Chapter 21

It's been a couple of months
Being alone
Surrounded by everyone

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"WOW. ANGELA KISSED YOU?"

When I heard David's sarcastic question , I rolled my eyes after I recounted the events that transpired with Angela.

"Shut up," I grumbled, wiping down the tables. David was trailing behind me, watching with a grin on his face. Sabrina groaned and shook her head, though I wasn't sure that meant for me or David.

"That is so surprising my jaw is on the ground," David continued with heavy sarcasm. Sabrina laughed along with David. David was taking too much pride in himself for guessing that Angela was interested in me.

"She only wanted one thing, Nate," Sabrina imitated David with a low pitch voice. She held up one finger like he always did when he insisted Angela was only after sex for me.

David rolled his eyes. "I don't sound like that."

"You're only grumpy because you hooked up with her friend," Sabrina muttered before walking away to greet the new incoming customers. David looked at Sabrina, shaking his head.

"You're not wrong," David eventually agreed, mumbling to himself.

I shrugged.

It was a normal day for me. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and hung out Carlos before going to work with David and Sabrina. I finally told David that he was right about my attraction with Elise, which was something I regretted quickly.

It was strange to feel something so strong so quickly. It took one action, and our words collided. It was weird. When I looked at her, it was instant chemistry. Talking to her was a sudden familiarity that I missed in so long. I had no idea all this time I just had a crush on her. She brought that a nice, tightly feeling in my chest every time she smiled.

"You are right. I am wrong," I admitted, realizing I haven't said anything for a long period of time. "I think you guys are overreacting about Angela anyways."

Their laughter died down. I peered down at the order, taking food from the kitchen towards the front to hand off to the counter. I looked up to Sabrina and David looking at me.

"What do you mean?" Sabrina asked me. Her arms were crossed and leaned on the counter.

I shrugged, struggling to change with her attitude. "You guys made her out to be some...bitch. She's been really nice to me, and it's not fair." I thought back to what she said in the car, and I knew deep down no one deserve to be spoken to like that.

"She's not as nice as she thinks," David muttered to herself.

"She's been helpful about the stuff with Mom. She's been nice and invited me out," I justified. My eyes narrowed on at their frowns. "Why do you don't look like you believe me?"

David sighed loudly. "I believe you," David repeated. "It's not about that. It's just she-"

A loud voice echoed through the diner. All three followed to the sound of a random middle school girl singing an Ariana Grande song at the small TV.

"Whose idea was that again?" Sabrina groaned, watching the girls scream into the microphone.

"Lily's," David groaned, peering over at the singing girls.

Lily came up with "Karaoke Friday" to bring more customers in. After word got around, she was right , it attracted people I served regularly as well as people around my age began to hang around here and sing at the karaoke box. Granted, they were not good at it but it brought a more livelier atmosphere into the restaurant.

We watched one guy one egged on by his guy friends to sing Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. Though envious at their fun, I cringed when the guy's off-tune, falsetto voice echoed through the restaurant.

"Well. At least he's trying," I commented optimistically.

"Well I'm glad you said it because this queue is long," Sabrina mentioned gesturing to the dry erase board down the counter that Sabrina, David, and I were standing around. White space was limited as the board was filled with names of everyone who wanted to play.

"I'll admit. It makes it more fun in here," David said, listening to the cheers and enthusiasm from the dinner.

I looked at the microphone, watching the guy sing with a new longing.

"Can employees sign up?" I asked out loud without a thought. The moment my brain recognized what I just asked, my mouth clamped shut. I looked at Sabrina and David, who were both watching the guy sing.

"Yeah they can-" David said before he stopped talking. He turned to me, his eyes widening the moment he just realized what I just asked. "Do..do you want to?"

Do I? I thought to myself. I looked at the microphone, my feet tapping to the tune of the music and I felt comfortable. Maybe it would be okay if I tried.

"Y-yeah. Maybe. I don't know what do you think?" I asked David.

He shook his head and put his hands up. "Oh no no. Not this again. After the last time I pushed you-"

"That wasn't your fault," I interrupted. It wasn't. He meant well, but I just wasn't ready. When David pressured me the first time, I didn't have the comfort feeling I was experiencing right now. "I get why you did it. I think I might be ready to get back into it."

David grinned, his eye lighting up with excitement. "You have been eyeing the microphone the whole time. I know you are just itching to get up." He shook his head. "Anyways it's a long queue so you have enough time to mentally prepare. You will be fine."

I rolled my eyes. "That is what you said last time."

He shrugged with a knowing smile and walked to the the white board and scribbled something on the sign up. I resumed collecting orders and charing customers for their meals. I only managed to get a few more orders in when I heard, "Next up we have Nathaniel McCoy. One of our very own."

