Tyson POV

"What's the worst part of it all?" I ask Tiana after she's woken. We're in the living room, watching a TV show we both don't care about. She looks tired and out of it and it makes me want to talk so I don't have to think about it.

"Worst part of what?" she asks, face still turned to the TV.

"Everything."

She sigh, still not looking away. "It's living 9 years of your life in a trance. It's all this shit happening to you and you don't acknowledge any of it because. Tyson, you remember your childhood, don't you? At least some of it? I don't. I get sudden... flashes and then nothing. In theory, I know they're there. The memories I mean. I can feel that I had some childhood. But I can't see it. I write and I write and I write to figure myself out but all I do if make up fancy words to describe nothing. Nothing. It's all these memories that haunt you but you can't remember any of them. But they still control you. Because, maybe you don't remember a lot of it, but you can feel what you felt then. And those feeling are dangerous. Painful. I don't remember a lot of it, but they suddenly jump me and I remember them a little too intensely and I can't control my emotions for a while after that and then it's all numb."

"Tiana," I say, then hesitate. "Tiana, I think you forget that I spent a part of my childhood homeless and in a bad household. Why do you think I try so hard to control a lot of things around me? Why do you think I have such a huge fucking hero complex that no one appreciates? It's... it was horrible too. Living like that when I didn't even know yet if I liked cars or superheroes 'cause they were both cool. When I didn't even know I had permission to like two things I was forced to know which shops are kind enough to feed a little kid with no one around to protect him and which shops don't give a shit. I don't remember a lot from that time because I don't want to. But I know what I felt. Fear and fear and more fear. I..."

What was the point of this? I ask myself, trying to get myself out of those memories. Why the fuck did I start talking about this?

"Tyson? Tyson!"

"Hm? Yeah?" I feels like sounds are coming through a filter. Maybe water. I don't know. I was just a little kid. A little kid filled with curiosity looking at my parents so they can tell me who to be. They thought me to be a joke and then when the Bents took me in I was thought to be a stereotype I don't even like.

"Tyson please."

Shit shit. I'm making this about me. Am I selfish?

"Tyson!"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

I don't know, am I?

"I'm fine, princess. Just a little lost."

I am so appalled by myself. Who am I supposed to be? I don't have parents to tell me who to be. I don't know who I am. Father thought me to be stereotypical. Is that what I should be? No. No I don't want to be stereotypical. Who do I become when no ones there to watch me? No one. I'm no Prince Charming. I'm not the perfect son. The perfect friend. Did I really focus on everyone around me to distract myself from me? I don't know. I don't know.

"Tyson!"

I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know what to do and I can't help it. I can't help if I'm like this. I was never taught to be anything else. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry. Who am I? Tyson Bent? No. I'm not that. I'm not anyone. I don't have a name. I don't know what to be anymore.

"Tyson please please come back."

"I'm right here, babe. I never left."

It's the stress. It's the guilt. It's my fault isn't it? It's my fault she ended up in that fucking hospital. Oh god it's my fault. My parents didn't even want me. I forced myself to forget their names because I don't want to be related to them. I don't know what they looked like until they came back from the past. I tried, okay. I tried pushing it to the back of my brain. I tried I tried but why the fuck would they want to meet me after this? I'm a pawn to everyone. Pawns don't deserve to have personalities. Im nothing.

"TYSON!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, OKAY? Everyone keeps expecting me to be on my best. The perfect son, the perfect friend. Everyone keeps blaming me for everything like I'm not supposed to have flaws and I'm tired. I'm not the perfect ANYTHING. God, I fucking hate that word. I need.. I don't know I need..."

Oh shit my breathing. What's happening? It's increasing oh shit. My chest is tight. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe. I can't see anything why can't I see anything? Oh shit I'm dying. Is that ok? Is that something I want? No! No it's not. Fuck.

"Tyson. Tyson listen to me. Breathe with me. Come on breathe in," Tiana says, then breathes in. But I can't. I can't do it my lungs have turned to stone. But I'm trying.

