Tyson POV

I don't know what I was supposed to feel watching the adoption papers get signed, but I know it's not this. It shouldn't be heaviness and it shouldn't be longing and it shouldn't be confusion. Of course I'm happy, overwhelmingly so, and so relieved. But I'm also curious in a way I wish I wasn't. I don't want to know what my biological parents are like now. But I do, and the want is something I need to forget.

The ride back home is spent in silence, the both of them looking at me and then looking away like they think I'm one second away from screaming. Maybe I am, I don't know. But that's the problem, isn't it? I really don't know.

"I'm going to Amanda and Tiana's house," I tell my mom and my brother when I get home and my mom holds a hand out to me like she thinks I'll leave while my brother looks up at me like I betrayed him but it's too much so I leave as soon as the words are out of my mouth. They'll understand, I hope. I hope.

I take the motorcycle because I don't know, I just want to and the drive is spent hoping my hands won't shake and the potholes aren't that deep. When I reach their house I look up at it hoping it'll give me the relief I need.

Walking into the house, I know something's happening. It's too quiet. My heart's beating but there's no reason so I tell myself not to be a pussy and I walk up the stairs and into Amanda's room where I see her lounging on the bed with her phone. She looks troubled.

"What is it?" I ask and she looks up at me in surprise.

"The usual," she says, sighing. "Except different."

"What?"

She sighs. "The police informed her that they're pursuing a case against her "dad" or whatever. They want her to come in and talk but she refused. She hasn't even moved since. Hasn't eaten. Hasn't drank anything. I'm worried."

"When did this start?" I say. For some reason, I'm angry. I was always there for her. Why isn't she there for me when I need her to be? But I'm also worried and I know my anger is irrelevant so I shut up.

Amanda sighs. "Yesterday. You both left at 5:30, right? Well the police phoned up at somewhere around 6. And then, she had a flashback, which..."

Amanda shudders and my eyes widen. "What happened?"

"Well, she tried to hit me with her phone, which she did. I have a solid bruise now," she says, lifting her shirt to show a bruise forming on her stomach. It's blue and black and purple and sad.

"It must've been from her first experiences because she still called him "dad" like she trusted him with everything. And then she didn't. It was horrible. Seeing her like that. After she got out of it was when she stopped moving. I can't....get it out of my mind. How... how scared she was. I'm glad you weren't there to watch it," she says, looking down.

Somehow, I'm jealous again. But I know I shouldn't be. And what Amanda had seen must've really shook her. She looks more scared than I've seen her in a while.

"That must be why her nightmares always scared her so badly," I say and she pulls in a breathe.

"If that's what she sees each time she has a nightmare...."

"It isn't. Not always. But they're always terrifying enough."

She sighs. "Even after she escaped, she's still stuck there. Even if all of it's gone, it's still here. They say that what's in your head is irrelevant. It's all in your head, right? But they don't know how much that could scare someone. Just because it's in your mind doesn't mean it's not real. I'm only learning that now."

She stay in silence for a while, some sort of heavy silence that is filled with pity, before I break it. "How's the bruise?"

"Only hurts when I touch it."

"Well you're gonna have to if you want it to go away faster."

A sigh. This time of annoyance. "Do you want to see Tiana?"

I don't. "Sure."

We both walk across the hallway to the opposite room to see Tiana on floor staring at the wall. I pull in a breathe.

Tiana, she's... not beautiful in a way we're supposed to be. Her bones stick out, she has healing scars on her face and scars on her hands from self harm. I see new cuts and I cringe just looking at them. I had wondered. Her hair is thinner than it has to be, her cheeks too hallow to be normal. She's too pale and she's too thin. And sometimes, when she looks at you, she looks like she's not here. And, sometimes when you stand next to her, it feels like you have the experience of a baby.

She's not beautiful in the ways she's supposed to be but she's beautiful in the ways only she knows how to be beautiful in. I don't know what type of beauty that is yet, but maybe it's the type of beauty that can't be classified.

I go over to her and crouch, just looking at her for a second. She doesn't move. I put my hand on her shoulder. She doesn't move. I move to crouch in front of her before putting my other hand on her shoulder. Nothing. She just stares, blinking when she has to.

