Chapter 24

I wanna live in your world instead of mine

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

I WROTE MY OFFICIAL FIRST SONG TODAY.

Before it was wisps of thoughts on a notebook. A song was inevitable, but I didn't know what to expect. I wanna live in your world instead of mine. The melodies were running in my head, begging to be seen. I spent the early morning experimenting with different chords and fitting the lyrics in my notebook into the song.

I thought I would feel a rush for joy, but I felt...content. A smile grew on my face when I looked at the words, feeling a moment of pride. If Mom was here, she would've loved it.

I put the notebook and guitar aside, laying back on the bed and looking at the rotating fan over my head. My eyes felt heavy but my mind felt energetic. I reached for my phone to check the time.

11:12 A.M

Elise would be awake by now. I felt bad bothering her after we called and texted until the early morning, but I wanted to see her after this milestone.

Me: Good morning beautiful. What r u doing?

My phone beeps. A picture of Elise on her bed, blonde hair little mussed against her sheets but her eyes were sparkling apperaed on my phone. I smiled at the picture, looking at the lacy white dress that fell over her frame.

Elise: Lying in bed

Me: I wish I could look THAT good in bed

Elise: I think you do.

The thought of her thinking about me, made my body tense.

Me: R u free to come over now?

Elise: I can be there in 5

Me: Great. Come with that dress.

She didn't respond for a while until she suddenly texted me that was at my kitchen door.

Suddenly I wasn't tired anymore. I shot up the bed. I walked down the hallway, and peeked between the doors. Dad's door was open, and I could see his neatly made bed- not a total surprise. I turned to quietly open Carlo's door and saw Carlos sprawled out, snoring loudly and the sheets on the floor, likely kicked off.

With the coat cleared, I entered the kitchen and saw Elise. When I walked into the kitchen, I see Elise. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail with short strands framing her face. Her white dress fell comfortably over her knees.

She looked even better in the picture.

I opened the door, and both of us smiled when we locked eyes.

"Hi," I greeted.

"Hi." She responded softly. Her face turned to a strange look after some moments of silence. "You're looking at me weirdly."

I laughed lightly, touching my fingers along her cotton dress. "You're coming here with this dress. What did you expect?"

She rolled her eyes, her cheeks turning a faint red. "Hush." She started to laugh before I gestured her to be quiet despite my own smile coming.

"Shhh. My brother is still in the house. Let me get you to your room," I said.

She put a hand on my back, muffling her laugh before placing a hand on my back. "Oh sneaky. I like this."

I gently directed her down the hall, trying to avoid thinking about what was going on in my pants. We snuck past Carlo's bedroom, allowing her in before shutting the door behind me.

Just after I turned around, Elise started kissing my mouth- first pecks before starting to kiss the rest of my face. I sighed, wrapping my hands around her waist and bringing her body towards mine. We ended up on my bed, her sitting on it while I learned in. The bed creak from her weight, but I was focused on her lips.

I put my hands on her arms, breaking the kiss to look at her. Her eyes fluttered before looking at me.

"Well that is a hell of a hello," I managed to say before she kissed my mouth again. "What are you doing?" I muttered against her lips, pulling away.

She gave me a strange look. I sat on the bed next to her.

"I'm kissing my boyfriend," she said, running her hand against my chest. "Is that so bad?"

She kissed me one more time. My hand fell on her thigh, feeling her warm skin under my fingertips. Out of the corner of my eye, I pulled away when I saw a black bruise on her leg. On instinct, I pressed on it, watching Elise visibly wince. I sat down on the bed next to her to get a better look, which she abruptly interrupted when she put her dress over it.

"Does this hurt?" I asked. Elise only hummed, her hands managing to get under my shirt. My eyes closed for a moment at the sensation, focusing on my question. "Elise, you're kind of distracting me."

She pulled back, her lips a few breaths away from mine. "That's kind of the point, Yankee."

Her pink lips and her hands under my shirt made my body feel like it was on fire. If she kept going with this, I knew for sure I was going to get hard. To interrupt that fact, I grabbed her arms to take them off me.

"You are doing a very good job," I strained.

She tensed for a moment and was about to say something when we heard a loud knock on my door. We both froze.

"You awake?" a voice behind the door asked. Elise stopped shifting under my hands.

"I am. ¿Está bien, Carlos?" I asked loudly, getting up from the bed. I headed closer to the door, waiting to push back in case Carlos decided to open it. I tried to listen to my brother instead of thinking of the hot feeling from Elise's touch.

He finally said, "I am going to head out to Hector's shop. Wanna join?"

