Chapter 33

I woke up alone today
But this time I knew you were not going to be around

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ELISE TODAY. 

It became easier to recognize the signs as we continued to spend more time together. As if I was checking the weather, her eyes told me everything I needed to know. All I had to look was for the shine or the storm behind the eyes. 

Right now, it looked cloudy, which is the most challenging. It can mean a tornado is about to run through our relationship or that it is just simple clouds that will eventually pass for the sun to come out again. I started to learn that I never knew what the hell was going on, where it can go from make out sessions to awkward silent, but I knew deep down that it will always end up with her in my arms. 

That was when I realized how fucking soft I have gotten. 

"What are you drawing?" I asked her, watching her lean back against the same tree and the worn sketchpads. 

She stopped her drawings to look at me. 

"Take a look. It's a little rough," she said, angling her sketchpad to show me. My eyes widened at the image. I loosened my grip on the guitar at the sight. 

"Wow." 

It was me-well not me, per se, but my guitar and my notebook. It was driven with elegance, beautifully detailed with the faint lines running over its body to the scratch that that was caused when my guitar bumped into my bed frame a few months ago. The notebook was wide open, with musical notes coming out of the page. 

"What's wrong, Yankee?" Elise asked, even using the nickname to soothe keep it light hearted though I knew it was strained. "Is it that bad? I know it's early on, but-" 

"No it looks great," I interrupted her before she took it wrong. "I just look peaceful." 

It felt like a lie to see me relaxed, when I knew it was nothing beyond that. 

"You make me peaceful," she said shyly. Any clouds in her eyes disappeared, and I smiled. 

I pulled myself up to sit next to her and leaned in for a kiss. 

"I'm glad," I said, my breath falling over her lips.

I crouched back to my spot by the tree, and picked up my guitar like an old friend. I played some tunes that were running through my mind all day that was dying to slip out. I tested some chords before I hummed a tune that I thought would go well.

"You should sing out loud," Elise observed, a hand landing on my leg.  "You've been humming like crazy today." 

"Oh yeah. I guess I don't really sing out loud," I commented. "I do jam sessions with David though and that was fun." 

Before the fight, we started to hang out more and jam out. This time, I tried not to hide the fact that I sing like I use to, and it was liberating in ways I didn't realize. Since the fight, I haven't even texted him. 

I should've texted him but I was so angry at myself. I was normally in control. I didn't get angry like this. I didn't always feel like I was loosing my sanity, but during that moment with Elise and Mom, I felt lost. 

"You should sing for me" Elise said softly, her fingers still on my leg. 

"Do you have anything in mind?" I asked, propping my guitar up. 

"Whatever comes to the heart," she responded. She gave me a smile that melted me. "I know you write songs for the past while but only if you are comfortable."

I have written songs. I was writing many about everything, including Elise. Part of me debated about showing the music because I haven't actually played my own music to anyone. I didn't think about that until now. 

My anxiety quickened. I wasn't ready. Maybe for now play it safe and see. 

I started to play the first song I remembered the chords too, playing the tune until I felt comfortable. Even though I focused on the guitar, I felt Elise's cheek on my shoulder, stopping her art to listen. 

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea
I'll sail the world to find you
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see
I'll be the light to guide you"

"You can count on me like one, two, three
I'll be there
And I know when I need it, I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there."

I added any melodic tunes that went with the song, focusing on the words and the intonation to make sure I am getting the right feeling in the song. When I stopped playing, I turned to look at her, who was only looking at me with a warm smile that made her look even more adorable. 

"You are so talented," Elise said, very much in awe. "Your voice just soothes the soul. How long have you been singing for again?"

"Since I was a kid. My mom some how saw that I was destined to sing, and she put me in the church choir. Eventually I ended up getting some vocal training by someone in my hometown who just saw the potential," I answered, toying with the guitar. I placed the guitar on the side so I can better turn to Elise, who still had the faint smile.

"You're really good," she commented. Her eyes darted away from me. She craned her head in the same direction. She leaned forward towards the black notebook on the ground. "What is this Summer Girl written on the -"

I whipped my head back and realized the notebook was wide open to the song about Elise I kept working on. Without a single thought, I  reached to slam the notebook shut. I sensed Elise stiffened at the sudden reaction so I wrapped a arm around her in an attempt to calm down. 

"Nothing. You stress too much." 

I looked, expecting to see a pained reaction but I saw that she was still confused. She pointed to herself. 

"Am...Am I the summer girl. Are you writing the song about me?" she asked, her voice still laced with confusion though her voice went up higher as if she was excited. 

"I'm not saying anything," I said. 

She pouted. She went to reach one more time but I moved my arm to snake it around her waist to bring her on my lap. Though she did not make an effort to reach for it, she made a noise in protest. 

"Yankee. Let me see," she insisted, landing her hands on my chest to push me off. When I kept my grip on her, she rolled her eyes. "No fair. I showed you my art."

