Chapter 35

How do you help someone
When you youself are drowning? 

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"YOU SEEM DISTANT TODAY."

I looked up from the table to my father and brother. 

"You haven't touched your food. You love Abuela's cooking," Dad then said, gesturing to my full plate of homemade tortillas Abuela made with beef and beans. 

The tortillas reminded me of Mom in our kitchen back in New York, humming to tunes of Selena Quintanilla while making fresh tortillas with fresh masa she got from the store downstairs.

"Sorry. I'm just not hungry," I told them, shifting my food around some more for good measure.

Dad decided to come home for lunch before returning to work, bringing some food Abuela made with him. When he arrived with an uneasy smile with an offer for lunch, Carlos and I gave each other curious glances before accepting the lunch offer.

Carlos and Dad were talking away, but I stared at my plate blankly when I thought back to David's words.

"Probably thinking about his novia," Carlos snickered. My head snapped up to look at his grinning face.

"His what?" My dad asked with shock.

"My what?" I echoed, feeling uncomfortable because it was true. Trying to act cool, taking a bite of the tortilla with some meat. I chewed it a few times, trying to act normal despite Carlos shaking his head.

"You're a terrible liar. I saw you with some blonde chick the other day. She has to be your girlfriend," he informed Dad, getting up from his seat with his empty plate.

She was right. We weren't being as subtle as I thought.

Dad's eyebrows shot up when he looked over at me.

"A girl?" Dad finally asked like he didn't expect that.

I turned to glare at Carlos, who was now drying his clean plate, and I nodded, "Yeah."

I got up to put the food away after deciding I wasn't hungry. When I walked towards the fridge, I noted my father's laptop out on the counter from the corner of my eye, tucked away next to his brief case.

Dad hasn't mentioned Gina since the picture he showed when Camila came. After she left weeks ago, he still hasn't mentioned her. In fact, eh rarely discussed anything about her.

I couldn't help, but be curious.

"It explains where you disappear to. Is that why you always keep your door shut as well?" Carlos asked me like a rat. I glared at him to shut up, avoiding Dad's glare on me.

"Nathaniel. Are you keeping your door shut with a girl inside," Dad began, but I put a hand up to stop him.

"That isn't why I close the door Dad," I cut him off, concentrating on cleaning the plate in my hand. "I close it because Carlito keeps annoying the crap out of me."

Carlos was laughing at the nickname before walking away.

"She's hot. That is all I will say," Carlos shouted through the hallway at Dad. I cringed at his words, not sure how I felt about him describing Elise like that.

"Thanks, I guess," I finally uttered. I glanced at the side at Dad's laptop, only a few feet away from me. I casually strolled over, and leaned against the counter, eyeing it. Dad was focused on finishing his meal for him to notice me staring at his laptop that was lying casually.

"What's her name?" Dad asked.

"Elise," I looked at him, seeing if there was any recognition in the name considering he thought her name was Eliza. Dad nodded with approval, clearly not fully understanding the name and that he met her before.

"When do we get to meet her?" he asked, picking up his empty plate to wash.

I made a face.

Probably whenever she texts me back. I looked at my message on my phone that I sent to her two days ago. 

Me: Hey. I'm sorry for fighting. I just wanted to check in and see if you are okay

Me: Also I am so sorry. You were right. 

It has been two days since she has responded to my messages. I knew she probably saw it and I didn't want to keep asking her. I learned my lesson for pushing her. I'm not going to do it again. 

That was why I wanted to say. To explain why we are in this position seemed too complicated for my Dad to get at this point. I couldn't even wrap my head around it myself.

"I'll let you know when she comes over," I replied instead, discretely swiping the laptop when my father turned his back to wash the plate. With the laptop hiding under my shirt, I turned to quickly walk away. "I'm going to go to my room. I'll talk to you in a bit."

Before Dad could comment, I already rushed down the hall and shut my bedroom door. I pulled the laptop from under my shirt, and plopped on the bed.

The first thing I noted when I opened the laptop was a picture of the entire family on the beach with Mom.

We didn't have a lot money growing up. Dad and Mom left Alabama after graduating to start a new life in New York City with no college degrees and Mom was pregnant with Camilla. While Dad eventually got his associates degree to become a paralegal, money was still tight all my life. Regardless, Mom always managed to find a way for us to go to Mexico almost every year or travel somewhere else.