"Look," I say, willing her to move. "I just got back from officially being adopted, alright. I need you to congratulate me. I need you to tell me it's okay."

I shake her shoulder a little bit. She doesn't move and my frustration builds. Why can't she come out of it?

"Okay, please? Just help me out here, just help me sort myself out alright? You not moving scares me. It scares me so please just... just move."

Nothing. Why am I so frustrated?

"Look just move okay? Just move. You can't be selfish like this. Do you ever wonder about the people around you? How they'd feel. Fucking move, damn it! It's just one thing I'm asking you to do!"

I shake her shoulders violently while tears collect at my eyes. I know that what I'm doing is stupid but I can't stop. I don't know why but I can't.

"Snap out of it! Look! We're all here for you. We'll try to be anyway. Stop being selfish! I need you to be there. I don't know what to feel about the papers. I don't want you to stop moving. Come back!"

Before I can do anything else hands wrap around me and forcefully pull me back and before I know it Amanda sits on my stomach as I lay on the floor. Before I can say anything she slaps my face as hard as she can.

"Shut up and listen to me. She doesn't owe you any answers. She isn't just some shoulder to cry on. Do you see her? What she's going through? Fucking shut up then. I know you're scared one day you'll lose her like this but she's not yours to lose. You shaking her up isn't going to help. Just let her get out of it on her own. You fucking idiot."

I stare up at her with my eyes wide and she gets off of me, staring down at me with anger and disappointment. "Become better than this," she says, before walking out of the room.

She's right, as always. Why am I always like this?

I sit up in my place at look at Tiana, where she's still staring at the wall. Only thing is her hair is messed up now. That's my fault. I get up and walk towards her before sitting in front of her, facing towards her.

"So, that happened. I hope you don't remember this when you, uh... get up? Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I drove here because I needed you and I'm just angry about this and I'm so worried about you, fuck. Um.. I'm sorry I'm crying when I did the bad thing. My anger was always my weakness. Um... I just hope you'll come back soon? Is that appropriate? I don't know. But that's how I feel so, yeah. I'm sorry I'm always making things about me but sometimes you do that too so it's okay, right? It's okay to want attention, right? It's human."

I lay down and look up at the ceiling. "You know, I miss just talking to you. Like these random humanitarian topics about the philosophy of life. Maybe we can spark up a debate after this, who knows? I miss how blushy you would get. Haven't seen that in a while. I like how you always look at the world like it has more to offer. I like that you try even when you don't have to. And I get mad, sometimes, when you ignore yourself for others, like you're lesser. But sometimes when I'm a jerk and I count on that. I'll learn to stop that. Anyway, Amanda must be getting angsty. I've gotta go."

I get up and I look at her. She hasn't moved. Not even a little.

I walk out the door and close it before sliding down to the floor, leaning my back against the wall. What a long fucking day.

"Are you okay?" Amanda asks, looking down at me with her arms crossed.

"No."

She sits down next to me. "Healing isn't all bright and sunshine, you know? It's hard. This-" she says, gesturing to the door "-this is what healing looks like. It's only when the wound heals that it starts to hurt."

"I know," I say, sighing, "it's just that I wanted her there today, you know."

She looks at me for some time, her gaze piercing, before saying, "Have you considered the option that maybe you're just this attached to her because of your initial experience with her?"

I drop my head into my hands, staring at the floor while saying, "I have, actually. I've also considered a potential "hero complex" as they say and even a sense of superiority. That's kinda why I don't want to, like, make move, as they say. That's not what she needs and I don't think that's what I need either. I'm sure I care for her more as more than just what she's been through. I want to see her happy, even if it's not because of me. But it's not the right time, at all, and I'll probably fuck everything up."

"Good. That's the right thing to do. So, officially momma's boy, huh?" she asks and I give her a small smile.

"Yeah, I guess."

"What're you doing here? Not gonna celebrate?"

"Just... wanted to see Tiana," I say, not wanting to admit it but knowing there's nothing else to say.

"Is that why you got so angry? 'Cause you wanted to see her but you couldn't?"

