was so full of admiration, I kept on pushing the thoughts away and label it only as intense emotions.

Just like right now. His eyes were so full of deep meaning, it has this expressive power that can make your insides churn and at the same time makes you feel beautiful. And it was all directed to me. Only me.

I've seen him look at other women and never have I ever seen him look at them with the same intensity he's giving to me. To be honest, I didn't know what to say or to do.

So, I just looked down because it was way too much for me to handle.

And then, I felt him enveloped me to a hug. His body heat and vetiver scent was the comfort I was looking for. However, I didn't make any movement to hug him.

I felt him took a deep breath and rested his chin on my head.

"It may be difficult to believe but trust me, Erin. I adore you and I most especially savor every moment with you."

Oh my God.

My heart.

Zac, why are you doing any of this?

You're making me fall for you even more. Now, you really won't let me sleep the whole night tonight.

When he released me, he kissed my forehead and cupped my cheeks once again for me to look him.

"I guess this is enough for tonight. Take a rest now, Erin, and enjoy your cupcakes." Then he kissed me on the tip of my nose and smiled.

I was rooted at my place while watching him walk towards my door. When he opened it, he stopped and looked back at me.

"And for the record, you still look beautiful even when you have bags underneath your eyes." He winked at me and then shut the door.

What the fuck just happened?

Oh my God.

He kissed me, said that he likes me, told me partially that he was jealous of Alex, and most especially, he wanted to pursue whatever's going on between us.

Oh my God.

What would I do? Should I let him? Should I tell this to Olivia and Jowee? How about Alex? Oh nooo. Alex!

Geez.

What would he feel if I agree to Zac? I mean, of course I didn't lead him on to anything. I made everything clear for him that we're just friends, but I know he's thinking that he has a chance especially these days, we spend time a lot together.

Just like a while ago, we had dinner.

Wait... He didn't know what I feel towards Zac right? Even so, what would I do?

Geez!!! Why does everything becoming more difficult as it is?

Everything is soooo fucked up. The worse is that, I couldn't tell my best friends because I still didn't develope any balls to even mention my situation right now.

Ugh! God help me. Please give me courage to everything.

***
I parked my car outside the restaurant and checked myself in the mirror.

Today Jowee called us to have lunch, shop, and basically hang out with each other. It's been a long time since we three spent time with each other and I missed them also so much.

A lot has caught me up. Work, Zac, and Alex.

However, both of the alpha males were not in town and it kinda give me some space from all the stress both of them unknowingly gives.

At work, it's the same old tasks and I have gotten used to it already.

Zac, ever since he confessed to me that night, he never called me nor went to my apartment. All I got from him was a lengthy message telling me that he'll give me some space and that he'll be in London for two weeks. There was once he sent me a voicemail telling me how much he misses me and looking forward in seeing me once he landed.

Of course, I was so happy when I heard that but nonetheless, it didn't make my situation less difficult.

Alex, on the other hand, kept sending me messages, pictures of him on duty or just random pictures he took, and flowers being delivered here in my office as well as in my apartment. He has flights booked one after another and will be back here next month. Regardless, it didn't hinder him to send me those thoughtful acts.

See. This is so difficult for me sometimes, all I could do was to just sigh.

I smiled at the waiter at the reception as I entered the restaurant, I immediately saw my two crackheads laughing at something. The only time they noticed me was when I sat on the chair beside Jowee.

"Helloooooo my boo boo." Jowee hugged me excitedly while Olivia squealed.

"Oh my God, shush." I scolded both of them because we're attracting unwanted attention again.

"No one cares." Olivia commented and I shook my head and I called the waiter to take our orders.

After we placed our orders, Jowee was the first one to speak up.

"So, how are you two? It's been a long time since we saw each other and if I haven't arranged today, we won't be seeing each other. Let me start first..." She paused and cleared her throat.

I smiled at her drama queen actions and I admit, I've missed that. "I'm currently dating a man who looks like a turd but of course I was just joking. Hahaha. But for reals, I was so caught up with my work and I barely have time to loosen up. That's what I can only put on the table for now. So, you two, what up?" Jowee said casually.

"You annoying ninny. I thought you really were dating someone!" I voiced out because Jowee likes to play around and hearing from her that she's dating someone was a shock for me. However, she's not like other girls who likes to have one night stand. She may look like one but she only gives herself to someone she's in a relationship with.

"Whatever. So, what's up?" She asked again and Olivia was the first one who answered, quite cheerfully if you would ask me.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine around me. I enjoyed cooking with Mrs. Knights actually and she's fun to be with...except of course to the annoying parrot. But above all else, I'm happy nowadays. How about you, Erin? I heard from Niccolo that you and Alex are going out a lot these days. Is that why you don't have time with us anymore?" She asked me in a fake sad tone.

I rolled my eyes at her and shook my head. I raised my hand to Jowee to shush her because I know, basing from her expression, she will react dramatically.