"I'll show you when I finish okay? Can I later?" I asked softly, slightly loosening my grip on her. She settled more comfortably on me, her side of her head leaning on my chest. She looked up and I felt her lips softly on my neck. 

"Is everything okay with you today?" She asked. "You seem a little off."

I froze. I should be telling Elise about the hard moments or when I am up all night, but I knew that she had other things to worry about. I wanted to tell her about the guilt and anger and sorrow that felt like at times it was consuming me, but the moment I open my mouths I can't get the words out. 

I wanted to tell her everything that happened with David about her. I wasn't even sure whether to start with Rose or about Elise, but any thought dried up in my throat at the look of her innocent face and David's words repeating in my mind.

As much I wanted to share David, he was one of the only people she had in her life.

How was I to ruin it?

So instead of saying anything, I hung my head low. 

"Yeah," I lied, my fingers toying with the ends of her hair. "I just got into an argument with someone who didn't deserve it. I said things I shouldn't have."

Elise didn't say anything, her lips gliding around my collar bone that made me sigh. 

"Did you apologize?" she asked. 

The simplicity of her question made me chuckle. I kissed the top of her hair. 

"I will," I said, not wanting to say much more on the subject. "How is everything with you?"

She stiffened again in my arms, and I knew it was because she knew what I was really asking about. 

"He's at work. He will be back in the evening," she said evenly. I didn't say much, moving with her hair to note an obvious bruising that could be seen. I felt a little relieved that nothing was showing. 

She pulled herself off me to look at me. "Let's get out of here," she said. 

I frowned. "To where?" 

"Anywhere. We are both obviously down in the dumps. Let's just do something else," Elise suggested, giving me her most convincing smile. She stroked my jaw, her finger running over my jaw to my lips and back to my cheeks. 

I loved it. Something new. Something different. 

Something to make me think about something else. 

"Where do you want to go?" I asked her, wanting her to set the pace. 

She frowned adorably for a moment, biting her lip as she was in thought. Her eyes widened when she had an idea. "Wanna go bowling? There's one twenty minutes away. And I doubt we will see anyone that might be an issue since it's only a Monday."

I nodded. Last time I went bowling was with my friends in New York so it could be fun. 

"I'm open to it if you think it's far enough," I agreed, wanting to forget. "Are sure you are okay with this.

She held my face with both hands and gave me a kiss. 

"Yes. We both need it."

That should've been a red flag for me, but all I could think about was the opportunity to distract myself. 

Bowling was fun. I forgot how bad I was at bowling. Actually, terrible being an understatement, especially in comparison to Elise. On a normal day, the fact I was getting gutter balls constantly would've aggravated me, but watching Elise laugh and her eyes gleaming with mischief made the competitive feelings away. When she laughed at me, she seemed like her most self. 

I would getting gutterballs if it meant she could be this happy. 

When we finished our round, we left the arena, fingers interlaced and breathless from the laughing. She was chatting away from the game. I was focused on her until she stopped by the entrance. 

Before we could leave, someone entered the bowling alley. He was older based on his white hair and mustache. He gave us curt nod before walking past us. We walked out the alley. I turned to see all the color leaving Elise's face. 

"Are you okay?" I asked. She shook her head. 

"Let's go back into the car," she said quickly.

"What-" I asked before her body brushing past mine while walking quickly to the car. I followed behind, trying to figure out what was happening. She didn't say anything though her face was growing more distressed by the second. 

Feeling something wrong, I immediately unlocked my car. She opened it and slammed the door shut. I went towards the driving seat and entered the car. 

She didn't say anything for a moment. I turned on the car so the AC starts running. Her hand was over her face, but I saw color creeping up her neck and her breathing get heavy. 

"Babe, you okay?" I asked, reaching out to touch one of her hands. She yanked it away, pulling her hands off her face. Her eyes were teary and her whole body was trembling. She shook her head, turning her head away. 

"He saw me," she managed to get out before she started to breathe more heavily. 

He? 

"Who?" I asked.

"The guy by the door. He knows my dad. We made eye contact and he looked like he recognized me. Fuck. He saw us holding hands. He is going to tell him. I think he's going to," she managed to say through her hard breaths. 

Shit. 

"Take a deep breath, okay? It will be okay," I said, though my voice as shaky because I did not know what that will mean for her. Her hands formed into fists and she hit them against her knee. 

"No I hate this. I hate him. I hate what he does to me. I can't even go to a bowling game with my boyfriend. Do you know how fucked up that is? I have to be afraid all the time," her voice cracked before she sobbed. 

I put a hand on her back, rubbing it while she was crying. 

"Why didn't you say you were scared before? We didn't have to go," I asked, though a small part of me hated that I enjoyed not being in the woods and doing something normal without fear.  

She shook her head, wiping her eyes with her hand. 

"Because I feel bad I can't do it for you." 

I kept rubbing her back, moving her hair out of her face and touched her cheek. 

"I'm not worried because we will soon enough. We can go to a bowling game again, okay? First thing," I said. 