"Yeah. I know I shouldn't be angry, it's not her fault. But... I don't know. I just... needed her there. Guess you can't always get what you want, huh?"

"Life wouldn't be interesting if everything you wished for fell on your lap," she replies, patting my shoulder before getting up.

"Where are you going?" I ask, looking up at her.

"I'm going to go check my insta account. You are going to go back and celebrate with your family," she says, cracking her knuckles.

I let out a chuckle. "Your wish is my command."

"It wasn't a wish, sweetheart. It was always a command."

I shake my head in fond amusement before getting up. "Thanks."

"No problem," she says, before turning to head back in her room.

"Wait! Are you gonna go to school or staying back to take care of Tiana?" I ask, feeling jittery.

"Well, I was planning on staying back," she says, an eyebrow raised. Tiana would be jealous of that eyebrow raise.

"I'll... uh.. stay back instead? Like, if you want to stay back that's cool too," I say, not knowing why I'm so awkward about it. Awkwardness is charming, right?

Amanda rolls her eyes again. "You can stay, Prince Charming. Just get here before I get out of the house."

"Sure thing," I say, giving her a smile, which makes her roll her eyes again.

"Take care of her," is all she says before walking back into her room.

Now I have to face my family.

The ride back home is spent the same way as the ride away. Only thing is, I don't want to go in. I know I hurt them, pushing them away when they tried to show me they love me. But I was confused and scared and I didn't know how to handle it. I still don't.

I knock on the door, standing in front of it like it's the last place I want to be. It is, but it's also the first. It's my home after all.

The door opens and my mom takes its place, looking at me with all the love I don't think I deserve.

"Hey," I say, trying to keep eye contact.

"Hey. Come in."

"I'm.. uh... I'm sorry... for going away as soon as we reached home," I say, twiddling my thumbs as I look away.

"It's okay," my mom says and I look up in surprise. "I know it must've been confusing for
you. I'm not going to take offence, if that's what you think. I knew you'd come back. I ordered for pizza but you better get some before Jared finishes it."

My eyes widen. "You little twirp! You better not finish it before I get any!"

"What is that?! I can't hear you over the sound of  all the pizza I'm eating!" comes Jared's voice from inside and I smile, so so happy to finally be home.

"Welcome home, son," my mom says as I enter and if a tear slips out of my eyes, no one has to know.

Jared suddenly comes running towards us and looks at me with a pizza box in his hand. He wears a mischievous grin and eyes filled with relief.

"If you want the pizza you have to tell me I'm awesome," he says and I raise and eyebrow.

"No way in hell."

"Then I guess all this pizza is for me," he says, walking away with the pizza box in hand.

"You little shit, come back here! I can lift you with my bare hands!" I scream, running after him. I hear my mother chuckle and, for the first time since all this drama happened, I know I'm home.

~next day~

"Look, just take care of her while I'm gone and don't do anything stupid, alright? I'm counting on you," Amanda says, standing at the doorway and looking like she's already regretting her decision.

I roll my eyes, partly annoyed that she doesn't trust me but also understanding why. But my lovely record of fucking things up, even I don't trust myself. But I want to be the first person she sees when she wakes up and I don't know why. I just do.

"Just be there fo-" Amanda starts but stops abruptly. I look up at her to see her looking behind me. I look behind me to see Tiana looking down at her hands.

"Tiana," I whisper, but it's louder in the room filled with silence.

She looks up at us, her movement slow and unsure, and asks, "Where am I?"

Her voice is rough and croaky, like she hasn't used it in a while.

"You're in the house. The one you live in. With me?" Amanda answers, an unsure arm reaching out.

"Oh," is all Tiana says, before looking down at her hands. She hasn't said much this whole time and I never expected her to. She doesn't move and fear starts to creep into me.

I walk towards her slowly. She doesn't look up at me, just keeps staring at her hands.

"Tiana, are you okay?" I ask her, slowly sitting down. When she looks up at me, there isn't any recognition in her eyes for a second and a dagger of fear pierces me before her eyes light up a little and she nods. She goes back to looking at her hands though.

"I uh... I need to go to school," Amanda says, looking extremely uncertain. Tiana looks up at her.