That year, she convinced us to all go to Cancún to take a picture in all white with other family members. We were tan from the sun, and grinning with the ocean water in our feet. Because this photo was taken a few years ago, she still had a full set of pitch black hair that fell over her shoulders and a smile that wasn't taken by life yet.

We were all smiling, naively happy in the photo.

Then I noticed that the account was password protected right below the picture. I internally groaned.

I knew it was too good to be true.

I stared at the blank password box, mentally coming up with possible passwords that he would use.

"What is his password?" I mused to myself, tapping on the keyboard to help my train of thought.

Think Nathaniel. Think.

AntiaHernandezMcCoy I typed into it. A denied screen showed up on the computer immediately when I pressed entered. An exasperated sign fell out of my mouth, and I tried again.

AnitaMcCoy I typed in. The denied sign came up again.

I tried other members of our families name, which bared the same results. I tried to add some common numbers and passwords I know that he used before that came up in denial. I sighed, and let my head hit the back of the headboard in frustration.

My luck ran out, because my father opened the door. I immediately slammed the laptop shut, looking at the look of surprise on my Dad's face. He looked down at the laptop, and I saw a worrisome look grow on his face.

"Why do you have my laptop, Nate?" He asked with confusion.

I visibly gulped. 

Busted.

"Nothing Dad," I replied to meekly. His blue eyes stared me down suspiciously, eyeing the laptop again. He took a few steps forward after closing the door behind him.

"Nathaniel..." he repeated my name in a warning tone that hinted that he didn't believe me.

My heart beat loudly against my chest. I took a few deep breaths, looking around for anything that could get me out of this situation.

There only seemed like two choices in this situation: tell him the truth and confront him or lie.

I already knew which route I wanted to take.

"I was just going to watch porn," I blurted loudly. My father's questioning expression morphed into one of pure shock.

"What?" he asked though we both knew what I said. His cheeks turned a slight shade of red, and he coughed loudly. He started to rub the back of his neck, avoiding my stare now. I shifted uncomfortably, feeling my own cheeks flush.

"Um...yeah. Having a girlfriend makes me...have urges. You feel?" I stuttered, feeling like melting into the ground and die. Dad's face just turned even more red. I pushed the closed laptop away from me.

"Uh, what?" my father repeated. 

I got up from the bed quickly. Avoiding my Dad, I handed him the laptop.

"Just have the computer back, Dad," I half begged. My father stared down at the laptop uncertainly. Not ready to look at him, he accepted the laptop.

I needed to get out of here.

"No! It's fine. I get boys your age deal with these things," Dad insisted, but I shook my head.

"I'm just going to go for a run instead," I responded, no longer in the mood to search for Gina.

It was true. I was going to run. My dad looked at my athletic shorts and white-shirt attire which was my normal clothes when I want to go run. He still hasn't moved from his place, laptop in his hand. His face didn't return to its white color so I'm sure he wants to be here less than I do.

"With David?" he asked.

"Nope. By myself."

He didn't ask about Elise, but he wouldn't leave my room. He was looking at me strangely, so I wanted for him to say what was on his mind.

That was how Dad worked when he was trying to process something. He just stands there and thinks until he was ready to say something. His eyes seemed focused on me, and a frown was growing on his face. He held his laptop thoughtfully, and looked at me.

"You know if something is bothering you, you can always talk to me. You are my son. I want to know if you aren't okay." he finally said.

My shoulders hunched over at his comment, trying to ignore the fact he hit my feelings dead on. I wasn't really trying to be discreet with my issues, but it was the first time since I moved here that my own father asked me if something was wrong.

Better than his usual borderline denial.

"I'm fine. Just need to get some air," I lied to him.

I gave him a weak smile, which he similarly reciprocated.

And just like that, I managed to slip out of the house and went for my run.

I stayed indoors for the rest of the day.

After returning from my run, Carlos kept me company, playing video games and talking before he went back to his room for the night. It was like old times before everything with Mom happened. It was nice to have someone else kept me company, and felt a little normalcy.

Even if it was for a small moment because that is the only way I get normalcy.

Occasionally I peered over at her house, seeing the lights on across the street and noticing the curtains occasionally moving. I tried not to think about that though.

I returned back to my room. I used the rest of the time to practice the guitar and writing some more lyrics that were trapped inside my mind onto the notebook. The lyrics seemed to be flowing through my mind from today, seamlessly falling into place with tunes that were trapped in my mind until the late night. 

