Chapter 32

Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this.

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" Trent asked me. 

I took a long swig of beer until it finished before looking at David throwing wood into a large fire in front of us. I didn't know what to expect when the guys invited me to a bonfire. I knew for sure I wasn't expecting a couple of jagged stones, which looked like was found randomly on the side of the road, circling the fire. Random assortment of items were pined in the center, charring into ash as the flames lick them. 

I didn't expect a makeshift fire pit in David's backyard. 

It was a quiet night. Anthony brought a radio to David's backyard to play soft tunes while we were talking.

"It's...something," I said, inching back when the wind blew the ash in my direction. 

I pulled out my phone, noting the lack of texts. 

Me: Are you okay? 

Elise and I agreed that she would text me to check in that she was okay. While she was not ignoring me for days on end like before, I knew she was still holding back. I hated how fucking helpless I felt when I saw her with exhausted eyes. 

"It's not good enough for city boy?" Anthony teased, tossing a Lucky Charms box - which he had for some reason- into the flame. 

I shook my head. "It's not that. It's just hot as fuck and you want to light a big fire." 

They said something, but I ignored it when I felt my phone vibrate. 

Elise: Yes. Just a long day. 

Me: want to elaborate? 

Elise: not really 

I sighed loudly, turning off my phone. 

"Burning things are fun," Anthony comment, throwing a beer can to the flame. "So how has your time in Alabama been so far? You are two months in." 

Two months. 

Jesus, it's really been that long? The days and hours take forever to pass, almost to the point of being painful, but the weeks pass by quickly. The statement also reminded me that it's been two months since I left New York. 

Since I left Mom. 

"I can see the appeal," I admitted, finishing my beer before tossing the can in the flame. 

It was still racist. I knew from the glances I get and the occasionally ignorant comment about my English, but I enjoyed the open plains. Something about the nothingness allowed me to lay there. New York would've made me move when all I wanted to do was sink into nothingness. 

"I'm glad we aren't terrible people," Trent commented. 

David was toying his beer, finishing his third beer before reaching for the next one by his side. 

"How has your Angela troubles been?" Trent asked. 

How the fuck do they know that? I looked at David, who was silently drinking his beer. 

"What? They asked. She kept visiting the diner. It wasn't that secretive," David protested. 

I rolled my eyes. 

"Must be well because she still comes by," Anthony snorted. Trent rolled his eyes. 

"Fuck her man, and her dumbass friends too," Trent mumbled to himself. 

I frowned. 

"She's actually not that bad. She has been nice to me," I pointed out. 

I knew Elise's issues with Angela but I didn't know the rest of them. Even though Angela spoke to me a lot less since that kiss, but she was nice to me, and she was there. Who gave a shit she had a small crush? 

"So are you fucking her?" Trent asked curiously. 

I shook my head. "No. I'm with someone else," I slipped before I even thought about it. 

They all cheered. David's eyes widened as if he knew my mistake, but still made a cheering noise along with the rest of them. I leaned out of my chair to take another beer. 

"You have fallen for one of us," Trent cheered. 

"I haven't fallen for you."

He rolled his yees. "I meant  southerner. We aren't all that bad."

"I never said you were," I protested. 

Anthony snorted, shaking his head. "You were insulting Alabama like every other day. Not that we blame you compared to New York."

"How is it you move into the area two months ago, and you already found someone though? I am here all this time and not a single thing," Trent protested, leaning back into his lawn chair. 

"Must be the New York accent," David supplied as a possible explanation. 

"By the rate you are going, you are sounding more like us," Trent pointed out. I grimaced at the comment, definitely not wanting to hear that. 

"Have you gotten it on with her?" Anthony asked. 

Jesus why are they so nosy? 

My eyes widened at the pressing of my relationship with Elise. It was obvious what they are referring to. David and Trent leaned in with curious glances. 

I didn't tell anyone about Elise's situation yet, letting the reality sit in my mind. It was all I could focus on. I couldn't do anything. Me and Elise have been texting, and I wanted to focus on my music, but I couldn't. I would lay on my bed and not realize hours have passed when I thought it was minutes.

"Considering I just starting seeing her...no," I responded slowly, regretting coming here. I was proud to be with Elise, but I knew she wouldn't like this.

"Who is it anyways?" Trent asked. 

Before I could say anything, David said, "Don't you guys have your own girls to talk about it, the kid is blushing like a fool." 

I sent him a grateful look,  holding up my beer can, "Anyways, let's keep drinking before I get bored." 

