Chapter 13

I'm finding my place again
Guess I know that looking from the outside
is the best i can do

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"ARE YOU SURE WE ARE GOOD?"

"I'm telling you. I'm fine."

"You are positive?"

"If you keep asking me, I won't be," I snapped back at David.

David felt bad after making me sing publicly. He texted me to make sure I was home, and called me the following morning after the incident. I appreciated the kind notice but David has been going beyond what was necessary.

"Sorry. Just making sure," he said.

I put a hand up.

"Don't worry. I'm really okay."

Despite the fact I didn't really hold it against him, guilt was clearly etched on his features. After the party, I went straight home and laid on my bed the entire night- not even taking the time to change into my pajamas. The idea of getting up after that night was too much. I felt drained and just wanted to recharge.

"Really?" he asked.

Thinking about my small breakdown only brought embarrassment to me, so I spent most of the time trying not to think about it. So the faster David dropped the topic, the faster I can focus on the present.

"Don't worry. You were just having fun. We are suppose to have fun," I insisted. I didn't hold anything against David since he was just trying to have fun. My friends would've done the exact same thing in New York.

My mouth dried when I realized I said the same sentence to Mom. I was trying to reason with her after sneaking out late to a party with Esteban, Javier, and few other friends from high school when she wanted me home that specific night.

Mom rolled her eyes before whopping my ass.

My heart ached at the sudden memory.

"You know I thought you were a party type of guy, city boy."

I snorted. "Why? You think I'm boring?"

He laughed. "No. Just wondering about city parties. Be honest, what's the craziest thing you have done?"

I held back a scoff. It was amusing, but sucked, to hear that was how David thought about me. Calling the guys from home reminded me how much I changed since Mom died. I felt like a different person at times.

I speak about me in New York like it was a separate person, when in reality, it was the same person inside me. How carefree I use to be to how exhausted I was now. Laying on the bed in the night, thinking about how I found Mom's body. How little sleep I get that leaves me barely able to function properly.

"I have my moments," I said in an unconvincing tone. David leaned on the counter with a stupid grin.

"Such as..." David trailed off.

My mind rummaged the most and stupid thing I have done. Being in the city made me prone to do stupid things and I definitely did some stupid things. My mind immediately thought of going to house parties would be acceptable, but that didn't seem common.

Also half the time I was too drunk to remember half of the time.

"I once stole a Wendy's sign," I pondered. I wasn't proud of the fact I stole it with Javier, but when the police decided it was a lost cause, it was funny to think back on.

His jaw dropped. "Seriously?" he asked.

I nodded, grinning at the memory.

"Sitting in my garage as we speak," I explained with a sudden pride.

"And your parents didn't notice that?" he asked incredulously.

"Think I got it in a garage sale," I answered. Mom was hesitant to believe me, bu I think eventually my parents bought it.

He shook his head with disbelief. "That's crazy."

"I know it's a lot considering what white people parties are like," I teased before laughing outright.

He glared at me.

"Just remember you are half white so you're insulting half of yourself, dipshit."

I laughed. Something about that moment I felt a small piece come back. I didn't know where it was before but it was back in the right place. Moments like these was when the shattered pieces of my life slowly began to realign in the right place.

And it felt fucking great.

"Yeah but let's be real, people don't know that," I said, pointing to my tan skin. Despite Dad being white, most people don't notice that right away, especially with my skin only getting darker in the heat. It wasn't a part I was as connected with, especially when I was surrounded by Spanish speakers in my neighborhood.

"Does Angela know?" David asked, his smirk growing.

I shrugged.

"I don't know. Why did you mention her?"

"Because she was trying to get you alone. You know what that means," David insisted.

"You know I don't get the hate about her. I'm not interested in dating, so it doesn't matter. She's been really nice," I responded dismissively. David has poked at her for being flirty, though I don't think she even was. She just seemed...nice.

He put his hands up.

"It's complicated, but she's not as nice as she seems," David hinted. "I'll explain it to you another time. It's...complicated."

"Does it have anything to do with to do with the fact she doesn't get along with Elise?" I guessed.

David nodded.

"Yea. It does," he admitted, not adding more to the conversation. "Anyways, what else is new with you?"

Sensing the obvious change in subject, I decided to focus the conversation to something else that was sitting on my mind.

"I couldn't find the woman on social media," I responded back.

David knew which woman I was exactly talking about. The woman in the picture he showed me. After couple more days of trying to find her, I called quits.

"That sucks dude. I'm sorry. I know you really wanted to find her," David with apologetically.

He sounded like he meant it but his casual tone rubbed me the wrong way. The tone of his voice made me bothered and I didn't even know why.

