Chapter 28

No one talks about the shock that comes with grief
Or when the shock strikes you down 

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"THAT'S YOUR MOM?" I sputtered, trying to process what was happening right now. "Jesus fuck." 

I stared at her, looking at her blue eyes, trying to find some truth. She looked up like she wanted to say something, but she remained quiet.

I didn't expect to find Rose but this wasn't how I expected it to be. 

"Is she involved in all of this?" Elise asked quietly, her voice shifting to a higher pitch.  

She pushed herself from me, kicking off the blanket from her dress. Her breathing got heavy, and she was looking at me with shock.

Not tonight. This couldn't be it.

I didn't expect to find Rose, especially after everything. Now my mind is running with a hundred different questions. And Elise could be key. 

"Can you tell me about her? I need to know right now," I gritted through my teeth, my eyes stinging with tears and my thoughts haunted by Mom. 

"Like what?" Elise asked warily, watching me with concern. 

This was it. This was after searching for a sign of Rose all this time. Now I know who Rose was and the confusion on Elise's face, I felt the urge to curl up into a ball. I needed to know about Mom. The mother who has done everything for me her entire life. The mother who killed herself. 

"Have you heard of your mom talk about someone named Anita?" I managed to ask, my voice cracking at my mother's name. 

Elise shook her head. 

"No." 

No. No. No. 

I was breaking down. Probably wasn't there to begin with and I was living a carefully crafted delusion that was falling apart before my eyes. I needed Elise to tell me more about Rose.  

Everything was burning. Vomit was searing the back of my throat, and I wanted to be held but also be alone. The contradicting feelings were swirling inside me like a hurricane. Destructive and violent. 

"Elise. Please think carefully," I asked, reaching for her shoulder to feel her warmth and ground me from my own insanity. I held her, and I saw her face morph into pain. 

"Nate, you're hurting me," Elise whimpered, crouching forward towards me. Realizing my grip was paining her, I immediately let go and kept my now trembling body back. I kept my hands in fists under my leg to fight the urge to grab her. 

I looked at Elise, her breathing going heavy. One hand was gripping the pick up truck while her other is on her chest. She wasn't looking at me, her eyes squeezed tightly. I wanted to know what was going through her mind but the pain in my chest was blinding. 

"She died when I was five. I don't know a lot from her," Elise whispered softly, her eyes still closed. 

She closed her eyes but mine were wide open. Every time I blinked, I saw a memory of Mom that accumulated more pain throughout my entire being. I hated it. 

I hated her for doing this to me. I hated myself for letting her die. I hated everything. 

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," I said, my voice getting louder with each word. I hit the side of the truck in frustration. Elise visibly flinched at a sound. 

"I'm-I'm sorry." 

"Stop apologizing," I said, her eyes snapping open and leaning back. 

I knew I was scaring her, but I couldn't stop this...darkness coming out of me and bleeding into my soul. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just thought finding her would give me some answers," I said softly, stopping myself from reaching out to her. "It's over. She's is gone. Mom's gone." 

Elise didn't say anything for a while. She pulled her legs together and crossed her hands over into a ball. Her hair was falling over her face, hiding her feelings away. 

"What did you hope to find?" she asked, peering at me meekly. 

An answer. 

"Someone told me Mom was protecting me and it was related to your Mom. Do you know anything about that?" I couldn't help but ask again. 

Elise stiffened. Her hands tightened around her grip and I saw her body slightly shaking. She knew something. "Elise-" I began. 

"I don't know what they are talking about. I don't know. I'm told you everything about me," Elise said, her head peering up. Her voice was strange. Now the usual Southern tone but a pitch higher. 

She was hiding something. I let it slide before, but now all I could think about is Mom.  

"I think you are lying to me," I told her. 

Her face looked stoic, and my heart wanted to shatter. 

"What?" she said out loud. She looked at me with an emotion I haven't seen from her before. "I have always been honest to you. I tell you everything about me." 

Lies. Lies. Lies. 

With new anger, I scooted in so I can take her arm and flip it. Though it was covered, it couldn't hide the dark hues that blemished her skin. 

"Then what about this?" I demanded, showing her the bruises. I gestured to her knee with a similar mark, which she pulled away. "And this. Tell me about this then."

Elise was silent for a moment. She pulled the hair off her face and I noticed how emotionally drained she looked. When her eyes locked into mine, the guilt I saw almost made me let go of any composure I had. 

"You are being unfair," she croaked, her voice wavering. "Every time I talked to you about the stars or your music has been me. This isn't me." 

I needed to calm down. I tried to do a quick breathing exercise to hold it together and I held her hand on top of my own. 

