Chapter 11

I can't help it
but I knew I went too I went too far
yet came to nowhere

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"I MISS NEW YORK."

I skipped the introductions and went straight to the main conversation. This was not a new admission that my best friends, Javier and Esteban had heard. At this point, this might as well be my new life motto.

It was the little things that reminded me of this throughout the day. First, it was the fact I had few options to do anything here. Second, it was the fact that I was the only Hispanic on my street, and I have been getting weird looks by my white neighbors. Third sign was scrolling through social media and watching my friends from home post pictures together like they already moved on without me.

Just because I know Javier and Esteban don't travel much throughout the country, I brought up every single detail to paint how life here was dramatically different than New York.

"What got you ticking this time?" Javier asked, his light tone sounded amused at my misery.

"It's just empty here," I said, looking at the empty road in front of me. To keep myself busy for today, I decided to explore the area and find new spots to eat. While driving home from work , I kept passing by a small ice cream shop that was on the side of the road. Despite the blistering heat, I ordered an ice cream and seat in the seating nearby that gave a view of the large corn field across the street.

I was balancing my cellphone between my ear and shoulder while eating the double fudge ice cream I bought before it melted.

"I think that's expected though, homie," Esteban mentioned.

"At least there's a girl there," Javier added with a tone that was suggestive. Esteban started to laugh when he realized it was about Elise. I mentioned her once when we were walking home, and ever since, they wanted to hear more about her.

I groaned, regretting the decision to tell them about her.

I brought up David as well or my work and they did not seem interested in that. Even though Esteban have a girlfriend and Javier is focused on working rather than a relationship, they seemed unhealthy focused on my own love life - or the lack of one.

"Chill, compa. We all know that you like the gringa," Javier tried to comfort me, which made me feel worse.

I didn't know if Elise could be simplified to just the gringa. I couldn't even fathom to do that.

She was the girl with blue eyes that could be touched by storm clouds before easily looking as calm as the sea. She was someone who is soft spoken, but her voice can echo in my mind for hours.

I'm overthinking this. They are just joking.

"What happened you saying you only date latinas though?" Esteban mused over the phone.

I took a bite of ice cream, and shook my head, slowly stopping when I remembered that they can't see me.

"I never said that," I objected.

That statement was one I had no recollection of. I just liked...girls. There wasn't specifically a race I preferred and was not a big factor for me when I chose to date.

"Actually you did. After you got drunk the day Emma dumped, you shouted that on the street and-" Javier reminded me before I made him stop.

That was a night I did not try to remember. After getting drunk and passing out in Esteban's home with no memory of the night before, I picked myself up to move on.

Whatever happened that night was not a version of me I want to revisit.

"Moving on from that," I interrupted, resulting in them making noises of amusement at the reminder that I got drunk the day Emma dumped me. I did not remember much about that day but I guess it was more memorable for them. "She said she doesn't date, and I don't think I'm ready to date either. It's a win-win."

That comment caused them to laugh harder .

"¿Qué es tan gracioso?" I asked dryly, trying to figure out what the hell was so funny to them.

"You're so screwed, man. You totally got the hots for her," Javier declared.

"You have to serenade her," Esteban added, making my face burn up. I was grateful they weren't there because I would have pulverized them for those comments, and they knew it.

"Besame. Besame mucho. Como si fuera ésta noche. La última vez," Javier began to sing a classic Spanish love song before Esteban joined. Because they don't sing, their voices together sounded off tune but full of humor.

Though it was a jest to get a rise out of me, I couldn't help but laugh at their loud voices through the phone to the point I had to pull it away from my ears with a smile.

It reminded me of old times. It was the three of us in high school, messing around together and laughing at whatever nonsense was happening. My body ached by how much I missed that.

"I'm just saying, acho. Girls get horny over that," Esteban insisted with passion. Javier made a noise of agreement, though I don't know what qualifies him to give this opinion.

I rolled my eyes. I looked down at my ice cream to see that half of it already melted. I toyed around with the ice cream before deciding to just get a pint of ice cream on the way home.

"I don't really sing anymore though," I reminded them.

They were silent because they were well familiar with this. They watched me unable to conjure up the energy to sing and perform. They were there for me until my last day in New York.

"You're just taking a break," Esteban clarified. "It's not over yet."

"I don't know if I will return," I pointed out, thinking back to playing in the guitar.

"We all know if your Mom was here and saw you wasting your talent, she would beat your ass," Esteban reminded me, a fact that was completely true.

Mom would have thrown a fit if she saw me not singing. It was her who sacrificed her time to make sure I was at my choir events and even hired a private singing instructor in order to maximize my skill. She saw something in me and wanted to make me the best person.