I'm trying. Please believe me. I'm trying to be everything you want me to be.

"Out," she says, breathing out slowly. I'm trying I'm trying but I can't do it. This just makes my breathing worse. My hands and legs are tingling. Were they supposed to be tingling?

"Tyson! Tyson listen. Listen to me. I don't think I ever told you how much you've helped me. Please listen to me. I don't know where I would be without you. That's not true. I know where I would be. I would be dead."

My breathing increases rapidly.

My fault? That's my fault. I wasn't enough. Wasn't perfect enough.

"No Tyson listen please please. You're everything. It's not your fault, Tyson. It never was. I came to you when I needed something something good because I thought it would be fake. When it turned too real I couldn't handle it. It's not your fault. It's not your fault you care... you care about me. It's not. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't realise just how much you've been going through yourself. Meeting your parents, your past. Finding out you didn't have the family you thought you did. I'm sorry."

No no no I'm being selfish. She shouldn't worry about me. She shouldn't. I'm supposed to be worrying about her. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to protect her.

"Not..." I cant breathe. "Not your fault. Don't... blame.."

"Tyson. Tyson please. You're allowed to feel bad."

No. No I can't. I have to be to everyone what I needed when I was a kid. I have to.

"Tyson, please. I'm sorry."

My heads feeling faint. Like I have a ball made of steel banging around in there. I focus on Tiana's voice.

"Tyson, do you want me to ask you a question?"

Question? Questions are nice. I nod.

"What's your favourite pastime?"

She sounds scared. I'm so sorry.

She asked a question.

"Um.. I don't... don't know. Maybe boxing? I.. um I don't know Tiana. I don't -" I breathe in heavily. I can't do this -"I don't know who... who I am."

"Then you can figure it out. You can figure it out Tyson. You can."

She sounds so desperate. I'm doing that. It's my fault. It's mine and mine alone. All my fault.

Don't be stupid. She doesn't care about you enough to feel desperate about you.

What do I DO?!

Clutching my head, I focus on my breathing. I want to get better. I will get better.

In. Out. In. Out.

Slowly, I feel my senses coming back to me. My breathing becomes lighter and a tingling, buzzing feeling spreads through my limbs. I don't think I'm strong enough to get up yet.

"I'm sorry," Tiana tells me, soft and quiet.

"For what?"

"For not noticing."

"I never wanted you to. It's fine. And you did, remember? That was enough."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks and she sounds like she's about to cry. I don't want her to. I don't want to be the reason she cries.

"You've had enough and more on your plate. I didn't want to add to it," I say. Why do I feel like this?

"And you don't?! And somehow it's was okay for you to help me with my problems and I can't help you with yours?!"

She's mad at me. Mad because I wanted to make my problems my own and no one else's.

"I just... have a different way of dealing with my problems," I say. Something in my voice has changed. It feels defeated.

Tiana sighs. "You know you can trust me, right?"

"I know. But I can handle it on my own."

"You don't have to."

"I know. But I want to. I just... I don't know. I have an image in my head of who I am but that's not me and I don't know what's happening because it's all happening at once and I just needed some time to myself to process that."

I don't know where all these words are coming from, but I'm glad they're out there. It feels nice, I guess, to talk to people.

"Is there any way I can help you?" Tiana asks and I give her a small smile.

"I always thought of myself as a support pillar. I had to stand straight so everyone else can too. I guess... it's okay to get some help sometimes. Have my own support pillar."

"I'm happy," Tiana says, "That you're finally realising that. I'm sorry I was so upset. I just want you to have the same support I do."

I smile at that. "I'm glad you realise you have support. It's all I've wanted you to realise for a while now."

I look at her for a minute and, for some reason, I'm transfixed. She's smiling this small smile that looks so soft it makes my heart beat. She's not looking me, instead looking at the ground, but I still feel like that smile is meant for me, and only me, to see. I can't look away and I don't want to either

"I only realised it now but... yeah. I'm... glad. I only realised you care about me now. Only realised how many people I have in my life now. Even if you all leave, I know I'll have the strength to move on. It's thanks to you all. And I wanted you to realise you have that too."