We chatted about other things for a while. The alcohol loosened me up and made me not think about Elise or Mom. I was able to laugh from the jokes, the movies they were watching this summer, and them telling me what the high school was like. We all forgot about anything we talked about and I got to feel normal. 

"Shit, I need to be heading out. My Mom keeps texting me like crazy," Trent said suddenly announced, getting up suddenly while looking at his phone. Anthony nodded in agreement, and got up. 

"Ugh I should be getting back too. The fire is starting to die anyways," Anthony agreed, waving goodbye at the both of us. He finished the beer in a few gulps before he tossed it in the garbage can in the back.

They both waved and started to head out to the backyard.

"Okay. I"ll talk to y'all later," David shouted at them. They escorted themselves out, taking the side gate that allowed them to leave the side of David's home.

After watching them leave, I turned to David, who haven't said anything. The smile on his face was gone and replaced with a frown. He sighed, picking up another beer and twisted the cap off. I could say he looked almost irritated, but his eyes were soft.

You good?" I asked.

He nodded quietly before leaning back into the chair.

"Yeah."

I grudgingly got up and took Anthony's seat near him. David didn't really acknowledge my movement. He was busy looking at the sky, occasionally sighing.

"Where is Uncle John?" I asked him, noting the dark house behind us. 

David shrugged. "I don't know. A bar. Could be anywhere nowadays," he said with minimal care. 

I knew better to press David about his Dad so I looked up with him. 

I use to look up at the sky a lot when I was young with Mom. She wasn't much of a stargazer, but I constantly begged her to join me. It was hard because in the city, stars were a rare sight because of the pollution. When we went to Alabama I would just lay in the grass and stare at the stars.

She didn't understand my obsession, saying that my feet were on the ground, and the stars were far away: unattainable and far from my reach.

I fished a plastic bag from my pocket which has three rolled up joints in the pocket. I have been avoiding smoking weed since Mom died because I was afraid to grow reliant on weed. Now, I wanted my hands to stop shaking and for David to not be be despondent. I wanted things to be better.

I pulled out a lighter, and tossed the bag on David's lap. He looked down with surprise.

"You smoke?" he asked with shock.

I nodded. "Yeah. Do you?"

He shook his head. "No, but I could use one right now," he grabbed a blunt from the bag and lit it up. He took a few puffs before he handed the joint to me. I took it eagerly and inhaled it, feeling the smoke in my lungs and exhaled with bliss.

There was a moment of silence before I finally asked, "Are you going to tell me what's wrong? You've been quiet all evening."

I heard him chuckle. "I could say the same for you. You looked like you had a stick up your ass since you got here." 

"I've been told it's the Northeast in me," I said, taking another hit. 

David laughed. I heard the burning sound from him inhaling it. 

"You go first. What's up with you this time? Mom or Elise?" David asked. I heard him inhale before he started to cough. "Jeez, this stuff is strong." 

I turned to him coughing. "Why does it have to be about them? I have other things going on in my life you know besides them?" I protested. 

"Like what then? Music?"  

Dad, I missed New York, I missed seeing my friends, I missed my school, I had a horrid feeling inside myself that felt so ugly I couldn't get it out. It suddenly felt personal, and I pushed those feelings in a dark corner so I didn't have to think about it.

"It's Mom," I said, feeling like that was the safest option. He knew Mom was an issue. 

I didn't want to talk about Elise. He didn't need to hear how I felt like a failure not being able to help her. 

"Called it. What's wrong?" David asked. 

I took a long inhale, relishing the instant relaxation I felt from it. I sat upright on the chair. "Okay hear me out," I said, sticking my hand out. "Remember Rose Miller? I found out who she was. She's Elise's Mom could you believe that? I don't even know how to process it. Rose had a daughter. What a clusterfuck moment, David," I said, feeling myself ramble from the weed. 

David laid there for a moment. I wasn't sure if he was already stoned, but his eyes glossed over myself. His frown grew. He sighed loudly, looking up at the stars. 

"Oh. Wow," he only said. 

I blinked. That wasn't the response I was looking for. His voice was monotone. That with his stoic expressions left me uneasy.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. 

His face went stern. He pulled himself up, taking a deep breath into the blunt before exhaling loudly. "I have something to tell you." I watched him hesitate before he spoke. "Nate...I already knew that Rose was Elise's Mom." 

I blinked. Logic was rushing out of my head when I began to realize what he was saying.

"You knew who Rose Miller was all this time?" I repeated slowly, repeating it out loud because David would've told me. He knew how much time I spent to look for her. "Since when?" 

How crazy I made myself.

