Chapter 39

We are sitting in silence
In the world lit by a lonely sun 

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"Elise?" I said with shock. 

She put a finger over her mouth. I kicked off my covers to sit upright while Elise took a seat next to me. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. 

She is here in my room. 

I couldn't get that fact out of my head. I was on my bed speechless, unable to say anything. 

"Yankee-" she began, but got cut off when I grabbed her and pulled her close for a tight hug. She couldn't didn't say anything, wrapping her arms around me now. 

"Are you okay?" I finally managed to ask, pulling her back to inspect the bruise that was growing on her face. Her face was mildly swelling beneath her eye. "God, what did he do to you?" 

"I'm okay," she insisted. "It was just the belt. It's not a big deal. I'm okay." 

Just the belt? 

I shook my head. 

"That doesn't sound okay. Let me see." 

She held up a finger. 

"Wait a moment." 

Next thing I knew, she was straddling me. My hands held her around her waist to balance her. Her hands ran down my shoulders and down my arms with an easy smile before she started to kiss me. 

For a brief moment we kissed before I ripped away from me. 

"What are you doing?" I asked her, moving my head back when she leaned in for another kiss. 

She shook her head. 

"Nothing," she said before leaning in for another kiss. My eyes closed for a brief moment as her lips fell over me. "All I can think about was you. I'm just so glad to see you right now." 

She started to kiss my cheek before her lips landed on my neck. I felt her started to suck on my neck, and I moaned softly when she continued. As much as I wanted to keep doing it, I couldn't get the bruises out of my head. 

When I leaned closer to her body, I felt her body stiffen. My hands were trailing off on the rough hem of the shirt, and lifted it before I saw bright colors decorating her body. 

"Enough," I muttered out loud, using my hands on her hips to pull her off me. Before she could comment, I lifted her shirt high enough to further inspect. 

She yanked her shirt down. 

"Stop looking at them," she whispered, looking away from me. 

My eyes widened. "Are you kidding?" 

She shook her head, still not making eye contact with me. "I don't want you to look at them. Please don't ask to look at them, Nathaniel. Please don't. Please let's just resume kissing and normal couple stuff." 

I didn't say anything to her request, looking at her shirt. I scooted closer to her, and reached for the lower hem of her shirt. She didn't stop me as I lifted it up again. She put her arms up for me to take off her shirt, her eyes becoming distant and glassy. 

Pinche madre

Bruises were scattered all over her body. Black, blue, and red covered her body with cuts that were still bright red from freshness. Bile rose in my throat that I had to force down as I touched her skin. I traced her skin up to her bra strap, resulting in strong feelings that couldn't come out of my mouth. 

My eyes were burning from the side. 

"I am going to get the first aid kit and a cold compress," was all I was able to say to her. She nodded, wrapping her arms around her waist. I got up from the bed towards the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, I leaned on the counter and exhaled the breath I didn't know I held until I buried my hands into my face. I mustered up every ounce of willpower in me to stop myself from breaking down. I inhaled long, deep breaths as evenly as I could, hoping that I could stay strong for her tonight. 

But seeing her like that, knowing that happened next door. 

And I did nothing. 

I have been in the kitchen for several minutes at this point, and I knew that I had to come back at some point. Not wanting her to think that I was avoiding her, I grabbed the first aid kit from one of the cabinets and a frozen pack of vegetables that I wrapped around a towel into my room. 

She was exactly where I left her in my room, curled up and a look hat told me she was far away from this messy situation. 

I took a few shuttering breaths, and walked slowly to her bruised back. I sat on the bed at an angle where I can face her face. Her face was blank as she was looking away. Her eyes that were usually so clear were murky with an unreadable emotion. 

Her eyes blinked a few moments when she noticed I was there. 

"Hey," she whispered hoarsely to me. 

I couldn't say- or do anything- besides study the bruise that only seemed to be getting darker every second. It wasn't inflicted on my skin, but I could feel every inch of pain from it. 

Don't say anything, Nate. 

Don't tell her how you are failing her. 

Don't break down from the pain. 

Be strong. 

"Say something please," she begged quietly, looking at me. 

I wanted to, but my throat was dry. I was afraid if I open my mouth that I would lose every sense that I had on me right now. 

I handed her the frozen vegetable pack. She took it mutely, eyeing me with curiosity.  

"Put this ice pack on your face. I'm going to clean the cuts on your back," I told her, feeling myself falling. 

