Chapter 22

How do you turn off your heart? 
I'm trying to

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"DAD, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOMETHING?" I asked, walking briskly into the kitchen. 

Dad was sitting in the kitchen, peering up from his papers scattered across the table. He took off the glasses to rub his eyes and run his fingers through his thinning hair. 

"Hey son. You're dressed nice. Are you going somewhere?" he asked, pushing some of the papers aside. He pushed an empty chair by him towards me, so I took it. 

I looked at my dark pants and white button down, thinking this hardly counted as dressing nice, but here, it honestly might be. I frowned slightly at his comment, considering it was usually him that wasn't home all day. I woke up for a run, had lunch, laid around all day until it was time to go to the barn party David and Sabrina are insisting I go to. 

"Just hanging out with David. We might watch a movie or grab food," I lied smoothly, accustomed to this when I went out in New York. I focused on the yearbook in my clammy hands, attempt to divert my thoughts to something else so it wouldn't look like I'm lying.

"At the theaters?" my dad clarified.

I nodded, looking at his papers. I finally asked, "What are you doing?"

At the mention of the papers, Dad blew some air out, lightly laughing and pulling the papers in front to show me. I looked at the random numbers with confusing. I gave him a questioning look.

He sighed. "Just some paperwork. After that, I think the boys want to do something."

I frowned. "The boys?"

"Old friends from my football team. Not a lot has changed here, " he commented with a happy smile. I looked at him, trying to recall the last time I saw him this happy, but I couldn't. "Anyways son, you said you needed help with something."

Remembering why I asked him for help, I pulled out the yearbook to open it to the bookmarked page. It was the cheerleaders page of the 1987-1988 yearbook with all the cheerleaders at different games.

"Yeah. What can you tell me about Rose Miller?" I asked, pointing to the picture of Mom, Rose, and two others standing together in a picture. I was looking through the yearbook, scanning each picture for Rose Miller. 

Dad's smile disappeared as he took the book and angled it towards him to study it better. Melancholy lines wrinkled his forehead as he touched the picture of Mom. Turning his face slightly, he looked at the picture of Rose smiling next to Mom.

"She was your mom's best friend. I never seen two people more close than them two. Both of them were cheerleaders in high school. Rose use to visit us in New York when you were a baby. We use to see her when we visited Alabama," Dad explained quietly, not once taking his eyes off the photo.

I looked at Rose with little familiarity, trying to recall her in our apartment. 

But I couldn't.

"I don't remember her visiting," I repeated this out loud.

"She use to until she died." Dad's voice trailed off before shaking his head. Dad pulled back a smile but it wasn't an easy smile; it looked very painful.He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers before continuing. "It was in the past. She fell down and died from internal bleeding a long time ago."

Hearing how Rose died made me let go of my breath I didn't know I was holding in. When David reasoned Mom wouldn't kill Rose, that nagging thought never left my mind until I heard how she died until now.

"Is that why Mom didn't come back to Alabama?" I asked with realization.

Dad nodded his head. "Yeah. Your mom didn't handle it well when she died." Dad stopped speaking. All the stress that was built up about Mom killing someone left my being as quickly it came in. I could've shouted for joy that Mom didn't kill anyone. 

But that meant Rose Miller was a dead end. 

Pulling away from my thoughts, I noticed Dad's eyes were still focused at the picture with intense scrutiny.

"Dad, what are you looking at?"

He pointed to the dark-skinned girl next to Rose. I craned my head to get a better look. She was attractive with her muscular figure and toned stomach. She had her Afro tied back, showing her oval shaped face and brown eyes. She was smiling at the picture with her arm around Rose.

"I forgot about Sarah Freeman. She use to be close with your mom too. I think she's a psychologist now. I saw her office the other day. And that..." Dad explained before pointing his finger to the last girl in the picture. "That's Aunt Anna."

Aunt Anna?

I looked the strawberry blonde girl standing on the other side of Mom. Unlike the others in cheerleading uniform, the girl was wearing shorts with a sweatshirt with a big A on it.

"Aunt?" I repeated with confusion.

Dad nodded."Technically yes. That's David's mom."

My interested piqued exponentially. I saw the resemblance between David and his mom. They both had sharp features and the same blue eyes. They had the same smile that could disarm any guarded person.

"Shit. That's what's she looks like?" I asked with shock.