"I don't know," I hesitated, though I knew what Esteban was saying was true.

"You can't leave it forever," Javier said softly.

"He's right, man. You have to go back to it," Esteban urged me.

"I'll keep it in mind," I told them, hoping that it would be enough to drop the topic . Our of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar figure walking up to me. I turned back towards my phone and said, "I have to go you guys. I will talk to you later."

I hung up the phone, and whipped my body around to Angela approaching me, one cup of ice cream in one hand and a phone in another. She seemed better adjusted to the weather than me, wearing a white romper that showed off her shoulders. She had big shades that suited her face well, covering her hazel eyes.

"Hey Angela," I greeted her.

She walked up close with an eager smile.

"Hey, Nathaniel. I was just buying ice cream and saw here," she said, gesturing to her ice cream in her hand. Her hand then gestured to the tall guy standing behind her that I did not notice until now.

They almost appeared like a couple. Angela's white romper matched his blue button down and khakis he was wearing. His blonde hair was cropped short and shaved on the sides.

"This is Jackson. He's in our grade. Jackson, this is Nate. He just moved from New York City," Angela introduced me excitedly.

Jackson nodded his head and gave a wave, holding a cone in his hand.

"Shit that's a far move. How has your time in Alabama been?" Jackson asked, his accent heavy but his voice was warm. He overall seemed like a nice dude and easy going.

"It's been alright. Just a little hot," I said, glancing down at my ice cream that officially has melted. My eyes focused on my hands that were now a few shades darker because of the heat.

Jackson laughed.

"That is something you have to get use to. Just wait until you see July," Jackson said with another laugh. I grimaced. 

Thanks for that Jackson.

"Great. Look forward to it," I said dryly.

Angela took another step forward.

"I just came here to let you know there is a party happening a friends place tomorrow. I just wanted to pass the invite along to see if you want to join," Angela offered.

My eyes widened at the party invite. I have not been a party in five months which was a common thing my buddies and I use to do.

The idea of going to a party, brought an interest back in me.

Maybe this might not be too bad.

"Sweet. Anyone I know is coming?" I said, hoping that a familiar face or two might appear.

She shrugged.

"Just people our grade from school. I'm not sure if you know any of them. Bring David as well."

"Ah okay. I will," I said, listening to her words. "Is Elise coming?"

Having Elise there would be interesting as we have spent most of the afternoons just sitting by the tree, her silently drawing and me playing the guitar. We do stop at times to chat but for the most part, it was working on our craft in each other's silence.

Angela froze for a moment, her mouth slightly opening like I asked a question. Jackson's eyes fell on Angela, and I remembered that David said that they don't get along.

You're a moron, Nathaniel.

"I don't know. I didn't even know you guys knew each other," Angela said loudly, the tone of her voice held a mixture of shock and something...bitter.

Feeling like not providing anymore information, I shrugged.

"I don't know. I met her the other day," I said randomly, watching Angela process the information. She nodded slowly, any surprise dropped from her face. Sensing her satisfaction with my answer, I also returned a smile.

Maybe David was right.

"I didn't know you guys were friends," she repeated, hiding any other she might felt before. "It threw me off guard."

"She's got you reeled in bro," Jackson said before laughing to himself.

I frowned.

"Reeled in?" I echoed, thinking back to Elise. There was no way she would reel someone in. She doesn't have to reel. That would mean she throws something out there and you are caught and brings you in like a captive.

"Trust me man. She's nice, but such a tease," Jackson said, his face growing with discontent. "I swear dude between you and me, she came over to my place the other night and we didn't even-"

"I don't want to hear your failed hook up attempt to get with my stepsister," Angela interrupted, her nose wrinkling with disgust. I was grateful as well that Angela stopped that conversation because the idea of Elise "smashing" this dude made me sick to my stomach.

A few days ago, we walked home together in the dark. She said she was with a friend.

Did she and Jackson hook up?

I stiffened.

Why am I getting bothered? We aren't dating, and she can do whatever we want. As much as I am free to do what I want, so does she.

Then why does the fact she said she didn't feel a thing for Jackson brought a smile to my face?

"Anyways," Angela said, breaking my train of thought. "I'm not sure if she is coming, but I think you should come. Bring David too. It will be fun."

I took a deep breath, fighting every instinct to say no. Part of me wants to stay home, but I'm tired of feeling the way I do. It feels like an illness, ravaging my body and leaving it for dead. How badly I wanted the world to stop moving for a minute so I can catch up on everything, because I feel so far behind.

Maybe meeting new people will be the step in the right direction.

"I'll be there."