Chapter 12

The pain is the same
Nothing's changed
I closed my eyes and she was gone

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"WHAT SONG ARE YOU PLAYING?"

My fingers paused on the guitar strings, and my eyes looked up to Elise's inquisitive face.

"What?"

She gestured to the guitar with a color pencil.

"You have been playing the same song for the past few days. What is it?" she asked curiously.

I blinked.

I didn't even think she noticed.

"Do you know Selena Quintanilla?" I asked. Elise shook her head no."She was a very famous Spanish singer back in the day."

I did not expect her to know her, but I was surprised that she was listening intently like she cared. I kept my smile in check, mostly because I shouldn't be feeling so giddy that she cared. It shouldn't be a big deal. It wasn't a big deal.

Talking about Mexican stuff to non-Mexican people always make me uneasy, mostly because I couldn't tell if they actually cared what I said.

But she looked like she did.

"Oh. I maybe I should listen to her then," she commented, flashing a quick smile before turning down to her art. She peered up to face me and just seeing her eyes again made me smile like an idiot. I learned back against the tree and continued the tune on the guitar.

I wondered about her and Jackson again, like I had in the recent days.

I was conflicted by how much I cared. Jackson was nice, but he just seemed...there. I was curious if she found me attractive. I was almost positive from the drawing and the admission but I was not positive what she thinks about me.

Was she indifferent about me like she was to Jackson?

Thinking about Jackson's comments made me grimace. I knew it's not right to ask her since we only knew each other for a week or so, but I couldn't stop thinking about the idea of them together.

"Are you going to the party tonight?" I asked her.

"What party?"

I shrugged.  "Your sister  invited me for a party tonight. I don't know anyone though, so you should come."

I watched her eyes widen, her pencil grip tightly at the pencil.

"You know Angela?" she asked with hesitation.

Angela texted me the information for the party tonight, and there was a part of me that did not want to go. Nothing changed, but as the time began to come closer, I felt suddenly exhausted to go. The frustration only grew because it was before everything went to shit, I would've gone out without any hesitation; I didn't know why I can be...normal.

I nodded.

"Yeah she introduced herself to me when I moved in," I mentioned casually, feeling relieved to have told Elise. "But we aren't really close or anything. She probably thinks I'm bored."

She nodded, her eyes narrowing slightly in thought.

"I think I know what party you're talking about," Elise finally said. "It's not my type of party."

"What's your type of party then?" I asked her, suddenly becoming disappointed that she probably wasn't coming.

She shrugged, making some light drawing marks on her sketchbook. "I don't know how to say it in words."

"What do you do to pass time instead then? Drawing?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's mostly art. I love painting and drawing mostly freely. That's all I want to do with my time. Just have a studio and paint," she said, smiling at the picture down at her. The sketch on her lap was in progress. She spent most of the time outlining in pencil of an eye before using pastels to color it in. It was abstract, eye was different shades of blue with streaks of different colors that looks so abstract that it fitted.

She was talented.

Just like I was with music.

"This is your life, and it's only ending one moment at a time," I quoted. Elise gave me a questioning look. "You never watched Fight Club?"

She shook her head.

"What's that?" she asked.

"The best movie ever. I recommend it," I said, brushing the movie aside. "What else do you do." 

She shrugged, not losing focus. "Nothing else. Friends. Normal stuff."

I grinned. "And daydreaming how attractive I am also, don't forget about that."

Her pencil paused on the paper. She peered up again and rolled her eyes. "You're not funny."

"I'm hilarious."

She shook her head. "Definitely not."

"I bet I can make you really laugh," I challenged her. She put her pencils down, shutting her book, and giving me her full attention."Like a real laugh. Not that giggly crap where you cover your hand over your mouth"

She frowned.

"That isn't how I laugh," she immediately denied.

"It is, but don't worry about it. You have a cute laugh-" I insisted, before stopping myself momentarily. Cute? I knew there was something there about her.  It gave me warm feelings I haven't felt since Mom died."I am talking about your real, ugly laugh. The one where you're dying on the floor."