"Why don't you seem at all as interested in this as I do? Don't you want to know who this woman is?" I blurted out.

David shrugged, slightly taken aback with my question. He looked at the crowd before looking back at me.

"It's not that I'm not interested...I don't know. She is old news. I haven't seen her since that photo, which is fourteen years ago. I care about you Nate, but I guess I'm not sure what do you expect from finding her. I would tell you if I knew anything, but I think this is a dead end."

I stood there silently, struggling to find a response because he was right.

"She knows about this. I can feel it," I insisted, feeling isolated from everyone else with this belief.

She must know something. There was no way this Mom would want to stay away from her family in Alabama, the one thing she cared about the most in the world. Something must've kept her away.

David looked at the busy crowd. He tilted his head and furrowed his brow, caught up in his own thought process.

He turned to me with a serious look on his face.

"Can I ask you something?"

I nodded my head.

David leaned in.

"Did your mom leave a note when she..." David asked quietly, lowering his voice.

I shook my head.

That was the one thing that angered me about Mom leaving. No explanation. Nothing. I last heard her fighting before dying. It angered me because she was the only providing hope only to leave without any reason.

"Why are you asking?"

David put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm worried you are looking into all of this because she died, and you don't entirely know why. You might be looking into something that is just a bracelet," David pointed out, dropping his hand from my shoulder. "I don't want you to go down this path and get frustrated.

I stood there silently, no words coming to mind to even respond to that. Part of me wanted to still look into the picture, to discover something new and continue learning about Mom.

But another part of me thought David was right. I didn't want Mom's life to end. I wanted to keep hearing new things and have new memories with her. Maybe this was some twisted away to keep her alive in my mind.

But she isn't alive.

"Maybe you are right," I finally said, looking at the bracelet with discontent.

"Go focus on other things," he suggested.

"Like what?" I asked.

"I know one particular person in mind," he chimed in before snickering.

I knew immediately who he was referring to. Part of me regretted mentioning Elise to David because he was decent friends with her and I'm convinced that's a conflict of interest.

"I told you already about Elise," I immediately responded, letting the words sit strangely in my mouth.

I was attracted to Elise. It wasn't like the other things I hooked up with girls while Mom was going through treatment. This was like Emma. Looking at her made me feel something. Distracted, I was looking at the orders and passing them to the cooks in the back. David followed behind, not picking up on the fact that I was avoiding this subject.

"Do you think about her all the time? Do you want to be near her? Do you get aroused at the sight of her?" David rattled off. Handing off the orders to the back, I picked up a few of the plates and started to hand them off at respective tables.

"You're nuts," was all that I responded, walking back behind the counter.

"Does she even know you exist? How often do you guys talk?" David continued.

Sabrina, who was manning the tables as the waitress, walked past David with a curious glance. She dropped the dirty tables onto the back counter before walking towards us.

"Is David high or is he just acting more strange than usual?" she asked.

David rolled his eyes. "It's the signs that someone has a crush on someone else. I just read it on a Vogue magazine half an hour ago in the bathroom. I basically learned that Vogue is the girl version of porn."

Sabrina rolled her eyes.

"I don't have a comment for that. I'm going to focus on the fact that Nathaniel already has a crush on someone," Sabrina said, eyeing my curiously.

"Basically yes," David confirmed.

"That's not true,"I immediately denied. I felt my cheeks getting hot, and attempting to talk away before David yanked my uniform, pulling me back.

"What is her name?" Sabrina asked, clapping with excitement. "Do we know her?"

David turned to Sabrina. "Her name is none of your business."

"I don't have a crush on her, David."

"I know it's Elise, asshole. I was just testing you. She's my best friend, of course she was going to mention Nate. I was just testing you."

My gaze fell on Sabrina, completely forgetting until now that they were close. Questions immediately popped into my mind. My hands got clammy at the thought of them talking about me. Elise was quiet, not necessarily sharing a lot about me.

"She said something about me?" I couldn't help but asking Sabrina.

Sabrina gave me a mischievous smile. She shrugged casually, grinning at the fact she was not going to share anything. "Just the fact y'all are hanging out. Nothin' too special."

I turned to David. "See? Not a date."

David rolled his eyes.

"You so like her."

"I wouldn't make a mess of it though," Sabrina warned.

And what the hell is that suppose to mean?

My mouth clamped shut, forcing my mind to stop thinking about Elise so goddamn much.

"Why? Should I be worried?" I asked.

Sabrina shrugged her mischievous smile never leaving her face.

"Don't worry. Like you said, it's not a date."

That was the only response she gave before she grabbed her notepad and started taking more orders.