Chapter 16

She smile. Clear as the sky and luminance like fire
It reaches her eyes 
And they sparkle something wild

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"I LOVE THAT SONG," Elise said, interrupting me for the first time today after sitting silently since I arrived. 

My fingers froze on the guitar. 

"What?" 

"Yesterday. It's a good song," she clarified, giving me a smile before returning back to her drawing. 

My fingers pressed on the string, in the right position to keep playing the tune that was running in my head all day. But my mind seemed more interested in the person in front of me. A piece of her hair was tucked behind her ear, and she was bitting on her lower lip as her pen danced across the page. Her eyes slightly narrowed at the page as she sketched and she was humming Yesterday with no care in the world. 

She is better at art than singing. Her humming was very off tune, and if my choir teacher heard it, he would've had a fit. 

Though she was horrifyingly out of tune, I prefer her singing over mine any day. 

She looked up at the sky for a moment, contemplating, before she returned her attention onto the paper. I was about to return to playing the guitar when Elise's blue eyes caught his. 

"Aren't you going to return playing?" she asked curiously. 

I tried to act natural as I propped my guitar closer to my body. 

Nice one, moron.

"Sounds like you enjoy my little tunes," I joked, looking down at the guitar. 

"Maybe. Don't stop," she said.

I looked up at her expression. Her eyes were oddly bright, like she really meant it when she enjoyed my playing. A smile graced her lips, encouraging me to way. Knots were forming into my chest. 

My fingers suddenly felt heavy. My brain was forcing it to do it, like it did just did before but the old feelings came back. 

I froze. 

Elise's smile melted away. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. 

"Yeah," I responded. Elise placed her sketchbook on the side. "What are you doing?" 

"I can tell something is bothering you. You make this face like you're thinking," she pointed out. 

I didn't know how long she noticed that or what I looked like but I hoped it wasn't as obvious as she was making it out to be. 

"I can't play," I admitted. Elise's eyes soften. She didn't say anything, waiting for me to explain what I was referring to. "Sometimes when I play...I just start to feel numb. Then I try to concentrate more on the music and then I just eventually freeze. It started when I moved here." 

It started when Mom died. It was the first time I felt the numb feeling. Feeling nothing in your body but feeling everything in your mind like it was too much for your body to handle to begin with. 

She nodded with understanding. 

"I kind of like the numb feeling," Elise admitted, her fingers playing with the ends of her hair. "That's why I love art. I always have so many thoughts and feelings in my head, but when I draw or paint, everything just goes quiet. I don't have to force it out of me." 

Music wasn't numb for me. It was freeing. Every emotion just goes through the song. 

"That's the dream," I said, wishing that I could feel what she felt. 

"Don't overthink it. If you need to focus on something, maybe focus on something else," she responded. 

What do I think about instead? 

"Will do. If I don't give up," I tried to joke, despite the serious tone in my voice. 

Her eyes widened. 

"Can you give it up?" she asked. 

I sighed.  

"I don't know. That is the problem," I answered honestly. Before I could explain, I felt my phone vibrating. I pulled my IPhone out of my pocket to see Dad's name showing up.  

"Ugh shit. I have to go. My Dad is having a get together at the house," I responded apologetically. 

Dad mentioned he wanted to have a get together with some of his old friends, and wanted me there to keep him company. He thought it would be nice for me to meet them, though I'm far from interested and was the primary reason I was out here. 

I looked over at Elise. 

Well, second reason. 

"Oh that sounds fun," Elise responded optimistically. 

"You can come with if you want," I offered, liking the idea of her being there. 

"It's your Dad thing. I don't want to intrude," she insisted. Before I could object, Elise cut in, "Also I wanted to finish this thing I've been working on the past couple of days if you want to see." 

I put my guitar on the grass, quickly scooting and sitting right next to her. Our legs were pressed side by side, something that I enjoyed. 

Elise angled her sketchbook towards me. My eyes immediately looked at a lady, sitting in a martini glass. Her legs were hanging out of the glass, her legs crossed. She was wearing a long dress that looked like peacock feathers overlapping one another that draped outside of the martini glass and leaving a trail on the ground. 

"Wow. And you did this with that pen?" I asked in awe, looking at the decorative around the picture.

Elise nodded, her cheeks turning red. 

"It's okay. It's not with my best pen," Elise try to downplay. 

I shook my head. "No this is amazing. How do you know where to even draw the lines? I can't do this. If you mess up, you can't take it back." 

"I don't know. Practice. I picture it in my head first before I draw it. I remember the first few times I have done it and it turned so bad," Elise began to rant. She began to talk about drawing with pen, flipping back to old pages to explain her experimenting with pen. My mouth is open, waiting to give a response but I couldn't. First, she wouldn't let me, which was common when she talked about her part. The second was because I didn't have much to say. 

I liked watching her. She had this beam on her face that could make the stars and moon jealous. Just everything about her excitement is so...beautiful. 

"I can't do any of that," I said after she finished. 

 "You can. It's the same with a guitar isn't it? If you play one bad note, you can't take it back," she looked up at me. 

My heart lurched right then and there.

"What would you draw in next? It looks done?" I asked, focusing on the drawing. I pointed to the part of the border that looks the least decorated. "Here looks a little empty." 

She nodded, pointing at the area as well. 

"Here and here. I just want to finish the border but the details take a long time," she explained, tracing her finger around in different shapes like she was already envisioning her next steps.

Her fingers brushed against mine, and I felt the sparks. I closed my eyes for a moment, fighting the urges that wanted to come out. I knew it wouldn't work. It couldn't work. 

I liked her. I knew I did, but everything told me to restrain myself. 

She doesn't feel those things with the other guys. Why would she with you?

My phone vibrated in my pocket again. 