"And you think you can make me laugh like that?" she asked unconvincingly.

Her tone made me say, "Absolutely."

"I don't think so," she snorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

My eyebrows shot up.

"Care for a wager then, princesa?"

Her eyebrows slightly raised, her lips pursed. "What if you win?" she asked me.

"We will watch Fight Club."

Her eyes widened at my words, leaving me feeling unsure.

"Let's say I entertain this idea...what if I win?" she asked.

I shrugged, not able to think of any other idea for her. She thought about it for a moment before nodding her head.

"Deal. Do your worst."

Feeling suddenly excited, I shot up, placing my guitar on the ground.

"Alright. You need to lie down," I instructed her.

Elise gave me an uncertain look, her smile slightly dimming. She got up, brushing some dirt off her shorts before lying down. I stood over her, looking at her slim legs and looking towards her stomach that was slightly peeking from her t-shirt. I realized that it was the first time I actually noticed her body.

I couldn't breathe.

Part of me subconsciously knew that I found her good looking. There were just moments I didn't think about, but her looking at me and her body in view made me realize how beautiful she was.

"Where did you learn this?" she asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"One time at summer camp." I answered. I crouched down to my knees.

"You mean where boys and girls make out with each other, skinny dip behind the counselors' backs, and other sexy stuff?" she asked.

A joke. She just made a joke.

I shook my head and chuckled her question.

"I went to an all boys came, so sadly no sexy time for me. Sounds like my thirteen year old wet dream though."

I shifted from my position, inching my knees closer to her. When our eyes locked, her smile disappeared. Her body stiffened, and her hands were dripping the grass tightly next to her.

"You okay?" I asked her.

She blinked for a moment before giving a smile again. Her grip on the grass loosened.

"Yeah. Sorry."

I took her hands, which she allowed with little objection. I held them, immediately noticing how soft they are. Her fingers were pale in comparison to my tan skin. Her fingers curled into my own. I ignored the fact they felt great- like they were meant to be there.

Get a hold of yourself.

I planted her hands over the center of her chest. "So hands are on your chest. I am going to push down on your chest gently and while I do that, breathe out with a laugh."

She frowned. "That's not my real laugh."

I held back the urge to smile. She squinted her eye like she's trying to scowl but the expression was too sweet to find intimidating.

"Just shut up and do it. You will see what I mean," I insisted. We made eye contact again. "You ready?"

She nodded. I placed my hands on top of her own, and gently pressed down on her chest. It caved underneath my hand, and Elise gave a fake laugh while breathing out as I instructed. For a brief moment, I thought it was not going to work, but then it did.

Her fake laugh bursted into a real one. Letting her hands go, she brought her head back, laughing. It was like ringing bells. She attempted to cover her mouth like she usually does, but her hand couldn't cover her loud laughing. She looked free, none of her worries or shyness holding her back.

I probably could hear her sweet laughter from my home, echoing through the halls that would cheer someone up. I found myself smiling again, realizing how genuine it was. There was no energy put behind the smile and pretend I was okay.

There were only a few things that could make me smile nowadays.

Her laughter seemed to be one of those things.

When her laughter died down, she turned to me with a tired smile. She still had little aftershocks of laughter, rubbing the tears pooling in her eyes.

She got up, and looked at me. Her hair was a mess with grass bits caught in her strands. Her eyes were filled with mirth while she was still laughing. Her arms were wrapped around her sides, and she cocked her head to look at me.

"I guess a deal is a deal" she said, running her fingers to let the grass pieces fall from her hair.

"Does tomorrow work for you?" I asked.

She nodded quietly after a moment of thought. The frown that appeared on her face made my smile grow bigger.

"Aw don't frown because you lost," I teased.

She rolled her eyes.

"Bless your heart, Yankee."

"Aw so sweet."

"It isn't sweet. It really was not sweet."

