♪♪I've dealt with ghosts and faced all my demons...
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm moving on.♪♪

ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ [I'm moving on] - [Rascal Platts]

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The quiet car ride to the cemetery was a vast difference to Kian's racing mind. Thoughts of what facing his trauma meant for him ran through his mind. With every mile they covered to reach their destination, his hands fidgeted, and the empty feeling within the pit of his stomach grew.

Esmé laid her hands over his to stop their consistent movement. This pulled his attention from himself to the feeling of warmth her hands emitted on his. A sense of calmness washed over Kian once he turned to her. The intense support her eyes conveyed gave him all the strength he needed.

Once they got to their destination, Kian's fidgeting had seized, despite the way it still felt like his throat clogged his organs. They all alighted from the car, with Ronnie leading the way through the presence of other headstones. The presence of some dull grey headstones was brightened up the bunch of flowers placed by them. A few of them lacked the brightness for they either lacked the presence of the flowers or the flowers were dying. 

The feeling of tranquillity the cemetery emitted did nothing to calm Kian's nerves. He frowned while his eyes moved around, searching the strange territory they were in, which caused his heart to sink further down as they followed Ronnie to his father's headstone.

Esmé looked up at him as the strength in his stride reduced. His constant searching refreshed her memory, and her heart sank, understanding the thoughts that plagued his mind. She squeezed the hand in hers and offered him a sad smile.

He didn't even have the courage to attend his father's burial.

Ronnie halted by the side once he located the headstone, getting the confirmation he needed from the woman who stood in front of it. She packed her shoulder-length coffee-brown hair up into a ponytail revealing her slouched forward shoulders varying to her regular authoritative posture.

Persephone turned at the sound of approaching footsteps. Her tear-filled eyes matching her dishevelled state focused on them. The sight of them drew her head back instantly, and her palm flew to her mouth, choking back a sob once her gaze fully settled on Kian.

A certain pull moved Kian's leg instantly towards his mother, releasing Esmé's hands as he went. He stood an inch in front of Persephone, his strength dissipating with the ability to look her in the eye.

Kian broke down as Persephone pulled him into a hug, releasing her own sob as they grieved together.

The sight before her had a smile popping onto Esmé's lips. It may have taken one year for it to happen, but she was glad it happened after all.

Ronnie tugged her hand away from the duo to offer them their much-needed privacy. Once they reached further away from mother and son, Esmé pulled her hands away from Ronnie's hold, suddenly not appreciating the fact that they were alone without their common goal. It reminded her of the guilt she carried, and she didn't like that.

Ronnie sighed as he watched her, understanding her. "Thank you," he said with great sincerity. His voice dripping with the double meaning his words conveyed.

"I didn't do any of them for you," Esmé replied, turning away from him.

"I know, which is why I'm more thankful. The weight of guilt is undeniably heavy, and I know that very well. I will not justify that anyone of us has it worse than the other. I'm just sorry you got pulled into our web of lies even if that wasn't entirely our fault..."

Esmé cocked her head to stare at him with a raised brow that had him chuckling.

"... but it opened our eyes to the realization that we had dragged this for far longer than we intended with the excuse of not finding the right time because as it has turned out, there's never going to be a perfect time until we create it. So we're planning to tell her soon, to get the weight off your shoulders."

Esmé's stern look moved away from him, but she refused to give him any acknowledgement. Of course, she was glad there were making those conclusions not just for her sake but for theirs too. The longer they dragged it out, the harder it was going to be, and she wasn't even sure how long they had been dating.

Ronnie nudged her shoulders, dragging her away from her thoughts. "Come on. I can't have my pearl being angry with me forever."

"Your pearl?" Esmé scoffed, giving him a knowing look.

He laughed, recognizing the look. "Oh, come on, what's with you guys. I can have a pearl and a girlfriend."

Esmé shook her head at him, a ghost smile finding its way to her lips. They both turned in the direction they had walked from, the tensed air around them lifted.

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In Loving Memory Of

A wonderful son, brother, husband and father,

Louis Ambrose Lincoln

4th February 1969–25th July 2020

Devoted in love, generous of heart, constant of faith.