I looked up to see Lily looking at me with an enthusiastic smile on her face. There were a few scatter claps and a whistle. My eyes widened, thinking how could it be that quickly. My heartbeat began to pick up quickly and my palms were growing clammy.

I immediately walked up to David, who was standing near the white board with his arms crossed.

"I thought you said there was a long queue," I commented, watching him with new panic as he took the microphone from Lily.

He tapped his chin as if he was in thought, but the smile on his face was giving him away. "Well I may have bumped you up next."

My heart started beating rapidly. "Maybe I'm not ready," I rushed out, feeling my hands get clammy.

I looked at the microphone the guy had with wanting. I wanted to do it. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I felt a hand on my arm, distracting me from my thoughts. I turned and looked at Sabrina, who was giving me a smile.

"Looks you want to but you're just nervous. If you don't want to then that's okay," Sabrina said. "No one is going to mind."

No one is going to mind, yet it feels like the biggest moment in my head. I walked over to the box handing on the wall. I pressed a button to flicker through the songs, glossing over the familiar titles until I felt one that was right for me.

This isn't a big deal. It will be fine. No one cares how this goes. It's just you, man.

Finally seeing a song that intrigued me, I selected the song. I picked up the microphone that was lying on the table next to the box and walked towards the screen where the lyrics show up. I heard some light cheering in the background, but I just focused on the countdown.

"They tried to make me go to rehab

But I said no, no no. "

My voice was steady, falling into the familiar rhythm of a song I heard Mom sing out loud from her kitchen tens - if not hundreds- of times growing up.

"Yes I've been black but when I come back

You'll know, know, know."

Though I heard some cheering and some singing along to the song, my eyes were glued to the lyrics. The music felt..effortless to me. Nothing was hurting. I felt like I could carry on forever if I wanted to.

"I ain't go the time

And my daddy thinks I'm fine.

Just try to make go to Rehab

But I won't go, go , go."

For the rest of the song, I was smiling. I felt the vibration from my chest as I was able to adjust my tune to the match Amy Winehouse's pitch. Eventually I heard a crowd of people who were singing along.

When I finished the song, I heard some loud cheering. The voice that stood out to me was David who came up and slapped my back hard.

"Shit I keep forgetting how great you are. And for once, sober," David complimented me. The singing left me in such a good mood, I even laughed.

"That did feel good," I confessed.

"So are you going to keep doing it?" David followed up quickly with an eager look on his face.

I didn't want to make any promises to myself, so I shrugged. "Yeah I may dabble. Maybe I could join the school chorus or something." The thought about doing something like that excited me.

"You know Trent, Anthony, and I dabble in music. We just like to rock out. You should join sometime," David offered.

I immediately nodded, for the first time eager to get back to singing again. "Yeah I'm down. Let's do it. Want to start tonight?"

David shook his head. "No can do. I told Sabrina I would hang out with her after our shift is up. Come join us." He pointed a finger at my direction. "I know you don't have enough friends to get out of hanging with me."

What he said was true. Even then, I wanted to hang out with David. For the first time in a very long time, I had enough energy to not force myself to enjoy myself.

"You should've seen them. Nate killed it," Sabrina described it. Apparently someone recorded me singing- probably David's doing- and showing it to Elise. "David and Nate even did a duet together."

I was surprised when she was there, and it felt like someone sucker punched me in the stomach. From her eyes widening when they fell on me, I was guessing she didn't know about this either. Watching her listen to me singing made me on edge, waiting for her review on it. Elise glanced at me occasionally but was primarily focusing on Sabrina.

"I would like to say I was the better singer out of us," David chimed in.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you were," I responded sarcastically.

Sabrina turned to Elise, gesturing towards the kitchen. "Elise, help me get some food out from the kitchen." Elise immediately nodded. I watched them both shuffle out, not once looking at me.

The moment they left, I turned around and punched David's arm hard. He yelped, giving a quick glare and rubbed his arm protectively.

"What the hell that was for?" David whined.

"You forgot to mention that she was going to be there," I hissed to David. "You said it's just the two of you."

He shrugged, eyes wide with surprise. He made a bunch of hard gestures that didn't make sense to me before whispering loudly, "I didn't know she was going to be there. Also chill with the staring. You're making it obvious."

I couldn't help it. It was the first time I saw her since everything happened. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear her thoughts, even though I wasn't sure what I was going to hear. I squeezed my eyes tight before opening them again at David's face.

"I can't help it," I admitted. "I want to talk to her."

Before David, said anything else, Sabrina walked into the living room with a stacked hoagie rolls in her hands. Elise followed behind her with a bowl of chips.