I grimaced at the idea of going to see my cousin, especially with Elise here. "You can go without me," I responded steadily.

After a moment of silence, I turned around to look at Elise who had a bleak look on her face. I sat there confused. At some points, she seemed to be here, but then at other times she was in her own little word. That familiar nagging feeling was back, and I once again pushed it down. I saw her looking somewhere, and I followed her stare...which led to my crotch.

"Looking at it won't help it," I strained through my throat, trying to lighten the situation.

God, if she kept looking at it, I was seriously going to have another episode again. Her eyes flicked at mine, and I saw her face flush red. As cute as she was, I was thinking about ponies and rainbows again, hoping that nothing would make an appearance.

"Like what?" she asked innocently, though her cheeks were red.

"You know what," I huffed. I went back and sat on the edge of the bed. "Anyways, want to watch a movie or something now that my brother is leaving before this escalates?"

Elise nodded her head vigorously. "I could lay here all day," she sighed dreamily.

I looked at her, realizing how angelic she looked in her white dress. I slowly brought myself next to her, reaching for the ends of her hair and feeling its softness under my fingertips.

"You know. I could handle you being here, and I can handle this dress even though my mind has been going crazy over it," I said in a quiet, deeper voice. My finger glided over the dress to trace down her jawline. "But the fact you are laying here in my bed might be the hottest thing I've ever seen."

Her eyes widened at my blunt admission and her face turned an adorable shade of red.

She took my hand and planted it on the edge of her dress, feeling her hot skin under my skin. I looked down and saw her smooth legs, watching my tan fingers splayed on her pale leg.

I leaned for a kiss. She reciprocated quickly, opening her mouth slightly while kissing her. She sighed against my lips, her hot breath on my lips. I kissed her harder, curling my fingers on her thigh to prevent myself from going too far, but her skin felt so fucking soft that I couldn't help, but grown in appreciation.

She didn't respond to the question. She moaned softly when my other hand wrapped around her waist. She wasn't stopping me, and God, I knew I did not have the willpower to stop. My tongue touched her lips, and I was greeted by a minty taste. Her mouth opened cautiously, which oddly pleased me because it reminded me that she didn't do this often.

Her hands went onto my shirt, and she twisted it with her fists. So many feelings rushed into my head; I felt dizzy.  I shifted, letting my hands go up her petty waist. Her hands ran up my chest, and they laid on my shoulders.

No kiss ever left me this intoxicated. In a doozy state where I could sink into the Earth. I let my hands go up to her neck, tracing her jaw and tipped it up to kiss her deeper.

Our lips broke away, and I peppered her jawline with light kisses.

Elise remained still, body trembling and she gasped when I went down the column of her neck.My hand crept up her thigh, going underneath her dress. When I reached the top of her thigh I wanted to keep going, but I gripped it to stop myself. I was breathing hard against her neck, feeling her underwear lining on my fingertips.

I pulled away slightly when her body was shaking and her breathing became harder. Craning my head back, I noticed her eyes closed tightly and a frown on her face.

"Elise?"

She did not respond, breathing heavily with her eyes sealed shut. I stroked her cheek, pulling back slightly. "I need you to take deep breaths with me."

Her lips were trembling, her hands broke away from me, wrapping her hands around my waist. She began to gasp, looking away from me. My heart sank, not understanding what was happening. Something went wrong, and I had no idea where. A violent sob broke from her, causing tears to stream down her face.

"Elise," I called for her again, but she shoved my hands away, crouching on the bed and mumbling under her breath.

She curled into a ball, whimpering louder. I got off the bed, crouching in front of her curled figure. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with her, but it was worrying me. She was acting like I wasn't even here. I reached out for her arm, but she hit my hand away, crying louder.

"Elise!" I shouted louder, still trying to keep my voice even, but she was still pulling away.

She looked like she was trapped in a trace, and she couldn't snap out of it.

Worse, I couldn't do it either.

In one last attempt, I sat on the bed and held her in my arms. She first sobbed from my attempt, but I kept my grip. Tears were coming out of her eyes, and I think I was on the verge of crying too because she was breaking down, and I had no idea what to do. I kept saying her name, touching her hair away from her face. My heart was still pounding from what happened, my mind trying to understand what was happening, but I tried to keep my mind from focusing on her.

She pulled away from me, her eyes and cheeks red from crying. She looked at me silently, tears still on her face.

"Are you okay?" I asked panicky.

She nodded. "Yeah. Why?"

"Did I hurt you?" I finally asked, trying to process what the hell just happened.

She blinked, wiping the tears off her face. "Of course not. What do you mean?" she asked, running her fingers through her hair.