Elise nodded her head slowly, her eyes no longer looking at mine. She has a glazed look over her face and I realized she wasn't paying attention to what I was saying. My hand froze on her back because she reminded me of Mom. 

Mom looked the same few days before she died. Her body curled the same and looking off the distant, her body physically present but her mind in another world. When Mom was like that, I tried to give her space to let her sort her thoughts out. I thought she knew I was there for her to talk. 

My fingers twitched on her back. 

Mom knew. 

She knew and she still did it. 

I looked at Elise, her lips pressed tightly together and losing some of its color. 

I won't make the same mistake again. 

"Elise. Can I ask you something?" I asked, my fingers resuming it's rub. She blinked for a moment before nodding her head slightly. 

"What do you mean by 'what he does to you'? You mean hit you, right?" I asked. 

Elise nodded her head slowly again. "Yeah," she said duly. 

I took a shaky breath. I tried not to think about this when David hinted it but now it was all that I could think about. I was trying to give her space, but I was worried she was going to make a mistake because I didn't confront her. 

"He doesn't...touch you like a boyfriend would, right?" I asked slowly, mentally retching at the question. Her eyes widened at my question. Her shaking body froze and my chest immediately ached as I watched her face slip away.  

"I want to go home," she said, her body jerking away from my hand. 

Everything in me was frozen. 

No. He couldn't. He couldn't do that. 

I saw sadness crept into her eyes, and something inside me was growing. I wanted her to shake her head no, but she didn't.

And when tears started leaking down her face, I knew what that feeling was.

Anger.

My thoughts were scattered, but I was looking at her hiding away. I didn't realize she was crying, silently shaking in the corner. Without saying anything, I pulled her close silently.

She didn't stop me, and I couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem to want it either. But I couldn't let go of her. I was terrified that she would disappear; if I didn't hold her close enough, she will slip away. I looked at the concentrated look on her face, wanting to say something but I didn't know what the hell to say to her.

My thoughts were on autopilot, oscillating between the strawberry scent in her hair and the pain that she must've felt. 

She pulled herself away from me, attempting to wipe her eyes but the tears were too much. 

"Elise, baby," I said softly. "I want you to know that-" 

"I don't want to talk about him," she said harshly. 

I sighed. "I know. You never want to talk about him." 

"Then drop it," she said sharply, though her face showed another emotion. 

"I fucking can't Elise," I finally snapped. We were both silent for a moment. I took a few shaky breaths, trying to figure out how to fucking tell her that everything is killing me. "You don't tell me a single thing that is happening there. You keep saying you are fine but I know you are not okay." 

I tried one more time to reach out for her hand. She was looking away, but she left me hold her hand. "I don't want to think about that house. Don't-" her voice cracked. "Don't make me." 

It didn't occur to me until then that Elise never considered that her house. It should've been obvious, but it wasn't something I thought about before. It killed me that she felt that away about her home, and she felt she didn't have anyone to depend on. I couldn't do anything about her home now, but I will let her know I'm here for her. 

"I am trying to say-" 

"There isn't much to say," she said coldly, she pulled her hand back. " I don't know what you expect from me."

I pulled my hand back, putting it on my lap. "Elise-" 

"Do you think I'm not talking about it because I cannot handle it?" she asked, her voice getting louder. 

I blinked, realizing this conservation was getting very dark, very quickly. 

"Baby that isn't what I meant at all-" 

"I know, but I am drowning, Nate," she continued her voice showing frustration. "I am drowning and I see myself in the mirror and I just hate what I'm looking at. I feel like I'm coming back up for air but I can't just get the air in me. I feel alone and that I'm dying-" 

"You could've spoken to me," I finally shouted at her. "You are not alone because I'm here for you. You could've just said something when I asked. I will be there-" 

"You won't be there," Elise cried back. My body recoiled at her lack of faith in me. I drew back like I was hit because it felt like that. It was the first time she rejected it. Her words felt like it tore a vein and I felt myself bleeding out. 

This was the first time I admit to myself that Elise hurt me. This was all hurting me. I wanted to give her space but it killed me not knowing if she was safe. I wanted to listen to her, but now I realized she didn't want to tell me because she doesn't believe in me. I crossed my arms over my face and put them on the stirring wheel, feeling my eyes blur. 

I felt her hand on my arm. 

 "Nate I-" she stopped talking when I visibly recoiled from her. Her hand was mid air for a moment before she took it back. 

"I don't think I can have this conversation anymore," I said as evenly as I could. "I respect that you want space, and I will give the space you need to figure this out." I put the car on drive, having every intention of dropping her off. "Just know you don't have to stay through it to prove that you were strong enough to make it." 

And that was the last thing said to each other for that day. 

Author Note: Please do not shit on the characters. I know some of you are frustrated about Nate with his Mom and Elise not talking to Nate about her home life. Both have been hurt, and their needs are not matching up. Sometimes we expect a conversation to go one way without realizing the consequences of our actions and words. Sometimes we try to compensate for things we don't have without realizing the impact. 

Give them some time. They have feelings. They are in pain.