"Alex and I are just friends. Nothing more nothing less. I cleared that to him since the day I had forgiven him. Now, us going out was just a friendly hang out so don't make a fuss about it. As per my work, I am stressed out with the new project Josie and I are partnering thus my schedule was kinda packed these days." I sighed and took a sip of my water.

"Oh. That explains the eye bags, huh?" Jowee commented and I nodded weakly.

"Does it really that visible?" Geez, it made me a little self-concious.

"Nope but we could tell since we've been seeing your face for about ten years now." Olivia said.

"How about your love life, Jowee? You don't have anyone you're dating?" Olivia looked at Jowee.

"None at the moment. I told I was so busy with the company and all that shit. Homegirl didn't have any time for her nails." She showed us her nails that's needed to be taken cared of. It looks like she only clipped it with a clipper and went out to meet us.

"How about you, Erin?" Olivia then transferred her inquiry to me.

"There's nothing. Although, Josie keeps asking me for an advise regarding her situation and I didn't know what to tell her actually." I took another sipped on my water and both of them leaned in ready to hear the tea.

"Oohh. Tell us." Jowee enthusiastically clapped her hands.

"She told me that she's kinda dating someone and that a man she's been crushing with these days told her that he likes her and wanted to date her. Now, she's asking my advise as to how she'll handle it." And yes, it was me, not Josie. So, after telling them, I mentally apologised to her in using her name.

This was the only thing I could think of to get their advises without compromising my situation. And of course, I kinda put some twist on the story so that it won't be the same as mine. These two are very good at sniffing your secrets out.

"Wait... What do you mean she's kinda dating someone?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know. She just said that both of them are spending time with each other but she's not labelling it as dating but from the third person point of view, they look like they are." I explained.

"Oh. And someone she has a crush on confessed to her..." She then voiced out and I hummed.

"Woah. Then ditch the one she's kinda dating and start dating her crush. That's all. End of story. It wasn't that difficult." Jowee said nonchalantly and scoffed.

"It's not that big of a deal, actually." She added.

"But the point is, she couldn't choose." Olivia added.

"It's simple. Choose the one she has feelings with. I don't know how it's difficult. She's just making it difficult." Jowee added.

It is really difficult, Jowee. Super difficult.

"J, maybe there's an underlying reason why she's having hard time choosing. She may like man B but she's afraid to hurt or dump man A. Or she's not sure about man B's feelings about her." Olivia replied to Jowee.

"Yes. That's what she's thinking. Also, she's thought that when she choose man B, man A would stop being her friend." I told them and that was true.

I didn't want Alex to stop being my friend. I enjoy his camaraderie, he's fun to be with but I really really see him as a friend only.

"Then she should tell both of them what she's feeling to those two men. You know, honey, miscommunication is the bitchest among bitchests in any relationships, be it in a romantic one, among siblings, friends, boss and employee, colleagues... Basically everything, you know. So, she should stop asking for any advises and start telling them what she feels. That's the only way." Jowee said.

"I agree. But does she have any feelings towards man A aside from 'friendship'?" Olivia air-quoted the word and continued, "I mean maybe she's feeling something towards him and she's afraid that when he leave her, the feelings she didn't know developing towards him will then emerge."

Yeah, I really see Alex as a friend only. I don't feel anything towards him and I am 100% sure about that. It's just that I value the friendship we have. That's all.

"Or she's afraid that when she choose man B, only then she'll realize that she's not the one she fantasized about, you know." Olivia added.

"Or, maybe she's scared that man B sees her only as someone he could date temporarily. You know what I mean." Jowee interjected immediately.

And to tell you the truth that's what I really feel towards Zac. I'm afraid that if I succumbed to my feelings towards him and he gotten tired of me, he'll discard me just how he discard other women. And I believe, when it happened, I have fallen in love with him hard.

And I know that once I opened myself to him, that's the point of no return.

"Yeah." I mumbled absentmindedly just to give them a response.

"How about you though, what advise did you tell her?" Olivia asked and panic rose inside of me.

Omg. What would I tell her?

"Yeah, among the three of us, you're the one who gives good advises." Jowee added.

Thank God the waiter chose to appear that time and placed our orders on the table.

Regardless, it didn't hinder both girls who waiting for my response so I answered what came into my mind.

"I just told her to think everything thoroughly before making a decision." I said what I have been doing lately.

"Yup. That's right though. Anyway, enough with Josie's life. Our orders here. Let's eat, I'm starving." Jowee announced and Olivia and I nodded.

I took a deep breath and sighed.

I guess this is all for today. Although I didn't get the advise I want from them, it's enough that I heard each of their outlook in my situation.

Also, it's nice to let out my thoughts to them.

Today, let me just shove everything at the back of my mind and enjoy today with my best friends.

Hello loves!

I hope you liked this chapter. If you did, please vote and comment.

Thank you.

xo,
kimmypatata