CHAPTER 1

"I woke up that day,
You were not around.
I thought you will be back soon,
but you never returned."

- Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

RELOCATING HUNDREDS OF MILES away from my friends and family was difficult.

Leaving my mother's grave, however, was a killer.

The sun was spilling through the car window, stinging my tired eyes. The feeling that was present in my chest since I lost her: painful and everlasting.

Rather than fighting this feeling, I greeted it like an old friend. It was thing that was pulling me away from reality. It was the only thing which allowed me to cope with finding my mom's body on the day she died. It was the only reason I could give a speech at her funeral days later without my voice wavering or breaking down. It was the only thing which allowed me to look over her belongings without wanting to throw them far from my line of sight.

The feeling in my chest has been there since Dad's sudden announcement a month ago that we were going to Alabama.

"We can't just leave her behind," I spoke for the first time.

Dad looked over to me briefly before returning his focus back onto the road. Despite his lack of a response, his knuckles whitened, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Since Mom's death, our relationship had diminished to a few words and brief nods. His frown became more obvious, and his breathing became more laborious than mine at the mention of her. 

"She would've wanted this," he finally responded in a resigned voice, rubbing his right eye tiredly.

He had been driving through most of the night. I knew this because like him, I was unable to sleep over the situation. When I had offered to take over, he refused.

Dad was normally a reserved man, but I'd never heard silence quite this loud before.

Besides, this was the first time since leaving New York we had a conversation.

His brief response was ebbing away my ability to remain composed. Feeling tears pricking my eyes, I turned my head away. I studied the countryside, struggling to take few normal breaths and attempting to distract myself.

"I still can't believe Mom is gone," I stated again, still struggling to comprehend the loss of her presence. Saying my Mom died still felt weird on my tongue, even though I had months to mentally prepare for that statement.

Dad nodded faintly.

Cancer did more than kill her. It sucked the life out of her until it left her for dead. It dissolved our family into a series of fights before it all fell into a permanent silence.

The thing no one tells about cancer and death is that the casualties were more than just her.

"I know son. It's hard," he simply responded, his eyes focused on the road.

I frowned at his terse response.

Her life was taken away viciously, and his response was to move far away from everything we knew.He couldn't know what Mom had wanted. They had been fighting daily near the end of her time.

"Why are we going to Alabama of all places?" I huffed with annoyance, even though I knew the answer to my own question.

Make me understand. Explain to me how you could make us leave everything behind was what I wanted to ask him, but I refrained, knowing there was nothing he could say that could make me understand his decision. He did not give much of a reason when he made the announcement, just simply entering my room to say it like he was talking about the weather before silently slipping away.

"We just need to have a change in scenery. This is where your mother and I grew up. Your mother's family is fifteen minutes away across town. Even David lives only a couple of minutes away from our new home. Wouldn't it be fun to see him?" Dad weakly justified, pulling back a fake smile if I ever saw one.

I glared at him. 

The last time I have seen my cousin David was when I was four, and the thought of a cousin who I have not seen in almost fourteen years only conjured up faint memories of us playing at my Abeula's house. 

I haven't spoken to him since. 

He might as well be a stranger.

At this moment, my life was living in New York City. I was already yearning for the bright lights, tall buildings, and the honking cars that were trying to weave through traffic. I coveted the familiarity: walking down out of my apartment complex to the nearest bagel shop and chat with the owner I have known my whole life. Being able to take a train to Central Park and sit on the grass, watching the people go by. Hanging out with my friends by playing basketball in the courtyard that was down the block. 

Those were my roots. My family. My entire life. 

Would I even survive here?

"I don't know," I answered uncertainly, answering both of our questions.

"I know it will be different, Nate, but you just need to adjust. I have a better job in Alabama. And besides, you should give Alabama a chance. Things are more affordable here. You know how expensive New York City got for us at times, and you used to beg to come here when you were a kid. I think you will be just fine," he decided for me- too optimistically for my liking.

I gritted my teeth together.

"Times were different then, Dad," I muttered.

"How?" he asked.

Anger flared up in my stomach, because he knew the answer.

"They just were, Dad."

I reclined my seat back, watching the dust in front of my window at the empty landscape. I took another deep breath before my emotions welled up again. Finished with this conversation, I shut my eyes tightly, trying to think about happy thoughts, ignoring the dread building in my stomach. The longer I closed my eyes, I felt my mind wander in it's on darkness, away from the current reality it was in.

Despite the fatigue that I was feeling, I didn't like closing my eyes.

When I did, my mind created the scene for me. They said you would only see your mother's lifeless body once. You would only have to watch your family break down once, and you would only have to go through her funeral once.

But I kept living it over and over again every time I closed my eyes.

"Nate. We are here."

My eyes snapped open at my father's prodding tone. I rubbed my eyes, feeling disoriented from the sudden change before scanning the environment. A small blue house was in my front view. It seemed like an average two story home to me, nothing particularly special about it. I quickly left the car, instantly greeted with humid heat. Immediately, my shirt and jeans began to heat up and become damp with sweat.

"You will love Alabama," my father said, looking at the house with interest. "I promise."

I walked slowly up the driveway, feeling the same dread from earlier. I closed my eyes and thought about my mother again.

Her smile and her laughter.

"Nathaniel? Are you okay?"

The tears came into my eyes.

Her terrible jokes.

My chest ached.

I turned to look at my concerned father, and I shook my head. I couldn't right now.

Rather than go inside, I turned around and sprinted, running for as long as my legs could carry me. I listened to the steps each foot took as I ran down the road, focusing on that rather than the image of my mother's body in her casket. I didn't know where I was going nor did I care. Anywhere was better than my new home, but I couldn't call it home; it was just a house.

A plain, boring empty house.

I was breathing hard, trying to relax myself, but I only allowed my breaths to get harder and faster.

My chest began to scream from pain and pressure, but I ignored it.

It was too much.

Her death was just too much.

After a long time, I fell to my knees uncontrollably sobbing for the things I once had and lost, for the life I had now, and for the life I did not want.

I thought about my father's promise of loving it here.

It bothered me.

He didn't know the future, and I, for one, refuse to promise anything to anyone anymore.

Author's Note: Hello! This is a story I made up when I was 15 and I am rewriting it! Please do share your thoughts! The first two and a half chapters will just be to set up the story and the characters. It might be a bit slow but it will definitely start picking up by Chapter 3!!!

Dedicated this to faithavelina ! Also dedicating this to  for her awesome book In Your Own Words. Give it some love because I am totally enjoying it!