"Go," she whispers, voice tiny and rough.

"Will you be okay?" Amanda asks. Tiana looks at her for some time while processing the question, hesitates, then nods.

Amanda nods back, plays with the arms of her bag saying, "Take care of yourself."

Tiana stares at her for some more time before nodding again. Amanda hesitates, then leaves and Tiana goes back to staring at the wall.

"Would you like a glass of water?" I ask, since she hasn't had anything to eat or drink this whole time. Tiana looks up at and stares for a while before trying to get up. She falls back down and I hold her hand to steady her. She pulls back weakly and I let go of her.

I don't know why but I'm so scared and tired and I just want her to be okay.

"Yeah," she says, in the end. She looks so defeated, it makes me scared.

I give her a smile. "As you wish, my liege."

The corner of her lips lift at that and I grin, glad to see her almost-smile. It harder, with her. And so every smile feels like an award I never thought I'd get. She has one of those rare smiles that look like she means them.

After getting her a glass of water and making her a plate of scrambled eggs, I walk up to her room. She's sitting on the bed now.

"How're you feeling?" I ask, placing the food in front of her.

"Disoriented."

I give her a smile. I wasn't really expecting another answer.

We sit in silence for a while as she tries to eat, and I only cringe a little as she eats just half the plate. She manages to look a little sheepish as she keeps her plate on the table next to her bed but, for now, it's the least of my worries.

"Are you okay? Do you remember what happened before...?," I ask. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I shouldn't have spoken then. But she just gives me a bitter  smile.

"I do," she replies, sighing. I don't want to pity her, knowing that's exactly what she doesn't need, but there's little else to do with the past keeps following her. Maybe it's not pity though, maybe it's sympathy.

"Are you okay?" I ask again. I just have to make sure she's okay. I don't know why but I have to.

She sighs, looking to the left. "Not really, but I have to be, right?"

"You never have to," I say, but she looks like she disagrees. She's not wrong, but she's not right either. It's hard, taking care of someone who doesn't want help but might need it. It's hard because I can never understand.

She stays quiet for a while, and I look up to see her looking at me. She looks like she has something to say and, hopefully, I look at her like I'd listen. Maybe that's all the invitation she needs, because she starts talking.

"I feel guilty when you guys take care of me. I'm not half as attached to you all as I have to be. I don't know if it's a defence mechanism or not, but I always convince myself that you're all replaceable. I guess I just don't want to have the lower hand. Maybe I've been forced to stay down for so long that I need to be in control of myself. Not let people have power over me. I don't know what it is, but I'm not as attached to you guys as much as I should be," she says before finally looking up at me.

It hurts, definitely, to hear this. To hear that we're not on the same page. But I understand it. I don't know what it's like, but I understand it.

"Oh," I say and she bits her nails.

"I wrote a poem about it, I thought I'd show you," she says and my eyes widen. She's never let me see her poetry before.

She gets up with her thin, bird legs and her skeleton arms and I think that maybe I should've cared more about how much she's eaten. She's digs around in her closet before getting a black book out and sitting in front of me.

"Read it. Not out loud though," she says after taking the right page.

Somehow it feels like an honour to hold this book with her watching me. It feels like she's giving me a part of. herself. Voluntarily, this time. It's a different book from her diary, which I'm glad for. I know I'd get scared if it were the same. I just know it.

I look down while she forces herself to look away. For a second, she looks like she'd rather be anywhere else while she bites her nails and looks anywhere in the room except me. I have half a mind to give her back the book but she calms herself before looking back at me.

and it's only because
i can't miss you
that i want to,
you see, darling
i'm too numb
to miss anything
but my feelings
why?
because i felt too much
and then not enough
because my lips
stayed shut
when my mind
wasn't

(see,
it's my fault
but i don't care
because i'm
n u m b

darling,
i'm harsh
but so is
the truth)

"I wrote it while you were making those scrambled eggs. I don't know, it just felt important to write. I know I'm attached, in a way. But I just can't feel. I just can't feel a lot," she says, and I look down at the book before looking up at her. It makes sense, in a way.

