♪♪I was lost in a lonely place

    Could hardly believe it

    Holding onto yesterday's

    For far, far too long. ♪♪

ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ [Laying my love on you] - [Westlife]

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The entire room spun before Kian, forcing his breaths to wheeze out. He sat down slack against his bed with heavy limbs. Everything in the room screamed and glared at him with their miserable appearance that matched how he felt. With the lack of willpower living in him, he had gone numb to the whole situation.

The torn papers by his side mocked him, threatening to stitch themselves back together to taunt him with the information they held. When he woke up from his drifted sleep, the first thing he saw was the calendar reminding him of what day it was.

He couldn't afford to look at the date, didn't deserve to feel sad about it, just miserable for what he did. Scenarios of what could have happened plagued his mind like a record player on repeat, worsening how he felt with every second.

Soft knocking on his room door crashed his serene state. His body groaned at the slight movement he made from the discomfort he felt at the invasion. He didn't need her to speak before knowing who it was. The sparse swelling of his chest at her presence was there, happy yet angry that she remained.

Despite the mixed way he felt, he couldn't bring himself to respond. Though a part of him that was glad she hadn't left as Kristin did, the other part which won the battle time and time again wanted her gone, away from the mess that was his life to save her and himself from any form of heartbreak.

When the strength of the fist against the door increased pace and momentum, Kian realized then that she must have known what day it was. His veins twitched at the thought, and he felt a surge of anger that urged him to respond.

"Leave me alone!"

Though he had felt strong when he responded, his voice croaked out, revealing just how weak he really was.

The silence that followed gnawed at him stronger than the one he was left with as his breath hung up in his mouth at the thought of her actually leaving.

An unexpected release of breath escaped out of him at the sound of her voice not too long after. Her first couple of words bounced over his head as he just listened to her voice, battling with himself internally for feeling the way he was.

As she spoke to him, he could hear frustrations seeping into every word, despite how she tried to hide it.

When silence followed, he listened, wondering why there had a certain change in the atmosphere suddenly. Once she began talking again, the tone grabbed his full attention like no other, making him listen to her words.

"No one can fully comprehend the exact way you feel, Kian..."

Her words held a different weight than those he was used to hearing, and that made him uncomfortable. He shifted from his position and winced at the pain that shot up his body from the sudden movement.

"So what if you killed your father..."

Her words vibrated his very core. Even if those words were a thing he had believed for the past one year, hearing her tell him those words felt so wrong. He felt a certain urge to defend himself, come up with an excuse why it wasn't his fault, and that hit him harder. It was the first time he ever thought of bringing up excuses for that night.

"Is that what you believe is the justice you deserve?..."

She asked him all the questions no one else had and that took his thoughts swirling into a whole other direction. Her words scarred him and weighed heavily on him for a whole other reason.

Is this the way I atone for my crimes?

"Strive to survive and live the life that was cut short from him to the fullest..."

Kian couldn't see the logic behind it all. He didn't understand how he could even decide to go on with his life. There was no healing for him. 

How could he live the life his father was meant to live?

"You cannot heal if you do not grant yourself permission to feel the very emotion you're running away from..."

The words played in his head, sinking deep and taking roots. Having control of the emotions that were controlling him for the past year. His mind whirled with the stance he took to tune out those emotions, not wanting them to take control. He never felt he deserved to mourn the person he killed, but yet that had still given them control. 

What could happen if he got back to his routine for another year or two, who's saying there wouldn't be any trigger after that?

While he pondered on her words, deliberating his stance and decisions, her last words fueled the other side of him that stayed dormant for the year. The one with the willpower to do the right thing.

"Think about your mother..."

His cheeks burned in shame at the thought of his mother. His thoughts had never strayed to how his change of behaviour made her feel because she never complained about it.

"I'll be there to help you if you let me be."

Her last words gripped his heart tightly with its strength. His gaze became focused on her words and his chest suddenly felt lighter, pondering over her words. At the shuffling of her feet away from the door, one last word stuck to him.

Strive to live, that's the justifiable punishment you deserve.