"I got some leftover sandwiches from the diner since I wasn't aware Nate was going to join us. Take on," Sabrina gestured to the plate before placing it down. Elise followed the same, still not making any eye contact. "The movie we are going to watch is 27 Dresses."

"Any reason for that movie?" I asked.

"Because it's my favorite rom com movie, and David never watched it. That's why we were suppose to hang out," Sabrina said cheerfully, using the TV remote to pull up the movie on the TV. She sat on chair next to the couch. Elise picked a spot next to her. David and I took the old couch nearby.

"Yeah I tried to change her mind," David said in a tone that indicated he spent some period of time arguing with her.

Sabrina shrugged with no sympathy. "My house, my food, my rules." She pressed play to start the movie, ending the discussion.

The movie was pretty entertaining to watch. I managed to get distracted with the movie for the first hour, but my mind wondered to the blonde girl sitting next to Sabrina. From my peripheral vision, I saw Elise running her finger on the velvet couch, absentmindedly watching the movie and not noticing me seeing her.

She was faintly smiling, occasionally turning her heard to whisper something to Sabrina periodically before returning to the movie. My mind wandered to the kiss. The softness of her lips wasn't leaving my mind. Her hands were imprinted onto my body. My throat became parched.

I need some water.

I quietly got up to the kitchen, not wanting to disturb anyone. My mind was out of focused as I searched for a glass to get water, opening random cabinets.

"Do you need help with anything?" the soft voice behind me asked. I turned around to Elise, who was sitting around the doorframe.

"Hey," I managed to say, looking at her hair that was slightly messy from the heat. She was wearing a white graphic-t and black shorts, but my heartbeat was quickening. "I'm just looking for a cup for water."

"Oh I can help with that," Elise responded. She walked passed me to open a random cabinet I haven't had a chance to open. She picked the first glass in front of her and walked towards the sink to fill the glass with water. I mutely took the glass from her, ignoring our fingers brushing and muttering a quick thanks.

I took a long sip of water, hoping to clear my throat. It was successful for a moment until I looked at her eyes and small smile. My throat became parched again.

"How have you been?I haven't seen you at our usual spot in a while."

The movie was still playing in the background, but I wasn't focused on the movie anymore. Just like that, the connection returned, and I clenched my fists to keep myself from doing something stupid.She smiled, and something shifted.

"Oh...yeah I have been pretty busy. My brother got back from camp. Been keeping him company," I responded quickly to fill the gap, even though I haven't seen Carlos that much since he got back. He has gone in and out, and I have been hanging out with myself and the guitar to pass the time.

"Oh that is cool," she responded innocently. "I think it's great you started singing again. You sounded really good."

When she said that, I smiled, still feeling the urge to hold her close. My hands grew clammy, and I kept them wrapped around the cup before I did something else.

"Thanks. It all started with you," I said without thought.

Her eyes widened.

"Me?" she asked, gesturing to herself like she was confused.

"Yeah when I was drunk and singing Mama Mia," I reminded her.

The moment where we kissed.

The amount of times I replayed that night in my head embarrassed me. I looked at her, watching her reaction go quiet, probably thinking about the same moment as me.

"I don't think that counts. That was just silly stuff," she joked. I held back the urge to flinch at the dismissing tone. "There was nothing big from that."

It was definite then, she was not interested. I need to move on.

"Well it made me feel comfortable, so thanks for that," I said because it was true. She smiled at the comment.

"Do you perform your own songs yet?"

I shook my head, feeling slightly anxious about the idea of sharing them. "Don't think I'm ready about that yet. You should come to the diner for their Friday karaoke nights. They are pretty fun."

She nodded quickly. "I will."

We laughed, but something felt different between us. The flow felt disrupted-most likely from my worry about making it awkward.

It made me say out loud, "Hey. Can I ask you something?'

Elise nodded immediately.

"Can we pretend what happened last time just didn't happen at all? I felt like it made things worse," I asked her.

She frowned at me, tilting her head slightly. She looked tired. Her eyes seem to have some bags that seemed to get worse when she rubbed her face.

"Are you talking about the kiss?" she asked awkwardly. I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat up. I rubbed the back of my neck. She then said, "Yeah, we can. No worries."

"We have been acting weird. We don't hang out more or anything," I tried to explain to her besides the fact that kissing her was the only thing here that brought me on to a state I have not felt since Mom died. "I miss talking to you freely."

Part of me wanted to pull her in and kiss her again, but I kept a distance. The idea of staying friends with her didn't feel right. I wanted to explain that to Elise, beg her to reconsider, but my mouth was shut.

I just realized I missed hang out by her.