My jaw almost dropped.

She doesn't remember what the hell just happened?

"I don't know. We were just kissing, and you just had a panic attack, I think. Did I do something to hurt you? What did I do because I'm so fucking sorry, Elise. I never want to hurt you, so please tell me what I did wrong?"

She shook her head, her mouth frowning and her eyebrows arched with confusion.

Her silence was killing me because I had no idea what I was doing that made her go off like that.

"I...I don't know, Nathaniel," she said.

I frowned because I had a feeling she was lying.

"Maybe we just need to slow down a bit. I don't know what happened..." I let my instinct get the best of me, and I regret it when I watched her break down.

She shook her head, holding me tightly. "You didn't do anything wrong. I-I-I just don't know what happened."

My stomach dropped at her words. Not because of me but knowing that something was tearing her apart, and I couldn't do anything about it. She completely checked out, and I had no fucking clue was going on.

"Where did you go?" I whispered.

She looked at me confused. "What do you mean? I'm right here."

I wanted to know what put you there so I could bring you back.

Squeezing her tightly, I kept her close because I was afraid she was going to slip away. "I kept calling your name, and you were just staring blankly like you weren't there at all. Something was wrong, and put you there. I just wanted to know what put you there so I can bring you back."

She turned up, grabbing my hand tightly. She ran her fingers up my arm, clutching it. She looked up at me, eyes glistening from tears as her breathing was still heaved.

"I don't know what did that," she said softly. She looked at me, her face confused and I just wanted to shake her as hard as I was shaking right now. "Do you still want to watch the movie now?"

Realizing she probably needed to take a breather, I pulled her dress all the way down, smoothing out the soft fabric. I then got up, straightening out my shirt.

"Yeah we can do that," I responded hoarsely, getting my laptop to bring it back to the bed. "Do you have a movie in mind?"

She shook her head mutely, her breathing still a little uneven. I just picked a random movie on Netflix, settled next to her, and watched. My eyes glossed over the movie, trying to process what just happened.

I hated the familiar feeling I was getting. That I was drowning and I didn't know how to stop. I don't understand what happened, or why it was happening. I was rubbing her arm despite tempted to grip it tightly out of fear and confusion.

You need to keep it in. You are just going to worry her. Just like you did with Mom.

"It was nice movie," Elise said quietly after the movie finished, looking at me with an uneasy smile. Her eyes looked hollow and the smile this time felt forced. Feeling overwhelmed, I focused on her hair, stroking the strands on me.

"How are you feeling?" I managed to ask.

Elise sighed loudly. "A lot better. I don't know what has gotten me over earlier," she admitted.

"Panic attacks are normal. I had them for a while too. You don't have to be embarrassed, princesa."

She shook her head. "It's not that. I just wanted to come here and say hello, and be normal."

I held her closer when she said normal, only feeling pain for her. I wanted to tell her that she wasn't a freak and share about my anxiety after Mom. My first panic attack came when Mom announced her official diagnosis. When she told me, I stood there, unable to breathe that did not stop until I started running and resumed control again.

"That was one way to say hello," I joked. A faint smile appeared on her lips. Her hand was hovering over her dress, right where the bruise was.

I knew what was happening. It was painfully obvious. It couldn't be more clear, but I wasn't sure what to say at the moment. I looked at her sweet smile and bright eyes, trying to fathom who would want to hurt her. We just started seeing each other, and I had no right to confront her something like that.

She would tell me if someone is hurting her...right?

I brushed the thoughts aside. She would tell me. She must.

I put an arm around her. "You know what I just realized? We haven't gone on a first date yet," I said instead, trying to make her lighten up.

"A date?" she repeated skeptically.

I nodded. "Yeah. It could be fun. Just the two of us."

She smiled, leaning towards us.

"That sounds amazing," Elise sighed, bringing her soft hands to my neck. "But can we keep this low key for a while? Just between us?"

My smile partially disappeared because those familiar words.

Last person who asked me that was Emma, and that was a nightmare.

My stomach churned with nervousness, and I looked at her. Elise's face looked so innocent and pure, enticing me to relax, but I couldn't.

"Like no one knowing that we were dating?" I clarified. My mood dropped when she nodded.

"Yes. Just keep it between us for a while. I like hanging out with you and I just like being in this bubble, you know?" Elise asked, putting her arms around my waist.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. That makes sense."

But it didn't. I wanted to explain to her my worries, but I couldn't. The words were stuck in my throat, still remaining a secret of my mind.

Elise isn't Emma.

"It's a date," I said with more conviction.