Chapter 30

It's been a couple of months
Being alone
Surrounded by everyone

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

NOT WORRYING ABOUT ELISE WAS EASY ENOUGH WHEN THERE IS A SCREAMING BABY IN THE HOUSE.

Even pressing my pillows over my head and being locked away in my room was defenseless against the baby's cries down the hall. It was time to accept that it was not going to change. I pushed off my sheets with a frustrated groan and left my room to see Camila in the hallway with the baby.  

"Sorry Nate. Marco won't stop crying," she groaned, her eyes fluttering shut. 

The first thing I noticed was how exhausted she looked, cradling the baby in one hand hand and a filled bottle in the other. The bags under her eyes resembled my own. Her dark hair was in a loose bun with streaks of hair falling over her face. 

"I can get her," Dad came from behind with a tiresome yaw, taking the baby from her. He rocked the baby, muttering something under his breath to him. After a few moments, the cries turned into quiet whimpers as his eyes slowly closed. He rocked the baby a bit more before he entered his room to put the baby down. 

Camila followed behind. When I entered the room, I took a good look at his room for the first time. 

It didn't look anything special. The walls were white and the only things in his room was a chest, night stand and a bed in the center. Mom was the one that usually added decorations and brought the room to life, and it showed. 

With the baby falling asleep, I watched Carlos and Dad talk about the old days, laughing at Dad's comment. 

My eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure out what was funny. His words seemed plain and unoriginal. It felt cheap to me, like he was trying to pull a sentimental smile on our faces and laugh at old times.

But it was fake. A tune that was artificially created with no richness or depth.

When I found Mom, Dad and Carlos were gone from the apartment and Camila and her husband moved out to Connecticut. It was always just me. 

My eyes squeezed tightly when I thought about day. The dread washed over me. Memories moved quickly. First was me looking for and then seeing that her room was a mess. I should've looked at the ajar bathroom first and maybe I didn't have to find her-

No. 

I abruptly walked towards Dad's window to look out and not at them. They were too absorbed in their conversation for them to comment on any changes so I leaned on the windowsill, took in the sun beams filtering through the window, and looked outside. It was sunny, which began to be my favorite weather because it meant I could go outside. My eyes fell onto someone who was outside. 

Elise. 

She tossed the trash in the back before returning back into the house. I watched her until she was out of sight again. This has been my new habit since she since she didn't respond to my last message three days ago and the days prior to that. With everything I spoke to about David, I wanted to give her space because she's going through a lot at home. 

But I couldn't help but think what about what I wanted as well. I hated how I was always worrying with no sign of anything. I didn't want to bother her but she didn't text me either, and I hated wallowing in my own pity like this. 

"I'm going to head out for a bit. Okay?" I announced suddenly, turning towards my family. 

Everyone turned around with surprised looks, and I felt shame. I didn't speak like this in New York. Carlos went back to looking at the photos while Dad looked at me with slight confusion. I avoided eye contact with Camila, whose narrow eyes were trying to read me.

"Where do you always go? I get it with New York, but there aren't many places around here. I hope you're not doing any funny business," he lectured me for the first time since moving to Alabama.

I almost snorted at his question. I have been here for over a month, and this was the first time that I was asked about my whereabouts.

"Nothing funny. Hard to do that when there is nothing here. I'm going to see a friend," I explained, inching towards the door. Dad looked at me uncertainly before he didn't comment.

I didn't wait for permission from him. Even if he said no, I wasn't going to listen. I had no reason to at this point. He wasn't going to play father again if he is going to ignore me all this time and only talk when the whole family is here.

I was walking to the kitchen to the backdoor before I heard someone.

"Wait up Nate!" I heard Camila call out behind me. Before I could manage to slip out of the house, my older sister was walking in front of me.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

She gave me a smile and shook her head. "No. Carlos told me about Dad." I'm guessing she was referring to the fact he was barely present. "Are you doing okay?"

I shrugged, not wanting to think about it.

"I'm okay. I just miss Mom."

Her eyes became misty. "I miss her too."

Out of everyone, Camila had the closest relationship with Mom. Besides me, Camila was there the most for her during her cancer treatment, constantly visiting her and going to all of her appointments when none of us were able to come. 

"Can I ask you a random question," I asked suddenly. She nodded. "Do you know a Rose Miller? She use to be friends with Mom." 

Camila gave me a curious look. My heart lurched when I saw recognition on her face.

"Yeah. She was our madrina before she died," she explained. "We use to see her a lot when I was little." 

My jaw dropped. I was surprised to hear that Rose was our godmother. Another level of secrets was unpeeled and replaced with another level of distrust. 

Dad was wrong. This was real. I exposed Elise to my issues. I was in shock about how much our lives are intertwined. It was mind-blowing thinking about how before, she was just a girl next door.

"Oh yeah," I said, pretending to be suddenly remember her. 