An involuntary sob left him at the sudden change he felt in him. His mind drifted to that day one year ago and the look on his mother's face when he changed. Things became so different with her. He hadn't been there for her when she needed it the most too.

His hands trembled slightly as he finally allowed himself to think of his father. What his reaction would be if he saw him at that moment. A thickness formed in his throat at the stone expression he saw.

Kian couldn't believe he had let it drag on for so long. As it all came crashing into his mind, all he needed to do. With the strive to push him forward, despite his weak body, he supported himself and got up. He winced as his bones creaked in response, but that didn't stop him. If he was going to make it right, the little pain would not derail him.

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Hovering over the door handle with his hands, Kian thought about everything that could change once he added pressure and brought it down. While the option of opening the door meant trying to fix a lot of mistakes he made previously, the counter option of just staying like a living dead added pressure on his hands.

His eyes snapped shut instantly as the light shone into them. The vast contrast from the darkness he had been in for the past days startled him. Awakening to what lay ahead and how it didn't have to hold so much sadness.

Kian opened his eyes at the sound of clattering dishes in the kitchen and moved in the direction. Hesitating at the door once again, though her last words echoed in his head, he wasn't sure just how she saw him at that moment.

Esmé turned around, and her eyes bulged, her mouth falling open in tow. His presence out of his room got to her more than the fact that he looked cleaned up. She regained herself a second after once he stepped further into the kitchen "Kian?" she called out, still needing a confirmation.

"Hey?" Kian responded unsure of what her expressions really held but relaxed as she let out a huge breath and a peal of shaky laughter that brightened up her face. Kian's heart surged at the sight. Tension released from him, and a slow smile made its way to her lips.

They stood there smiling at each other for a minute, lost in the bliss of each other's presence before the sizzling sound from behind Esmé startled them. Esmé spun around, hiding the blush that was creeping up on her face, while Kian let out a low chuckle.

After attending to the meal she was making, she turned to him. The shock of actually seeing him there had cleared, and she was focused on the struggle he had gone through. "Why don't you have a seat? I'll get you something to eat."

Kian opened his mouth to counter her suggestion. Whilst he saw the logic in getting something to eat, he wasn't sure he could stomach anything at that moment, but the stern look on Esmé's face got his feet moving to the chair in the kitchen.

Esmé placed a small bowl of oatmeal porridge with slices of fruits by them. "This will give you the strength you need without upsetting your stomach."

Kian smiled, his soft gaze watching her carefully as she turned away to clean up. He turned to his food to eat, his mind set on what lay ahead for him. 

After he took a couple of spoons from his food, Esmé turned to him with a cautious, serious face, gaining his attention. His back straightened as he sensed the next question that was about to make it out of her mouth.

"Are you ready?" she asked him, her gaze locked onto his.

Kian stood up from his seat and grabbed his car key from the spot it hung by the kitchen door, and nodded his head at her. Understanding echoed in her eyes as she made her way to him to collect the keys from him.

With brows dented, Kian watched her lead the way out of the house. "Esmé," he called out to her, following her. Comfortable warmth spread through him at her decision to help him, but she couldn't drive.

He got the answer to his question once he stepped out of the house. The familiar husky voice got to him just before he saw his best friend standing there by his car on a call.

"I can't be there now, Meredith... Yes, I'm using my wealthy privileges to get out of work. This can't wait, finding the files can. So you either hold on or you don't, that's your choice."

"Ronnie," Esmé called to him, gaining his attention away from his conversation.

Ronnie turned in their direction. His gaze glanced from Esmé to Kian, who stood by her side. Hanging up on his call, his eyes shone, and an enormous smile made its way to his lips.

They both stared at each other having silent conversations before they moved towards each other to pull themselves into a hug. Ronnie chuckled into the hug. He looked up to where Esmé watched them with a smile and mouthed, "Thank you."   

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🙂🙂

Heya guys!

He made the right choice! Good for him though. Well, that means the past is about to be revealed!

Watch out for transitions ahead! Express your thoughts on the chapter right here!💬👉

Till next time!💕