Chapter 40

These uneven and wobbly lines will gain meaning

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

Something hit my side.

My eyes opened to my dark room. My eyes felt heavy as they were trying to adjust but they soon became wide open when something hit my face.

"Ouch," I grunted, covering the side of my face that was hit. I pulled away to the pain shooting down my face. I pulled away before I was able to focus on the gasps in the bed.

Elise's hands were gripping the sheet, sweat covering her face. She was breathing rapidly, making painful noises in her sleep. Her eyebrows were furrowed, wrinkles coming around the corner of her eyes from how tightly she is closing her eyes. Her body was constantly shifting as if she was trying to run from her nightmares.

"Princesa?" I called out for her, touching an arm gently. She writhed away before I reached out to grab her arm again.

"Elise. I need you to wake up," I whispered to her. I wasn't sure whether Carlos or Dad could hear us before I didn't want them to come here and find her. Her breathing was getting harder and louder. Her face was contorting to a sense of pain as her breathing got worse.

I tried to hold her firmly to try to wake her up but she just pulled away and another arm hit me across the face.

I didn't expect it to hurt, but she hits fucking hard.

"Fuck," I muttered. At the sound of my pain, her eyes snapped open. She immediately pulled herself up from the bed, looking around with wide eyes. Tears were streaming down her face, which she wiped away quickly as she was still catching her breath. My shirt now drenched with seat was stuck to the curve of her body, and her hands were still shaking.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, too scared to touch her again.

She nodded, still taking a few shaky breaths.

"I need to use the bathroom," was all she said before she kicked the sheets off of her and got up to the bed. She walked quickly to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. The only thing I could hear from the bathroom was the water running for a long time. I got up from the bed, and turned on the lamp to wait for her to come back out.

But she didn't.

I turned my head to see 4:04 A.M shining in red neon lights. My body ached at the realization that we only slept for a few hours. I got up from the bed slowly and walked to the bathroom door. I tried to open the door but it was locked.

I knocked on the door tentatively.

"Elise?" I called out for her.

There was no response on the other side.

I knocked a little louder.

"Are you okay? Please, open the door," I requested.

I heard the water stop running.

"I am fine. You can go back to bed. I just want some time alone," I faintly heard from the bathroom. Her voice was hoarse and cracking like it was just worn out. It was weak, leaving me on edge.

Then I heard a sob that was quickly silenced.

I placed my head on the door and took a deep breath.

"You'll be okay, princesa. You just had a nightmare," I said through the door. I pressed my ear against the wooden door for any sign from Elise.

"I know. I will be okay. Just give me a moment," was all she said before she resumed back to her quiet sobs.

I sighed because I knew that this was her way of saying that she will not unlock the door. Not wanting to bother her, I took my forehead off from the door.

"I'll wait for you until you go out," I informed her her. She didn't respond so I walked back to the bed. I laid on the bed slowly, turning my head to face the bathroom door. I waited for her, watching the bathroom door with sharp focus before I felt my body relax on the mattress.

My vision went black for a bit before my eyes opened. This time, my room was bright. I turned to my window and notice that the sky was now a bright blue, realizing that the sun was up. I turned to look at the clock that was now shining as 6:12 AM.

Fuck I fell asleep.

I immediately turned and turned to see Elise was up on my bed.

She was holding a couple of papers on her lap, her eyes focusing in the sheets as a pencil was scratching over the white surface. Her eyes were rimmed red with bags that decorated her eyes. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun, stray pieces falling over her face.

"Did you not sleep?" I asked her, pulling myself up from the bed.

Her body jerked with surprise. She put a hand on her chest to calm herself before her eyes fell on me.

She shrugged. She dropped her papers on the side.

"I couldn't sleep," she said, rubbing her eyes for good measure.

I angled my head to look at the paper she was working on. One was a sketch of a part of a girl's face that reminded me of Elise's. In the drawing, pieces of hair fell over her face so it only showed a single eye that looks like it was shining bright until I notice the marks that Elise drawn in over her face. They looked like crack marks, like the face would fall apart any second now.

Then I saw another one of another girl, whose legs are splayed on both sides. Her arms were up before I realized her arms were connected to strings.

She was drawing out her feelings. Feeling like I was violating her personal space, I silently handed the pictures back to her. I looked at her face, and I saw pain and exhaustion.

"Maybe you should try to sleep," I suggested gently. "I can hold you until you do fall asleep if that will help with that."

She recoiled like she was about to reject my idea any second. But she paused, looking at me one more time before she nodded her head. Without saying anything, we both went back into bed, her head was on top of my arm. I cradled her in so she was looking at me. She winced as she rolled to her side from the bruises on her back.

"I'm so sorry for all of this. I hate that this happened," she told me, reaching out to hold my face. I felt her warm fingers graze over my cheek. I brushed my thumb along her lower lip, feeling the smooth texture on the pad of my thumb.