David nodded gravely. "I don't know, a while now I guess. I'm sorry for not telling you Nate-"

"How did you know?" I interrupted him, my hands were shaking. My jaw was clenched tightly like my fists, keeping me planted on my seat.

David's head hung low.

"The picture you showed me looked familiar," he confessed, rubbing the back of his head. "I couldn't figure out why. I found her in the old yearbook and asked my Dad while he was super drunk. Since they all went to the same high school and all and were only couple of years apart, he recognized her."

The words were flowing from David freely, but they were ringing in my ears. I looked on the ground as well, focusing on the small details of the blades of grass under my sneakers.

"Saying something, Nate," I heard David pleaded.

"You knew I was looking for her," I whispered out loud, waiting for David to deny it. I was giving David every opportunity to deny it despite his confession. My eyes were getting blurry, and I felt the effects of both the alcohol and weed were exacerbating my feelings.

"I'm so sorry, Nate," he said.

I got up from his apology, my eyes wet and my vision red at the lounging David on the chair.

"What else are you not telling me about, Elise?" I demanded. David's posture stiffened and his eyes widened at the harsh tone of his voice. I felt dizzy from shock from my own anger in my voice.

"What do you mean?" he asked with shock. Despite the shock on his face, I narrowed in on the subtle features on his face that appeared too relaxed: the corners around his eyes weren't wrinkled and the corners of his mouth weren't frowned like mine.

The words were flowing from David freely, but they were ringing in my ears. I looked on the ground as well, focusing on the small details of the blades of grass under my sneakers.

"Saying something, Nate," I heard David pleaded.

"When did you know? Not the exact day but around when?" I whispered out loud. 

"I don't know. Around the time of the barn party," David sputtered. 

That was weeks ago. 

"Why are you telling me this now?" I asked him pained. My eyes were getting blurry, and I felt the effects of both the alcohol and weed were exacerbating my feelings.

"I'm so sorry, Nate," he said.

I got up from his apology, my eyes wet and my vision red at the lounging David on the chair.

"Fuck your apology. What else are you not telling me about Elise?" I demanded. David's posture stiffened and his eyes widened at the harsh tone of his voice. I felt dizzy from shock from my own anger in my voice.

"What do you mean?" he asked with shock. "What does Elise have to do with Rose?" 

Despite the shock on his face, I narrowed in on the subtle features on his face that appeared too relaxed: the corners around his eyes weren't wrinkled and the corners of his mouth weren't frowned like mine.

He looked like he just rolled out of bed. His blonde hair was mussed, and there were bags under his blue eyes.

I sputtered, "You act like you don't even know her, but you do. You guys are actually good friends. You know of her situation." 

David rose an eyebrow at my snappish comment.

"What are you talking about?" he asked slowly as he was getting up from his chair to stand in front of me.

I ran my hands across my face, still feeling lightheaded. Range from sitting prominently in my mind. It wanted to attack someone. it wanted to release it on someone to take away my shame, anger, hurt, and embarrassment.

David noticed a change because he took a few steps closer, creating an unsaid boundary between us.

"Her dad. You know he hits her," I said. 

His eyes narrowed. "That doesn't take a genius to figure out. She literally comes with bruises," he pointed. "I know it when I see it." 

I gave a painful sigh. "I thought you were my friend."

"I am your family, Nate," David tried to reason with me, but I shook my head.

I shook my head.

"No. You would've told me. I was confiding in you about Rose, and you knew about my feelings for Elise. You could've said anything. You let me think that my Mom killed Rose at one point. You knew how much it was eating me up at night. How many countless hours I couldn't sleep." My voice was rising with anger until I was almost shouting. David used hand gestures for me to calm down, but seeing his hands in my face only agitated me more.

I was drowning. I felt myself entire being slipping away back to that dark place when I found Mom submerged in the tub. The echos of my screams rang in my ears, feeling like I was going to vomit. 

I saw David's eyes softened, and I knew that was pity on his face. 

"I didn't know you were thinking about it that deeply. I understand how you feel-"

"You don't understand how I feel," I snapped back. 

David got up from his chair, walking closer to me. 

"Are you okay? I know you're upset, and I don't blame you-"

"Upset? I'm fucking pissed. I'm pissed by how much you hid from me. I have been open to you about my feelings as much as I could. How could you not tell me about Elise being abused? How could you not tell me about Rose?" I said, hating how my voice cracked at the end. 

"Elise's secret is not my secret to say. It's hers. This is way more than that. She needs to tell you not me." 

