CHAPTER 14

It's you. It's you.
It's always been you

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

I SPENT THE REST OF THE SHIFT SILENT.

I dropped the topic about Elise and just focused on finishing my shift as quietly and efficiently as possible. Standing quietly behind the cash register, I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift back her.

She was there even on the drive home and while I was showering. They were powerful, keeping me occupied and distorted time, making it feel like I have been only thinking about her for a few moments when in reality it was several hours.

When I was getting dressed, I saw my guitar lying on top of the box. Staring it, I felt something in me, coming to make it's appearance for the second time.

I wanted to play the guitar.

I played it before but not with this urge. Before, it was forcing myself to get back into a routine. To become reacquainted with an old face. This was different, this was a burning desire. A deep love making its reappearance. I didn't realize how much I missed that feeling until it appeared.

The only thing that pulled me from my mind was a sharp knock on the door. Swinging my head to the direction of the door, I flattened my pair of shorts as I walked to the door. I ran my fingers through my hair to make it look more presentable from the shower and flattened my shirt to hide any wrinkles.

I took a deep breath, feeling my heart speed a bit as I opened the door to Elise.

She was standing a few feet away, arms behind her back with a shy smile. I waved and took in the view.

Looking at her made something in me stir. She wasn't looking particularly extravagant but the pale blue dress with flowers on it made her look good. It was a simple dress with two thin straps to show off her shoulders, the dress fitting her upper torso and the dress ending along her thighs.

My heart pounded faster when I peaked her lean legs.

Fuck. Maybe David was on to something.

"Hey," she greeted softly, first to break the silence.

I straightened myself when she spoke.

"Hey," I managed to say. "You look nice."

Nice was not the right word, but I couldn't say anything else. I needed to get a hold of myself. She ran her fingers through her hair, allowing it to fall past her shoulders. My eyes remained focused on her smile.

"Thanks," she said with a sweet smile.

I opened the door wider, gesturing her inside.

"Come in." She followed at my words, taking her eyes off of me. "Would you like a tour of the house?"

She nodded. "Sure." She followed behind me while I point out the rooms. There were only a few knick knacks and objects to point out. She didn't ask questions, taking everything in quietly next to me.

"So you have seen the living room. And right over there is my kitchen and dining hall right there," I explained, pointing at the various rooms. When we finally got to my bedroom, I swung the door wide open. "This is my room. Feel free to look around, but I recommend not looking into it too intensely."

She walks past me, walking into the room. She turned to me curiously. "Why? Are you hiding something?"

I shook my head, following behind her. "That's not it."

I am just afraid I left something that I don't remember lying around.

There were a few objects in the room I definitely did not want Elise to see, and I couldn't recall where I placed them. I made my bed, tucking the sheets under the bed and tidied the knick-knacks around my room. There were a couple of posters of football teams and movies that I liked in the past. Knowing she was coming made me uneasy, and watching her look around made me fidgety.

"Do you want anything to eat or drink? I have ice cream sandwiches that I just bought the other day," I attempted to interrupt her from looking around.

Elise turned around, shaking her head. Her face look serious, no smile or anything. "I don't really eat ice cream."

My eyes widened with disbelief. "Are you serious?"

Elise gave an uneasy smile, rubbing her neck. Looking at her neck, I noticed a red mark on her neck. Nothing big, so it was probably just her natural color as her cheeks were turning slightly red.

"I just don't like it. It is weird and cold. I hate the brain freezes it' gives me. It is not worth it," she explained, wrinkling her nose in distaste.

I tutted her.

"Do you hate America?" I asked.

She laughed, taking a few steps closer to me. "You are being dramatic. There has to be something you hate that everyone likes. Everyone has one of those things."

She was getting closer to me- a fact that my body was screaming at me. I don't think she realized or noticed, but I definitely did. Her shoulders were less tense and the mistrust I initially saw on her face was fading.

It wasn't gone completely, and I was aware of that but seemed more...relaxed.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess tomatoes? I like ketchup and salsa, but I don't like tomatoes raw for the most part. Like in sandwiches and stuff. But I eat them cooked."

Elise appeared amused.

"I think that just makes you picky," she teased. "Is eating ice cream sandwiches the activity you planned for us?"

