Chapter 27

Why can't I see tomorrow
Even when the pain begins to fade?

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"Okay. I will admit this. This is pretty nice," Elise declared, leaning onto me more comfortably. .

"I'm not going to say I told you so but I- ow! You didn't have to hit me," I said, rubbing my arm. 

She giggled.

The surprise was setting up a picnic by the lake, with everything include food from the diner, music from the wireless speaker, and in time for the sunset. After eating and talking for a couple of hours, we ended up laying on the blanket under the stars. It was a little hot, but I was content. With Elise's head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest, I felt at peace. 

I turned slightly to see her smiling at the stars. "I hope this was private enough for you."

"This is the best date I have ever been on," she sighed, her hand settling comfortably on my chest. 

"I'm glad," I told her, relishing the feeling of her body on mine. 

When I looked down at her, she was looking at the stars, maybe thinking about the heavens like she said before. I wondered what made her think like that, bringing my mind back to the first words when she met.

"Something on your mind?" I asked her.

She turned to me, and lifted herself up to look at me. "Kind of...This is all so great. Amazing. I just want to say that I really like being with you. I'm not ashamed of you, and I know you were bothered when I said about being private-"

I placed my hand over her mouth to stop her. My cheeks were heating up from mentioning that, and I just needed her to stop. 

"I should probably explain that," I began, thinking where to even start with her. I felt anxious explaining it, so I looked at her blonde hair falling over her face, framing her face perfectly. I reached out for a strange, letting it run through my hand.

I explained all about Emma, explaining from the moment we met to the moment we broke up. She still kept herself up, nodding her head intensely as I spoke while my fingers were toying with the ends of her hair. Saying out loud didn't bother me as much I thought it would. Maybe it was Elise's look of understanding that made me glad I wasn't with Emma anymore-despite what I felt at the time. 

"It was humiliating that I was kept a secret because she was ashamed to be with me, and about something I couldn't control. So when you starting saying those things about keeping it a secret...it just reminded me of her. I'm sorry if I got freaked out about it," I finally finished. Elise was watching me for a few moments, her fingers were running over my arm. 

I must've spoken for so long. Jeez she doesn't want to hear about this. 

"Sorry for ranting," I said, wishing I knew when to shut up. 

Elise shook her head. Her eyes looked sad, and I wanted to leave so badly. Not me from telling her, but knowing that Elise was sad over something irrelevant. Emma was old news and I didn't want her to think I cared about what she thought about me. 

Before I could say anything else, Elise leaned into kiss me. Not a passionate kiss, but a soft kiss that left me demure. 

"I'm sorry you went through that. It was never like that for me," she whispered against my mouth, her finger running down the side of my face. "She kind of sounds like a bitch."

I laughed before kissing her one more time.

"I never heard you curse before. Say it again," I said. 

"Bitch," she said before she laughed before I kissed her again. 

"I think the kissing is making me feel better," I said, kissing her over and over again. "Thank you for listening, princesa."

She smiled at me. She leaned back on my arm, returning to her comfortable position. She tilted her head while her hand ran up under my button down, letting her hand travelled over my stomach.

"Your race has nothing to do with this. It's just this place is a small town, and gossip spreads like wildfire here," Elise said thoughtfully, looking up at the sky while stroking my stomach. "I just didn't want people to know because I know some people will get upset. I just need time to figure it all out, and make sure this lasts, you know? That was it." 

I listened to her words, I took her hand to interlace our fingers.

Just ask the question you were wanting to ask.

"Who would get upset about us?" I asked her quietly, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Elise's eyes began to turn glassy. She was silent for a while, and I scolded myself for asking that question. 

"My dad. He's...a is a little over protective." 

Then it all clicked. I looked at her face, relieved that it was clear of any blemishes. I removed my hand from her own to touch her face careful. My fingers traced over her hollow cheek, letting my fingers brush her golden locks. My thumb eventually traced over her mouth.

"Is he the one responsible for your bruises?" I finally asked her, trying to find the courage to talk to her about it.

She recoiled from my question, pulling her face from my hand.

