Tiana POV

Today is the day I see my mother. It's the first thought that entered my head when I woke up and it's the only thought that's been playing in my mind since then.

I'm going to see my mother.

"Tiana?" a boyish voice filled with sleep calls from behind me.

"I'm going to see my mother today," I state, staring at the wall like I have been for some time now. I don't really know how long.

"You are," Tyson states carefully. I feel the bed shift and I feel a body settle behind me. It doesn't touch me so I don't move. I don't know if I can.

A strange emptiness fills me. It's the type of emptiness that comes from feeling too much and, therefore, feeling nothing at all. When everything becomes too much and your heart aches for something you don't know exists and you keep searching for some release, some relief, but all you get is nothing.

So all you can do is exist painfully. Achingly so. Not knowing what to do or how to act. All that happens is hurt and numbness.

The thing is, numbness is indescribable. Indescribable because it's nothing. It's nothing because it's too much and then nothing. Numbness is black and white mixing to make grey. It's acid and base mixing to make salt. It's too much and not enough.

It's loud and it's quiet and it's nothing. It's everything and it's something and it's nothing. It's hot and it's cold and it's nothing. It's full and it's empty and it's nothing.

Just plain nothingness.

"Are you alright?" Tyson asks.

"Yeah."

I hear him sigh and I know I've failed some unsaid test. I expect to feel guilty or embarrassed but all I feel is nothing.

Always nothing. Fucking nothing.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" Tyson asks tentatively.

But how can I tell you anything, I think, when there's nothing to say?

"I know," I say instead, still staring. What am I searching for in the colours of the wall? What am I searching for? What?

"Alright, what's bothering you?" he asks.

"Nothing," I say, hating the word. Even the hate is muted.

I just want to cry.

"It's clearly not "nothing" that's bothering you. Come on, tell me. What's up?" he tries again but I just give him a smile. At least I hope it's a smile. How can you smile when you feel your heart ache for something you can't reach?

"It's nothing," I say, wondering about how true those words are. It really is nothing.

For some time it's quiet and I turn back to see him giving me an incredulous look. I guess he has a right to be incredulous, since I'm not acting like myself.

But who is myself? Who am I? How can I act like myself if I don't know who that is?

How can I not know who to be?

That's the thing about suddenly being free of intense control. You don't know who you are anymore. You base yourself so much with that force, letting that force control you until you forget yourself to become what they want. Never what you want. And, as time passes, you forget. You forget who you are and you become who they want. You become so completely them that you forget you. You forget yourself to become someone you never were.

And, suddenly, when you're given a chance to do what you want, you don't know what to do. You don't know who you are. Because you lost yourself in the torture. You lost yourself in the pain. You lost yourself in someone else. You let it deep into the silent parts of you until it became a whole part of you.

And you keep wondering, over and over and over again, what's wrong with you. You keep wondering who you are behind closed doors. And the only answer that comes up is the one word that you're so, so tired of.

Nothing.

It's maddening to not know what to say or how to act. It's maddening and oh so frustrating.

Who am I?

"Are you alright? You're scaring me," Tyson says and I startle a bit. I forgot he was here for a second.

"I don't know," I answer honestly. I don't know anymore.

I'm so confused. By everything.

"What are you feeling right now?" Tyson asks and I sigh, knowing what I'm about to say.

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yeah," I say, not wanting to repeat the word.

"Oh," he says, obviously at a loss for words.

I chuckle slightly. "Yeah. Oh."

"I get it," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. Why does he have to whisper to be supportive?

"That's good, because I don't," I say, still staring at the wall. Staring at nothing.

He's quiet for some time, obviously not knowing how to continue the topic, before saying, "Let's go meet your mother."

All I can do is nod.

He gets out of the bed then, which I know because of the jerking of the bed, and, for some time, all is quiet again.

"You coming," Tyson asks, just as I was about to lose myself in myself again.

"Yeah," I say, slightly monotone.

"Go brush your teeth, I'll prepare breakfast by then," he says and I nod, heading to the bathroom.

After I'm done brushing my teeth, I stare at myself in the mirror. The girl staring back at me doesn't seem to be me. She seems... lifeless.

Cold. Pale. Thin. Empty.

Her cheeks seem hollow and her eyes seem dead, dull, all the life that was ever there in them gone. She's pale enough that her veins are seen through her hands and under her eyes. As pale as a corpse. There are huge black circles hanging below those eyes. Her hair is thin and lifeless. Her bones stick out where they shouldn't.

Bandages cover both her wrists.

I don't want that girl to be me. I don't like the girl in the mirror. I hate her.