"We are at a party so I need you to look less like a stick crawled up your ass and died and more like you want to be here."

I rolled my eyes at David's comment. David's face brightened with glee under the porch light.

"I'm glad to be here. Can't you tell by my smile?" I bit back sarcastically.

"If that is your smile. I don't want to see you when you're not smiling," David muttered to himself, grinning at the fact that I could clearly hear him. "Anyways just enjoy yourself. Don't drink too much, and so on."

"You know I use to party a lot in New York. I can handle myself," I reminded him.

"Good so you know the plan?"

I frowned.

"Have a good time?" I guessed. David shook his head.

"No. Drink, find some nice girls, be each other's wingmen, and get some action."

Wow he really had this planned out. I definitely was not here to hook up with anyone tonight. I had just enough energy to make it to the party let along socialize with someone to get into their pants.

Me in New York, on the other hand, definitely had some wild times.

"Just knock at the door," I insisted.

David leaned over to knock on the door. We stood a few moments, waiting for a few moments. The door suddenly opened, releasing a cool gust of air from inside. A brunette opened the door, her hair tied up into a pony tail, a gray top that run deep to show a decent amount of cleavage, and dark jeans that showed off her body well.

"Hello David," she shouted with excitement before launching herself into David's arm. He laughed, hugging her back.

"Hey Kelsey. Great seeing you. I'm here with my cousin," David explained, pulling back and introducing me to her. She loosened her grip enough to jump to give me a hug. I stumbled back slightly from the hug, wrapping an arm around her.

"Oh my god. Hello it's so nice to meet you," she said loudly with joy. I nodded, detecting the faint scent of alcohol under her breath.

"Likewise."

She pulled back and gestured us inside.

"Come on in. Make yourselves at home," she said.

We followed behind her deeper into the house with its loud music. Though there is music in the background, I learned quickly most of the music was coming from the speakers of the karaoke machine that was occupied with a crowd of people. David was chattering with Kelsey while I followed a few steps behind, apologizing to every person I brushed up against. I felt oddly nervous, though it's far from my first party.

Despite the house being packed, I felt uneasy in the sea of unfamiliar faces.

"Let me know if you guys need anything. I have to help with making drinks so I will talk to you guys later," Kelsey giggled before waving bye to us. David finds a table of different assortment of drinks and food. He pulled two cups of jello and handed them to me before taking two himself.

"To your first party in Alabama," David toasted, holding his red jello in the air. I grimaced at the toast, uncertainly holding the jello as toast before downing the jello shot in one go. When I finished the second one, I heard David gagged.

"Shit that's spiked."

I placed the empty cups in the nearest table with a chuckle.

"I didn't know David had a weak stomach. Should I offer you chocolate milk instead?" a voice said. I turned slightly to Sabrina waving with a smirk.

David glared at her.

"How long did it take for your pea sized brain to come up with that one?" he smirked.

"You make it too easy," she said with a smile.

I know first hand that them bickering could take a while so I just took a slight step forward to say hi to Sabrina.

"How's the party so far?" I asked Sabrina.

She shrugged, pushing her black hair back and looked around.

"White," she muttered, gesturing to all the Caucasian people at the party. "Glad there's more color in the room." Her eyes fell on me and smirked. "City boy here knows what I'm talking about. Latino parties are better than this. Especially New York City."

I nodded with agreement, looking at the party in front of us. There were couple of Black people, but for the most part, Sabrina was right. I didn't realize how different parties would be. Most people were singing karaoke in the living room, playing beer pong in the back, playing drinking games, and socializing.

My friends and I would dance, eat junk food, drink, and just enjoy partying with our community. There were many drunk memories, but that was just a party. When Mom found out I was going, she said that Latinos knew how to party.

My ears were ringing from the loud, drunk singing of a pop song I never heard of.

She might be right.

"Wait, how did you know I use to live in the city?" I asked her, realizing that I never told her where I was from.