"You don't need to apologize for everything," I told her before planting a soft kiss where my thumb was. "None of this is your fault."

I was stroking her face. I let my hand brush over her baby hairs scattered on her forehead to running my fingers over her soft cheeks and the curve of her nose. I studied the few freckles scattered over her face and connected the dots. Her eyes were first looking at me with heavy concentration-almost watching me with caution.

"Thank you for everything," she eventually said, sincerity swimming in her eyes. I couldn't pull my face from her eyes, and for the first time since everything happened, there was hope on her face.

Four simple words that brought me down to my knees. Feeling too overwhelmed to say anything else, I only kissed her before continuing to hold her.

I kept repeating that she was safe and I would be here, tracing random paths around her eyes, cheeks, and nose. I did random patterns, whatever was coming onto my mind while focusing mainly on her. At first, her eyes were sharp with focus but then I saw them grow heavy as she started to close them as she fell asleep.

I didn't fall asleep despite my body objecting, worried that Elise would wake up. I kept watching her, who was now sound asleep in my arm. A single strand of blonde hair was resting across her face that was now turned into me. Her mouth was partly open as she was breathing steadily than she has been since she was here.

I wished I didn't have to seen her so beaten down. I have been wishing that none of this happened to her, and she didn't have to go through what she is going through. I thought what happened to Mom on the day of her demise was the worst of it- but I was completely wrong.

But at the same time, everything that happened so far led her to me and transformed her into the person that I fell in love with. She was the strongest person I know. That despite everything that happened in her home, she was able to laugh with me. She was still able to muster one of the most beautiful smiles I have came across.

She was trying to break free even though she was scared of the future. Through the pain came compassion, kindness, and empathy. It served as a powerful testament of I survived, and no one can take that away from me.

I didn't need to save Elise- she has been protecting herself all this time and survived a long time ago.

I turned my head to the drawer where Mom's letter sat.

Maybe I should be following in her footsteps.

Gently pulling my arm from Elise's weight, I quietly got off the bed to my drawer. Pulling the drawer, it felt like someone added hundreds of pounds to it. Finally able to pull the drawer enough to take the letter, I sat on the ground, leaning back on the drawer.

The note felt heavy on my hands, and I immediately started to doubt if I was ready. I looked up to see Elise sleeping on the bed. Looking at her and remembering everything I realized earlier gave me a surge of courage to look at the note.

I owed it to Mom.

I opened the note and started to finally read the letter.

My Dearest Nathaniel,

I am writing a letter to you because I know that you are the one who is going to find me, and for that, I am sorry. You must think I am selfish and bad mother to do that to her own family, and I would take all that pain away  from you if I could. Writing this on my bed, knowing what is going to happen next, is the hardest thing I have ever done as a mother. I don't want to write this to convince you this was the right decision because it might not.

I just want you to understand.

This is not your fault. Not one bit. It's not your father's fault. It's not Camila's fault. It's not Carlo's fault. Please don't spend the rest of your life thinking you did something wrong. I know you. You sometimes put too much of the blame on yourself, and I know you will do it again.

Don't do it.

I had a good life with good people. I have a wonderful family and friends, and I truly did have a happy life. I was truly blessed.

You are going to learn soon that there are moments of your life where you remember every single detail. There were many moments in my life I would never forget: my first day in the United States, the day I got married, the first time I held you in my arms. Those were moments that were forever in my mind.

One of those moments was when I was told I had cancer. Initially, I was hopeful that chemo will help. I knew it would not be easy, and that was a hell of its own. But then I was told that it wasn't working. Your father took me to every doctor he could find and researched any clinical trials that could potentially save me, but I knew that my mortality was on a countdown that I didn't know where was the end. I tried to hide it from you and your siblings as much as you can, but I felt my body dying. As I lay here writing this letter, I feel my arms aching from writing, and it's something I can no longer hide. Like a tree stripped of its bark, I was exposed.

And everyone could see that too.

Now I'm just the poor woman with cancer.

The darkness that came after the realization followed me like a fog, and at times, the fog became so thick and cloudy that it overwhelmed me. Losing my hair, my nails, my mind...just everything became a daily reminder of what is happening. That darkness wakes up with me and follows me to sleep. It seeps into any relationship I form, including with your father. Our marriage suffered heavily, but it's not his fault. I watch people suffer in pain because of me. I hear you crying quietly in your room from time to time or how you always try to be near (which I appreciate greatly), and its taking time from you.

I am failing all of you.

I try not to fail people, and be there for those who were there for me, but I'm failing you.

This isn't the first time I failed someone.