"What?" she asked defensively, taking her hands to wrap them around her stomach. I felt her pulling away but I kept my arm around her waist tight. 

I scooted closer to her.

"Like this one," I said, gesturing to her wrist. When I pressed on it, she moaned quietly and pulled it away. "I've been silent about them, but I notice them. I see them, and it kills me, Elise."

She shook her head, pulling her wrist back. She cradled her wrist to herself. "It's complicated. He-I get too emotional sometimes. It's really okay, but you can imagine why I wouldn't want him to know yet."

I was unsure what to say. All I could do was hold her close, wanting to take her somewhere. I looked at her. Her eyes were dim, and her pink lips were tight. She wasn't look at me, but I was afraid to ask her to look at me.

I wasn't sure

"You don't have to say anything. It's really not that bad, but you look like a deer caught in headlights," Elise began, touching my hand idly. "If you don't want to be with me, that's okay. I would understand-"

"Don't worry about me," I interrupted her, hugging her close to me. "You are the person I want to be with. Focus on yourself. Don't worry about me."

She looked at me uncertainty.

"Why me though?" she asked innocently.  

I chuckled at her obvious question, giving it no thought before immediately answering, "When I'm with you, I feel something."

You are the first person since Mom dying that made me feel happy. I focused on Mom's death for so long...now I want to focus on something else.

I kept that o myself because I felt like that was way to cheesy. 

At that thought, I took a deep breath and sighed. "I told you she died of cancer, that wasn't true. She did have it, but she killed herself. Overdosed to be exact. I was the one who found her ," I whispered, looking away. I heard Elise gasp before she jumped from a big hug.

"Oh no. I'm so sorry." I heard her say, curling her body towards mine. We were silent for a moment, holding each other. She tilted her head to kiss the side of my head, and unlatched my neck to touch my hair. I closed my eyes, letting her fingers run through my hair.

"I'm really doing much better now, princesa. Thank you though," I told her, and I actually meant it.

She smiled, and pressed her forehead against mine. "I'm glad. You don't have to keep talking about it if it bothers you, but thank you for telling me."

I shook my head. "It doesn't. It used to hurt, but I kind of like talking about her."

Elise settled back into my chest. "Talk about her then. "

I took my IPhone to show my lock screen, which has a picture of me and Mom in Mexico by the beach. I was wearing a white button down with beige corduroys with an arm around her. She was wearing a purple dress, leaning on me and smiling at the picture even though I was so sweaty.

"I've been trying to figure out why she did it. She always seemed...happy and hopeful. Even with the cancer. I mean the cancer definitely messed with her but I didn't know she wanted to kill herself."

Elise looked at the photo. "Of course, baby. You want to understand why she did it."

I nodded vigorously, unknowingly relieved that she understood. "That's what I thought, but every time I do, I learn new things about her she never mentioned. Do you know she has a best friend that she never mentioned? Like not at all. I pulled so many all nighters to find this woman, and I just drove myself to the ground." 

"Is there anyway I can help?" Elise asked. 

I shook my head. "No. I think I just need to let go of it, but it's so fucking hard." 

"Well what's her name?" Elise asked, pulling out her phone. "If she is in the area, I can probably find her on social media." 

"Well the friend died, so I don't think she is active," I mentioned dryly. 

"Ah still. She might have an obituary. What's the name?" Elise instructed me. I didn't even think about that. 

"Rose Miller," I answered.

Elise stopped typing mid-way, looking up at me. Her eyes were wide, like she was caught in headlights. Her mouth tightened, and her breathing became heavy.

"What is the name?" she whispered.

I frowned.

"Rose Miller," I repeated, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Her breathing became heavy as she pulls herself off of me. My heart rate began to pick up as her hands started to shake.

"Do you have a picture of her?" Elise asked quietly. I nodded slowly, pulling up the only picture I had standing next to her with that bracelet Mom had. When she saw the picture, her eyes widened and her mouth was pressed to a tight line.

"What's wrong?" I immediately asked, leaning on the blanket on my elbows as Elise was staring at the content on her phone. 

She shook her head silently. She looked at me with glistening eyes.

"Elise. Talk to me," I repeated as I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Rose Miller is my mom."