Chapter 29

Love is you and you are love

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"LET ME PLAY IT AGAIN."

This was the line I keep repeating, fingering the tune against the guitar strings. My eyes focused on the sheet of music in front of me but the sound emitted didn't match what I knew it should be.

David groaned next to me. "We have been playing the same tune for ten minutes," he observed with mild impatience.

"Yeah but it sounds weird."

David has been coming over more lately to play music. Usually our sessions are a variety of different music one of us finds and we play it until we are experts. While it was typically enjoyable, this session was more challenging.

I played it again, slowing playing each chord. Despite my fingers aligning where they should be, it didn't sound good.

"What do you think?" I asked him.

He shrugged, settling into the basement couch. "Sounds like the same as the last one."

I shook my head. "No, it's different."

"Maybe that's not what is different. You're out of focus," David accused, strumming random chords.

I groaned, dropping the pick and putting the guitar aside.

"Maybe a little," I admitted. I ended up staying up most of the night. Even with three days passing since Elise and I argued, my chest was throbbing from the pain. A headache settled comfortably in my temple when I thought about it, which was often.

Elise hasn't texted me. I stopped by our spot a few occasions with the hope of seeing her but she disappeared. I wanted to shoot her a text but I didn't know what to say. I tried to write something but it ended up being about her bruises or Rose, and I didn't want to make it worse. Instead, I decided to wait for her to reach out when she was ready. She still hasn't.

"What's up with you? Whatever is bothering is clearly distracting you right now," David asked, his face focused on me with an intensity that I left me fidgeting on my seat.

"Well for one, stop telling people I wrote songs before I kick your hibllily ass. Lilly asked me the other day to play my songs at the diner. It's so bad," I joked to him. David chuckled at that response, but I could think about was Lily now constantly insisting to play it.

"Well how am I supposed to know it's bad if I can't see it?" David asked innocently though his eyes reveal a different emotion.

"See for yourself." I reached down for my notebook and tossed it over to him. David eyes slightly grew as if he didn't expect me to do that. He tentatively took the notebook and perused through the pages. He flipped through a few, his head tilting at a particular page before going to the next page. I held breath, especially since he would be the first person to see what I have written.

"The lyrics seem good," David eventually commented. Relief rushed into my body from the feedback. He flipped to a page and pause. "Summer Girl? This is the only full song you have. How does it go?"

My face burned at that song and lunged for the notebook. David deftly dodged the lunge, holding the notebook out of reach.

"Maybe another day," I suggested urgently, reaching a little further to snatch the notebook out of his hand.

"Is Elise the summer girl? Well that is just adorable," David teased before giving a pained laughter. "Have you performed it for her?"

"Shut up."

I didn't even think about that song when I showed him the notebook. Summer Girl only came about when Elise and I began to hang out regularly. When I look at her, all I saw was this tune, and I desperately wanted to put it down on paper. That was it. That was the only thing I could write.

She didn't know this, and it was something I wanted to continue doing. Now David knows too.

"So what's going on with you? Trouble in paradise with Elise?" David guessed.

Wow, I didn't expect him to get it right in the first try.

"How did you know?" I asked him.

He strummed some notes while humming to himself. "Both of you are acting quiet," he pointed out.

How often was he talking to Elise to know about this?

David mentioned that they were friends but I didn't realize that he was talking to her that regularly. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I have never seen them interact. On top of that, Elise and David never really mention each other unless I prompt it.

"I didn't know you guys speak that often," I joked, watching his reaction. He shrugged, his eyes focusing on the guitar.

"Yeah we are pretty close I guess. We just lean on each other when things get tough, you know?" He stopped playing his guitar and looked at me. "What is on your mind?"

I resented the jealous feeling growing in me. David and Elise both had issues so it made sense that they were close, but I knew that I was jealous because I wanted Elise to be able to confide in me like that. I also knew that wasn't going to happen based on what happened before.