Dad glared at me. "Language please. Anyways, Anna is only a few years older than me and your Mom. She was dating Uncle John at the time." At The mentioning of Uncle John, there was an awkward silence before Dad coughed. "Anyways, I think you have somewhere to get to."

Pulling the yearbook back, I nodded. "I'll be back soon."

He smiled . "I know. I trust you, and I'm proud of you."

"This is a barn party?" I asked in total completely shock.

"I know, cityboy. I know. Take it all in."

I couldn't take it all in. When David's friend came by to pick us up, I expected a stereotypical red barn that was found in a children's book. That was fortunately not the case.

The barn was in the middle of a great field. Faint music could be heard from a distance. Many were surrounding the barn, drinking and smoking at the entrance.

The outside looked dilapidated and old but the inside was renovated, almost looking like a second home. There were different color lights everywhere as many teenagers my age were partying. It had a large chandelier and a table that was being used for beer pong. It looked like a typical house party from the movies.

"I never thought I would party in barn," I commented with amusement. I didn't know we had many teenagers in Mayville. 

David nodded his head in approval.

"Yeah, Trent has a lot of these parties. His parents are always out for the weekend. It's pretty great."

On that note, he shoved me in. It was very crowded, and I immediately bumped into someone. Girls were grinding on guys, and others were talking in the side. Some were making out hard on the wall.

"This is cool," I shouted at him. It reminded me of a New York party that I snuck into with an odd Southern twist. The familiarity was oddly comforting. 

"You guys made it!" Trent made it his way to us, giving David and I a handshake and a half-hug. "Hope you like this, Yankee."

I nodded with approval. "It's great. Where is Sabrina?"

Trent shrugged. "I have no idea. I think she's around here somewhere. I should go find her, but there's alcohol in the back and kegs outside. Enjoy, dumbasses."

David gestured me to follow him, which I complied. While we were walking to the back, some people stopped David to say hello who introduced themselves to me. I nodded and smile, though I couldn't hear them very well. Despite the familiar music and environment, I still felt out of place. My head began to throb from the music and my chest tightened and made me feel nausea.

Some people even complimented about my singing, and encouraged me to keep going, which made me feel slightly better, but my mind was already racing.

We eventually made it towards the refreshments. The table looked like a mess with bear cans and soda everywhere. There was finger food scattered around the table, and spills that I could not identify in the dark.

"Hot girl behind you," David informed me, jerking towards the leggy brunette who was dancing but glancing over at us.

David looked like he was ready to party. His hair was just washed, and was slicked back. He shaved, wearing khakis and a polo instead of the typical jeans and a normal shirt, all topped off with a strong cologne smell.

I grinned. "You have no chance."

David went over the refreshment tables, and grabbed two beers. He tossed one at me, which I barely caught.

He opened one, and drink it.

"God bless America," David shouted over the music before downing another beer.Some people heard him, and they cheered him on as he finished his entire beer. When he finished, his wiped his mouth with his sleeve. I watched him as he tried to get his game on for the brunette.

"You haven't seen anything yet. Watch and learn," he challenged.

I saw him walked over, trying to slip into the dance group. David couldn't dance for his life, and it was funny watching him try to get the brunette. She looked at him, and she gave a small smile, and I saw her gyrating against him.

I felt something twist inside me. For the past two months, I had to suffer from my mother's death. I witnessed my Dad constantly leaving for work. Carlos was hiding in his room, and have been different since Mom's death all while trying to move on from a silly crush.

I looked at the beer in my in my hands.

I opened my beer, and finished it in a few minutes.

I deserved this.

On that thought, I finished two more beers, feeling a nice buzz coming in. I started to dance in the middle, not caring who was watching as alcohol began to rush through my body.

I felt someone tap me and I saw Stacy and Paige waving at me, and hugged me."Hey guys," I shouted through the loud pounding music, feeling very happy.

They shouted hey back. Stacy said something, but I couldn't hear her. I pointed to my ears, and gestured that I couldn't hear her.

"Does Angela know you are here?" she asked. I could smell alcohol under her breath, and her hear was a little sweaty from the parties. I shook my head.

"I came here with David. It's okay. I am just here to party," I explained, my voices slightly slurred. "If she wants to see me, I'm here." 

Stacy nodded at my words, and I saw disappointment etched on her face. Paige looked at her, and at me. Stacy gestured for them to leave, which they eventually did.