I looked up to her to study for her reaction. She nodded, first a tear broke free before I saw the rest follow in an unbroken stream as her head hung low. She took the ice pack mutely before planting it over her face. 

I opened the first aid pack to work on her face. I cleaned up at the excess blood, my fingers aching with every brush across her skin. Her body was shaking, most likely from the pain. 

Just the sight enough could bring me down to my knees. 

"I knew it," she whispered into the painful air. 

I looked up. 

"Knew what?" 

She did not respond for a moment, her body was only shaking harder. 

"I knew you were mad." 

I dropped the ice pack on the bed to look at her. 

"I'm not mad. I just am..."

Angry, in pain, and terrified about everything right now. 

"Speechless. I just want to focus on you right now," I finished, my feelings were at bay. 

I wanted to be strong for her. There was no greater feeling right now than the feeling to protect her from this. How the bruises that were marking her body stood out as a reminder that I was not able to protect her. 

She looked at me with a hollow expression. 

"If you want to break up, just do it," she said darkly. 

My face dropped. 

"When did I say that?" I asked with shock. 

She shook her head fiercely. "I just know it. You're not happy." 

I shook my head, wanting to grab her and shake that it wasn't true. I was planted on the bed, unable to say anything because I couldn't say anything besides that it wasn't true. 

"I'm not happy that he's hurting you. That doesn't mean I'm not happy with us." 

She looked up at me. "You really want to be with me?" 

Her voice sounded so hopeful. Her voice was so pure and sweet, that it destroyed me. It made me wonder how many times was she denied that feeling of belonging by that asshole. 

I cupped her face around the bruises her face leaned into my hand. 

"Of course. Nothing is your fault here." I kissed her on the cheek. I looked at her eyes fluttering shut. "Thank you for coming here." 

When she opened her eyes, more tears started to slip. 

"Why are you crying, love?"  I asked her. 

She pulled her face from my hand and wiped her eyes before more tears fell. 

"I don't know why is it so hard for me to believe you?" she started to cry, leaning on me. Without any thought, I wrapped an arm around her while she started to sob quietly against my chest. 

This wasn't the Elise I knew. 

She was scared. Broken. She has been changing and crying, and I started to wonder if any of the decisions I have done made her feel like that. She clenched her hands around my shirt as the sobs continue. I held her as tightly as I can, accepting that there was nothing I could do to make her pain go away, so I just held her like I use to hold Mom the few times she let me. 

I never wanted to let Elise go. 

I won't let go. 

I will be strong.

She continued to cry as I held her, and I'm trying so hard to be strong but I was breaking. I had no idea how she was able to even hold up at all. 

Eventually, her tears began to subside but they never ceased. She took her face off my chest and pulled herself upright. 

"I'm sorry about that," she sniffled. 

I shook my head. 

"Don't be. Why are you apologizing?" 

"This is all my fault," she finally said. 

I shook my head, hoping that she believe with all her heart that wasn't true. 

"It's not," I said with a sudden burst of energy. 

She shook her head. "But-"

I impulsively kissed her because I didn't know how to make her stop. That was all I wanted her to do. She looked up with surprise at me. 

"I want to have a rule," I announced to her, scooting an inch closer until our bodies are touching. She still wasn't wearing a shirt, and I could feel the heat coming onto my body. "You can't blame anything that happened today." 

She nodded slowly with uncertainty. She didn't seem to agree with what I said, but I just needed her to hear it. She leaned in for a kiss. It only seemed like kissing was the only way for us to communicate our feelings that we weren't able to communicate. 

She broke it off for a moment before she ran her hands over my arms and planting it on my neck. 

"Thank you," she whispered over my mouth. 

She got up to put her shirt back on slowly, flinching and moaning as she stretched her arms up to put the shirt on. She turned to look at the mirror and inspected the areas where her bruises lied fluidly like she did this many times before. 

That was before I realized she was leaving. 

"Where are you going?" I asked. I got up quickly and put on a random gray sweatpants that I found on the ground. 

"I have to go back," she insisted. 

My face dropped. 

"Why are you going back?" I asked with annoyance, feeling my eye twitch. "After what he did to you?" 

She shook her head. "I know he can get aggressive, but I'll be fine for the rest of the night." 

I shook my head that all the progress it seemed like we just gained was just undone. 