"Why are you asking?"

Thinking of an idea, I finally said, "Just wondering if you knew anything about her. I spent the summer trying to figure out why Mom never wanted to come down to Alabama."

She shrugged.

"I think she didn't come down because she couldn't handle Rose dying. She died a long time ago. She took it really hard. Death is hard. I think out of everyone, we would know how hard it is to see people that you care about die too early."

I nodded, thinking about Mom's smile and welcoming the familiar ache. 

"How do you know about Rose anyways?" Camila asked curiously.

Not wanting to talk about Elise and everything, I just quickly explained, "I saw some pictures and was wondering. How's Oscar?"

Oscar is her husband of three years. He was still in Connecticut working in sales while Camila is here with the baby. They met in college and have been dating ever since. Dad was wary of him, but Mom took him in without any hesitation.

"He's good. Just working. He wishes he can be here," Camila said with a wistful smile. She shook her head slightly before focusing on me. "Anyways, where are you actually going? I know you're not going to do see a friend."

I froze at her innocent question. I rubbed my back of my neck, trying to provide the more realistic expression.

"I just need to get out of the house," I sighed. It was true. I couldn't stand in here and pretend like I'm happy with any of this when the truth was that something was growing inside of me. 

She gave me a sympathetic smile, nodding slowly. 

"Why don't you just relax in the backyard then?" she suggested, gesturing to the back. "I will make sure everyone leaves you alone. Dad will say something if you go. I just know it." 

I nodded silently, just wanting to be anywhere. 

"I'll do that. Thanks sis," I immediately agreed. She gave me a grateful smile before walking away, most likely resuming her conversation with Dad. 

I walked to the front and put on my shoes quickly before returning to the kitchen back door. I opened it, and took a step out in the sun. Heat and sweat greeted me, but I became accustomed to it. 

I sat on the lawn chair and sighed, looking up at the sun. I waited to feel its warmth but my arms were covered with goosebumps. My head felt light, and it was becoming harder to breathe. I got up suddenly, trying to shake off the tingles in my body. It wanted to grasp for something that it couldn't find.  My hand landed on my chest, the burning growing to the point my eyes were watering. 

I squeezed my eyes tightly, taking a few shaky breaths. I tried to focus on something else. I heard a faint voice that I thought was coming from my head until I heard a crash. 

My eyes snapped open. 

What are they up to? I looked at the house, speculating what they are doing until I heard the noise again. It was coming from behind me. I turned around and realized that it was coming from Elise's house. 

Keeping my breathing as steady as I crept across the yard towards their patio. One of the kitchen windows were open, carrying the loud voice to my ears. The curtains covered a good portion of the window, but there was a space large enough in between to look. From the other side of the kitchen, I saw Elise and Alexander.

Elise's hair was frazzled, her face appearing blank. Alexander was grabbing her by the wrist tightly. 

"You're fucking pathetic. Do you know how much it costs to replace this?" he said lowly. She didn't look at him, her face turned away. He grabbed her by the chin and forced her to look at him. "Look at me."

I didn't like it. She tried to force her face away, but his fingers dug onto her neck. 

"I'm sorry. You bumped into me and it dropped-" she began before he slapped her. 

I flinched, turning my face away. Something was growing in my stomach, and I felt sick. I was holding my breath, trying to gain the courage to look through again.  

I opened my eyes again, to her pulling herself up. He was holding her by the neck. It didn't look like she was chocking, but her eyes looked afraid. My fists clenched, wanting to punch through the door and grab her away from this fucking bastard.

She said that she got hurt before, but not this. I knew that she got hurt but seeing it was something else.

This was worst. 

"It's too late. You fucking screwed up like usual. Get out of my sight," Alexander snapped, dropping her against the counter. "I can't look at your face right now." 

Feeling sick, I backed away from the window and went to the side where they couldn't see me as long as they were inside. I leaned on the wall, pulling my knees to my head and processing what the hell was happening.

Ignoring the rise of bile in my throat, my chest ached. I felt angry. I felt sad. Too many emotions were rushing through me.

My vision went blurry.

All her actions made sense. Every single fucking one of them. The way she flinches and is protective of herself. Every time I got too deep, she backed away. The way she defended herself with the drunk when I met her. Everything just fell into fucking place.

She is being abused.

I tried to focus on my breathing, trying to maintain some sanity I had left in my body. My body was trembling.

How could someone do this to her? 

I was losing it. I couldn't control what happened.

This was like Mom all over again.

The door suddenly opened, and I froze, praying that I wasn't seen. Raising my head, I saw Elise sprinting towards the woods, her hands around her throat. 

I watched her leave sullenly. After a few moments, I got up brushing the dirt off my jeans and ran my hand over my face out of stress.

This was exactly when I first saw her. My heart constricted, and took some shuddering breaths.

And I walked to her.