"Nope." I walked towards my chest, and pulled a black cover out and handing it her. "I have Fight Club right here. You're going to love it," I said, watching Elise's reaction cautiously.

"A deal is a deal," she finally comment.

"Wow don't sound too excited," I muttered dryly, which she laughed. "Let's set up the movie."

She followed me to the living room, holding the movie in her hands. Arriving to the room, I turned around to take the movie from her hands.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, walking towards the TV.

She nodded, following behind me. "Yes sure. I can help you with anything."

I grinned. "Great. I was going to ask you not to stare at my ass while I fix this. I know you think I'm cute and all-ow!"

She hit my arm after my comment, cheeks turning red. I laughed, watching her sit on the couch, one leg on top of another and her arms crossed over her chest. "You had that coming, Yankee."

I laughed, crouching down to place the DVD player. After, I hopped on the seat next to her.

"Prepare to have your mind blown."

We sat there while the movie began. We did not share any exchange of words. Already familiar with the movie, I was not focused on the movie. Instead, I was peeking on the side, watching Elise's reaction. I watched Elise's body leaning against the couch, her legs propped up. I tried focusing in the movie, rather her legs that looked good.

Her hand were circling around a bruise around her knee, bruises I normally got during sports or sometimes out of the blue. It took a lot from me to pull my eyes off her legs and back on the screen.

A few seconds later, I glanced at her face. Her eyes gleamed, and she laughed at some scene I didn't even know what. I watched her bit her pink lip thoughtfully while watching the movie. I shifted uncomfortably, feeling my body stirring in response.

Her scent wafted over to mine, and I inhaled it in like it was air. Strawberries. She smelt like strawberries, and it was intoxicating. Oblivious to my presence, she appeared completely relaxed, leaning on the couch and watching the movie.

When the movie finished, she had a smile on the face that made me glad to show her.

"What do you think?" I asked Elise.

She pulled her dress down past her knees before she shrugged.

My jaw dropped.

"You just finished one of the greatest movies ever, and you just shrugged. You should be shitting your pants more like," I declared, getting up from the couch. I took our glasses and the bag of chips before heading towards the kitchen.

Elise got up.

"I know. I'm just messing with you," she said with a playful smile. She watched me place the glasses in the sink and the chips into the pantry.

"You were right. It was a really good movie. I liked it a lot. Thanks for showing it to me," she said.

I took a few steps closer to her.

"No problem. I'm glad you liked it," I said.

She smiled. I saw her glance flicker at a certain direction, and her eyes widened.

"Wait. Hold on a second," she said, walking towards the side table, brushing past me and picking up a framed photo "Is this you?"

She pointed at the picture.

"Yeah it is," I answered, following to stand behind her. I knew what she was looking at because I intentionally put the picture there. It was me when I was five at my soccer league with Mom, who was standing proudly next to me. "Who is asking?"

"You just look so cute," she gushed, smiling the more at at my picture than me right now. She pointed to the figure standing next to me. "Is that your mom?"

I nodded.

"Yeah."

She looked at the picture a little bit longer before she handed the frame back at me.

"She's beautiful. It's such a cute picture of you two," she finally said, smiling at me. I nodded, placing the picture back on the side.

"Thanks. She passed away a month and a half ago, so I just like to keep those photos around," I explained, looking at the photo one more time before leaving it on the table. I took a seat on the couch. Elise followed.

Her eyes widened with shock, and they softened. Her eyes seemed oddly bright, taking a few steps back by my words. Oddly surprising for her, but I knew how bluntly I said it.

I wasn't even sure why I shared it, but something made me want her to know.

"Oh. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" She asked, immediately reaching out for my hand, and scooted closer to me until our legs are touching.

Thrown off guard, I froze and wondered if she noticed these details like I do. The scent of strawberries was very strong when her hair came into my face. Her body was against mine, and it was getting hotter in the room.

"Yeah," I managed to say, feeling my chest racing. My thumb ended up rubbing against her hand, feeling her smooth skin underneath my finger. My hand was itching to do more, but I held back. I didn't know why all these urges were coming all of a sudden, but I realized that I was struggling to hold back.

She squeezed my hand.