"I'm glad," I tell her, because I am. I'm glad.

"I still wish my mother was here. I... I miss her so so much." Her voice catches on the last word and it makes me ache to see her happier.

"You'll see her soon. I know you will. She'll be with you soon."

"Yeah. Yeah she will."

We sit in silence for a while as I feel some strength come back into my legs. It's feels so silent and peaceful and the tv is still working and my heart is content. I love this atmosphere.

"Do you get those a lot?" she asks me and I shrug.

"I used to. It got better for a while. I guess the shock of everything going on. You in the... yeah and seeing my parents. It was just a lot."

"I'm sorry."

"You never have to be."

She reaches out then, slowly and tentatively, and gently holds on to my hand. Her touch is soft and her fingers are cold but somehow they still warm my palm. She doesn't look at me and I don't look at her but everything feels beautiful and maybe it is.

I won't lie, I am slightly turned on but I'm a teenager and my hormones are dumb and so I just ignore it. Then I remember something.

"Hey, you've never met Jared, right?" I ask her and when she looks at me her cheeks are tinged slightly red.

"No, I haven't."

"Would you?"

"Would I what?" she asks me a little cheekily and I roll my eyes.

"Would you like to meet him, dumbass?"

"I mean... would he like me?" she asks and she looks so worried that I laugh.

"Don't worry about that. Jared likes everybody, even if he doesn't say it. I'm pretty sure he's going through his emo phase right now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure a little boy will like you. It's just my brother. Don't worry."

"Alright," she says hesitantly, "I would like to meet him."

"Tomorrow?" I ask and she nods.

"Tomorrow."

"Maybe-"

"If a "Fault In Our Stars" reference comes out of your mouth then so help me!"

"-tomorrow will be our always," I finish like she never interrupted me. I'm sure I'm giving her an annoying smirk but that's the charm, ain't it?

"God, you're so annoying."

"Yeah, but I'm adorably annoying so there's not much you can do about it," I say and she sighs.

"I'm not sure "adorable" is the right word to use but okay."

"I didn't use "adorable" I used "adorably" so you're right, in a sense."

"Fucking hell, Tyson," she says and I laugh. For some reason I can't stop laughing and, after a moment, she joins me too. She's laughing like a pig but that laugh can light up a room. It's beautiful. It feels nice.

Laughing with her, talking to her, watching a random tv show no one cares about with her, holding hands with her, opening up to her, being with her. It's nice.

This feels nice.
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Hi, so I've seen some people giving Tyson shit and there is a REASON he is that way so please understand. Men have feelings too. Men care too. Respect for anyone who deserves it. (Shitty men can rot in a shitty hole tho idgaf. God, I hate shitty men).

Also I'm sorry for being so inactive now a days. Usually when I see a comment I'm concerned about I pm that person. But I just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. My mental health just... isn't right I guess. Whatever. Lots of thoughts and emotions and none of them make sense and I'm trying to better it but really the world is not letting me. I just need to find a new angle or something idk.

Also, I just want to say how HAPPY I am to see to see you guys forming friendships and supporting each other and just being so positive in my comments. They're all so nice and each time I see something nice I just feel so happy!!

Also I didn't proof read it so if there are any mistakes lemme know!! Again (as is tradition lol) this probs isn't my best work because head bad writing bad. I just wanted to get this out cuz I've seen people shitting on Tyson when the dude's just tryna help. He's allowed to make mistakes too y'all he ain't perfect.

Can u see I'm not in the right mood???? Can u see it????

(Small reminder that you are all lovely and worthy and valid and amazing and deserve love. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

Another small reminder to please not use ur trauma or minority status to excuse ur bad behaviour. That's all on you hunny

Another small reminder that you are never alone. There's always a hundred different paths for you to take and discover and explore. Always a hundred different people to meet. Always a hundred different people you can love. You just have to take the first step. (I know I know so cliche but I believe it))

Love you all!!♥️♥️♥️ *hugs*

Vote and comment!!
*waves*
bye:)