"This is a part of you too," I said, my voice getting louder. "I love talking about your art and the stars and the music, but this is a part of you too. You being abused counts too. If you are telling me everything, then fucking tell me everything." 

The space between us fell silent as we both fell to a hush. The music on the speaker was playing softly in the background, unaware of the tension in the air. The truth fell on my lips, and her face morphed with horror. Tears were falling down her face. 

"Drop me home," she rasped. 

I lump came in my throat. "Elise-"

"Please, Nate. I don't like who you are right now," she snapped angrily at me. She suddenly got up and left, leaning on the side of the passenger door. I packed up silently, jerking everything together just enough to get home. 

Even when I opened the passenger door for Elise, she entered without looking. Shame filled me with how the night went, but it was followed by anger. I was angry at the situation. 

I was angry at Mom for hiding everything. Angry at Elise for being in a shitty situation. Angry for not knowing enough to figure out how to help her. I am angry at myself for not being enough for either of them. 

When we arrived back on our street. I stopped the car and turned off the ignition. We both sat in silence, no effort to escape but not enough effort to talk. I looked at Elise for the first time. Her hair was all the way down its usual length. It was the only thing I could see since she is facing away from me. 

"You know why I had to ask, right?" I asked out loud. Elise looked straight ahead, her eyes dull puffy. "You have to understand why I feel the way I do." 

She took a shaky breath and exhaled loudly. "I do," she responded simply. "I'm sorry I don't have the magic answer to you. I really wish I did because then I wouldn't feel how I do right now." 

"How do you feel right now?" 

"Upset. Like I should know something that I don't." 

That shattered me because that was how I felt. My chest was killing me again, and it became difficult to breathe. The black hole in my chest grew bigger by the second until it consumes me whole. 

I wanted it to. It was better than how I'm feeling right now. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what is happening to me right now," I stated with frustration and confusion. The situation was slipping away from me. Any control and facade I maintained over the summer was crumbling down. 

Elise looked at me before shaking her head. "I need to get inside. I..." she choked on her voice. "I don't know what to say right now to you. Let me go."

Watching her inch towards the door handle filled me with shame. I was scaring her. I needed to get a better grip of myself but I was falling with no hope of surviving.  

"Why does it feel like it's the end of something?" I asked out loud. 

Elise's eyes watered. 

"I don't know," she said. 

I needed to hold on to something. 

"Can I kiss you?" I finally asked. 

She shook her head. "No."

"Please, Elise," I repeated.

"This isn't the time," she said.

I could hear the clock counting down on the back of my head. It felt like it was ending. That tonight was the end of us, and if she doesn't let me kiss her, it was all over.

"Please let me kiss you. I'm afraid that once you leave then it is the end," I repeated, feeling myself losing control. I reached out for her hand, needing to feel her touch. Needing her to stop me from losing control.

About Rose. About Mom. About everything.

I was afraid to lose her.

Her eyes were desperately searching mine, tears shining. She faintly nodded- slightly, but good enough for me. I learned forward and pressed my mouth firmly against hers. Her hands went up towards my forearm and parted her lips, allowing me to kiss her more comfortably.

We kissed for a few minutes, neither one of us was stopping. Neither one of us wanted to stop, probably both of us not prepared to face the truth. My hands went to her waist, pulling her closer. Silently agreeing, she pressed herself on me. Her fingers were caught in my hair, urging me closer.

Her fingers tightened in my hair as a sob burst from her throat. Our lips broke free, and I kissed her cheek softly before whispering in her ear, "I'm so sorry." I leaned back onto the seat. "I so fucking sorry." 

She sighed. 

"I'm sorry for not being what you need right now."

I winced, trying to push the thoughts about Mom away, but I couldn't. My own eyes were becoming wet about accept that Mom might have just done it, and I might as well give up. I tightened my grip on her hand, afraid to let go of her hand. 

"It's killing me to let you go."

I don't want you to be alone with him.

She shook her head. "I need to go." 

You need to let her go. She doesn't want to be in here. You ruined the date. You need to get a fucking grip.

I nodded sadly. "If that is how you want it," I gave her an empty smile. "I'm not going to force you to be with me."  

And like that, her sad eyes were back. No longer happy. No longer smiling and talking about her art. It was just sad, disappointed. 

"I understand," Elise whispered, tears coming in her eyes. She opened the car door. She looked at me one more time before she shut the door behind her. 

I planted my hands on the stirring wheel, my eyes becoming watery. From the window, I watched her unhurriedly walked down the streets and disappeared into the darkness. I squeezed my eyes tightly and slammed a hand hard on the stirring wheel. 

The pain and rage I felt wanted to escape, but was trapped. 

I was fucking trapped.