"It will get better. They say it gets better with time, and it's true to a sense. The hole you feel wont ever truly go away, but then you realize she never dies. She will be there in your actions and words. I know she was a great person because you are a good person."

I squeezed my eyes shut, emotions rushing through me. I took a few shaky breaths before looking at her.

"Thank you."

My emotions were mixed. What she said about Mom hit me in the heart, but she was so close to me I could feel her breath against my mouth. It was tingling, wanting to move a few inches forward. Instead, I pulled back before I do anything else.

"It's okay. You don't have to make me feel better about it," I brushed off, feeling pathetic about not being able to just talk about her without people feeling bad for me me about it.

She winced, and she pulled away, breaking away. Feeling rejected, I put my arms down, immediately feeling the loss of her presence.

"I don't pity you, you know? I lost my mom was I was young. I know how it feels to just...spiral," Elise explained, clasping her hands together on her lap.

I looked at her forlorn face. She knew what it's like to lose a mother. I wanted to reach out again and feel her close, but I just sat there.

"I'm really sorry," was all I could say, unsure what could be said.

She shrugged, smiling. "It's okay. I also know people tell you just move on and to just...forget."

"They do that," I agreed, sitting more upright. "I can't."

"You shouldn't," Elise responded. "That's not right of anyone else to ask that of you. Everyone's grief comes in different shapes and form. You have to know what works best for you."

I nodded, my throat too tight to even speak.

"Thank you, princesa," I said again, throwing in the nickname to make the conversation a little bit more light. Her words rang in my ear and I felt relieved. I was happy that someone understood. Someone just gets what I am feeling.

I'm also glad that it was Elise.

"No problem," she said with a smile. She placed a hand on my leg before looking at the clock on the table.

Her eyes widened and she suddenly shot up from the couch.

"I'm sorry. I think I need to go. It's getting late," she said.

From the pain of her voice, I probably ruined the mood. To be completely honest myself, talking about Mom once again left me a little drained despite the relief I feel. Despite the urge to be with Elise, I know that I wanted to lie on my bed and think about what she said.

"Yeah of course," I coughed, managing to find the words in my mouth.

"I can go through the backdoor since it's easier" She asked, gesturing to back door by the kitchen. I nodded at the request.

"Trying to hide from someone?" I joked.

She shrugged, her smile disappearing slightly.

"Somethin' like that," she responded vaguely.

We walked through the kitchen to the back glassdoor in silence. I opened the backdoor, immediately greeting by the humid heat and my shorts immediately sticking to my leg.

I turned to her, who had her hands behind her back.

She smiled gratefully. "Thank you for the movie. I had a really nice time."

I smiled. "No problem. I enjoyed it too."

We both reached out for a hug. Her arms wrapped around my neck, so my arms had no choice but to wrap around her waist. She felt warm under me. I take it back, she felt even better than that. The strawberry smell was strong from her hair, and I held onto her tightly.

I didn't want to let her ago.

It was Elise who loosened her grip and pulled away. Not wanting to break the contact, I reached out her hand, holding it. She whipped her head quickly towards our hands. Her eyes widened before she looked at me. I clutched her hand, almost afraid to let go of this newfound connection.

She smiled.

"Bye, Yankee," she whispered to me, squeezing my hand and sending an electric feeling in to my chest. She turned around and pulled her hand gently away from mine to keep walking.

"Bye," I whispered, even though she couldn't hear me.

Watching her disappear into the evening sky, I shut the door. I walked towards my bedroom, feeling a new sense of energy. I immediately grabbed my guitar and my black notebook. I opened to a new page, and started to put tunes that were running through my head onto the page, filling it lyrics that flowed to the music.

The house was silent besides the music was playing and my singing. All this time, my mind was wandering down an imaginary path that lead to Elise. She was standing there, smiling at me. It was a sad smile, and in my mind, she walked away.

I stopped playing, thinking about her.

What happened if she didn't leave? Would we have kissed?

She's just a friend. Hell, she was half of the time pulling away from me. No way anything could happen.

She even said she doesn't feel anything with the guys she was with.

Even if anything did, I was in a mess of my own.

I'm in my own loss, and I feel my mind going insane.

I don't have a crush on her.

I looked out my window.

You go keep telling yourself that buddy. You know it's a lie anyways.