"You got to be shitting me," I muttered to myself. I already knew it was Dad calling again, probably more important this time. I muted the call to turn to Elise. "I definitely have to go back because my Dad is calling me. Give me your phone." 

Elise nodded, her smile disappearing. It almost looked like she was disappointed I'm leaving. 

I pulled out my phone and gave it to her. 

"Put in your phone number," I requested. 

She took it cautiously. 

"Why?" she asked while she was entering her contact information. 

"So we can talk other times besides the mere chance of seeing you here," I said. 

She nodded, her smile returning onto her face. 

"Great idea. Have fun at the party, Yankee," she said, giving a wave. 

Taking in her for a few more seconds, I managed to turn around and start walking through the woods back towards my backyard.  

Everything against me hated the fact I was leaving. I wanted to talk to her and sit next to her. I thought about her all the way until I reached the backdoor. I opened the sliding glass door and was greeted by several strangers in my house. 

Dad put some effort into the gathering so it seems. Music was playing through something I don't know what since we don't own speakers. The house was well lit, showing the different variety of food and alcohol on the table. If it wasn't for the middle-aged people talking and eating, I would've guessed this was a party for teenagers. 

What the hell is going on here?

"Oh you must be Chris' son," one stranger came up to me, grabbed my hand, and started to shake it vigorously. I looked at the stranger's hazel eyes, startled and unable to communicate. 

He was dressed professional with his tucked in shirt and dark slacks. The warm smile almost left me uneasy because he recognized me immediately, and I still had no idea who he was. 

"Nice to meet you?" I asked in a questioning tone. 

He laughed. 

"I know your father since elementary school. You remind me of him," he said, which was a first time anyone has every said that. "You definitely resemble Anita though." 

"I do?" I asked, still shaking his hand.

I saw my father come up behind, and clasped my shoulder.

He gave a hearty laugh, "Don't confuse my boy too much Jerry. He has been stuck in his own world since we got here. Nathaniel, this is Jerry. We played football in high school, " I gave him an awkward wave, and tried to turn away from this. My father's hand began to hold harder on my shoulder, trying to force me to watch this.

"It's all good," Jerry laughed. My father joined into the laughter. "We are all stuck in our own world."

"But Chris never left his," a feminine voice said behind me and stood next to my father. Jerry and my dad laughed with her, but I could only stare at her. She was beautiful. Her brunette hair was piled on top of her hair. Her dark eyes and well shaped figure for her age made her attractive. 

"You always knew me best. Come meet my son. Nathaniel, this is Gina, a co-worker at my firm," my father introduced. She gave me a warm smile and I shook her hand. She had a killer grip. It took every urge not to make a noise, and kept on smiling as if she's not destroying my hand. "We just have been looking through our high school yearbook."

"Nice to meet you," she greeted me warmly. When she let go of my hand, I brought my hands back to me, rubbing the crushed hand.

Thanks for crushing my hand Gina.

"Nice to meet you to," I said through my teeth. She is oblivious to the painful look on my face because she started to laugh and elbowed my father.

"He is just like you Chris," she laughed. I looked at her face again, and I didn't pay attention to her beauty. Her eyes flickered to my face before she started chatting with Jerry. I felt a sense of deja vu hit me again.

Dad held up a finger. 

"Son, can you do something?" he asked. He turned around before I could respond and picked up a book that was left on the counter. "Can you put this back into the basement? I took it out for old time sakes but I don't want to lose it." 

He placed the book onto my hands. I turned the book around to see Mayville High School written in white letters and red. I nodded, placing the book under my armpit.

"Yeah for sure," I responded. 

Turning around quickly, my father lead me away from the group before I could think about it again. He took a plate and put some chicken and rice on it. "You haven't had dinner yet. Here take some and enjoy the party. I wanted to have a house party because I feel disconnected from everything, and I am sorry for that son because I know that it's affecting you. It's time for a fresh start."

A fresh start... It was time for a new beginning. It's hard to rebuilt yourself from the ground, piece by piece, without any instructions or guidance from a father who works too much for a living. My siblings are out, and I haven't told David everything yet.

That doesn't mean I never will.

I felt the change now.

"I agree with you. New start, but I am not much in a party mood. I will eat later if that is cool with you?" I asked honestly, clutching the book tightly.

My father nodded his head.

"Of course. I can't force you to stay up, but if you don't then I will get Carlos after you," he said with a sicking face.

I laughed.

"I can beat Carlos up," I protested. Being a few years older than Carlos left me with some advantages.

"Don't fight where I can see you."

We laughed over the comment; It was almost like we were back in normal.

Almost.

"I'll be in my room," I told Dad. Dad, who clearly was too happy to notice me wallowing, nodded his head before leaving to return to his friends. Massaging the side of my temple, I settled onto my bed, groaning from what just happened.

Looking out, I looked at the yearbook in my hands. Pulling the book in front of me, I opened it to the black and white photos of people smiling from the 80s. I faintly smiled at the photos, looking a at a picture of Mom and Dad at prom. I smiled at Mom's thick hair was curly all the way down with a dark purple dress while Dad had a blonde short cut in a black tux and heavy muscles from the football team. They were smiling, looking very much in love and happy.

I wondered if they knew how it will end, they would've stayed together.

I flicked through more pages until I saw the superlatives page. These were colored of different people standing at superlatives such as "Best hair" or "Most likely to be successful." However, something stood out to me. 

My eyes focused at a picture for the superlative for "Best friend" for girls.

It was my mom on someone else's back, both smiling at the camera. My eyes widened when I realized that Mom was with the same woman from David's picture.

I took out my phone, and took a picture of them. I zoomed up into the picture of them on my phone, studying the woman standing next to my mom.

"Rose Miller," I muttered the name, staring at the picture. "So you do exist."

Then why can't I find you anywhere?