Who have I become? Why have I become the girl in the mirror?

"Tiana? You in there?" Tyson calls and I sigh, turning away from the corpse in the mirror, and walk away.

It's never good to dwell on bad things so I don't want to dwell on myself.

We sit at the dining table, which is in the kitchen, and Tyson puts a plate in front of me.

"Omelet!" Tyson says, grinning widely. I try grinning back, if only for him. I hope it looked believable.

I take a bit while Tyson has already eaten half his food. I don't really want to eat anyway. I'm too tired to eat all that much. Maybe a little, I don't know. I take another mouth.

"You haven't touched your omelet," Tyson states and I look down to see that I haven't even eaten half of it while Tyson has eaten all of his.

"I'm not really hungry, you know? Nervous," I say, looking up at him.

He smiles. "That's alright. Can I eat it then?"

"Yeah sure, why not?" I say, pushing the food to him.

"Thanks! I don't know why I'm really hungry today," he says, flashing me a grin before getting started on my food. He stops though, before he can start it.

"You're getting thinner nowadays, Tiana. I want you to eat it," he says, pushing it back.

I shake my head. "I didn't really eat much when I was at my fathers house. Suddenly eating so much will just cause me to puke," I say, pushing it back. It's true.

"It's one omelet. That's not really a lot," he says, looking confused.

"It was back then. As you can see, I didn't really eat a lot," I say, gesturing to myself.

God, I'm so tired.

"One more mouth. We'll ease into this. Slowly get your stomach used to normal servings. Come on," he says, smiling encouragingly.

I shake my head again. "Please don't."

He stills for a second, before sighing and nodding. He starts eating my food while I look out the window, staring at the sunlight coming in.

What am searching for?

"Alright, I'm done. Let's go," he says and I nod. I'm about to go to the front door when I realise Tyson isn't with me.

"Tyson?" I say, looking back.

"Are you going to rehab with this?" he asks, gesturing to what I'm wearing. I look down to see the jeans and hoodie I slept with.

"Yeah."

He shakes his head. "Go change, I'll be right here."

I frown, confused. "Why?"

All he does is shrug, looking at me expectantly. I sigh and do as I'm told, walking up the stairs and towards my bedroom. I decide to take a small shower before putting my clothes on.

After I'm done with the shower, I put on my underwear before walking to the closet. I pick out some random black jeans and the red hoodie I wear when I know I have to wash my green one.

I'm so tired.

After I'm done, I walk downstairs and put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I'll have to clean these clothes soon. My hoodie is in them.

"Are you done?" Tyson calls and I don't really want to answer so I just walk over to him and nod. He nods back before walking out the front door with me behind him. He locks the door before getting into his car, opening the passenger door for me. I climb in and put my seatbelt on before looking at him again.

"Thanks for doing this," I say as he's putting his own seatbelt on.

"No problem, why wouldn't I?" he says, smiling at me before he starts the engine and pulls out of the driveway.

"You could've been doing anything else today. I mean, it's Sunday morning," I say.

"Xavier and Amanda and out with Xavier's boyfriend, who's really sweet apparently. We'll meet him at school tomorrow," he says and I stiffen.

"School?" I whisper quietly.

"Yeah. My mom says I've skipped enough and I have to go tomorrow," he says, then stiffens before looking back at me.

"Are you ready to go?" he asks, face carefully blank.

I think about it for a while. I can't really escape it once it's thrown at my face. And I have to have some sort of future. Even if it's small.

"Yeah," I say, staring out the window.

"Cool," Tyson says, a smile in his voice. I don't really say much for the entire car ride after that. I stare out the window while Tyson turns on the radio and sings along with it.

"We're here," Tyson informs me after some time and I let out a shaky breath. This is going to be hard. I look down at my hands to see them shaking. I'm not really all that surprised.

After he parks his car, Tyson gets out of it and walks across to open the door for me. When I don't come out, he bends down next to me.

"What's up?" he asks, looking at me.

"Scared," I whisper, the words coming out funny.

"You don't have to be, it's just your mother," he says with an easy smile. I nod my head once.

"Right. Just my mother," I say softly, reassuringly, before walking out, looking down and pulling the strings of the hoodie to hide myself better.

I follow Tyson to the reception and and stay there while Tyson talks to them. They didn't want to let Tyson through because he's not family but I told them I need him there for emotional support.

A lady with black hair and beautiful brown skin looks at me carefully before saying, "Aren't you the one that called yesterday, love?"

I nod timidly.

"Well, then it's alright. We'll let it pass this once. Come on," she says, giving me the sweetest smile that eases my stiff posture.