When she nodded, my stomach dropped. "You're right. We don't hang out." She stuck out hand. "Friends then, Yankee?"

I looked at her dainty hand, impulsively grabbing it. Despite only kissing, holding hands was not enough for me.

Standing at a reasonable distance away from her was wrong.

It was killing me.

"Friends, princesa," I still agreed. She turned to watch TV, when I noticed her left eye appeared puffy. I scrutinized my eyes to notice it was an off shade from her face. Without any thought, I brushed against her, which resulted in her flinching away. "What happened to your eye?"

She touched her eye at the mention of it, inching slightly away.

"Oh yeah. It was an accident," she said.

"You should be more careful,"I played it off, looking at the bruises. She gave me a weak smile, nodding. We both smiled at each other, and I felt the connection again.

"Will do. We should head back to the movie. You're going to miss the best part," she said, gesturing me towards the living room where Sabrina and David were. I wanted to say no, and keep her here. I knew the minute we went back, we won't talk. I know we won't because I don't think I can with these feelings.

"Yeah," I managed to say before dragging my feet across the tiled kitchen towards the living room. I went back to my spot on the couch, focusing on some scene in the movie that I didn't understand.

You guys are just friends.

I looked at Elise, who looked at me once before watching the movie.

Before I could stop it, I imagined how it would feel to run my hand up her body and kissing her again. Or the thought about brushing my hands around her t-shirt. Without any control, I thought about sliding my hand up her bare thigh, pining her against the wall. One hand migrating under the tank and over her stomach, teasing her as my finger traces her hip bone and-

Fuck, Nate. You are watching a movie.

My eyes stared at the movie, fighting every urge not to look again.

When the movie ended, I felt suddenly drained. My eyes felt like it was tied to weights and my breathing was growing heavy. I felt like I was drifting, lifeless and I need to get out of here.

"Hey it's a great movie. I think I need to head out," I managed to say, not once looking at Elise. Sabrina and David made whining noises but I ignored it as I headed towards the front door. While I was quickly shoving my shoes onto my feet, I hear Sabrina calling for me. She came out.

"Wait before you go. I need to tell you there's a huge barn party at Trent's place. I wanted to invite you," she quickly shared.

"She is only inviting everyone because she finds him hot," David pointed out behind her. Elise chuckled at Sabrina's cheeks turning red.

"Not true. He's our friend," she immediately protested with a high pitch voice.

"We all know it's a lie," David commented. "Anyways Nate, you are coming to the barn party."

I was so caught up with just focusing on getting the hell out of this house, it took me a moment to realize what David said. I stopped shoving my shoes on and straightened my posture.

"A barn party? That sounds so hick..." I began before my voice trailed off when I realized everyone was looking at me.

Barn party? That doesn't sound like fun at all. In fact, it sounded pretty boring.

David turned to Sabrina. "No worries. He will be there."

Sabrina grinned. "Great. Now Nate can leave."

David wanted to escort me out. Elise and Sabrina said their goodbyes, waving before shutting the door. David and I were walking down the street towards our car.

"Why did you say yes for me?" I exasperated.

"She might be there, but I refuse for you to mope. No excuses and no bitching. Trent's barn is pretty dope. I think you will enjoy it," David explained firmly, not allowing me to protest. "I'm guessing your conversation with her didn't go well."

All thoughts of how it went down were still fresh in my mind, almost too raw to explain it to him.

We are just friends. Nothing else. She is not interested.

I shrugged, "We are good. It went fine."

We are good, yet I feel unsatisfied.

David nodded. "That's nice. How have you been since coming here?"

This was the first time in a while he asked me. He wisely choose not to spoke about Mom, which was easier for me, but talking about Mom was different then. It was not like before with talking about agony.

"I'm actually doing alright. Can I ask you something though?" I asked David.

David nodded.

I took a deep breath, knowing that I was crossing into uncomfortable territory with David. However, my desire to know was greater than the desire to remain in these boring boundaries. "How did Rose Miller die?"

David's eyebrows were scrunched. "Who is that?"

Realizing I haven't explained what I have discovered with David, I told him everything from the yearbook to Rose. David's eyebrows widened as I explained everything that happened. Then I told him what Carlos mentioned about Mom confessing to killing Rose. That part was sitting in the back of my throat, waiting to come out. Part of me was afraid that David confirmed my worst thoughts about Mom.

"Jesus Christ. This is your mom we are talking about. She wouldn't hurt anyone. That doesn't make sense at all, Nate."

Hearing about it made me feel better. It made sense, but something made me want to keep looking into Rose. Part of me wondered if she was in town, and how much she remembered about my mom.

But instead, I pulled back a smile.

But deep down, I couldn't let Rose Miller go.