Chapter 8

"Time moves so slowly
And the highs never made me so much weaker
So why does it feel like freedom?"

- Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

CHURCH WAS TODAY'S TRIGGER.

It is always something new. Something so trivial that a normal person would not even focus on was the source of my inability to function for the day. Yesterday, it was finding the fridge empty because Mom usually was the one who stocked it. The day before, it was hearing a song that Mom use to dance to in the kitchen.

Today, it was Abuela inviting me to do to church with her, a tradition she did every Sunday regardless of where she lived. Mom was the one who would make my family go. I was sitting with my family, silently listening to the words the Pastor said. His words ringing about family and love, and right away, I felt my breaths becoming sharper. My heart felt like a restless beast breaking out of my chest.

Then the images of Mom appeared in my mind.

Once again, I was not able to fall asleep at night.

So I did the thing every time I laid at bed late at night: I put on my shoes and went for a run.

There was something about running in the night. Especially in Alabama, it was so quiet outside, in the dead of night. But it was so loud up in my head, matching the darkness of the night and forgetting what it felt like to have light inside.

"¡Mierda!"

Yelling in Spanish was the first sound I made after thirty-minutes of running in silence. My body collapsed into the ground after colliding by a large object. My hands stuck out in attempt to hold myself up. I hissed slightly the pain from gravel biting into my palms.

I pulled myself up, feeling suddenly lightheaded.

I heard a soft groan in the distance.

"Are you okay?" I asked, turning to look at the figure on the ground.

The person was a girl was on her knees, breathing heavily. Though dark, I could faintly make out her hands clutched tightly to her chest. She took a few shaky before she looked up at me.

"Elise?" I asked with shock.

"Yankee?" she wheezed, looking down at the ground with every gasp she shook. "Who even runs this late in the night?"

I went down on my knees, my hands landing on her slender shoulders. Elise flinched from my touch, but I gripped them tighter. Her head was hung low, her heaves becoming louder and more urgent. Her usually scent was masked by the smell of alcohol.

"I could ask you the same."

I listened to her inhale and exhale first a little shaky before it began to slow down. Every breath becoming more even. She lifted her face and her blue eyes were now rimmed red, never once wavering from my own.

"Are you okay, princesa?" I whispered, almost afraid the question will make her break.

She nodded.

"Yeah, Yankee. You just took me a little off guard."

My lips tingled from her breath on my face. An unfamiliar sensation rushed through my body and forced me to jerk back. I let go her and pulled myself up before sticking out my hand for her. She reached for my hand slowly, wrapping her fingers around my own. I ignored her soft fingers that only radiated in warmth when she pulled herself up.

"Thanks for helping me up," she said, holding her chest and breathing deeply. Her hair was tussled from the fall. Her body still seemed stiff like it was set in stone.

She started to walk a head. My feet followed her silently, taking tentative steps to match her pace.

"Sorry for bumping into you," I apologized, breaking the silence.

"I didn't expect to bump into anyone here this early in the morning," she commented.

I rubbed the back of my neck. "I couldn't sleep. Thought a run would tire me out," I confessed.

I rubbed my 5 o'clock shadow, feeling the exhaustion settle into my eyes. Despite my daily runs, the struggle of sleeping was settling into my joints and my eyes. My brain still felt active, regardless of the exhaustion that ached in my shoulders.

"Sleep doesn't come easy for you," she said. Her voice said it like it was a statement rather than a question.

You look weak to the bones.

I laughed awkwardly, "Not very well, I guess."

A beat passed, and the only thing I could hear besides the crickets in the night was her soft sighs that made my body warm.

"I can't sleep either. Was hanging with a friend," she finally said, kicking a rock that was in front of her and watching it roll a few feet away before she repeated the same step. Her friendly demeanor wore down and she stopped making any eye contact with me. "Have you always struggled to sleep?"

My feet slowed down.

"No. Only recently."

It started the day Mom died.

"When did you move here?"

"Two weeks ago. Honestly...I am not keeping count anymore," I answered, realizing how little time has passed. It felt like I was wallowing here for eons. I looked up at the black sky that was staring at the vastness of stars above me, teasing me with their company and being yet so far away.

"How did the rest of your family handle the move?" she asked.

I looked down. "My father seems okay. He grew up here, so he didn't need to assimilate that much."

My words left a bad aftertaste in my mouth by the fact that I did not know how he was doing. Not that I had the opportunity to talk to him since he's always working late and never really in the house. When he was, he usually was doing independent work or already asleep from exhaustion. "Have you lived in Alabama all this time?"

Elise nodded, giving an abrupt laughter.

"Yep. All my life. Born here. Raised here. Probably going to die here," she muttered.

"You don't sound excited about that prospect of being here forever," I observed with mild amusement.

She shrugged, shoving her hands into her jean shorts.