We follow her as she leads us to a room where a lot of families already seemed to have met up. I watch as tears and smiles and laughs and cries are exchanged and wonder about how they're able to hold so much joy in themselves.

Won't they break?

"Tiana!" a voice calls from somewhere and I turn my head to see my mom, with tears running down her eyes, staring at me.

"Mom!" I yell, running towards her and engulfing her in a hug. God, I've never felt as safe as in my mother's arms.

My mom squashes me and nuzzles her face into my neck while I do the same. God, I didn't know how much I missed her.

I miss her so much. So fucking much.

"I missed you so much, princess," my mom says into my neck and I sob, letting the tears fall down. Letting the emptiness and numbness fall away. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much.

After some time, we let go of each other and I dry my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie. I remove the hoodie from my head and let her see me. She's my mother. A safe haven.

She cups my face and looks at me, he black eyes piercing through me. She's so beautiful.

"You've got some light in your eyes now," she says, looking at me proudly. I look at her in surprise.

"I do?"

She nods and I feel so irrevocably proud of myself. I put some light back into my eyes, apparently.

"You... used to look dead. I was so scared. Now you seem... alive," she says, then looks up Tyson.

"Thank you," she says so sincerely that it stops my heart for a while.

"It was all her," he says and she nods.

"I know. Thank you for finding her when I couldn't. For being there for her all this time. Thank you," she says and a tear slips down Tyson's cheek.

He grins, a small, shaky thing. "It was an honour."

My mom hugs Tyson then too and tears spill out of his eyes. My heart leaps at the sight.

And to think I was about to throw this all away.

After the reunion, we spend some time with each other, talking and catching up. Tyson claimed he's hungry and went out for food but I know he was just giving me time with my mother. With each word that came out of her mouth, my heart healed just a little.

"What's it like, being here?" I ask after a silence fell over us.

"It's not the best, but it has been good to me. I've met a lot of new people and learned a lot about myself," she says, smiling slightly, her brown hair, so much like mine, covering half her face.

"What did you learn?"

"Well, for one, I learnt that I never really loved that horrid man we had to live with. He was just familiar. Someone I already know. And, after having control taking away from me because of the ra-" she pauses then and looks away "- because of that, I needed something I'm familiar with. Something I know. And your father was one of them. The known bully is better than the unknown one, is what they say. I never loved him. All I loved was the familiarity he gave me," she says, looking down with a rueful smile.

I nod, understanding her completely. What a lovely broken family we both make.

"Alright, time's up," the pretty nurse from before comes in and says, a bright smile on her face. She sees us then and comes and sits next to us.

"How's everything over here?" she asks gently.

"Better than a long time," I answer honestly.

She smiles and says, "I'm glad. And it's good to see you without that thing covering your head," before getting up and leaving.

"What's your name?" I ask.

"Shasta, love. And you?"

"Tiana. And this is my mother, Elaine," I say, smiling.

"Your mother has been doing immensely well," she says, smiling softly and my mother and I. I look at my mother to see her smiling softly back too.

"Shasta has been the best friend I never knew I needed this whole time to me. I don't know how I would've survived if I didn't have her here," my mom says and I nod, happy for her. It's about time she got some new friends. Shasta grins at this bashfully.

"I'm only doing what anyone else would do. Alright, I'm really sorry to have to say this, but visiting hours are over," Shasta says and I sigh. I don't want to go.

"I'll give you two some space," she says and leaves. I glance at my mother.

Before I can say another, my mom grips my hands firmly and looks me in the eye. "I'm so proud of you, Tiana. So proud to call you my daughter. Just know that I don't have any hate towards you because of who your biological father is and I'm so sorry I forced you to live with the excuse of a father later on. I'm so proud of the strong girl you've become and I hope you continue to fight for yourself. You're so worth it, my little girl. I love you," she says and tears fall down my eyes again.

"I love you too mum," I say, hugging her tightly, probably wetting her shirt with tears.

After we let go, my mom kisses my forehead, making more tears fall, before I walk away, casting a lingering glance at my mom to see she's looking back at me.

As I walk outside, Tyson walks towards me expectantly. I wonder if he had been waiting here this whole time or if he had gone somewhere during the two hours I was in there.

"How did it go?" he asks, as we get into the car.

"It went amazingly," I say, buckling myself in.

"That's good to know. Want to get some food before we head home?" he asks. I notice the fact that he said "home" not "house" but, for some reason, it doesn't bother me. I guess it's time I start healing. Maybe I never had a very good life before, but maybe I can make one for myself now.

"Sure, I'd love some food."
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Well I'm ALIVEEE!!

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