Despite that, I explained the fight to Elise. From telling him that Rose was Elise's Mom, her reaction, my reaction, and her bruises. David's face didn't change much while I was talking, making me wonder what Elise has told him already. After I finished, he nodded his head for a few moments before sighing.

"Well?" I asked him.

"Well that sounds...messy," David commented, his hands awkwardly on his lap.

I rolled my eyes. "Great advice."

"Chill out," David snapped with annoyance.

"Did she tell you anything?" I couldn't help but ask. David didn't say anything, which I knew he wasn't going to answer. I groaned in frustration. "Fine. Don't tell me. I just don't know why she can't talk to me about this?"

David's face hardened. "Has it occurred to you that she might not be ready and you are trying to force her into something that is very obviously fucking traumatic to her." David shook his head to himself. "Just because you guys dated for two days doesn't mean she is entitled to tell you everything."

I bit my tongue despite his harsh tone because it was true. I wanted to snap back at him, but I tried to count down from ten. I knew it wasn't going to take us anywhere. No wonder she wasn't talking to me. I was trying to bully her into telling me when I should've waited until she was comfortable. I was so focused on Mom and my own feelings I didn't think about how it might hurt her to bring it up.

"What if she is in trouble?" I asked him, trying to figure to how to be there for her. "How am I supposed to just sit there while all of this happens. What if she is hurt?"

I said if when I should've said when. David's annoyance disappeared slightly but the hardened expression on his face hasn't disappeared yet.

"Wait for her to tell you. You don't know anything about the situation and you might just make it worse for her."

My first thought was that I was in the dark. I was sitting in a dark room and Elise would help illuminate it with clarity. But it remained a dark room and I was looking into the dark obsidian depth for anything. David was right. That was all I can do because I didn't know.

He knew a lot of what was going on.

"Do you know her situation?" I asked him.

He hesitated and slowly nodded his head. "Yeah I do, but I won't tell you a lot if that is why you are asking. Wait for her to speak about it. It's better that way."

I internally cringed at the advice because that was what I did with Mom. I gave her the space to navigate her unbearable pain and be there for her, but it didn't work. She was in mental pain to the point she felt the need to take her life. It wasn't her body failing her but her mind, and I knew that I could've caught it. I could've checked in on her. I should've asked how she was feeling.

And she was gone. I failed with her.

I didn't want to do the same with Elise, but I knew waiting for her to come would be difficult.

"I should apologize. I ruined our date over this," I suggested as a way to resolve it, wanting more time to process what David said.

David nodded his head. "She likes chocolates if that helps," David suggested. He picked up his guitar and strummed the tunes. "I can go now if you want to do it."

I shook my head. "Dad wants me to stay behind since Camilia was coming with the baby in a couple of days. Maybe another day when I can figure out what to say."

Guilt gnawed at my stomach because I knew I was stalling for time. Luckily David hasn't noticed it and gave a tight smile in agreement.

"Good plan. Hopefully it will work out between the two of you," he said before he resumed the music that was on the paper.

And that was the end of the conversation for the rest of the time. 

Take a deep breath man.

That was what I kept chanting myself the next twenty four hours. After another night of Elise not reaching out, I spent the night deconstructing every thought and apology to create a single, cohesive apology for her. I pushed Mom out of my head for the night to think about Elise only.

That was what I kept telling myself. I was not going to do this, but now I was. I had to see her. Driving home after my shift, my hands were shaking on the stirring wheel. 

I wanted to see her. Her hugs calmed me down before I break. Her voice relaxed my mind before I could myself. Her presence cured the ache in my chest. I needed her in front of me to apologize. 

I ran my fingers through my hair, and took another deep breath.

Just do it I urged myself.

I took another step forward, and knocked on Elise's door.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and waited. Her beige house matched well with the brown door and fresh cut grass. I shifted for a few seconds, waiting awkwardly when I heard footsteps behind the door.

A man opened it quickly, his eyes narrowing on me. He must be Elise's stepfather.

This was the guy leaving bruises on her.