"For everything, there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Being in each other's hands had brought a wave of emotions that had been locked away, down, but standing in front of the headstone raised another set of emotions. 

The fresh grass growing beneath his shoes was incomparable to the dead and dry way Kian felt as he looked at the headstone. A lot of mixed feelings flowed through his body along with all the memories he had locked away.

He bowed his head as tears rolled down his eyes. "Forgive me, father."

Persephone stood to the side, giving him as much time alone with his father as she could.

Kian looked up at the headstone and took in a deep breath, feeling an intense disappointed gaze emitting from his father. "You must be pretty 'disappointed' in me, huh? It took me an entire year to come and do right by you and I didn't even figure it out by myself."

He sighed. "I just, I didn't know how to face you, father. Everything felt like it was my fault. With that thought plaguing my mind, how was I meant to stand tall in front of you as if I was in the right?"

"Because he believes we didn't raise a coward who runs away from his problems," Persephone replied, standing closer to him now ready to take a stance.

Kian shut his eyes tightly at his mother's words. "You didn't."

Sighing, Persephone laid a hand on his shoulder, which made him open his eyes. "Mistakes are a part of life, my son. They're made to be learnt from. You need to understand that while you believe this was your fault, it could have happened any other way. Side effects from the drugs, a sudden slip on the floor, anything that might not have related to you, but do you know what? You'd have still blamed yourself. Why? It's because it's the only reasonable thing we humans can come up with. How we could have prevented it all. Do you think I didn't have my share of what-ifs?"

Kian flinched and stared at her, dazed. He had established earlier on how selfish he had been not to be there for his mom who lost the love of her life, but he had never given it a thought that she could have blamed herself too for his father's death.

He caved and bowed his head in front of her. "I'm sorry, mother. I'm so sorry. I shut myself up so much not wanting you to read me and psychoanalyze me every time, it never occurred to me to even read you to find out just how you were feeling." He scoffed, shaking his head. "I made it all about me and what I should have done right."

She gave him a sad smile. "I wasn't perfect either, but the most important thing, like I mentioned previously, is how we learn from the mistakes we made. Whatever happens from here onwards is the decision you make on how you think you need to correct those mistakes," she said, cueing him in.

Her words moved through him like the wind directing the waves of memories of everything he had done wrong in which he perceived was right for the past year. Wave after wave surged through him, and one moved stronger than the rest. A realization of just how badly he had handled a load of things.

"She really surpasses all expectations. I knew she would try all her possible best to get you after the talk we had, but I didn't think she could actually do something none of us had done." Persephone relished with a grin.

Kian smiled, not shocked anymore with how well she could read him. It was something he hated so much previously but was grateful at that moment to still have.

"Instead of trying to cajole my ego by telling me it wasn't my fault like you all did, she went for hitting the nail in the head," he replied with a sad smile thinking of all the wrong he had done to her and yet she had...

"You know she didn't do all this so you could suddenly be more grateful to her and be nicer to her?"

Kian turned to his mother with a soft smile. "I know, but since I'm doing right by everyone, I want to start with her. She deserves it."

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🥳🥳

Annyeonghaseyo

It's another chapter. I've been pretty busy with real life and trying to write the first draft of the remaining chapters of this book so I can update every other day before the deadline hits. That's why I've been gone for quite some time.

But that just means, you get an update every other day now! I'm excited! Are you?

So what are your thoughts on this chapter?! 💭👉

This and the next chapter have been my hardest chapter to write yet. When you keep questioning yourself wondering if you're doing a character justice and making them go through the right emotions and thinking okay, how would this person react?

We're definitely going to be seeing a whole lot of changes in Kian in the upcoming chapters and I'm just really glad for him that he's dealing with stuff now.

Having lost my grandfather recently, this book somehow made me realise that compartmentalizing feelings instead of just grieving doesn't exactly work.

But that's about the emotional stuff, Guess who got a new cover?! Yep, that's right. Me! Do you guys like it? What's your take on it?

Till next time! 💕