"It's okay," I say, looking at her. She's looking at me like she's waiting for me to leave. I don't know how to, anymore. So I give her a smile in return. She calms down slightly after that.

We sit in silence for a while before I break it again. "Your poem was beautiful."

"Thanks," she says and she looks like she's closing herself off and I don't know what to do so I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"I'm officially adopted," I blurt out. Her eyes widen and she gives me a small smile.

"Thats great. I'm happy for you."

"I am too. But...it just... I don't know I just feel like I would like to know my birth parents," I say. A sort of relief fills me after the words leave my mouth.

"That's okay. They're your blood in the end. You'll love them without knowing or wanting to. It's normal," she says, giving me a small smile. I knew she'd say this, but hearing it brings me the relief I needed.

"Thanks."

"Do you... want a hug?" she asks tentatively and who am I to say no?

She leans forward and puts her arm around me while I do the same. It's kinda awkward, since our legs are crossed, but it's ours and it's perfect. She's cold but soothing and she hugs like she wishes my pain was hers. I bury my face into her hair, pining this moment into my memory.

"You scare me when you leave, you know," I say into get hair. "I'm scared I'll lose you."

"You don't have to be," she says, holding onto me tighter. "I can't promise you won't lose me, we don't know what the future holds. But... maybe we'll find each other again? I don't know."

That's just the way she is. She says the truth even when she doesn't have to.

"Thank you," I say when we pull apart, looking her in the eyes to let her know just how much she means to me. There's a word floating around that I want to blurt out but I know it's not the right time or place. I know it, but it's still a struggle to keep in.

"Anytime," she says, pulling back. She looks worried for a second before asking, "Did you skip school for me?"

"Nah don't worry about it. I hate school. You gave me a reason not to go so thanks for that?" I chuckle, letting her know it's no big deal.

"Ah yes, the typical teenage student," she says and I grin.

"We're all a little cliche, don't deny it."

"Well, when you're right, you're right."

We sit in silence for a while again and I shift uncomfortably. I have to talk about it at some point. I don't think she wants to be reminded of everything she'd rather forget, though.

"Do you want to talk about... I mean your dad-"

"No," she says, her voice firm and her eyes hard. "I don't want to talk about him."

"I'm here," I say softly, my heart thumping in my chest

She gives me a sad smile. "Thanks. But I don't want to talk about it, or even think about it."

She looks tired, with bags under her eyes and a frown on her face. I feel guilty, making her think about it. I feel guilty for a lot of things.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask, the "to take your mind off of it" left unsaid. I think she knows it's there though.

"I won't be against one," she says, looking relieved. I don't think I've ever watched a movie with her and the thought of doing something mundane with someone that's anything but makes me happy.

"What movie do you wanna watch?" I ask.

She frowns in response before saying, "I don't really know anything about movies. Plus, I don't think we have anything to watch a movie on."

"We have Amanda's laptop and I know her password so don't worry about that," I say, rolling my eyes. "Mulan sounds good, right?"

"That girl who saved China, right? Sure," she says and I go get Amanda's laptop from the other room before sitting on the bed with her.

"You comfy?" I ask, glancing at her before searching for the movie. Amanda loves this movie and would dress up like her when she was younger. It was actually pretty cute. She acts like she doesn't care nowadays but I know she watches it sometimes as a stress reliever.

"Yeah," Tiana says and I glance at her again to see her wrapped up in a blanket that might as well be a cocoon. She's so cute and she doesn't even know it.

"Do I get to be part of your cocoon or...?" I joke, looking back at the laptop to find the movie. I do a mental fist-pump when I do.

"I mean...if you want to," she says and I immediately swivel my head around to stare at her. In the back of my mind I know I look weird but it Tiana so I don't mind.

"What?" she asks self-consciously.

"Nothing," I say, looking away to hide my embarrassment. "Just shocked. Does the offer still stand?"

"Yeah, I mean, if you want to," she says, unwrapping one side and lifting it. Again, it feels like an honour that she's letting me into her cocoon. I cautiously enter the blanket cocoon before wrapping it around me too, making sure there's space between us before I start the movie.

"How long was I... out for anyway?" she asks while the intro plays.

"Half a day, I think."