I stiffened and stopped shifting. He was wearing a red shirt with dark jeans, only slightly taller than me. His eyes were the same shade of Angela's except while hers were bright, his were dark and almost cold.

He didn't look related to Elise at all. Her eyes were a piercing blue, sharp jawline and hair that reminded me of the sun. His face was rounder, brown eyes, and thinning brown hair. His face wasn't as angular as Elise's and with his stocky figure, bears no resemblance to her.

I felt uneasy.

"Hello," he greeted.

His voice sounded pleasant, but it lacked something genuine. I tried to ignore the warning bells in my head, and plastered a huge smile on my face. He looked at me for a moment.

"Do I know you? You look familiar?" he asked curiously.

I coughed, trying to buy a few seconds of time to think of an answer.

"I just moved down the street so that might be why. My name is Nathaniel," I introduced myself, sticking out my hand.

He took my head and shook it briefly before inching closer to his house.

"Alex. What can I do for you, son?" he responded.

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I was wondering if your daughter was around," I requested, hearing how strange it was to ask him. I wondered if he knew that we hung out.

He shook his head. "Angela isn't here at the moment. She's out with her friends at the movies," he responded with a southern drawl. "I'll let her know that you stopped by."

"I meant Elise actually," I clarified.

Then his demeanor changed.

He was still smiling like before, but it was different. His eyes dimmed and the smile shrank slightly. His face became taut, and the warning bells were roaring the same message over and over again: get away.

"She's out too," he responded stiffly. His off putting tone made me want to strangle him for what he is doing to her, but I tried to keep my cool. His eyes darkened. "Why are you asking for her? I hope it's nothing important."

He crossed his arms over his chest, eyeing me more critically. My eyes widened and I shook my head so hard, it could've fell and rolled around his porn.

"Definitely not. I just wanted to hang out with her. That's all. Nothing else," I sputtered, struggling to say it with his gaze on me. He seemed off putting and someone I didn't want to get to know better.

He nodded his head slowly before stepping back into the door. "Well it's best you be getting on your way, boy," he said abruptly, a very obvious cue that it was the end of that conversation. I peered behind him to see any sign of Elise, but she was nowhere to be seen in the background.

His voice almost sounded threatening.

"Okay then," I managed to say. My chest was tight and the only thing I wanted to do was to get the hell out of here.

Before I could say anything else, he shut the door. I turned around slowly, trying to process what the hell just happened.

That was weird.

I walked on the road back home. I peered at the home one more time, noticing a pair of curtain showing slight movements. I rubbed my left arm absentmindedly and rushed home, focusing the grass at my feet. I sighed when I entered the home, shutting the door and locking it behind me.

Carlos was at the home, playing a game on his phone. When he looked up, he put his phone down.

"Hey Nate. Wanna go to the state fair in fifteen minutes?" he asked.

"I'm honestly exhausted and need to take a nap right now," I said quietly through my daze. So many thoughts were circulating through my head that I could barely speak coherently. Carlos nodded his head. The disappointment was obvious on his face, and I made a mental note to make it up to him.

For now, I just needed to be alone and think.

"Don't sleep for too long. We have to pick up Mila at the airport tonight," Carlos reminded me. I smiled at the thought of my older sister, but that disappeared when Alex Becker appeared in my mind.

I trudged back to my room and flopped on the bed. I wanted to close my eyes and think about a happier time in a deep sleep, but I couldn't. My mind was in a hyperactive mode and my eyes were struggling to stay closed.

I wanted to reach Elise. Meeting him let me shaking. I should've just texted her. I took out my phone to do so.

Me: I'm so sorry for getting angry. it's not you. I was just scared. 

Me: Please tell me ur safe. could we talk soon?

Elise wasn't Mom. David said Elise would tell me when she is ready. I tried not to think about what could happen for Elise, but every time I tried to fight it, the thoughts keep dragging deeper in my mind.

What happens by the time she gets ready, it is too late?