When I first immigrated to the United States, I met my best friend Rose. She always had my back as I was learning English and understanding the new country. You know money was hard for my family after leaving Mexico. It was Rose who helped me buy school supplies for me and my siblings because she knew we were struggling to afford them. It was her who picked us up in her car since our family could only afford one. She was the only one who encouraged me to go to New York for better opportunities for you guys.

After high school, I became pregnant with Camila so your father and I got married and left for New York. Rose met a wanderer who was in town for a while and that resulted in her daughter, Elise. By the time you were able to meet Elise, Rose met someone else and married another guy. I warned her it was quick, but she was in love and insisted he treated her wonderfully. However, I knew that she wasn't kind like the first man.

We use to visit Alabama every year to see family and old friends, but you were too young to notice but there were moments when Rose visited with bruises she was too ashamed to explain. I knew better.

I tried to invite Rose and Elise over as much as I could, even insisting she could stay with me in New York away from him. Rose didn't want to leave him. No matter how hard he hit her, she loved him too much to leave and always justified his actions, so I was just there for her when he got too rough.

She never shared a lot about what happens inside the home, but given her exponential growth in broken bones and bruises, I didn't need her to explain.

One day, Rose came to my home crying. I remembered inspecting her for damage, but there was no pain inflicted on her body. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that it wasn't her that was hurt this time: it was Elise.

You need to understand Nathaniel that a mother would give anything for her child. For Rose, her husband hurting Elise was her last straw. She told me in privacy that she wanted to leave, and for all the times she helped me, I was determined to help her. We had a plan to pack a few things and then buy Rose and Elise a one way ticket to New York City. They were going to stay with us until Rose was on her feet. Your father and I were the only ones who knew of this plan because you guys were too young to understand what was going on.

I was picking up some groceries for Abuela, and I bumped into Rose's husband, and I was so angry, mijo, that I just confronted about how I knew that he was hurting Rose.

"She would never believe you. She loves me too much to leave me," he said all he responded with with too much confidence and arrogance.

I was so angry I couldn't even think what was happening.

And I said something I will regret for the rest of my life.

"Too bad she will," I said back before rushing home.

It was a mistake because Rose died that night. I couldn't provide for sure he did it because the minute I said that to him, she was rushed to the hospital for falling down the stairs before dying of internal bleeding.

He must've pushed her. The doctors saw the fresh bruises on her body but they assumed it was from the fall, and didn't give it a single thought.

I tried to rush to the hospital as fast as I could when I heard, but it was too late.

I lost her.

He was there at the hospital, holding Elise in one hand while watching his dead wife with no emotion on his face. I saw emotion the minute his eyes fell on me. It was anger, mijo. Pure anger.

And he came up to me and said the only thing.

"You ever come near me and my daughter ever again, don't think I would approach any of your three children."

I had to make a choice to protect my kids at all costs. I knew what he was capable of, so I had to make a decision that I could never come to terms with: we have to stop coming Alabama for your safety. I got scared because it wasn't about me, Rose, and Elise anymore. I had to protect to you.

I always thought about her daughter. I dreamed about doing something about it, but I was afraid of failing and he comes after you. I had to put my kids first as your mother. It's my job. I only had the courage once to call child protective services a few years after leaving Alabama for good, but I don't know what happened from there.

I'm mentioning this here because I feel so guilty about what happened. I use to think the cancer was a punishment for my actions before, but to be honest, I don't care as much now. I only prayed that Elise was safe.

As for me... I am on a clock now. I don't want to lay down every night being afraid that I would not wake up the following day anymore. I can't spend the last days with my body failing me.

Do you remember when you took me to the top of the Empire State Building for my birthday? We went just the two of us, and we were standing on the top. I remember looking at the cars pass by and realize that the whole world will not stop when I die.

Life will move on after I leave.

I couldn't bear to see your father meet someone new and live with the fact that when I die, he will move on. Or thinking about how I will never see you get married or watch you go to college. This is the only thing I was sure of and it was in my control. I feel a sense of clarity for the first time since cancer. I'm not afraid to die because I know it's going to happen painfully or now. I am not afraid of the pain.

I want you to be a good person and happier times will come soon enough.

Don't spend your days missing me and being sad. Start living your life again. Take care of your siblings and father.

Leaving you all was the hardest decision I have to make. There is nothing in the world better than your sweet smile when you see me. You and your siblings are a gift. I am so sorry I won't be here to guide you through life, but just know that I will always be on your shoulders guiding you through every step. Your mom loves you more than you could possibly imagine, and you have so much to give to this world, mijo. I love you so much that I could not put words to it, and me having to leave has nothing to do with me loving you.

Thank you for being a wonderful son. Remember that you always make me proud.

Te amo, mijo

Be good, my son.

Mama

P.S. I hope you never allow yourself to believe I went through with it because you failed me in some way. All those nights you played video games me when I just wanted to cry . . . you have no idea how many times you've already saved me, mijo.

I dropped the letter.

And I started to cry.