"I heard it from a friend," she said.

"David?" I asked, watching him open a beer and taking a heavy swig.

She shook her head.

"No. Elise," she responded, drinking her beer with a smirk on her face.

My head snapped towards her.

"You know Elise?" I asked with sudden interest.

Sabrina frowned at me, her eyes appearing distant. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to follow the arm back to Angela. She was dressed up more than usual. Instead of a normal shirt and shorts, she was wearing a red romper that cut short at her legs and had a deep V shape in the front, showing off her body nicely. Her hair was curled, falling towards her backside.

"Hey," she said, reaching for a hug.

I hugged back.

"Hi Angela."

"Yeah. Hi Angela," David said a little too cooly.

She peered over and gave a friendly wave to David.

"David. It's good to see you. You too Sabrina," she said. Her eyes widened when she saw me and grinned. "You too, I can't believe you came."

"I said I would," I reminded her.

She nodded enthusiastically. I peered behind Angela to see Jackson, a guy, and two girls behind her, looking at me with interest. They were all dressed for the party, definitely putting more effort into getting ready than I did with my jeans and graphic t-shirt.

"Nathaniel," Jackson said with a curt nod.

I nodded back.

"Jackson," I said, the name leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. 

She gestured to her friends. "You know Jackson. Well this is Stacey, Katie and Alex. They are in our grade and I told them about you." They all waved uncertainly, quietly looking at me with interest. Feeling awkward, I waved back. Angela took my hand and pulled me. "Come. I'll give a tour of the house."

She was pulling me by the hand gently, showing me the rooms to Kelsey's home. It seemed fun. At least, all the smiles and laughing I heard through the loud music said that. The music was not loud enough to mute the thoughts running through my mind that made me feel left out.

My focus drifted from Angela's voice and focused on her hand in mine. It was cool to the touch, my hand wanted to twitch away.

It didn't belong there.

I pulled my hand away, looking around thoughtfully at the room. Angela looked up from the movement but did not say anything. Eventually she led me back to the drinks table, and picked up the nearest wine bottle.

"This is Kelsey's house but I'm here all the time basically since we are friends. Have a drink," she insisted.

No need to tell me twice.

I took a beer and opened it.

"Okay. Best thing about being in Alabama so far?" Angela asked, bringing the cup close to her mouth and took a sip.

My mind immediately wandered to Elise.

"The stars. You can't see stars in New York City well but here they are really nice. What do you think is the best part about being in Alabama?"

"The food. I love the barbecues," she answered with no hesitation.

"Makes sense. It's pretty good," I agreed. If my friends and their families heard I said that, they would probably kill me but it was true.

"I know Alabama is different from New York. I can understand if you miss a lot of things from New York," she said with understanding. I felt embarrassed, as if I was naked and she could see right through me. I took a long swig of beer to wash away any of the negative feelings.

"Yeah. We moved here because my Mom died. It's been an adjustment," I admitted, not sure why now was the time to share it.

It was the first time that I said that to someone who wasn't family. I felt shame from talking about it, not because what happened was shameful per se, but more rather the fact that I couldn't stop it from happening.

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" she asked with sympathy. I felt the familiar twisted up feeling in my stomach.

"Inviting me to this party is more than enough. Thank you though," I said, feeling the truth behind my statement.

Angela opened her mouth to say something before I heard a loud woot. An arm wrapped around a neck by a definitely tipsy David.

"Nate. I need to tell you something. Come with me. I did something," David whispered loudly. Feeling his bodyweight on my neck, I crouched away and gave an apologetic look to Angela.

"Knowing David, this might be a bad thing. Go check it out," Angela insisted, gesturing to David. I manage to say a quick goodbye before David managed to dragged me away. Despite being a few inches shorter than me, he has a surprising amount of strength.

"What David?"

"Follow me. I'm trying to rescue you from her," he insisted.

I stopped walking, jerking David a step back.

"Angela was being nice to me," I said, still confused why he's hostile about her.