The only thing that was distracting was the folded piece of paper that I kept in my drawer. It wasn't doing anything particularly special but I couldn't stop eyeing the drawer with Mom's notes. My hand was twitching because it was tempted to read it, but my mind shut down any chance of that was happening. It was ironic that after I spent over a month trying to figure out why Mom died, and she wrote it out on a piece of paper, I was too chickenshit to read it.

Part of me believed I couldn't get the answer, and now that I do, I have no idea what to do with it.

My started to ring, fortunately blocking the temptation to read it. When I saw Elise's name on the caller ID,  I immediately picked up the phone with a sense of pathetic eagerness.

"I know you're probably pissed at me, but can we talk? I am outside of your backyard door," she said in a breathless voice.

The moment I said that it was okay, she hung up the phone. Getting up from the bed slowly, I quietly walked down the hallway to the kitchen back door where she said she would be. Through the glass door, I saw Elise standing there with a serious look on the face.

Her hair was down, falling over her shoulders. She was wearing a simple, pink short-sleeved shirt and jeans that shaped her curves. Her face looked clean from bruises or any marks, and I sighed in relief without realizing.

I opened the door to allow Elise in. She entered in quietly, and I didn't say much.

"Hey. I'm so sorry," was all I could say.

"I wanted to text you earlier, but the past days were crazy. We all just got back to the house after all this time, and I wanted to see you. I missed you," Elise began loudly but fell silent when I gestured her to lower her voice with hand motions.

I put a finger over my mouth to indicate for her to be quiet. Shutting the glass door behind her, I gestured her to follow me through the hallway back into my room. Elise remained silent when she was following behind me. She walked past me when we entered my room, and I shut my bedroom door behind her.

"You have been home all this time," I finally responded to her comment about just coming back home. "I saw you. Your lights were on."

Elise sighed, rubbing her arms.

"My family had stuff to do," she responded vaguely.

She reached out to pull me back to my bed. I put my guitar and notebook away, so I can sit comfortably next to her. She put her arms around me immediately, burrowing her face into the side of my neck.

"You have no idea how good it is for me to see you," she muffled.

Four days.

I kept Sabrina's words in my head. It was four days until it was over. 

She pulled her head up to kiss me, wrapping her arms tighter around my neck.  She pulled me closer, pulling her body against mine. My body was on fire from her touch that I haven't felt in so long. Every muscle in my body tensed up so tight that everything just stopped.

We haven't spoken about the fight, and it was something sitting on the tip of my tongue. We never had a fight that bad before and it felt like everything was back to normal. 

Nothing was functioning anymore. I couldn't breath or move. Her fingers on my waist made me breathless with a familiar tingly sensation that I haven't felt in a long time.

I cradled her head in my hand, losing myself in the kiss. The moment my hands fell on the side of her neck, she tensed. Like a water dumped over my head, that minor movement brought me back to reality.

I broke away the kiss in an attempt to focus.

"Nathaniel-"she whispered close to my mouth, pulling me close before I pulled away.

"I know you've been home for the past two days, princesa," I insisted to her. "What was going on?"

She pulled back, and her face darkening at my question.

"Nothing," she lied. She wasn't making eye contact with me at this point, and I felt myself sighing with annoyance.

"Are you okay?" I asked, shifting her hair that was slightly frizzed from the kissing. I looked at her beautiful face for any indication of any events that have transpired, but she gave me nothing.

She nodded her head. "I just have been dealing with stuff at home. Are you okay?" 

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I took a deep breath, and looked at her again.

"I wish that you just texted me you were okay," I began, trying to keep my voice. I swallowed any sign of anger that appeared every time I looked at her. "I sat here this entire time, looking over at your house and thinking if he is hurting you. I thought he might've caught us and something happened. You couldn't even send me a text once saying that you are okay?" 

My voice was beginning to rise, so I took a deep breath because I didn't want to wake Carlos and Dad up. To my surprise, I heard Dad come home a few hours ago, which was the first time in a that I saw him wandering our home in the night. From the loud snores from his room when I walked past it earlier, he was passed out.

She gestured to her body. "I'm fine. He didn't find out. I can prove it to you too."

She grabbed my hands, and planted them on her waist. My fingers curled around her waist as she dragged them up her body. I watched my hands go around the curve of her breast before planting them firmly on her shoulder. I didn't know how to handle this Elise. 