I looked around, and realized that I was alone. I couldn't find anyone that I knew. I looked up. There was a second floor, that also had people dancing. I grabbed one more beer, opened it, and took another sip. I felt a nice buzz beginning to settle it, and I left the beer can on the nearest table.

I began to party like in New York.

Although I wasn't a dancer, I was at least better than David, and actually managed to to enjoy myself. Despite my lack of ability to dance, I felt the sudden surge and I couldn't help but pump my fist to the music. I felt like I was invincible for that first period of time. I felt relaxed, and I started to really enjoy myself. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I felt so deliriously happy.

Noticing the beer in my hand was empty, I went back to the table to grab another beer. I wasn't sure how I heard it but I heard a voice that threw me off. 

"What is your problem?" 

I heard her voice. My buzzed brain looked around until it narrowed into a darker hallway nearby. My eyes narrowed down on Jackson and Elise in the hallway. 

Her eyes were wide. Her mouth was tight. 

"What is your problem? You have been ignoring my calls," I heard him shout. Elise pulled her arm away. 

"I'm not interested," she shouted. Elise took a step before Jackson grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"Let's just talk," he insisted. 

"There is nothing to say. Let me go now." She futilely pulled her arm, but Jackson pulled her close. I took a step closer, feeling a new anger inside me. I took a few steps closer to hear Jackson pleading to talk. 

"Don't be such a fucking tease. Don't say you don't think about those nights of us in my bedroom," Jackson said loudly. 

My steps faltered when I heard his words. This was not new information, but hearing it made my body ache.  

"I don't think about it," Elise responded curtly. 

"Sure, that's why you came back last week and yesterday night."

I felt like throwing up. Last night? She was with David, Sabrina and I last night. Did she see him after? I thought she wasn't interested in him anymore. 

You shouldn't be care what they do. You're not with Elise.

"Let go of me or else I will scream," Elise warned Jackson, who was ignoring her. Her voice was weakening. Her hands were grabbing on his shirt and pulling it."Please." 

The alcohol rushed to my head, and all I felt was anger. Without any thought, I pulled Jackson off Elise with ease. He stumbled back, glaring at me. His face turned into disgust. 

"She said stop," I said out loud. 

"Is he why you won't do anything with me? You are really choosing him?" Jackson asked Elise, gesturing to me. "Why don't you mind your own business." 

I turned to Elise. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked her. She immediately shook her head no. I turned back to the asshole in front of me. "You're actually nuts." 

"Why don't you focus on anything else. This is between me and Elise?" Jackson said, standing a few inches in front of me. He attempted to push me away from her, but I pushed him back again. 

"Why don't you stay away from us. Come on, Elise," I told her. She immediately walked close to me. I touched her shoulder to guide her outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jackson watching us but disappeared amongst the mass of people. 

We walked outside of the barn. I managed to walk Elise and I to a stone bench that was on the side of the barn. I took a seat on it, feeling my head rush from the alcohol. Elise sat next to me, she kept her hands under her legs, watching me.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. She was still silent, nodding her head quickly. "Take a moment and breathe. I will stay here." 

I looked away from her to give her the privacy she wanted. I listened her heavy breathing, her lungs fighting for air. After a while, her breathing has gotten more quiet. 

The silence was awkward- almost screaming at me to say something. To full in the space. Most of the time, the silence between us was oddly comforting, but something wasn't right.

"Thank you for what you did," she said to break the silence. I nodded, watching her hand on her chest as it was heaving slowly from her heavy breathing. After a few moments, her breathing calmed. "About what Jackson said-" 

"Do you need a drink," I asked abruptly, pulling my flask from my button down. I didn't want to hear about Jackson again. What she did with him is not my business and I didn't need to hear about it. 

I know I need one. 

I finally looked at her. Her wide blue eyes blinked for a moment, taking the flask I was insisting to her. She took a sip, and her face twisted with disgust. "Ugh. I don't know how you drink this." 

"Focus on the feelings you get after and not on the burn," I said, unable to not smile at her face. She gave me a tight smile, quietly handing me the flask back. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked. 

"Yeah I am," she said. 

Seeing that she was okay, I got up. She looked okay, and I wanted to drink and not think about Elise and Jackson together. My feelings felt out of control, and I needed to hide. "Then I'm going to head back. I'm glad you are doing okay." 

"Are we okay?" Elise finally asked.

I stopped on my tracks and looked at her. "Why wouldn't we?" 