"We can talk about your crush for you another time. In the mean time, they were looking for people for the Karoke so I said that you would be next."

I swore my heart stopped beating for a moment.

"What?"

I could've thrown up right there.

"It will be fun," David insisted, pulling me into the living room. At the sight of me, people began to cheer. One person clumsily dropped down to select a song.

"I can tell you it won't be. I don't know if I'm ready."

David let go and corralled me towards the karaoke. He took a mic and handed it to me. 

"Relax," he said softly, smiling before I heard loud cheering.

"Come on. Nate! Nate!" Trent appeared out of nowhere, his eyes bloodshot and with the biggest smile I have seen on his face. I couldn't tell if he was high, drunk, or both but his loud demeanor made other people start cheering my name.

I gripped the mic tightly, ignoring the bile that was coming onto my throat. I put my beer down on a random table, scared to spill on the floor with my trembling hands. I looked at the random strangers, staring at me like I was suppose to do something entertaining for them. I didn't know how I did this before.

"Okay," I whispered into the mic.

"I'm going to put Don't Stop Believin'. Know the song?" the random stranger manning the karaoke machine asked me. I nodded silently, watching him set up the song. He took a step back. When the video started to play, people began to cheer.

My eyes focused on the familiar piano tune, trying to focus on my cue and not on the fact that my hands were sweating. I re-gripped the microphone, holding it close to my mouth.

Just sing. Just get it out.

"Just a small town girl. Living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere," I sang. I heard cheers in the background, some just singing along and not even caring about the fact that I was singing. That should've comfort it but it made me frustrated. I knew how I was before. I have performed in larger crowds than this, and I

I heard my voice through the speakers but I felt numb. The only thing that was working was the heart that was pounding painfully against my rib cage. I couldn't focus on the music well and I was detaching myself away from this.

"Just a city boy. Born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train-" I continued to sing.

And then I froze.

I couldn't do it. My hands were trembling so hard. My throat was dry and all I could think about was nothing. My mind was an empty void.

The only thing I could think about was Mom.

"A singer..." I tried to continue before my voice completely died.

My breathing grew heavy. I pulled the microphone away, wanting it as far away as possible. As if it is suddenly burning my hands, I rushed to place the microphone on the table.

I heard some boos and pleas, but I felt numb. I turned to look at others that now were a distant thought. There was nothing by horror and anger in my head. My eyes were suddenly burning and my vision became blurry.

I needed to leave.

By fight-or-flight instincts, I run past the the crowd towards the door. When I walked down the drive way far enough, I placed my hands on my knees, looking at the conrete and focused on breathing again.

I blinked back the tears, focusing on feeling relaxed again.

Stop being like this.

Stop being like this.

Stop being like this.

Stop being.

I wish I could. I wish I could disappear and stop feeling this pathetic.

"Nate. Are you okay?" I heard David call out. I pulled myself up to seeing David run down the drive way, concern etched on his face.

"I'm fine," I managed to whisper without falling apart, though we both knew I was far from fine.

"Nate. I'm sorry-" he began.

"I told you I wasn't ready," I said softly, my voice growing louder with every word. "I told you I wasn't ready at all."

"I know, but.." he said, his voice trailing off. He rubbed the back of his neck before looking away. "I thought it would be fun to try again you know? I'm so sorry though. I won't do it again."

My head nodded, though to be honest, I stopped caring. I knew David meant well, and he was doing the same thing that everyone else was trying to say as well, but I just wanted to leave.

I wanted to disappear.

"It's fine David. I'm just going to go home," I said.

He nodded.

"I'm coming with. I don't want to leave you alone"

I shook my head.

"I can walk back. I need some fresh air," I lied, just wanting to be alone.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. David looked at me for a moment before releasing a sigh.

"Fine. Just text me when you're back home," David said slowly, very clearly not pleased with what I was asking.

I gave a grateful smile.

Even though every part of me wanted to disappear.