"It is what it is," she responded slowly, her eyes looking off onto the dusty road. "I would love to get out of here. Anywhere but here. New York City was on my bucket list for sure."

Hearing that made my mouth turn up.

"You should go. It's the best," I agreed. "The people there are one of a kind."

"I can tell," she slipped before her cheeks turned slightly pink like she slipped out a secret.

The ends of my mouth turned up. I turned to look at her, but her eyes were only focused upwards. My eyes returned up to the sky again with her. There was something about the night sky here that I can't stop looking at.

"The stars are so clear here. This is something you would never see in New York. I don't know why I enjoy looking at the stars so much," I observed, watching the fairy lights. Like many nights here, I would look at the stars from my bed but this time, it was with her. "Someone told me that stars are like souls because the soul is pure and shines bright."

Elise didn't respond right away. After what felt like long minutes, she sighed.

"Can I be honest with you?" she asked.

"That's all I ever want you to be."

I turned to look at her.

She absentmindedly rubbed her arm. "I don't want to give you the wrong idea," she answered slowly.

I raised an eyebrow. "What idea was is that?"

She waved her hands with a definitive look on her face. "You know..."

"You don't have to skitter around it.." I told her, staring intensely at her.

She resumed her walking pace, letting out a loud breath before responding, "You flirt and attractive and...say these things. You're intense. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea. I-I- can't date."

I blinked at her words, processing what she said.

"Dating isn't something I am into right now. I have dated enough, but I'm flattered you think I'm cute," I finally commented, adding a lighter tone to the conversation.

Her cheeks turned red. "You sound like a womanizer."

"You wish."

She made a noise of disgust at my comment, and I laughed.

"Can I ask you something then?" she asked. I nodded. A few moments passed, and I thought she didn't see my nod because it was dark outside. But before I could say something, she asked, "Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?"

I had no idea where Elise was going with this, but at least she was better than earlier barely breathing on the ground.

I thought back to the only two girlfriends I only had. First was Alyssa Martinez, a family friend I have known for my whole life. We dated exclusively for a couple of months before calling it quits when we realized we had a brother-sister relationship than romantic.

It was my second girlfriend, Emma Walker, that was something else. I use think about her before Mom's cancer diagnosis after everything that happened to her.

I shook my head at my thoughts of Emma.

She wronged you. Let her go.

Then came the meaningless flings that I had during Mom's cancer, but that was something I didn't want to bring up. It was not a bright moment in my life worth saying. I couldn't explain to Elise that I was looking for any connection since Mom's cancer or the loneliness I felt wondering around.

"Yes. Why are you asking?"

"No. Just when you kiss someone... it's supposed to be good, right? How do you feel when you kiss someone?" she asked curiously.

Now I definitely had no idea where she was going with this. But I managed to push any apprehension aside

I frowned at her peculiar question, and thought about it. I wasn't sure how to describe it. Something about lips on lips was warm and inviting. Something fill inside you that couldn't be explained in words.

"Can I be honest?"

"That's all I ever want you to be," she mimicked my words.

"It...It makes me really turned on," I answered, feeling unsure what to say.

I heard her suck her breath. However, she quickly recovered. "That was my problem. I don't feel anything when I kiss them. I know you are suppose to get that warm, tingly feeling like you have butterflies in your stomach. I just don't. I don't feel anything," Elise explained like she was ashamed.

I was not expecting that answer. I was not sure how much I liked her response either.

"Maybe you're not with the right person. There needs to be the right chemistry," I suggested a reason, unsure what to make from her comment. She looked at me, tilting her head at what I said. We looked each other for a few more seconds before she clutched her hands behind her back. "It is pretty intoxicating when the chemistry is there."

She had an uncertain look on her face. "That could be it."

I nodded, listening to her words in a silent agreement.

We did not say anything for the rest of the short walk back. It wasn't not an uncomfortable silence. Rather, it was oddly peaceful. Her presence made me relax. The sun was setting, and orange hues crossed the skies. The crickets and birds were chirping quickly, and less people were outside now.

We we arrived to hour homes, Elise turned around towards me with a grateful smile.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"What for?"

"Just being you." I smiled.

She stood there, in front of me, head tilted to side like she was trying to look past the flesh and bones- right inside to the heart of me.

It made me uneasy.

Exposed.

"I could say the same for you. I should get home. It's getting late," I said softly. "Have a good night princesa."

I turned around to walk up my driveway. Before I could walk any farther, something made me stop at my tracks.

"Yankee."

I turned around. Elise was still standing on the same spot, watching me.

"Yes?"

"I don't know why you enjoy the stars, but maybe it's for the same reason as I do. In every direction you, there are just stars. It kind of reminds you that no matter which direction you are going, every way is the right the way."

That was what she said before tearing her eyes away and walked down the street.