This Elise was different than the panicked Elise I saw the other day. 

My hands stayed on her shoulders, feelings my hands warm under her touch. She leaned closer, feeling her breath over my mouth again. 

"I'm telling you I'm okay," she insisted. "I'm sorry for not texting. I just didn't know how to talk to you after our last conversation." 

Like my hands, my mouth tingled from her soft breath. I looked at her pink lips, slightly glistening from the soft light.

I looked down. "I get it. I'm sorry too. We don't have to mention any of that." 

I wasn't sure who initiated it this time but we kissed again. This time it was more rough. Her hands started to run over my body before they started to run over the waistband of my sweatpants before reaching the edge of my shirt, silently urging me to take it off which I obliged. tossing my shirt aside, I pulled her closer. Her suddenly running through my hair, gripping on the strands.

My hands did the same, feeling them run under her shirt. We fell back on the bed, she was planted on top of me while she touched me. All I wanted to do to is to succumb to her warm touch. I wasn't sure how long we were kissing but soon, I started to move up her jawline, while she was breathing hard.

I couldn't stop thinking about the house with her Dad, which was enough to make my blood go cold. 

We needed to talk because neither of us are talking about the same thing. 

"Elise," I sighed, pulling her away from me and adjusted my sweatpants. "Can we talk?" 

She adjusted her shirt slightly. Her lips were slightly swollen and pink. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and her hair was mussed.

My feelings were running rampant, but I knew that it stemmed from somewhere else.

Fear.

I took a few slow breathes, trying to control my roaming emotions and corral them to push them away.

I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

"Don't be mad at me, please. I know what I did was wrong and you have ever right to be pissed," Elise insisted. I felt her weight on the bed as she inched closer. She took a seat next to me, and placed a hand on my thigh. Her voice was soft this time, slightly cracking at the end, and her hand turned into a fist over my thigh, slightly grabbing part of my sweatpants. "I can't handle you being mad at me."

And just like that, my frustration broke through when I realized how much this is hurting her. 

I didn't care about the fight. I was just glad she was here. 

"Come back on the bed. Let's lie down," I was the only thing I responded to her.

I crawled back on the bed, leaving an open arm for Elise to come roll through. She eyed me curiously before she travelled across the bed and settled into my arm. My senses were ambushed by the scent of strawberries again, and I felt her warm body against me.

I didn't want to argue anymore. Not with everything going on with my life with Dad.

I just wanted a moment of peace.

I didn't want to feel bad. 

"I'm sorry that I got mad at you earlier," I apologized quietly. "I'm sorry I am in your business, and I asked. Just...don't lie please. And don't..." I trialed off, unable to say the last words. 

"Don't what?" she repeated.

I got up to look at her.

"Disappear like that," I said with exhaustion, I took her hand on my lap and entertained our fingers. "You're not alone now. You don't have to tell me everything, and I will try not to push, but you can't not text me like that and lie. You need to trust me a little bit more than that."

Elise didn't say anything, looking at me with an uncertain look.

"You're right. I'm sorry," she sighed, leaning heavily into me. "I just hate how much of a freak this makes me feel. I feel like sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing." 

Her body crouched against mine like I was the only source of comfort she could find. 

"Can I be honest? I don't know either."

There was a moment of silent. Her hand was tracing over my chest. 

"I thought he found out," she said out loud. "I thought that guy at the bowling alley would tell him. I didn't know if he found out so I wanted to be on my best behavior. I didn't want him to get suspicious." She raised her head to look at me. "It was hard. I didn't want you to think it was easy because it wasn't." 

I looked at her curiously. "Would he get mad?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I never had a boyfriend before." 

I touched her hair. 

"You know you are going to be okay? Right? Four more days," I told her. 

She nodded slowly, her eyes widening when she realized how close it was. "Can't wait. You also owe me a bowling date, remember?" 

The words pulled me back to the memory and I grinned. She looked at me with a shy smile that made me melt a little. We kissed before she broke away, looking at me with a bright expression on her face. 

These were the times I loved. The addicting connection where that was all I could think about. Where I could forget everything and talk about the stars. I wasn't sitting down. I was moving, my brain racing in ways I didn't know I had me. 

But these dark times were something else. It dragged me down, lower than I have been. 

I clutched her tighter. 

I knew I was drowning. The dark sea was consuming me, and no one there to hear my cries for help.