David knew about my song writing. He knew about my mother's death more intimately- even more than Elise. Not even my friends in New York knew what was happening entirely. He was in my own personal enclave from the world.

"I was open to you, even when I wasn't able to talk to the rest of my family." 

"I was open with you too. It's not my secret to say. It's hers. This is way more complicated and more complex than that," David attempted to explain, not even bothering to apologize to me. "Us being family doesn't mean that I will just talk about someone else's personal information."

"Do you know how this makes me feel?"

"You feel? What about her feelings?" David snapped at me."You always talk about how you are feeling and you just want to fix her because of her shitty Dad. Let me tell you, my dad is pretty shitty, and people think that they could fix me and save me from my problems, but they can't."

That froze my train of thought. Every time I saw Elise, the nagging thought about her situation. David's accusation sat uncomfortably in my stomach, but I knew it was annoying me because it was true.

I wanted to fix her situation.

"Don't say that," I said hoarsely, wanting to stay angry, but David groaned loudly.

"She's like a bird, Nathaniel," he shouted at me, leaning towards me with a slightly red face. "Her wings are broken, and you don't know what the fuck you are doing. You are trying to fix her wings, but she will just fly in circles until she crashes again. You don't know the things he did to her."

His eyes raged with anger that was once mine. His mouth and jawline was tight, and his fists were clenched on his sides.

"What did he do to her?" I asked him, unable to handle the accusations he said. He towered over me.

"That is not the point. You don't deal with your shitty mopey attitude, and you will never know from her point of view. I know you have been pressuring her to leave," he ranted. He pointed at me. "You need to cut that shit out."

In some ways, he was right.

"Shut up, David," I snapped at him, feeling the hurt. 

It hurt because I knew this. I knew it was hurting her, but I couldn't telling him how much it was fucking killing me that I couldn't get her out. That I had to sit on my bed the next door over while she was being abused. That I couldn't do a single thing. 

"She told me all of this. You are making her feeling fucking bad about it. She just can't leave. She is bound. She's not a lost puppy." David said, emphasizing each point. "She's not an abandoned animal."

I was hurting her. 

I stood still, unable to get a word through my mouth about this. I wanted to share this with him, but it was balling up in the back of my throat.

"Why do you know so much about her?" I asked suddenly, trying to process David's snappy behavior. His shouts disappeared from his throat as he quieted down.

"She's my friend, and I care about her," he mumbled through his teeth, running his fingers through his hair carelessly.

I eyed him. "A lot from the look of it."

David's eyes flared. "You need to stop smoking this shit because you're being a dick," he snapped back angrily, taking the blunt from my hand. "I never got in the way of your relationship with her."

He didn't have to say it because I knew what he was trying to say. Every word that came from his mouth were burning in my ears. Watching Elise and David interact seemed innocent, but now I felt unsure.

"You probably want her for your self," I said, recalling how he wasn't that enthusiastic when I mentioned Elise. I saw his fists clenched. 

"Stop talking before I go over there and make you shut your fucking mouth," he threatened. "You have two parents who loved you. You have a family. A fucking community-" 

"Did you forget my mother must've hated it all to drown herself? While I was fucking napping in the room over. She drowned herself. I had to find her body alone," I shouted back at him, my vision blurring. 

There was a silence. My knees shook so hard that they were going to collapse. I looked away from David because I hated everything. I looked up at the stars, wishing they come and take me from this hell. 

"I'm so sorry your Mom died. Her death hurt me more than anything," David said softly. "You know that. Even with my Dad was being...who he was, your mom never once turned on me. She always treated me like family. So I'm saying this as family, but you can get mad at me about your Mom but you can't get angry about Elise. You're confusing them." 

I stood there, feeling myself slowly sobering, mentally floating from my high and feeling reality pulling me under. 

"When he... hurts her, I was the shoulder she cried on all years. We had shitty dads and no moms so she didn't have to say anything to me. I just...got it. We are reach other's rocks. Then you waltz in and trying to be a fucking fairy godmother and suggesting shit. It's hard now that you are in the picture."

Guilt crept on me. Every single word that came out of his mouth was right. He was there in the beginning. I only arrived later. If only things were different.

"Say something," David urged me.

I stormed to the fence. I walked to the front of the gate, ready to shove the gate open and walk home, but I froze at the gate.

"There isn't much to say," I announced bitterly. My mind was demanding me to take it back since it sounded strange off my mouth.

I turned around and saw pain on David's face.

"I don't like her that way," was all he told me.

"I know," I said softly. "I will see you soon." 

Author's Note: This is unedited