"Why are you justify what he's doing?" I demanded quietly, blocking her from door. My mind wasn't able to process what she was doing. "Elise, he is abusive. Stay here. Fuck the plan. Just stay here for the two days." 

She looked up with me with equal annoyance. 

"Stop saying that." 

My eyes widened. 

"Stop saying what? That is he abusive?" 

She glared at me, getting closer to me with her chin up to look at me. 

"Stop. Saying. That," she gritted through her teeth. 

"Why? It's the truth," I countered back. 

"Because it sucks," she exclaimed with an exasperated sigh before going quiet again. She took a few shaky breaths before saying, "That is all I have ever known. I don't need you to keep telling me that this is not okay because I know that. If I go, I know what happens. If I stay here, I don't know what happens next." 

She didn't want to stay with you because she's scared. 

Feeling more understanding of her situation, I tried to give a hopeful smile and force myself to open up. The thought of sharing personal feelings only brought pain to my chest, but I had to do it for her. 

I will be strong. 

"I'm sorry for being an asshole. This is scary for me too," I admitted to her. "Everything that is happening to you is breaking my fucking heart, and I have no idea what to do. I want to be there for you and help you but everything I'm doing is wrong. I get where you are coming from, but it fucking sucks because you don't deserve this. You don't deserve this fucking life and there is nothing I can fucking do about it to make it better. I'm trying to make it better, but I can't and I feel so helpless." 

Too overwhelmed with emotions, I sat back on the bed, and watched her. She hasn't said anything since her outburst, her eyes glassy and she hasn't stopped hugging her body since she got up.

She looked so fragile. 

"If you want to go, you can. I won't stop you," I said despite everything was telling me not to. "Just let me know that you are safe. I trust you." 

Elise didn't say anything for a moment. We stood there looking at each other with empty eyes and looks of despair. I was waiting for her to leave- like she always did. 

But she stood there. I didn't realize she was slowly inching towards me until she took a seat on my bed. She reached for my hand, interlacing our fingers. 

"Can I borrow some clothes to stay here for the night?" she asked quietly, looking at me with wide innocent eyes. 

I nodded wordlessly, getting up to grab a clean oversized t-shirt and boxer shorts for her. My body was still in shock from her question. 

She is staying here with you. 

She is staying here with you. 

"Of course. I will turn around," I told her. 

I turned around for long enough for her to quickly toss on my clothes on her. She was beautiful. Even with her mussy hair, her skin still red from fresh bruises and tears, and her eyes showing bag. 

I put her clothes on my dresser.

"I'm going to grab some sheets so I can sleep on the floor. You can take the bed," I told her. 

She shook her head slowly. "No need for either one of us to take the floor. Lets both stay on the bed."

My stomach flopped over the idea of us sharing a bed together.  

"Are you sure?" I asked uncertainly, worried that might trigger her in some way. A large part of me hopes that this is for real, and she won't get too nervous about it. 

She nodded and gave a hesitant smile. "Yeah. I would like that unless you don't." 

"No I definitely do," I said quickly. Elise sat on the bed as she watched me clear off the bed from the first aid kit and random frozen vegetables I mentally noted to put back in the kitchen this morning. 

I turned around, and saw that Elise crawled back to sit upright against the headboard, watching me. I walked to the other side of the bed, sitting on the bed to look at her. We smiled as we crawled into bed together under the very thin blanket. 

I turned off the lamp before fully settling in the bed. I was lying on my back, looking up at the rotating ceiling fan like I always did. I tried not to focus on the girl next to me. I was ignoring the thought of just easily reaching over to hold Elise. 

But then I felt her inching closer. Her hand first touched my arm before I felt her body slowly press against me. I wrapped an arm around her, her head was my shoulder. She sharply inhaled when I wrapped an arm around her. 

Her body was warm and she smelled so good- like strawberries and home- that I pulled her closer to me and closed my eyes again. 

"Is this okay for you?" I asked her with my eyes shut, feeling myself drifting off to sleep. 

I felt a hand wrap around my waist. 

"Don't worry about me. I am stronger than I look." 

I chuckled. 

"I never doubted that," I said that. 

A few moments have passed. Her breathing was steady, and I felt myself drifting off into oblivion. Having her next to me was heaven- like a personal getaway to a happy sleep. 

"What if he comes here?" I heard her say far in the distant. 

Eyes closed, I knew she was talking to me. All I do is groan before I mumbled, "Well, he can wait until the morning." 

And that was the last thing I said before I fell asleep.