"Oh....that's a long time."

"But you came out of it, right? That's all that matters," I say, giving her a smile before looking back at the movie. I knows she scared, too, that she's lose herself one day.

"Thanks for this," she says quietly and I nudge her arm with my elbow before scooting a little closer to her.

"You got me out of school. I'm the one who should be thankful here," I say, giving her a smirk.

"True," she says, smiling softly before going back to the movie. It feels nice to do something mundane with her. I had been scared that all I felt for her was a hero complex too big for me to realise, that if we do anything normal I'd lose interest. It's such a relief to know that I'm not some egotistical dick and that I actually care for her. Maybe I am still an egotistical dick, but at least I'm a dick that cares about her.

Tiana dozes off halfway through the movie, somewhere around the bath scene, and her head rests on my shoulder. She slobbers a little, the spit wetting my shirt but I don't mind. I don't want to move her though, knowing she needs the rest, so I watch the movie without her. It feels a little like a betrayal but there's nothing else do.

After the movie ends, I slowly get her off my shoulder and lay her down on the bed. Unfortunately, she wakes up.

"Where going?" she asks, blinking to stay awake. I laugh a little at that. Everyone's a little stupid when they wake up. Well, at least everyone I know.

"Me going home. You sleep," I say in my best caveman voice, grinning a little cheekily to which she rolls her eyes. She looks the best like this, happy and calm and too tired to be scared. Maybe it's sad but it's true.

"Shut up. And are you sure? You seem tired. I don't want you to miss school for this," she says, sitting up next to me.

"I'm a little tired too, and I can't exactly sleep here," I say, which is honest. I didn't get a good nights sleep.

"You can... if you want," Tiana says and I raise my eyebrows.

"Seriously?"

"I'm a... yeah sure."

"What is it?"

"I don't know, just scared I guess," she says and I give her a soft look, laying down in the bed before pulling the blanket over both of us. She pulls the curtains then lays down next to me, yawning and turning away from me to face the wall. She snuggles up against the blanket before pulling it up to her neck, sighing contently. Cute.

"Sleep well," I say, wanting to little-spoon her.

"You too," she says, already drifting away.

"Would you mind if I...put my arm around you?"

"Go ahead," she says, already halfway through dreams land. I blush a little before putting my arms around her. She's so soft to hold, hard around the edges but comforting too. Her legs are too cold but I don't mind. The sigh she lets out makes me extremely happy.

"G'Night," she says and I chuckle, way too happy for my own good.

"It's not even night yet."

"Well shit smarty pants, guess I can't even be polite anymore," she blabbers, half her words swallowed by the pillow. Holding her is a comfort I wouldn't mind having and I smile softly at her. She's such a darling.

Just before I sleep, all I can feel is warm and, inevitably, all I can think is "you're someone I'd miss."

I know I'd miss her, if we ever parted ways. Was there ever another choice?
—————————
I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry!!

I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm really sorry. I had college interviews and  well, something with my memories ? Like i was back in one of my bad memories. I could smell it. It was awful. I had it twice in a month though and the first time I didn't sleep till like maybe 7 in the morning. The other one I had when I just woke up because of reasons so I just went back to sleep. Idk I've been having a lot of trouble lately.

Anyway, I'm really sorry. I just haven't been feeling too well lately. I'm not in the least bit happy with this chapter. It feels incredibly ugly and I'm not happy with it and it wasn't supposed to end that way. I don't know I'm just not happy with anything I do.

This chapter is, like, pure crap I'm sorry truly.

I'm really sorry I'll edit this tomorrow so it'll seem better. It's currently about 3 o'clock in the... morning? I just feel so guilty and I'm really sorry I should've written a chapter and I didn't and I'm sorry.

In other news, I got into a good (I think?) college and I got my ears pierced, one above the normal earlobe one and one at the top of my ears. Idk I really like them.

Also, this story just randomly gained views?? I don't know how?? Like it just burst up with views all of a sudden?? I'm so grateful I love you all. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

I know I haven't been the best lately but I just want you all to know that I appreciate each and every person reading this♥️♥️

Vote and comment!!

*waves*
Bye :)