"I don't know. You seem...different, I guess," Elise dragged out, trying to find the right words. 

My body stiffened. "Different how?" I asked. 

"I thought we got past this awkwardness, but since that stupid kiss, it's just been weird. Am I overthinking this?"

My eye twitched. 

"Maybe you should," I slipped. 

Her eyes widened. She stood up suddenly from the bench."What is that suppose to mean?" she asked, her voice hardening.

My patience was wearing thin. The thoughts in my mind were on the brink of explosion. The memories of her and the feelings I had wanted to come out. It was the alcohol. I know it was but my mind felt overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn't process. Shock was the main one, but anger came behind it. 

I sighed, trying to keep my frustrations at bay. "I thought I could hang around you, but when I heard what Jackson said...If I had known that kiss was that bad for you, I would've not even gone there," I answered bluntly. 

My cheeks were heating up from my stupidity and my failure. I was letting paranoia and anxiety get to me, and I was fucking it up. Better yet, it is ruined.

She took a deep breath, her mouth pursed. 

"Is that what you think?" she asked quietly, her voice cool. Her hands were clenched against her sides and her eyes flaring with an anger. "I didn't think the kiss was bad at all. You were the one who apologized after it happened."

"Because you got all stiff," I answered incredulously, shocked that this conversation was even happening. "Look, all I know is that I liked it and stupidly thought you wanted to kiss me too until you said the last three guys you kissed, you didn't feel a damn thing for. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Just give me time." 

"That isn't true," she exclaimed, her voice filled with frustration.

My buzzed mind stopped running at her comment. 

"What isn't true?" I asked. 

Her face changed into confusion. She slowly sat down on the bench. 

"Sit down," she said, gesturing to the empty spot next to her. Despite feeling conflicted, I slowly sat down next to her, keeping some distance between us.

She pushed a lock of her hair behind her eye, a few tendrils that fell across her flushed cheek. My fingers twitched at the urge to pull away. "I-I don't know what I'm doing, but I do know that I feel everything. I did that night, and I still do now," Elise said slowly. 

My body froze, and my heart was beating fast.

"Really?" I asked stupidly. Her face nodded, a hand slipping on top of my own. I instinctively gripped it, relishing at the idea of touching her hand. 

"Yeah. I liked it. And I know you are upset with me about Jackson-" she began to rant.  

"I'm not mad about you with Jackson. We aren't together and what you do is fine. It's just weird to hear," I answered honestly, trying to make sure she knows there was nothing wrong. 

"Do you want to be together?" Elise asked curiously. 

"I think I do," I said. 

"Oh." The way she said it was like it was a surprise. Like she really couldn't believe I said that. "Really?" 

The hopeful tone in her voice made the weight I was feeling lighter. I scooted an inch closer, our legs touching one another. I looked at her lips before back at her face. "If I kiss you right now, I won't be able to stay away after."

She lifted her hands to put on the side of my neck, her fingers slowly dragging, leaving a hot trail on my skin. Despite the woozy feeling from the beer, I was acutely aware of everything about her in this moment. "I'm not good at this either, Nathaniel...but I do feel everything. With you, I do."

One her fingers brushed across my mouth, and the mere fact she was breathing as heavy as I was drove me wild. Unsure what to do, I placed my hands around her waist. I must've done the right thing because she lifted herself to lightly touch her lips against mine. She pulled away, looking at my lips and inspecting them. She looked at me again, wide eyes staring back at me. Without any thought, I kissed her back hard, wrapping my hands around her waist to pull her in. Her hands immediately went around my neck, kissing me back as vigorously.

Her hands went down my chest, tightly gripping my shirt.

I wasn't sure how long it has been. For all I know, it could've been several minutes or a couple of seconds, but I was caught in the addiction of her lips. I needed to pull her away because if she didn't stop what she was doing. Still buzzed, I tried to calm my breathes and minimize the moaning, but I was losing all self-control.

Finding the energy inside myself, I pulled away with a groan of disappointment. I pulled back, and looked down at her, flushed and breathing like me. My chest grows heavy with disappointment.

She nodded, still gasping for breath.

She started to laugh breathlessly, making me ache.

"What's so funny?" I asked, looking at her swollen lips. 

She shrugged, her smile growing. "Nothing. I'm just happy right now." 

I grinned. 

"Me too." 

Author's Note: Long chapter but this was how I first wrote it and didn't want to change anything about it